I've sat down to write several posts recently. I was going to write another excerpt from John Poster's book "Meals for Males" and I got distracted looking at the funny French names he gave his pheasant recipes. Hi-larious.
I also wanted to write about our housing project: we found out Dana's lease is not up until 2/09 so we have a good four months until we move out of this 650 sq ft studio apartment. The house hunt will have to be postponed at least until the first of the year.
My new job started on Thursday. In two weeks I will work a whopping 17 hours - clearly this is not enough, but apparently all the other stores I applied to in our mall are competitors of this store. And the two that weren't sent me a thanks-but-no-thanks letter.
I'm totally jealous of everyone who was privileged enough to go to the NYC Sexbloggers' Calendar debut party. Debauchery was bound to "ensue" as they say. *sigh* Everything fun happens in New York!
My anxiety got the best of me - I am not one for protests because they tend to give me claustrophobia. I did not go, please forgive me. Instead I did my part to further the gay agenda by going to a pet adoption expo!
It is nearing the end of the semester and I will have my nose in actual books for about the next six weeks. One of my final papers is about the writings of Denise Chavez. The other paper will be an "autoethnography" where I talk about the effects of culture on myself as it relates to queer theory. I've chosen once again to talk about the femme identity. My professor wants me to answer the question, "how does femme queer femininity?" for indeed it does. I'm supposed to write about moments in my life that helped to shape my femme identity. I'll write about those scenes another time. I'm a bit behind in homework too, so expect to see and hear from me even less than you already do. I read everyone's writings, but I am just having so much trouble formulating my thoughts.
Next Wednesday I'm being inducted into my university's founding chapter of iota iota iota, which is an honor society for undergraduates focushttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifing in Women's Studies. The color is lavender - isn't that nice? It's named for Inana, Ishtar and Isis.
Dana's new job promised her 40 hours and has totally disregarded that commitment. Although she is getting the most hours out of everyone, she is still getting less than forty. She actually makes less at the new job than she did at the old horrible sucky job because she ended up working overtime before, whereas she is not allowed to now. Looking for new or second job now, as money is way, way tight. With a move on the horizon, we both need to bringing in as much moola as possible. Life is not propelled by my smiling face alone, but by the bank.
Should I or shouldn't I arrange play dates with a certain pair of beautiful people? yea or nay? It sounds like a good idea, I definitely could see it working out, but at the same time there are always risks, you know? I don't want to risk my beautiful partner in exchange for a fleeting thrill. But I also see the value in expanding one's personal horizons. If it happens, I think they're going to have to make the first move.
I'm now uninsured. Health is doing alright, but the main thing is eating right, eating small meals at frequent intervals, and taking meds on time. We purchased a bathroom scale the other day, which is a good measure of how my overall blood glucose is doing. Sugar goes up, weight goes up, and the opposite is also true.
Taking everything into consideration, however, I'm feeling absolutely fabulous. I am more and more in love with Dana. I feel more and more comfortable with our relationship. We talk about everything, we welcome change and progress, and we constantly reaffirm to each other our commitment to making things work. She sure means a whole lot to me.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
16.11.08
14.10.08
New Horizons
I took a really big step toward wellness today by quitting my job. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to look for a job, but the benefits are outweighing the consequences at this point.
You see, since I took the position with this company, my daily medication count went from two (allergies and birth control), to seven. I won't bore you with the list, but it is absolutely maddening.
In April of this year I found out that I am diabetic. I knew it was coming and I couldn't stop the process. I worked really late at night, even into the wee hours, and when I came home from work, I would be so tired that all I could think about doing was eating a package of ramen, or a past and sauce and then going to bed. That was a recipe for disaster. Not only that, but the fact that when you are pre-diabetic, or insulin resistant, your body requires frequent small meals to keep sugar and insulin levels steady. Add to that all the fast food (read: chick-fil-a, nature's table, etc.) that I ate because I did not make the time to prepare my meals, nor did I have the time to get a healthy sit-down dinner on a half hour break. Not possible. So! All the rushed eating, and then sitting down for hours and hours a day with a direct requirement -not- to walk around... I think this also could have caused the Acid Reflux disease.
The sedentary nature of a call center job, coupled with the high stress levels is a deadly mixture. High levels of stress raises both insulin levels and cortisol, both of which are chemicals that cause your body to store fat. So, stress makes you fat and then fat stores estrogen (exacerbating my PCOS) and also makes it harder to control blood sugar (hence causing my insulin resistance to be pushed over the edge to full on diabetes).
Do you see where I'm going with this? The list of cons is so long. For serious. This afternoon I've been dealing with some anxiety issues, some second thoughts:
Did I speak to soon? Should I have taken the LOA they offered?
Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
Couldn't I have waited to quit until I got another job?
Should I have put my big girl panties on and sucked it up for another two weeks just so I could be considered "rehirable?"
I think the answer to all of these questions is "no" but they are definitely important things to consider. The fact that not wanting to come to work has kept me up all night worrying, and that I've awoken with tears for the same reason tells me that it's time to move on. I have enough savings to get me through a couple months actually, so if I just need to go on furlough, I'll do it. I'm going to take the next few days to decide that.
You see, since I took the position with this company, my daily medication count went from two (allergies and birth control), to seven. I won't bore you with the list, but it is absolutely maddening.
In April of this year I found out that I am diabetic. I knew it was coming and I couldn't stop the process. I worked really late at night, even into the wee hours, and when I came home from work, I would be so tired that all I could think about doing was eating a package of ramen, or a past and sauce and then going to bed. That was a recipe for disaster. Not only that, but the fact that when you are pre-diabetic, or insulin resistant, your body requires frequent small meals to keep sugar and insulin levels steady. Add to that all the fast food (read: chick-fil-a, nature's table, etc.) that I ate because I did not make the time to prepare my meals, nor did I have the time to get a healthy sit-down dinner on a half hour break. Not possible. So! All the rushed eating, and then sitting down for hours and hours a day with a direct requirement -not- to walk around... I think this also could have caused the Acid Reflux disease.
The sedentary nature of a call center job, coupled with the high stress levels is a deadly mixture. High levels of stress raises both insulin levels and cortisol, both of which are chemicals that cause your body to store fat. So, stress makes you fat and then fat stores estrogen (exacerbating my PCOS) and also makes it harder to control blood sugar (hence causing my insulin resistance to be pushed over the edge to full on diabetes).
Do you see where I'm going with this? The list of cons is so long. For serious. This afternoon I've been dealing with some anxiety issues, some second thoughts:
Did I speak to soon? Should I have taken the LOA they offered?
Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
Couldn't I have waited to quit until I got another job?
Should I have put my big girl panties on and sucked it up for another two weeks just so I could be considered "rehirable?"
I think the answer to all of these questions is "no" but they are definitely important things to consider. The fact that not wanting to come to work has kept me up all night worrying, and that I've awoken with tears for the same reason tells me that it's time to move on. I have enough savings to get me through a couple months actually, so if I just need to go on furlough, I'll do it. I'm going to take the next few days to decide that.
11.10.08
when it rains, it pours.
I'm having a hard time you guys.
10/10 is when my dad died, to start things off.
on top of that, work had a "clarifying conversation" with me tonight, which is the first step in a very long process that culminates in getting fired if you don't get the hint to resign quick enough. It's because my job is collections, and I don't like taking money from poor people even when they signed up to be robbed anyway.
worried about my mom's job sitch, too.
And I had an appointment with the my PCP and all seemed fine until labwork came back saying that my Hemoglobin A1c was higher than it was when they started treatment for diabetes. normal range is like under "5" and mine went from 6.5 to 7.5 in the past six months. It was definitely not a drastic change, nor was it over a short period of time, but a lab nurse called the next day and was trying to force me into taking another medicine. I wanted to know what it was for, I wanted to know why the doctor picked that medicine over another medicine, and I wanted to know for chrissakes why I'm 24 years old with relative good health and taking 7 pills a day. The number keeps rising every 2 months and I swear to the gods it has to STOP somewhere. It has to.
On top of my health, Dana's has several pretty worrisome health concerns that are too private to talk about in this space. And there's nothing I can do to help, so I just have to be as supportive as I can and try not to let it all overwhelm me.
I'm probably not doing so great emotionally at the moment because this is day 2 back on my birth control pills which is to regulate my period. I have polycystic ovary syndrome according to the doctors who could find no cysts (yet a disease involving cysts was their diagnosis as to why I don't get a period unless it's pharmaceutically induced?). SO starting a new pill pack after having been off it since June due to a screw up at the pharmacy after my annual checkup. Not fun.
Add to all this the school work I'm supposed to be doing. And the guilt I feel over the fact that half of my medical problems are actually preventable with appropriate diet and exercise. I feel like my collections job is actually causing my health to decline. Stress levels raise insulin and cortisol and all that stuff, causing me to gain wait, and then my PCOS gets bad... It's all interrelated and I feel like I have no control over it even though it's technically controllable without the use of drugs.
And what do I do about my job? I hate my job and I think this conversation with my boss tonight was basically the universe saying "HEY! Quit whining and go find a new job!" The trouble is that it is not so easy.
Dear the Universe,
I am in very dire need of an emotionally fulfilling job that gives me flexible hours, supports my school schedule, pays my bills, and makes me feel like I am making a difference in the world. I would prefer it to have nothing to do with sales or collections - other people's money is really not my thing. Please also include health benefits and pto.
Thanks,
Miss A.
10/10 is when my dad died, to start things off.
on top of that, work had a "clarifying conversation" with me tonight, which is the first step in a very long process that culminates in getting fired if you don't get the hint to resign quick enough. It's because my job is collections, and I don't like taking money from poor people even when they signed up to be robbed anyway.
worried about my mom's job sitch, too.
And I had an appointment with the my PCP and all seemed fine until labwork came back saying that my Hemoglobin A1c was higher than it was when they started treatment for diabetes. normal range is like under "5" and mine went from 6.5 to 7.5 in the past six months. It was definitely not a drastic change, nor was it over a short period of time, but a lab nurse called the next day and was trying to force me into taking another medicine. I wanted to know what it was for, I wanted to know why the doctor picked that medicine over another medicine, and I wanted to know for chrissakes why I'm 24 years old with relative good health and taking 7 pills a day. The number keeps rising every 2 months and I swear to the gods it has to STOP somewhere. It has to.
On top of my health, Dana's has several pretty worrisome health concerns that are too private to talk about in this space. And there's nothing I can do to help, so I just have to be as supportive as I can and try not to let it all overwhelm me.
I'm probably not doing so great emotionally at the moment because this is day 2 back on my birth control pills which is to regulate my period. I have polycystic ovary syndrome according to the doctors who could find no cysts (yet a disease involving cysts was their diagnosis as to why I don't get a period unless it's pharmaceutically induced?). SO starting a new pill pack after having been off it since June due to a screw up at the pharmacy after my annual checkup. Not fun.
Add to all this the school work I'm supposed to be doing. And the guilt I feel over the fact that half of my medical problems are actually preventable with appropriate diet and exercise. I feel like my collections job is actually causing my health to decline. Stress levels raise insulin and cortisol and all that stuff, causing me to gain wait, and then my PCOS gets bad... It's all interrelated and I feel like I have no control over it even though it's technically controllable without the use of drugs.
And what do I do about my job? I hate my job and I think this conversation with my boss tonight was basically the universe saying "HEY! Quit whining and go find a new job!" The trouble is that it is not so easy.
Dear the Universe,
I am in very dire need of an emotionally fulfilling job that gives me flexible hours, supports my school schedule, pays my bills, and makes me feel like I am making a difference in the world. I would prefer it to have nothing to do with sales or collections - other people's money is really not my thing. Please also include health benefits and pto.
Thanks,
Miss A.
8.10.08
one in a million.
I miss my mother. She lost her job a few weeks ago due to her department being integrated into another larger department at the hospital. She was fired unjustly because whoever was in charge neglected to properly equip her department for the job they were being asked to do. Basically, one of the computer programs that is necessary for her job required a password. They were never allowed to have the password so when they had to use this particular program, they had to walk across the parking lot to an entirely different building to use a computer there, and then walk back to their own office to complete the task. They said she was not fast enough a the job.
Another name on my hit list, seriously. Because you don't mess with mama. These idiots don't realize that every last one of my mother's previous employers have begged her to stay. They would fire whoever replaced her just so they could have her back. You don't fire my mother for what you deem "poor performance" when you have not provided her with such a simple thing as a password to the software that is required for her job.
I guess she's appealing the wording of the termination letter. Honestly. For a woman of her age, getting fired makes it doubly hard to find a job that pays the bills, couldn't they have simply called it a lay-off? I swear, my mother left Florida because of the hustle and bustle and all the rude drivers and nasty waitstaff, but I've never heard of such utter disrespect, and absolute bullshit business practices! I told her to bring her situation to the attention of some kind of city or county representative in case something could be done.
You don't fucking fire my mother.
Sent her lavender roses with purple alstromeria today to cheer her.
Another name on my hit list, seriously. Because you don't mess with mama. These idiots don't realize that every last one of my mother's previous employers have begged her to stay. They would fire whoever replaced her just so they could have her back. You don't fire my mother for what you deem "poor performance" when you have not provided her with such a simple thing as a password to the software that is required for her job.
I guess she's appealing the wording of the termination letter. Honestly. For a woman of her age, getting fired makes it doubly hard to find a job that pays the bills, couldn't they have simply called it a lay-off? I swear, my mother left Florida because of the hustle and bustle and all the rude drivers and nasty waitstaff, but I've never heard of such utter disrespect, and absolute bullshit business practices! I told her to bring her situation to the attention of some kind of city or county representative in case something could be done.
You don't fucking fire my mother.
Sent her lavender roses with purple alstromeria today to cheer her.
19.9.08
stressed. overstressed.
i should tell you quickly, before I rush off to work that Dana has a friend working as a technical writer / editor for a company in a neighboring metropolis and she submitted her application today since the company is looking to hire someone entry level - within ten years all of the other writers will have retired!
i was up all night wednesday night fretting over how much a hate my job. that is usually a sign that it's time to quit and go somewhere else, but at this point money has a choke hold on me. i'm good at my job, i'm a fantastic worker, but i'm missing out on my college experience, and i'm pimping out my emotions for this call center job. i feel like i'm doling out my sympathies in return for money. I'm drained.
so i called out yesterday and submitted about 15 applications online. by the way, Monster.com is full of pure bologna. I had much better luck with the other sites.
i took Dana to school with me yesterday and we put up fliers about the ex girlfriend's motorcycle which she dumped on us three months ago. we want it out of our lives now, do you hear me universe??
and i want an emotionally fulfilling job that meets me needs, dammit!
best wishes to y'all. regularly scheduled smut, gender commentary and cultural critiques will resume soon. when? I'm not exactly sure.
i was up all night wednesday night fretting over how much a hate my job. that is usually a sign that it's time to quit and go somewhere else, but at this point money has a choke hold on me. i'm good at my job, i'm a fantastic worker, but i'm missing out on my college experience, and i'm pimping out my emotions for this call center job. i feel like i'm doling out my sympathies in return for money. I'm drained.
so i called out yesterday and submitted about 15 applications online. by the way, Monster.com is full of pure bologna. I had much better luck with the other sites.
i took Dana to school with me yesterday and we put up fliers about the ex girlfriend's motorcycle which she dumped on us three months ago. we want it out of our lives now, do you hear me universe??
and i want an emotionally fulfilling job that meets me needs, dammit!
best wishes to y'all. regularly scheduled smut, gender commentary and cultural critiques will resume soon. when? I'm not exactly sure.
4.9.08
guess what!
I ______________________________, certify that I, and ______________________________ became domestic partners on ______________, and we:
1. have an intimate, committed relationship of mutual caring, and
2. currently share the same regular and permanent residence, and
3. are jointly responsible for "basic living expenses, as defined below, and
4. are not legally married, and
5. are each eighteen (18) years of age or older, and
6. are not related by blood closer than would bar marriage in the state of residence, and
7. were mentally competent to consent to contract when our domestic partnership began, and
8. are each other's sole domestic partner and are responsible for each other's common welfare and intend to remain so indefinitely.
"Basic living expenses" means the cost of basic food, shelter and any other expenses of a Domestic Partner which are paid at least in part by a program or benefit for which the partner qualified because of the Domestic Partnership. The individuals need not contribute equally or jointly to the cost of these expenses as long as they agree that both are responsible for the cost.
ya know, honestly i think that this is the only type of union that is appropriate for me. or for anyone else, but i'll make the rest of y'all make that decision. the only stipulation that it makes is that i can't have another domestic partnership until six months after the last one ended. that's reasonable. that's a measure of personal responsibility. if you're hopping from partner to partner, getting benefits for all, you're causing beaurocratic paperwork (wastin' trees!) and kinda cheating the system and cheating yourself. anyway. i think it's pretty legit now, folks. we do share bills, groceries, living space and mutual caring - if i meet all the requirements, why not do it? oh, one final note:
indefinite: without limit; forever, or until further notice; not definite; vague or unclear; undecided or uncertain.
1. have an intimate, committed relationship of mutual caring, and
2. currently share the same regular and permanent residence, and
3. are jointly responsible for "basic living expenses, as defined below, and
4. are not legally married, and
5. are each eighteen (18) years of age or older, and
6. are not related by blood closer than would bar marriage in the state of residence, and
7. were mentally competent to consent to contract when our domestic partnership began, and
8. are each other's sole domestic partner and are responsible for each other's common welfare and intend to remain so indefinitely.
"Basic living expenses" means the cost of basic food, shelter and any other expenses of a Domestic Partner which are paid at least in part by a program or benefit for which the partner qualified because of the Domestic Partnership. The individuals need not contribute equally or jointly to the cost of these expenses as long as they agree that both are responsible for the cost.
ya know, honestly i think that this is the only type of union that is appropriate for me. or for anyone else, but i'll make the rest of y'all make that decision. the only stipulation that it makes is that i can't have another domestic partnership until six months after the last one ended. that's reasonable. that's a measure of personal responsibility. if you're hopping from partner to partner, getting benefits for all, you're causing beaurocratic paperwork (wastin' trees!) and kinda cheating the system and cheating yourself. anyway. i think it's pretty legit now, folks. we do share bills, groceries, living space and mutual caring - if i meet all the requirements, why not do it? oh, one final note:
indefinite: without limit; forever, or until further notice; not definite; vague or unclear; undecided or uncertain.
new job, hooray!
Dana got a new job! A new restaurant is opening up in town, and my beautiful, handsome Dana will be their salad chef! She had a shining interview and they loved her - she'll start at the end of the month. It's a little more money and a lot more respect, with the option to move up to higher paying positions, and the opportunity to set the precendent - not only because salad is the first course of the meals, but also because she'll be the first salad chef to ever work in that restaurant. I'm ever so pleased and proud of her, considering yesterday's unfortunate setback.
3.9.08
empleyo
I have a question for all of you, and this is a serious question which I hope that you will all spend some personal time thinking about, and that you'll come up with a serious answer.
What do you do with a BA in English?
No, seriously. Because there are a lot of things you can with that degree in general, but specifically, what exactly do you do? Pair that with an AS in Culinary Arts and you've got a high quality candidate right? Second question:
How did you get your job?
Because if you can get a job, no offense, but my Dana here should be able to get one too. Do you think it's because employers are reluctant to hire a masculine female? I don't like to think that was the case in some of these lost opportunities, but it does seem likely.
Some of it is this catch 22, where you can't get a job without experience, but you can't gain experience without a job. You know you have the skills but no employer's just going to take your word for it, they want proof, you know?
I got my first job in good faith, the guy hired me because I took photography, I knew cyan yellow and magenta, I could do basic math, and I had a good eye for color balance. I worked at that job for a year and a half until my personal life, and the store volume were not compatible anymore.
I got my current job with no phone experience, but now I'm pretty much a pro. Maybe that's why I don't want to work there anymore - I've mastered the menial task of "how are you today?" "how would you like to pay?" "Sure i'll set up a payment arrangement" "can i have your routing and account number?" Every call is exactly the same customer, every call is the same scenario. It's just hard because I'm a naturally compassionate person so when they say I have to sound concerned about the customer's situations, the only way for me to "sound" that way is to actually be concerned. I end up draining myself of all my love and care on people who will not, cannot reciprocate, and just want my sympathies so I'll give them what they want.
I digress. Any help out there? Anything? Ideas, comments, profanity?
What do you do with a BA in English?
No, seriously. Because there are a lot of things you can with that degree in general, but specifically, what exactly do you do? Pair that with an AS in Culinary Arts and you've got a high quality candidate right? Second question:
How did you get your job?
Because if you can get a job, no offense, but my Dana here should be able to get one too. Do you think it's because employers are reluctant to hire a masculine female? I don't like to think that was the case in some of these lost opportunities, but it does seem likely.
Some of it is this catch 22, where you can't get a job without experience, but you can't gain experience without a job. You know you have the skills but no employer's just going to take your word for it, they want proof, you know?
I got my first job in good faith, the guy hired me because I took photography, I knew cyan yellow and magenta, I could do basic math, and I had a good eye for color balance. I worked at that job for a year and a half until my personal life, and the store volume were not compatible anymore.
I got my current job with no phone experience, but now I'm pretty much a pro. Maybe that's why I don't want to work there anymore - I've mastered the menial task of "how are you today?" "how would you like to pay?" "Sure i'll set up a payment arrangement" "can i have your routing and account number?" Every call is exactly the same customer, every call is the same scenario. It's just hard because I'm a naturally compassionate person so when they say I have to sound concerned about the customer's situations, the only way for me to "sound" that way is to actually be concerned. I end up draining myself of all my love and care on people who will not, cannot reciprocate, and just want my sympathies so I'll give them what they want.
I digress. Any help out there? Anything? Ideas, comments, profanity?
22.8.08
last, first
Tonight is my very last night working until midnight. As long as I have the choice, I will never again work any later than 10:30. My new schedule is daily 3p-10:30p with school on T/R 11a-2p.
That is, of course, if I stay with my current employer. I had an "interview" last night with a potential employer, for which I called out sick from work. It was a 20 minute speech about what the job entails. Let me tell you something, that is absolutely completely disrespectful of my time that I had to call out of work to attend this little meeting under the guise of "interview". I don't do disrespect. And I'm not sure I really like the man I'll be working for. He's twice my size and I get the feeling he'll be full of negative criticism. I work best with lots of positive reinforcement. Also, competition is a major demotivator for me - this guy's big on competition.
The job is an admissions rep for a career school. I just want to see people succeed. I just want to see their lives change for the better because they decided to do something constructive. My "sales pitch" is that I take a consultative role with an obvious slant toward my product - this school. I don't see where the competition is in that.
Anyway, I'm not killing the idea yet. I'm just sayin' don't take things so seriously like it's a fight to the death, jeez. And please, next time we meet, please value and respect my time.
That is, of course, if I stay with my current employer. I had an "interview" last night with a potential employer, for which I called out sick from work. It was a 20 minute speech about what the job entails. Let me tell you something, that is absolutely completely disrespectful of my time that I had to call out of work to attend this little meeting under the guise of "interview". I don't do disrespect. And I'm not sure I really like the man I'll be working for. He's twice my size and I get the feeling he'll be full of negative criticism. I work best with lots of positive reinforcement. Also, competition is a major demotivator for me - this guy's big on competition.
The job is an admissions rep for a career school. I just want to see people succeed. I just want to see their lives change for the better because they decided to do something constructive. My "sales pitch" is that I take a consultative role with an obvious slant toward my product - this school. I don't see where the competition is in that.
Anyway, I'm not killing the idea yet. I'm just sayin' don't take things so seriously like it's a fight to the death, jeez. And please, next time we meet, please value and respect my time.
8.8.08
Prudence
Logo's Big Gay Sketch Show has a sketch about Suze Orman's television financial planning show wherein Julie Goldman is dressed up in her business casual best talking to lesbian callers about their financial troubles. One caller had a volunteer position, another made pretty close to minimum wage - the stories were pitiful. She was especially concerned to hear when lesbians weren't saving for retirement. The sketch, totally hi-larious. Nearing financial ruin at an ever increasing pace, not so hilarious.
Tuesday I saw a financial planner. I checked out my score online, I calculated my debts and assets, and I prepared myself for bad news. On the contrary, I'm actually not doing so bad. I have money in a 401k with my company, I'm not completely illiterate when it comes to financial options, and I've got a lot of ambition. I'm in full blown debt-smashing mode. I'm ready to opening a Roth IRA (for the poor folks!) and I'm sending more and more of my money back into my credit cards. Two trips to NYC in the past 12 months had me on the edge. Being financially responsible for my beloved cousin and her son for two months really tipped things over the edge. She's paying me back, but I'm realizing that I will have to pay back my creditors faster than she can pay me back. Basicaly, I need to pay back my debts yesterday. I cringe thinking about all the money that has gone into interest which I could have been saving! Avoid interest-charging debt like the plague people! Don't touch it, don't even go near it!
Now is the best time to redirect the financial path you're on. I've been working through some of Suze Orman's Financial Planning Workbook. Some of the exercises are a little funny, especially the one where I have to repear my financial mantra 75 times per day. I don't have time for that. But the exercises helped me figure out my greatest money fear:
I'm afraid of being stuck in a job that I hate just because it pays the bills, which also means that I can't have very much fun.
I think this stems from my mother because throughout her life I've rarely seen her spoil or pamper herself on little things (much less extravagant things) to reward herself for her perseverance. She's always held on to her cash because she needed it to pay a bill, to buy needful things rather than spending it on folly. My backlash to this has been to overspoil myself on a rather frequent basis because I don't believe that I deserve to do without the things that I want. Hence, credit card debt.
So, my financial mantra is:
I have an emotionally fulfilling job that meets my needs and allows me to spoil myself on occasion.
This is affirmation doesn't work without my effort, obviously, but I definitely confident and capable of achieving this kind of lifestyle. It's coming, folks. I can feel it! I'm ready for it, I welcome that easy lifestyle that gives me the things I need and doesn't hold me back from the things I want, all the while working a job that feeds my spirit with positive things.
Speaking of which, I applied to a job with a trade school here in town as a recruiter. How can you go wrong with an education? I can't sell TV's or porcelain figurines, or used cars, but I'm sure I can sell the benefits of an education. A definable skill, a clear career path, and greater earning capability. Here's hoping that I can get an afternoon or morning interview rather than an evening one that I'd have to call out of work at my current job to attend.
Tuesday I saw a financial planner. I checked out my score online, I calculated my debts and assets, and I prepared myself for bad news. On the contrary, I'm actually not doing so bad. I have money in a 401k with my company, I'm not completely illiterate when it comes to financial options, and I've got a lot of ambition. I'm in full blown debt-smashing mode. I'm ready to opening a Roth IRA (for the poor folks!) and I'm sending more and more of my money back into my credit cards. Two trips to NYC in the past 12 months had me on the edge. Being financially responsible for my beloved cousin and her son for two months really tipped things over the edge. She's paying me back, but I'm realizing that I will have to pay back my creditors faster than she can pay me back. Basicaly, I need to pay back my debts yesterday. I cringe thinking about all the money that has gone into interest which I could have been saving! Avoid interest-charging debt like the plague people! Don't touch it, don't even go near it!
Now is the best time to redirect the financial path you're on. I've been working through some of Suze Orman's Financial Planning Workbook. Some of the exercises are a little funny, especially the one where I have to repear my financial mantra 75 times per day. I don't have time for that. But the exercises helped me figure out my greatest money fear:
I'm afraid of being stuck in a job that I hate just because it pays the bills, which also means that I can't have very much fun.
I think this stems from my mother because throughout her life I've rarely seen her spoil or pamper herself on little things (much less extravagant things) to reward herself for her perseverance. She's always held on to her cash because she needed it to pay a bill, to buy needful things rather than spending it on folly. My backlash to this has been to overspoil myself on a rather frequent basis because I don't believe that I deserve to do without the things that I want. Hence, credit card debt.
So, my financial mantra is:
I have an emotionally fulfilling job that meets my needs and allows me to spoil myself on occasion.
This is affirmation doesn't work without my effort, obviously, but I definitely confident and capable of achieving this kind of lifestyle. It's coming, folks. I can feel it! I'm ready for it, I welcome that easy lifestyle that gives me the things I need and doesn't hold me back from the things I want, all the while working a job that feeds my spirit with positive things.
Speaking of which, I applied to a job with a trade school here in town as a recruiter. How can you go wrong with an education? I can't sell TV's or porcelain figurines, or used cars, but I'm sure I can sell the benefits of an education. A definable skill, a clear career path, and greater earning capability. Here's hoping that I can get an afternoon or morning interview rather than an evening one that I'd have to call out of work at my current job to attend.
22.7.08
Yeah. So after the Dr visit today, I'm convinced that my body is just trying to tell me something. It's trying to say, "Quit puttin' in JUNK!"
I've got the GERD. The only things I can safely eat without having digestive distress are fruits, vegetables and breads. A friend suggested baked chicken with very little spices in it. No dairy. No red meat. Doc gave me Nexium. But dear fellows, let me tell you. I am too damn young and all these damn pills. Here's the rundown.
Lipitor (cholesterol, indicated by diabetes)
Lisinopril (blood pressure, indicated by diabetes)
Metformin (blood sugar regulation)
Allegra 180 (the tree, dust, pet, mold allergies)
Yasmin (BCPs to keep ovarian cysts at bay)
and today, the Nexium for my GERD/acid reflux disease.
This doesn't even count the nasal sprays that I'm not taking because they are gross. They're supposed to help with my sinus congestion (not runny nose, mind you, junk in my face, rather) to keep me from getting sinus and ear infections.
Thankfully, I'm gettin' setup with FMLA for the days that I've been out so it will not count against my good attendance record at work. Phew!
But what I'm saying. Is that my body is only a representation of all the shit that's wrong with the environment, and with packaged, processed food. You heard it from Miss Avarice's stomach. Right from the horse's mouth. SO
Quit puttin' in junk!
I've got the GERD. The only things I can safely eat without having digestive distress are fruits, vegetables and breads. A friend suggested baked chicken with very little spices in it. No dairy. No red meat. Doc gave me Nexium. But dear fellows, let me tell you. I am too damn young and all these damn pills. Here's the rundown.
Lipitor (cholesterol, indicated by diabetes)
Lisinopril (blood pressure, indicated by diabetes)
Metformin (blood sugar regulation)
Allegra 180 (the tree, dust, pet, mold allergies)
Yasmin (BCPs to keep ovarian cysts at bay)
and today, the Nexium for my GERD/acid reflux disease.
This doesn't even count the nasal sprays that I'm not taking because they are gross. They're supposed to help with my sinus congestion (not runny nose, mind you, junk in my face, rather) to keep me from getting sinus and ear infections.
Thankfully, I'm gettin' setup with FMLA for the days that I've been out so it will not count against my good attendance record at work. Phew!
But what I'm saying. Is that my body is only a representation of all the shit that's wrong with the environment, and with packaged, processed food. You heard it from Miss Avarice's stomach. Right from the horse's mouth. SO
Quit puttin' in junk!
21.7.08
least sexy post ever
Prepare yourselves for the least sexy post you will ever hear from me on this blog. If you have a weak stomach, stop reading now.
Also.
There were a lot of revisions suggested to my last post.
I will strive to live up to your standards this time.
Since Wednesday I have been experiencing indigestion and some stomach irritation. Today, I had to go home from work, lest I shit my pants at my desk chair. Needless to say, work is none too happy with me because I called out of a 5 hour shift on Thursday, and today I had to go home at my lunch break. I've never understood the way employers require such harsh attendance rules. I mean. I understand keeping bodies in the seats. But when I'm pooping my brains out, in severe pain from trying to keep all the gases and waste materials in my lower intestines instead on the floor by my desk. You know. Colds, coughs and sinus issues are so apparent on the outside, but diarrhea is best kept a secret. That means that for the past 5 days I have been trying to prove to my employer that the reason I can't come to work is because I'm pooping my brains out without any hard evidence. Impossible.
After talking with Coko, who suggested that it was IBS, I'm wondering if it is actually a physical reaction to not wanting to be at this job. I feel stuck in it, because it is an inopportune time to be looking for more work. But it is so unfulfilling, it does not take into account my numerous talents, it is positively life-sucking. Not as bad as the jobs I've had before, but a year and a half of schmoozing payments out of people for the cell phone contract they signed themselves up for, I'm done. So my body is trying to release this "stuck in my job" feeling by creating the flow of shit.
I think Dana's got the runs, too. We're going to the doctor tomorrow. And she has a job interview. Hooray!
Also.
There were a lot of revisions suggested to my last post.
I will strive to live up to your standards this time.
Since Wednesday I have been experiencing indigestion and some stomach irritation. Today, I had to go home from work, lest I shit my pants at my desk chair. Needless to say, work is none too happy with me because I called out of a 5 hour shift on Thursday, and today I had to go home at my lunch break. I've never understood the way employers require such harsh attendance rules. I mean. I understand keeping bodies in the seats. But when I'm pooping my brains out, in severe pain from trying to keep all the gases and waste materials in my lower intestines instead on the floor by my desk. You know. Colds, coughs and sinus issues are so apparent on the outside, but diarrhea is best kept a secret. That means that for the past 5 days I have been trying to prove to my employer that the reason I can't come to work is because I'm pooping my brains out without any hard evidence. Impossible.
After talking with Coko, who suggested that it was IBS, I'm wondering if it is actually a physical reaction to not wanting to be at this job. I feel stuck in it, because it is an inopportune time to be looking for more work. But it is so unfulfilling, it does not take into account my numerous talents, it is positively life-sucking. Not as bad as the jobs I've had before, but a year and a half of schmoozing payments out of people for the cell phone contract they signed themselves up for, I'm done. So my body is trying to release this "stuck in my job" feeling by creating the flow of shit.
I think Dana's got the runs, too. We're going to the doctor tomorrow. And she has a job interview. Hooray!
8.7.08
new horizons seem so far away
I'm still not doing very well, but I took a much needed unplanned day off yesterday which helped tremendously. I was feeling ill, I was cramping, and Dana had the day off. I wanted to be with her. I spent the majority of the day basically glued to her side, requiring her affections. We had dinner with Stefanie, had a Border's run (I've been spending my excess lack of funds there a lot lately). Spent the day mostly looking for a new job on the internet, looking up massage schools in NY state, looking up job opportunities in Jersey, and generally being weepy and asking the Universe what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.
I haven't written much about sex or sexuality or anything of late, and for that I hope to do some kind of penance. But sex with Dana has lately felt so very private, I have been wanting to hold it in my heart and not share it. It has been about reconnecting with her, it has been full of loving, tender touch. I have been filling my life with relaxing music, guided meditations and deep breaths. I've been trying to get to the breath of life, as it seems to have escaped me. I'm reaching for my dreams because I've put them on the back burner for a year and a half. Won't you forgive me? Life just doesn't revolve around my sex or gender right now.
I haven't written much about sex or sexuality or anything of late, and for that I hope to do some kind of penance. But sex with Dana has lately felt so very private, I have been wanting to hold it in my heart and not share it. It has been about reconnecting with her, it has been full of loving, tender touch. I have been filling my life with relaxing music, guided meditations and deep breaths. I've been trying to get to the breath of life, as it seems to have escaped me. I'm reaching for my dreams because I've put them on the back burner for a year and a half. Won't you forgive me? Life just doesn't revolve around my sex or gender right now.
30.12.07
lurking in the shadows
Can I just say that anonymous readers that don't ever comment kinda really freak me out. Someone reads from Orlando. I don't technically have any friends in Orlando! There's someone from Rochester, Chicago, Seattle, Winston-Salem, L.A., Jersey (several) and even someone from London! There are several visitors that I can kinda guess, because they're the only ones - like Philly, Springfield, and my lone Aussie ;) but Atlanta?? or Mobile? or Cullowhee? Cuz honey, you and I are probably the only ones who've even heard of Cullowhee and that makes me nervous!
It make me think I've been found out. But even if you're reading. You don't technically know who I am. Technically. All you know is that I'm some girl from the south who likes to go around busting up roles, stereotypes and paradigms. Wriggling herself the limelight. Maybe not limelight, exactly. Maybe.
All I'm asking, is that you state your name (not name your state).
Tell me your story - even if it's a one-liner.
Comment or e-mail.
On the work front: My cubicle neighbor lady at work keeps telling me what I wild thing I am. The secret is that it kinda turns me on when she says in her dry, school-matron voice, "You wild thing, you..." as she raises an eyebrow. I told her about the Twisted Monk Rope Kit that is in a brown truck somewhere on its way here from Los Angeles. I also bought a Rock Chick for a special someone who will remain nameless to protect the innocent. And a black leather riding crop. And a faint pink glass butt plug. (WHAT? you say? A butt plug you say? Yeah that's what I said. It was pretty, what can I say? I had to have it. But seriously, sex toy masterminds - can't you come up with a prettier name than butt plug? Even anal plug is distasteful. "Plug" sounds like a kitchen utensil. Like. drain plug. It's more like. An ass decoration. heehee. Um. I've had a little wine. This the longest parenthetical statement I have made in years!)
BY THE WAY - and forgive me for being traitorous: Blowfish.com is on sale, 10% off of $100, 15% off of $150 and $20 off of $200. And free shipping over $100 Which means if you get $200 worth of stuff, you only pay $160 and it comes to your house for FREE. Granted, the shipping is scheduled to take 11 days (from the ship date mind you, which is like 4 days after the order date) and I'm really anxious for it to arrive!
Recap:
1. Random non-commenters, introduce yourselves!
2. Shameless kink at work - what?
3. Think of a new name for butt plug.
4. Blowfish.com is on sale.
5. I have sneezed four times while writing this blog.
It make me think I've been found out. But even if you're reading. You don't technically know who I am. Technically. All you know is that I'm some girl from the south who likes to go around busting up roles, stereotypes and paradigms. Wriggling herself the limelight. Maybe not limelight, exactly. Maybe.
All I'm asking, is that you state your name (not name your state).
Tell me your story - even if it's a one-liner.
Comment or e-mail.
On the work front: My cubicle neighbor lady at work keeps telling me what I wild thing I am. The secret is that it kinda turns me on when she says in her dry, school-matron voice, "You wild thing, you..." as she raises an eyebrow. I told her about the Twisted Monk Rope Kit that is in a brown truck somewhere on its way here from Los Angeles. I also bought a Rock Chick for a special someone who will remain nameless to protect the innocent. And a black leather riding crop. And a faint pink glass butt plug. (WHAT? you say? A butt plug you say? Yeah that's what I said. It was pretty, what can I say? I had to have it. But seriously, sex toy masterminds - can't you come up with a prettier name than butt plug? Even anal plug is distasteful. "Plug" sounds like a kitchen utensil. Like. drain plug. It's more like. An ass decoration. heehee. Um. I've had a little wine. This the longest parenthetical statement I have made in years!)
BY THE WAY - and forgive me for being traitorous: Blowfish.com is on sale, 10% off of $100, 15% off of $150 and $20 off of $200. And free shipping over $100 Which means if you get $200 worth of stuff, you only pay $160 and it comes to your house for FREE. Granted, the shipping is scheduled to take 11 days (from the ship date mind you, which is like 4 days after the order date) and I'm really anxious for it to arrive!
Recap:
1. Random non-commenters, introduce yourselves!
2. Shameless kink at work - what?
3. Think of a new name for butt plug.
4. Blowfish.com is on sale.
5. I have sneezed four times while writing this blog.
29.12.07
equal opportunity employer
My company supports queer identities and gender variance.
How do I know? They told me so. Let me count the ways.
During the HR presentation in my new-hire training, the HR gal adamantly said that no harassment based on sexual orientation, or gender identity will be tolerated. Then, she repeated herself. I find myself surrounded by confident and successful dykes, sweet, sweet gay boys, and less than straight girlies all the time. A great number of people in management are noticeably queer and it makes me feel so very welcome. The company offers the same benefits to domestic partners (same sex and opposite sex) as they do to formally married couples, including life insurance beneficiaries.
In our company newsletter this month, they are celebrating all the ways that our employees are involved in their "communities" that live out our brand - a slogan that celebrates togetherness. The first page features two brief spotlights of note. The first one is a male ballet dancer - a gender buster for sure, queer or not. The second is a picture of two beautiful, tough butch women in full (American) football gear. They are members of New Mexico Menace, an all female full-contact team. I had to take a second glance to note the feminine features of these burly girls. Whether or not they're actually queer, the recognition of female masculinity put a smile on my face.
See? My company values queer identities and gender variance. I'm totally beaming with pride.
How do I know? They told me so. Let me count the ways.
During the HR presentation in my new-hire training, the HR gal adamantly said that no harassment based on sexual orientation, or gender identity will be tolerated. Then, she repeated herself. I find myself surrounded by confident and successful dykes, sweet, sweet gay boys, and less than straight girlies all the time. A great number of people in management are noticeably queer and it makes me feel so very welcome. The company offers the same benefits to domestic partners (same sex and opposite sex) as they do to formally married couples, including life insurance beneficiaries.
In our company newsletter this month, they are celebrating all the ways that our employees are involved in their "communities" that live out our brand - a slogan that celebrates togetherness. The first page features two brief spotlights of note. The first one is a male ballet dancer - a gender buster for sure, queer or not. The second is a picture of two beautiful, tough butch women in full (American) football gear. They are members of New Mexico Menace, an all female full-contact team. I had to take a second glance to note the feminine features of these burly girls. Whether or not they're actually queer, the recognition of female masculinity put a smile on my face.
See? My company values queer identities and gender variance. I'm totally beaming with pride.
27.10.07
Everybody's doing it
My paternal grandmother and her soon-to-be sister-in-law were fast friends when they had their "coming out". The were some of the last young women in the 30's and 40's to have a proper debut, and what lovely debutantes they were in their frilly white gowns. At what must have been my own debut, my high school graduation party, I wore a summer dress with blue flowers and bright blue flip flops.
When I got home to do my blog quick-catch-up from google reader I noticed a theme of "coming out" issues, so I thought I'd let one out of the bag that just kinda happened tonight. You see, I get one-on-one time with my team-lead for half an hour once a week. Normally we review my progress month to date, stats, quality, the business side because really that's what our meetings are for. But tonight we went over my bonus for about 2 minutes and then spent the rest of the time just talking about life and stuff. We don't get a lot of time to do that and we were both super stressed out and on our periods and cranky. So somehow we got on the top of the halloween party I'm attending tomorrow, and the party I attended last weekend and she asked me what my costume was.
So this is my first "real" job and I'm not really sure how much information I can give to people and still keep it "HR appropriate". And I don't really know how much I want to share about my personal life with people at work. After a little bit of probing to find out if she would be "safe", I decided to just tell her about my corset and my fishnet tights and all. And my plan to wear my work clothes so that I would be "forcefully disrobed" upon arrival. She just laughed and said I was funny. And she offered me a gracious moment of recognition, too - Boss said I seem to party a lot and I said "no, not that often, they haven't taken me out to the [aforementioned] gay dive bar [where the kiss story happened] in quite awhile." She said "oh yeah, [hot stud supervisor in neighboring work-group] said she was going to take me there but I didn't really know if I would belong there......." Just by the subtle recognition she validated my company's commitment to diversity and assured me that being a lesbian in her work-group is fine by her. I appreciate that.
So now, she knows I'm a bit on the naughty side (away from work, anyway) and now I know she knows I'm a lesbian and that it's all good. yey!
When I got home to do my blog quick-catch-up from google reader I noticed a theme of "coming out" issues, so I thought I'd let one out of the bag that just kinda happened tonight. You see, I get one-on-one time with my team-lead for half an hour once a week. Normally we review my progress month to date, stats, quality, the business side because really that's what our meetings are for. But tonight we went over my bonus for about 2 minutes and then spent the rest of the time just talking about life and stuff. We don't get a lot of time to do that and we were both super stressed out and on our periods and cranky. So somehow we got on the top of the halloween party I'm attending tomorrow, and the party I attended last weekend and she asked me what my costume was.
So this is my first "real" job and I'm not really sure how much information I can give to people and still keep it "HR appropriate". And I don't really know how much I want to share about my personal life with people at work. After a little bit of probing to find out if she would be "safe", I decided to just tell her about my corset and my fishnet tights and all. And my plan to wear my work clothes so that I would be "forcefully disrobed" upon arrival. She just laughed and said I was funny. And she offered me a gracious moment of recognition, too - Boss said I seem to party a lot and I said "no, not that often, they haven't taken me out to the [aforementioned] gay dive bar [where the kiss story happened] in quite awhile." She said "oh yeah, [hot stud supervisor in neighboring work-group] said she was going to take me there but I didn't really know if I would belong there......." Just by the subtle recognition she validated my company's commitment to diversity and assured me that being a lesbian in her work-group is fine by her. I appreciate that.
So now, she knows I'm a bit on the naughty side (away from work, anyway) and now I know she knows I'm a lesbian and that it's all good. yey!
19.10.07
Be assertive, ladies!
An important friend of mine led me to an article in the Washington Post.
So why do men earn more than women? Why do some men have more opportunities and a more prosperous wage and benefit negotiations?
Except that there's more to the story. Go read it, be assertive and ASK FOR YOU WHAT YOU WANT. It's more than a mantra for the bedroom (or the alley, or the bathroom, or the back seat of a car), it's a shift in your thinking about yourself and what you are worth and what you deserve.
So why do men earn more than women? Why do some men have more opportunities and a more prosperous wage and benefit negotiations?
The traditional explanation for the gender differences that Babcock found is that men are simply more aggressive than women, perhaps because of a combination of genetics and upbringing. The solution to gender disparities, this school of thought suggests, is to train women to be more assertive and to ask for more.
Except that there's more to the story. Go read it, be assertive and ASK FOR YOU WHAT YOU WANT. It's more than a mantra for the bedroom (or the alley, or the bathroom, or the back seat of a car), it's a shift in your thinking about yourself and what you are worth and what you deserve.
17.10.07
Attitude Adjustment
Without even revising, polishing any of my poetry - never mind submitting it for publication, I found myself thinking this afternoon that my writing is simply unpublishable. Like this blog, my poetry is self-centered, way too personal and abstract, and totally lacking in theses. All of my poems these days have I's in them. I this, me that. Who am I to say that my work is no good? Or that it is any good at all? I've been such a fatalist. Let me take it one step at a time. Being in a poetry workshop again would be helpful. Avarice, why haven't you done that yet? Put that on the 43thingslist. Ugh. My list is too long.
I want to polish these poems: Siren, Do it With Tenderness, Secrets, Peaches, and even Wants/Needs - there seem to be some journals who may publish such a thing...
I skipped school and made some revisions to Not a Skinny Girl:
I am not a skinny girl
I can take up space.
I like being able to
spread out my borders
like a blanket on the beach
I am not a skinny girl
And. I. Love. My. Breasts.
The pair hang suspended,
thick, heavy and expectant.
Saturated with power,
they attract, warn, bless, curse.
But more than anything,
my breasts show appreciation.
I am not a skinny girl.
And. I. Love. My. Belly.
She is round and sweet,
leans over the balcony
of my jeans trying to
breathe fresh, fresh air.
My belly hovers, vigilant above
such tender flesh below.
She guards, gentle, alert.
I am not a skinny girl.
And. I. Love. My. Legs.
They have stamped out injustice,
the musical beat of a revolution.
They are strong under my weight
strong as I await a deeper freedom
Marching me into the future,
My legs know the truth.
[it needs a resolution. it just ends. what does it need? do i need encourage big girls to be themselves? how do i say fuck the man and his wiry definition of beauty?]
I wish I could always explain why I wrote a poem in such a way. Purposefully, I never said [in so many words] "I'm not skinny, but..." anything. "but, i don't mind being big", "but i'm still beautiful", "but I have other redeeming qualities."
Being "not skinny" and being beautiful or sexual or strong or proud or confident - they are two separate ideas. So I use -AND- to bring them together. I am not a skinny girl AND I love myself. AND I'm not afraid to take up space. AND I'm not afraid to take up space... in fact, I kinda like it. The word BUT would have given it a sense of apology. I'm sorry I'm not a skinny girl? Hell no, and Far from it.
I want to polish these poems: Siren, Do it With Tenderness, Secrets, Peaches, and even Wants/Needs - there seem to be some journals who may publish such a thing...
I skipped school and made some revisions to Not a Skinny Girl:
I am not a skinny girl
I can take up space.
I like being able to
spread out my borders
like a blanket on the beach
I am not a skinny girl
And. I. Love. My. Breasts.
The pair hang suspended,
thick, heavy and expectant.
Saturated with power,
they attract, warn, bless, curse.
But more than anything,
my breasts show appreciation.
I am not a skinny girl.
And. I. Love. My. Belly.
She is round and sweet,
leans over the balcony
of my jeans trying to
breathe fresh, fresh air.
My belly hovers, vigilant above
such tender flesh below.
She guards, gentle, alert.
I am not a skinny girl.
And. I. Love. My. Legs.
They have stamped out injustice,
the musical beat of a revolution.
They are strong under my weight
strong as I await a deeper freedom
Marching me into the future,
My legs know the truth.
[it needs a resolution. it just ends. what does it need? do i need encourage big girls to be themselves? how do i say fuck the man and his wiry definition of beauty?]
I wish I could always explain why I wrote a poem in such a way. Purposefully, I never said [in so many words] "I'm not skinny, but..." anything. "but, i don't mind being big", "but i'm still beautiful", "but I have other redeeming qualities."
Being "not skinny" and being beautiful or sexual or strong or proud or confident - they are two separate ideas. So I use -AND- to bring them together. I am not a skinny girl AND I love myself. AND I'm not afraid to take up space. AND I'm not afraid to take up space... in fact, I kinda like it. The word BUT would have given it a sense of apology. I'm sorry I'm not a skinny girl? Hell no, and Far from it.
12.10.07
found OUT
Hah! Work today was so entertaining.
First, I told my cubicle-neighbor Cay that I had been at "body image" workshop over the weekend - and she said, "so, was it one of those things where you sit in a circle nude...? i saw a preogram on tv once..." I winked at her. Cay is probably in her 50's, top heavy like me and I can always hear the subtle sarcasm in her voice when she's talking to customers and it cracks me up. We had a disjointed conversation about how scary it must be and how brave I must have been to be able to do something like that. She said she could never do that. I beg to differ.
Secondly, since it was COD I decided to take the opportunity to come out to a former cubicle-neighbor (we've been playing musical cubicles lately). Dee's going through a divorce and when she told her 17 year old daughter that they were going to moving out of their house, the daughter said, "So we're really moving this time? Ugh, mom why couldn't you have been gay? Then you wouldn't have to deal with all that!" Of course we agreed that this can happen to anyone, but I said, "so... speaking of which, it's National Coming Out Day!" --- "Are you trying to tell me something?"
"I said of course I am!"
"Oh, I kinda figured. I'm bisexual, myself"
So, that's the first person in this particular work-group that I've told. Not that I was trying to keep it hidden, but it was never relevant to conversation, and I thought it would be awkward to just be like, yep, I'm gay, hope ya don't mind, folks! And omg the assistant manager in the pod next to ours is such a stud, wow, I find myself always prancing by the entrance to their part of the building hoping to catch a glimpse. ;)
Aside: I also had a terribly uncomfortable dream in which a former female instructor at my bible school was trying to hook me up with a boy. He had already made one gesture in my direction that I was completely oblivious to until she pointed it out to me. I didn't seem to have any choice in the matter as he had already planned out his second wooing attempt. I felt like calling her and saying, look, I had this dream, and guess what today is. No, I don't like boys, I've told you before and I'll tell you again, no, no and most likely never!
My new flogger is hanging from the handle of my closet door, teasing me. It's quite soft and squishy and I suspect that it's not going to hurt much. Maybe that'll be good for working with people I don't know very well. Unless they knock my upside the head with the handle or something... yikes
First, I told my cubicle-neighbor Cay that I had been at "body image" workshop over the weekend - and she said, "so, was it one of those things where you sit in a circle nude...? i saw a preogram on tv once..." I winked at her. Cay is probably in her 50's, top heavy like me and I can always hear the subtle sarcasm in her voice when she's talking to customers and it cracks me up. We had a disjointed conversation about how scary it must be and how brave I must have been to be able to do something like that. She said she could never do that. I beg to differ.
Secondly, since it was COD I decided to take the opportunity to come out to a former cubicle-neighbor (we've been playing musical cubicles lately). Dee's going through a divorce and when she told her 17 year old daughter that they were going to moving out of their house, the daughter said, "So we're really moving this time? Ugh, mom why couldn't you have been gay? Then you wouldn't have to deal with all that!" Of course we agreed that this can happen to anyone, but I said, "so... speaking of which, it's National Coming Out Day!" --- "Are you trying to tell me something?"
"I said of course I am!"
"Oh, I kinda figured. I'm bisexual, myself"
So, that's the first person in this particular work-group that I've told. Not that I was trying to keep it hidden, but it was never relevant to conversation, and I thought it would be awkward to just be like, yep, I'm gay, hope ya don't mind, folks! And omg the assistant manager in the pod next to ours is such a stud, wow, I find myself always prancing by the entrance to their part of the building hoping to catch a glimpse. ;)
Aside: I also had a terribly uncomfortable dream in which a former female instructor at my bible school was trying to hook me up with a boy. He had already made one gesture in my direction that I was completely oblivious to until she pointed it out to me. I didn't seem to have any choice in the matter as he had already planned out his second wooing attempt. I felt like calling her and saying, look, I had this dream, and guess what today is. No, I don't like boys, I've told you before and I'll tell you again, no, no and most likely never!
My new flogger is hanging from the handle of my closet door, teasing me. It's quite soft and squishy and I suspect that it's not going to hurt much. Maybe that'll be good for working with people I don't know very well. Unless they knock my upside the head with the handle or something... yikes
14.9.07
stress management
I've had a bath with jasmine oil and I smell like walking past a jasmine bush after dark. You might have trouble seeing it in the shadow, the fragrance hits you and then wafts off and leave you wanting more. Wanting to know where it originates.
I can feel some anxiety creeping in. I can feel my furrowed brow getting cramped. I am starting to feel like my spirit is extended past the borders of my body. I can taste the saltwater in my mouth and I'm kicking my feet to stay above the surface of the water. So I procrastinated and had a bath.
I've had a rough day. Work today was. Unfortunate. I had a customer who put on a good show and manipulated me. And that really pisses me off. But I have to transfer that energy. They're not mad at me. At the very centre, they're mad at themselves. And they take it out on me.
I bought Vogue. An impulse I couldn't resist. it's 840 pages of ads and artsy photography. Culture to unravel. And beautiful (most of them are honestly beautiful) thin women who will never know the joy I find in the teardrop shape of my belly, it comes to a point between two fulfilled breasts. I was admiring myself naked, just now, in the new mirror I've inherited from family. I was smiling.
I can feel some anxiety creeping in. I can feel my furrowed brow getting cramped. I am starting to feel like my spirit is extended past the borders of my body. I can taste the saltwater in my mouth and I'm kicking my feet to stay above the surface of the water. So I procrastinated and had a bath.
I've had a rough day. Work today was. Unfortunate. I had a customer who put on a good show and manipulated me. And that really pisses me off. But I have to transfer that energy. They're not mad at me. At the very centre, they're mad at themselves. And they take it out on me.
I bought Vogue. An impulse I couldn't resist. it's 840 pages of ads and artsy photography. Culture to unravel. And beautiful (most of them are honestly beautiful) thin women who will never know the joy I find in the teardrop shape of my belly, it comes to a point between two fulfilled breasts. I was admiring myself naked, just now, in the new mirror I've inherited from family. I was smiling.
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