gender, again, finally!

Today I wish I had a more private place to post my thoughts. I'm feeling so conflicted, and a little bit confused. But calm and steady anyhow.

I'm going to be included in a "blog tour" of an upcoming publication in April so look out for some new information soon!

I have finally developed my thesis for the capstone project I have to do in order to graduate with my B.A. in Women's Studies. It is as follows:


Two main gender presentations, "butch" and "femme," dominated the lesbian community before the women's liberation movement of the 1960's and 1970's. "Butch" women presented themselves in a masculine way, and "femme" women presented themselves in a feminine way. Feminist of the time viewed the butch and femme lifestyle as a replication of the traditional roles within heterosexual relationships.

The 1990's brought to lesbian culture a surge of novels, anthologies, and other writings about the experiences of butches and femmes. Many books focused on the gender transgression of butch women while others focused on the complex relationships that butches and femmes have to one another. I believe this disproportionate focus on female masculinity has attracted gender theorists because patriarchal culture favors masculinity and undervalues femininity. Writings about the experiences of femmes have only recently begun to appear in academia. My research will assess works dealing with butches and femmes, and the availability of scholarship about queer femininity. I hypothesize that a disproportionate body of work focuses on butchness while relatively few works explore queer femininity. An inventory of the available literature will illuminate the overshadowing of femininity within gender theory and lead to a better understanding of the politics of theoretic production.

This was with the help of Tegee, otherwise I really wouldn't have been able to make it sound that smart and scholarly. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty smart, but she made it sound so much more important and big than it actually is! Craziness.

Had a nice day with Dana, did laundry, had tea, we knitted/cross stitched at the laundromat. I realized that not having a washer and drying gets me out of my uberwhiteness a little bit, and maybe I won't get a washer/dryer. Bought a clothes line today, so we can hand wash some small items, and save on laundry costs by drying them at home. It reminds me of Mexico. And that one time in turkey that we stayed in the top floor of a hotel with out own landing so we strung up our clothes there.

I need to talk to someone unrelated to my situation but who still understands what I'm struggling with. Dana wants me to be happy, but she doesn't believe the same way that I do about it, so our discussions are a little bit circular. I think I need a great big hug and a cry. Haven't had one of those in awhile. It's coming, I can feel it.

Writing for Femme's Guide

For those of you who don't know, I have been contributing to The Femme's Guide to Absolutely Everything since September. I don't like to cross post, and I've done a poor job of letting you all know when I post over there. You can read all my posts here. In lieu of timely announcements, an overview of a few recent posts follows:

In "Thigh Chafing: You Don't Have to Grin and Bear It" I laid out an armory of weapons with which to combat inner thigh chafing. Not a fun thing, yet it's a rather frequent event in the warm Southern climate.

Money Matters I recommended a blog called femme economics at Queercents.com, which deals with creating and maintaining one's femme image on a budget.

I contemplated whether butches or femmes are the "stronger" of the two, in Who's the Strongest?, but I came to the conclusion that we face the world together, holding each other’s hand for confidence and balance.

In the first of two posts I made in preparation for my Queer Theory term paper on femm e and femininity, I chronicled some of the events that lead to The Origin of my Femme Identity. This post was followed by my most recent post, where I came up with four answers to the question, "How Does Femme Queer Femininity?".

One of my goals is to start doing product reviews on makeup items. I've recently been working with mark. makeup and I'm falling in love with their commitment to portable makeup and on-the-go application. I'll be writing that soon, work schedule permitting. I'm working 40 hours this week... haven't done that in months!

Update; sectional.

I've sat down to write several posts recently. I was going to write another excerpt from John Poster's book "Meals for Males" and I got distracted looking at the funny French names he gave his pheasant recipes. Hi-larious.

I also wanted to write about our housing project: we found out Dana's lease is not up until 2/09 so we have a good four months until we move out of this 650 sq ft studio apartment. The house hunt will have to be postponed at least until the first of the year.

My new job started on Thursday. In two weeks I will work a whopping 17 hours - clearly this is not enough, but apparently all the other stores I applied to in our mall are competitors of this store. And the two that weren't sent me a thanks-but-no-thanks letter.

I'm totally jealous of everyone who was privileged enough to go to the NYC Sexbloggers' Calendar debut party. Debauchery was bound to "ensue" as they say. *sigh* Everything fun happens in New York!

My anxiety got the best of me - I am not one for protests because they tend to give me claustrophobia. I did not go, please forgive me. Instead I did my part to further the gay agenda by going to a pet adoption expo!

It is nearing the end of the semester and I will have my nose in actual books for about the next six weeks. One of my final papers is about the writings of Denise Chavez. The other paper will be an "autoethnography" where I talk about the effects of culture on myself as it relates to queer theory. I've chosen once again to talk about the femme identity. My professor wants me to answer the question, "how does femme queer femininity?" for indeed it does. I'm supposed to write about moments in my life that helped to shape my femme identity. I'll write about those scenes another time. I'm a bit behind in homework too, so expect to see and hear from me even less than you already do. I read everyone's writings, but I am just having so much trouble formulating my thoughts.

Next Wednesday I'm being inducted into my university's founding chapter of iota iota iota, which is an honor society for undergraduates focushttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifing in Women's Studies. The color is lavender - isn't that nice? It's named for Inana, Ishtar and Isis.

Dana's new job promised her 40 hours and has totally disregarded that commitment. Although she is getting the most hours out of everyone, she is still getting less than forty. She actually makes less at the new job than she did at the old horrible sucky job because she ended up working overtime before, whereas she is not allowed to now. Looking for new or second job now, as money is way, way tight. With a move on the horizon, we both need to bringing in as much moola as possible. Life is not propelled by my smiling face alone, but by the bank.

Should I or shouldn't I arrange play dates with a certain pair of beautiful people? yea or nay? It sounds like a good idea, I definitely could see it working out, but at the same time there are always risks, you know? I don't want to risk my beautiful partner in exchange for a fleeting thrill. But I also see the value in expanding one's personal horizons. If it happens, I think they're going to have to make the first move.

I'm now uninsured. Health is doing alright, but the main thing is eating right, eating small meals at frequent intervals, and taking meds on time. We purchased a bathroom scale the other day, which is a good measure of how my overall blood glucose is doing. Sugar goes up, weight goes up, and the opposite is also true.

Taking everything into consideration, however, I'm feeling absolutely fabulous. I am more and more in love with Dana. I feel more and more comfortable with our relationship. We talk about everything, we welcome change and progress, and we constantly reaffirm to each other our commitment to making things work. She sure means a whole lot to me.

busy bees

I have to say, and I hate to say, writing here has become somewhat of a chore. It does not flow easily as it used to. I forget the things that I meant to tell you about, and I groan to think of how many days it has been since my last post of substance. I don't even count hits anymore, I can hardly find time to read and respond to the legion butch/femme and sexuality writers out there. And let me tell you, they are legion. The number of people I read now, vs. whom I read a year ago has probably doubled if not tripled. I can't keep up with all your fantastic theory, self revelation and revelry, and even the reality checks that bring things into focus.

I'm not saying I'm going to stop writing altogether, because I'm sure once I get back in the groove of things, I'll be scribbling off notes to myself left and right. I've been very pleased to delve into Queer Theory: An Introduction and American Queer, Now and Then and Gendering Bodies.

If you're looking for great writing about gender troubles or the thin lines between butch and trans, definitely look for writings by the distinguished sociology and feminist professor Dr. Sara Crawley. Ze has several rather engaging publications in print right now, one of which I used for the paper I gave on Femme legitimacy in the queer community. Read "Prioritizing Audiences: Exploring the Differences Between Stone Butch and Transgender Selves". It'll rock your transmasculine world.

Since I have reported myself as somewhat of a sexblog, but more of a life/queerness/women's issues blog lately... I should tell you that the sex is um... infrequent but very, very good. You know it's good when it lasts you a few days. When it's really good, we've found each other saying, "last night was so nice!" I get little text messages saying, "I can't stop thinking about how good you made me feel!" Right now our love is not that voracious, raging, new love. It has simmered and sizzled into a satisfying, comfortable, snuggle-me-at-night love, we are not tragic, we are not heroic, we are not married, she is not my wife. But we coexist so peacefully, she and I.

So many months of begging the universe to bring me someone good for me and here she is. It's not all peaches and cream (oooh... peaches and cream!) -- close -- but it is steady and calm.

I found myself missing the sacred circle of the Body Electric School the other day. Sunday. I had not felt that void in some time, but it was there. A womyn-only-space shaped hole in my heart. Naked singing and dancing hole. A gap the shape of pushing boundaries. A comfortable velvet cloak, that void. I used to talk about the void in Mexico and Cuba...

hay un vacio en el corazon. todas tienen este vacio... y atemptamos llenarlo con cosas varias pero... pero solamente Dios puede llenarlo.

I used to say that only God could fill the void. Now, I think what fills that void is self love. Remember, I used to preach Jesus... but the word "Jesus" came out sound like "love thyself!"

Do it people. Love yourselves. Please do it. It is so very, so very important to me.



I am a lover-healer...
I am a lover-healer...

suspension of heterosexual belief

In light of Sinclair's recent post about the suspension of heterosexual belief, let me tell you about kissing a boy last night.

For me, you see, boys are a great idea in theory but in practice it simply doesn't work. I'm not into their general boorishness, their clumsiness, and apathy toward women's situation, their overall grossness. But Robbie is different. First and foremost he is the husband of my darling Jenny - that alone should be enough for me to think highly of him. Secondly, he is committed to feminist causes, and very supportive and sympathetic to queer politics and theory. A man after my own heart, you see? Add to that, practised, gentle kink and a tastefully open relationship with Jenny. What could be better? I always say, you don't have to be gay to be queer. I'll add to that - you don't have to limit yourself to be gay.

Anatomy aside, Robbie is very keenly the type of boy that I would want if I were into boys. Maybe I am. Or maybe I am only into boys like him. You see, I like masculinity. I love the sort of female masculinity that butch women present and live out. But I can appreciate gentle, sweet boyish boys too. So - is it just the masculinity part? This respectful masculinity that cherishes and protects my femininity whether it comes from a boy or a girl? it's just so very rare to find that in a boy. I dunno what I'm trying to say.

Kissing Robbie in the pool was real-life suspension of heterosexual belief - he's a boy, sure. Masculine, defnitely! But not at all offensive, not at all scary or weird or awkward. I very much liked it.

gasp! i've tarnished my gold star! whatever shall i do?

more of the same, of course.

First, Second

At this very moment, I am totally, utterly, absolutely jealous of everyone who got to go to the Femme Conference. Reading everything you all wrote, I was asking myself why on earth I wasn't there. I should have been. But I think I can only really afford two big outta state trips per year. I capped out by June. Went to see mum in March and went to NYC in June. (which, by the way, was fantastic - sorry I haven't written much about it.) Another one might have been overkill, especially considering my current debt-elimination streak.

I have two notes to discuss today, as well

First, if you link to me, please tell me. I don't have my site counter up, something went funny with the code so I can't see where people are clicking from. Also, it's rude of me not to link you back! So, please either e-mail me (missavarice@gmail.com) or comment to let me know.

Secondly, I'm looking for some writing prompts so I think it's question and answer time! I've been wanting to start writing "how-to's" and advice about the implements of femme presentation. For example, I've been thinking over a piece on how to wear a skirt in the summertime without getting chafed between your legs. My answer? thigh high stockings. little shorties underneath. powdering your inner thighs? My point is, chafing is a bitch and I live in a rather warm, tropical climate. The humidity is insane! So. Point being, give me a topic, I'll do a little bit of research, and come back to you all with the results.

after tapas

I told her in the car on the way home from the tapas restaurant what I wanted. "When we get home, I want you to put on your cock and put your pants back on." She was easy to persuade. "I'm going to leave my dress on, if that's okay." Of course it was.

She started me off sitting on the edge of the bed. Kissed me, tenderly she became reconnected with my body. Soon I found myself lying back, with my panties being yanked down, greedily, over and off my ankles. She sank into my cunt with her lips, rocking me steadily upwards. With her pants unzipped, unbuckled, I was keenly aware of her swelling desire.

One at a time, she brought her fingers into my pussy - one to unlock the door and two to swing it wide open. Warm, warm fingers. I lifted my legs up over her shoulders to adjust the angle and begged - "Oh sweetie, you fuck me so good, oh yes, oh please!" Then, once she pulled her fingers out, her cock was ready to jump into action. Still, with my legs on her shoulders, or over her elbows, she guided her cock into me slowly - slowly - ahhh. She knows the angle, she knows the rhythm immediately. There, at the edge of the bed she fucked me for a long while, bringing me back to the edges of myself.

We paused and repositioned onto the bed, for the safety of my back. Oh how she loves the vision of her cock inside me. It's warm and soft and I love the full, feeling it gives me. I love it all. Her pants were still on at this point, but not my dress, it came off as we switched to the flat of the bed. Ahh. With her cock inside me, I brought my hands down to my pussy and she and I together sent me up like a shooting star. Crying out to her, that long sigh - "oooh baby!" That cry is full of crave and desire. She cooed and caressed me back into myself, unbuckled my shoes and took them off. As we lay in the bed afterward, letting me come back to reality, I said, "So, what can I do for you?" She knew I was tired and didn't want to put me out, but she deserved something in return after all that!

I rolled over on top of her and did what I could to return such a gracious favor.

reconnecting

I would tell you how she eased her cock so gently into my cunt. If I wanted to, I would describe the weight of her hips rocking closer to me. I could give an account of the sweet way she worked her cock for exactly the third time ever.

But what I really want to tell you about is what happened afterward. Reclining on her back, she was resting from all her hard work, I flung my hair out of the way (it has grown quite long) and brought my hand down to where the leather straps were so tightly fastened around her waist, glutes, legs. I brushed my fingers over her labia, feeling how wet the show of my orgasm had made her, and finally pressed my fingers into her cunt. From there, my lips quickly found her cock, and I graced the two - cunt and cock - at the same time. Immediately, the obvious moan of her pleasure rose from her body. I love the way she takes to my fingers, or my mouth, or whatever the instrument of choice, allowing her body to be soothed by my affections.

We have a question for all of you - blog readers and writers. Some butches and transmen say that they can "feel" their cock when they ar wearing it. That the touch gives a certain sensation even though it's not physically attached. Is this cultivated? Does it have to do with the degree to which one identifies with a masculine persona? Is there a spectrum of how trans or not trans a butch can be, and if you lean to the trans side of things then it gives you pleasure to have girls touching your cock and if you're on the genuine butch woman side, then not so much? How does this all work? Having an answer to that question would be so very helpful. Sin? Dylan? anyone? What's this all about?

deflowering

May I introduce to you, Tex.

I got home from the airport two hours after she was supposed to go to work. In those two hours, we figured out how to put it in the harness, how to tighten the straps, how to position ourselves. Gently, sweetly, I am wondering why on earth we didn't try this before. I'm hooked. It's going to take some getting used to. I can't handle it on a regular basis, but damn. Two words: butch cock. And she finally has something physical to locate it. I'm totally freakin pleased, and I imagine I will be for a long time. Damn good lovin' right here.

phew!

queer culture films available on netflix

I couldn't find my previous post about the documentary "The Aggressives" but I wanted to let everybody know that I signed up for Netflix the other day (in leu of getting cable television) and I saw that they have many very important films on queer history and culture. The films may be rather difficult to obtain, or view and this is a chance to watch them without money or scarcity standing in the way.

The Aggressives: Director Daniel Peddle spent five years recording the lives of six "aggressives" -- lesbians who strive to be as masculine as possible in lifestyle and appearance. The result is a portrait both enlightening and endearing as we watch each woman come up with her own inventive ways of expressing her identity. From prison to the underground ball scene, where lesbians compete for lead "AG" status, this film reveals a largely hidden subculture.

The Celluloid Closet: Narrated by Lily Tomlin, this acclaimed documentary takes its name from Vito Russo's groundbreaking book. The filmmakers examine the subtext of more than 100 Hollywood movies -- including Spartacus, Rope and Thelma and Louise -- and chart the cinematic journey of lesbian and gay characters. Film clips are paired with director, producer and actor interviews featuring, among others, Gore Vidal, Tom Hanks and Whoopi Goldberg.

Before Stonewall: Life was very different before the 1969 Stonewall riots put the issue of gay rights front and center in America. Using archival films and interviews with gays and lesbians who were forced to hide their sexuality for fear of reprisals, this documentary by Robert Rosenberg, Greta Schiller and John Scagliotti sheds light on American gay life from the 1920s to the 1960s and the sociopolitical climate that finally led to profound change.

After Stonewall: Melissa Etheridge narrates this documentary that explores the progress and challenges of the post-Stonewall lesbian/gay rights movement through archival footage and interviews with leaders such as Barbara Gittings, Armistead Maupin, Jewelle Gomez and Dorothy Allison. The film chronicles key events from 1970 to the end of the 20th century, including sexual liberation, conflicts with the feminist movement, AIDS and political organization.

If you have a credit card, you can get a two week free trial wherein you can watch all of these videos online without having to deal with sending dvd's back in the mail.

Female to Femme!

Altcinema presents

QUEER(Y)ING FEMME

Film screening - FtF: Female to Femme, with short film The Insomniacs
Lecture - "A Brief History of Femme" by FtF co-director, Kami Chisholm, Ph.D.
A benefit for Altcinema Productions

Saturday May 24, 2008
7:30 - 9:30 p.m.
Tickets: $12 advance, $15 -$100 at the door
San Francisco LGBT Community Center
1800 Market Street, San Francisco

Come out and support queer cinema!

Purchase tickets online at http://www.altcinema.com/store/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=51.

For more information or to volunteer, please contact info@altcinema.com or 415.863.2183.


About FtF: Female to Femme (directed by Kami Chisholm and Elizabeth Stark, Frameline Distribution, 48 min., 2006):

Imagine a world in which the journey toward femme was understood to be as radical as journeys to claim and inhabit other queer bodies. Envisioning more than it documents, FtF: FEMALE TO FEMME celebrates dyke femme identities, combining farce and seduction with analysis and personal history. For years, femmes have forged community and created space for themselves out of edgy performance and authentic parody. FtF recognizes these strategies and builds them into an unforgettable sexy, funny and moving film. FtF features a host of fabulous femmes, including actress/writer Guinivere Turner, novelist/activist Jewelle Gomez, poet Meliza Bañales, rock stars Leslie Mah (Tribe8) and Bitch (Bitch & Animal), professors, activists, artists and dancers. The filmmakers ask these thinkers and performers to use the language of gender transition to talk about femme identity, opening up new possibilities for understanding femininity while reinforcing connections among gender warriors around the
world. A wildly original extravaganza, FtF: FEMALE TO FEMME presents a saucy, indelible portrait of a people and a politics central to the gender revolution.

Plus, the new butch-femme romantic comedy, THE INSOMNIACS (directed by Kami Chisholm, 11 min., 2008):

Bell has insomnia. So one restless night, she decides to go to the local Insomniac's Anonymous 3 a.m. meeting, and there she meets Helena, the girl of her waking dreams.

About Dr. Kami Chisholm:

Kami Chisholm, founder of Altcinema, holds a Ph.D. in History of Consciousness from UC Santa Cruz and is a graduate of Loyola Marymount University's Film Production department. FtF: FEMALE TO FEMME, Chisholm's first (co-directed) feature documentary, premiered in June 2006 at Frameline30: The San Francisco International LGBT Festival. In 2007, Chisholm produced and co-edited the festival hit GODSPEED, a short about a trans bike messenger directed by Lynn Breedlove and Jen Gilomen. Chisholm is also the director of over 10 short films, including the recently completed romantic comedy, THE INSOMNIACS. Currently, Chisholm teaches feminist/queer/race theory, sexuality studies, and visual culture at California College of the Arts.

Purchase tickets online for QUEER(Y)ING FEMME at
http://www.altcinema.com/store/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=51

Guest Post: Dana

Because I'm vain, and because she likes me.

I love her femininity and the way she wears it well. I love her curves and her breasts and her butt and the way the clothes she wears accentuates all her features. When I come home and find a pair of black heels settled in the nook under my nightstand, I get a chill down my spine because I'm thinking of how her calves look when she wears them.
Her lips are pursed and her smirk is smug when I tell her she's beautiful. I could kiss the spot beside her neck.. the spot below her hips.. the spot.. everywhere. Everywhere there is a spot that I could kiss because she is the epitome of sexy. I cannot cannot cannot get enough of her. and the sex is not just sex. It is amazing, it is beautiful and hot and I'm always wanting more. But it is not sex. It is something else. Something far more gratifying than I have ever experienced. And it doesn't feel new. It feels like my favorite pair of jeans that I can never seem to part with. And that's the best part. Because it's like my favorite dish. It's like something I've been eating for years and always order when I go out to eat. And it's always just as satisfying and delicious and it never gets old and it never gets boring and I cannot cannot cannot believe how undeniably lucky I am to have found her.

and I think that what makes us so right for each other... is the way we are honest and natural and real. And harmonious. And on the same wavelength. And I've not felt like this.. this pure liking loveness that I feel. This intense and simple adoration makes me full and I cannot begin to describe how much I feel or how powerful I feel -- caring about her makes me feel whole and well and satisfied. Like that feeling you get when you can't wipe that silly grin off your face. Even when you're pmsing or she's grumpy or sick or moving or I'm overwhelmed or out of bread or absolutely dog-dead-tired -- I still feel enamoured of her. I still feel impressed and amazed and... astounded... and I'm tired of adjectives but it simply must be said that I am happy.

she's got it

Four times. Four freaking times.
While kneeling over her face and
begging for mercy, it rushed her
mouth. a warm wet rush of liquid
Each time she gasped for air and
said, "hmm ooh you did it again"
I couldn't feel it, but it sure
made me happy to please a giver

We had a talk about how I leaned
over the bed in a short skirt, a
naughty thong exposed under the
corduroy fabric and she was ...
inclined to press herself against
me, and she wanted to take me.
Taking. It was in that taking that
I knew. This girl has serious

butch cock.

that phenomenon of real or imagined,
wanted, or despised, but nevertheless
existent, it's an energy of the pelvis
that knows where and how and what
to take and to hold and to encompass.
I am totally pleased to be called

someone's
some girl's
girlfriend.



yup.

vacationing in the smokies

I guess I should also give a personal post. I have been in North Carolina visiting mum. The drive up with my brother, Mel, was uneventful. It was long, we stopped a lot, and we drove overnight. Somehow by the time it was my turn to drive I had been awake for 24 hours, so he took over after about an hour and I slept some more. We found mom in pretty good shape. I made a big pot of soup yesterday and I was supposed to cook again today, but instead, I went shopping and escaped the monotony of being couped up in the house with family. Went to the yarn shoppe and the fudge shoppe, the general store is next. I wanted to grab some local pottery, but the pottery store was closed. Winter hours are significantly reduced as the tourism in the area dies down a lot. I got about a week's worth of homework done, however I'm going to have to scrap the rest, since it's only 5 percent of my overall grade. My class participation and my paper are significantly more important. The rough draft for my paper (for which I have not even drafted a final thesis) is due on Tuesday.

I don't know how I'm going to get any homework done when I have two possible dates this weekend. One is with a person named Trey. I can't decide from our emails whether Trey is butch or trans, so I've resolved to find out at our visit to the coffee shop saturday night. I reposted my CL ad describing a kinky femme bottom and Trey's response was the third one. The first two were kinda tomboyish, but more toward the centre of the butch/femme scale. I passed up their offers because I felt like I might be a bit more aggressive than they would be - with me, that does not fly. I'm a live wire and I need someone who can match my wit and my attitude. Trey actually just graduated with an independent studies degree from my university last semester... In our e-mail conversations, I allowed try to request of me any desired attire, and I have 3 homework assignments, which I'll be sure to answer during my trip to the internet cafe tomorrow:

On Saturday, be prepared to explain to me the following:
1) why, do you believe, you have chosen to be submissive?
2) do your submissive desires conflict with your feminist views and values?
3) what do you expect of a dominant?

I met another stinkin' pot smoker too. She seems kinda nice. Dana. But I still don't think we're going to get a long. She works in a sandwich shop and is almost through with school. She's a cancer, which is my no-no sign, once again. (Speaking of canceres, Sandi, the trucker, finally got a real live girlfriend! Saved by an unfortunate, unsuspecting femme!) We'll probably end up friends more than anything...

Well. The drive home on Thursday is going to be interesting. I work 10 hours on Friday and then it's time to hit the books. And possible a masculine top. Hmmhm.

Miss Avarice, considering the recent events in her life, could really stand to be truly, utterly topped. Honest to goodness, I'm ready to pillow queen for a stone top. Practice my bottoming skills and not have to worry about whether I'm a good top or not. I'll be glad to feel irresistible again. Like a hot piece of ass.

Which I am, rest assured.

A Matter of Intent

This piece has been featured in 55th Carnival of Feminists and in Sugasm #121

I wrote this paper last semester for my Classic in Feminist Theory seminar. I had been immersed in gender theory the entire semester after discovering some very important sources on lesbian gender, and I want to make this available to you all. There has been a lot of talk lately about wether or not passing is a privilege. I basically stand with Sinclair, that if we start blaming each other and fighting over who's more oppressed or endangered, we are taking our energy away from the important work of making a space for ourselves in society. Butches should not have to feel guilty for any masculine privilege and femmes should not have to be blamed for the flack that masculine women endure for their visible queerness. It's not our fault - it's the fault of homophobic people who hold their prejudice against us. Please don't steal my work - my name isn't in it because this is anonymous, but I feel like it's important enough to share.

Femme: A Matter of Intent

I never grew up as much of a “girly” girl. While I sometimes reveled in skirts and Easter dresses that my mother sewed especially for me, I still wore them to run and play in the dirt, and to climb trees, play on jungle gyms, and swing from monkey bars. Rarely, at least in my very young years, did I notice whether my activities were meant for a boy or a girl, but rather, I enjoyed life for what it was. When I finally started giving myself a gender without the help of my parents, my femininity was noticeably imperfect. I always smudged my makeup by accident, I never matched my clothes very well, my hair was frizzy and I never took the time to make it smooth. I failed at femininity, and there was no one to impress, so I gave up and did “my own thing” throughout high school and until my first few years of college. In the past year, though, I have been rewriting my femininity in the context of a newfound queer community. I’ve known since my first year in high school that I am romantically interested in other women, but it has taken me the last decade to fully integrate myself into queer culture. This queer culture now allows me to define myself in terms of femininity again without feeling shame – my femininity was for the appreciation of other women and not for men, so I had nothing to fear. This time, being feminine meant having the freedom to embrace my gender without being mistaken for something else – for a weak, passive, quiet woman, which I am not. My gender is “Femme.” This title provides me with a way to participate in the current (ancient, endless) job of redefining femininity by queer standards that make a woman strong, daring and loud. That, I can live with!

Description
Historically, three main stereotypes of lesbian gender have prevailed – the archetypal genders, “femme”, “butch” and “androgynous”, and like any archetype would, “all three of these bring images and ideas into lesbians’ minds that are collectively held visions” (Loulan 20). While lesbian feminism sought to terminate the butch/femme dichotomy because of it’s apparent mimicry of heterosexuality, preferring the safety of androgyny, the movement’s effects on butch and femme themselves as valuable signifiers was limited:

Today lesbians . . . still rate themselves on a butch/femme scale. Lesbians still unconsciously know the difference between a soft butch and a stone butch, a femme-of-center and an aggressive femme – even if they don’t admit it . . . Butch and femme are unique archetypes of our subculture. (Loulan 25)

So, with the rejection of butch and femme in the 1970s, androgyny, a sort of “none of the above” category has become the safest space for lesbians within their own community, yet women continue to describe themselves on the butch-femme chart they call “old-culture” (Loulan 27).

The Butch Femme Continuum appears as follows:

Butch <------------------->Androgynous<------------------->Femme

The femme gender is physically and behaviorally similar to the heterosexual female gender, but femmes themselves see the “femme identity as distinct from and critical of naturalized notions of femininity” (Rose and Camilleri 14) because of differences in politics, attitude, and relational styles. In a collection of writings about femmes, Brazen Femme: Queering Femininity, Chloë Brushwood Rose and Anna Camilleri have attempted to define femme saying that “Femme is inherently ‘queer’” (12) and that furthermore,

Femme might be described as “femininity gone wrong” – bitch, slut, nag, whore, cougar, dyke, or brazen hussy. Femme is the trappings of femininity gone awry, gone to town, gone to the dogs. Femininity is a demand placed on female bodies and femme is the danger of a body read female or inappropriately feminine. We are not all good girls – perhaps we are not girls at all . . . Many femmes are lesbians, but femmes are also drag queens, straight sex workers, nelly fags, all strong women (emphasis mine) and sassy men. (13)

Most femme lesbians can even pass for heterosexual women, but do they want to pass? Maybe some do. Telling the two apart – femme lesbians and heterosexual women – proves to be essentially impossible if the analysis is based solely on appearances, so whoever wants to know has to dig a little bit deeper. While feminine lesbians who pass for “straight” may avoid some of the stigma of sexual deviance, they are alienated from the queer communities who feel that their passing status takes for granted the hardships that non-passing lesbians face. Rather, “Femmes who pass against their will hate how they are treated – as unattached heterosexual women” (Loulan 91). A femme by herself is seen as merely a failed heterosexual – she was a “dud” in the way that Freud imagined women on the whole as being “failed” or “incomplete” men. As a femme, I have envied butches and androgynous women for their “visibility” because, at least to me, being visibly queer means not having to deal with as many unwanted advances, not having to “come out” all the time because people misjudge my sexual orientation, and it also means having queer legitimacy because while femmes are radical within their intimate relationships, “femininity . . . cannot be seen as resistant in any capacity” (Maltry and Tucker 94). Rather than being able to pass, some femmes, myself included, might say they actually suffer to pass – queer consciousness underscores the femme existence for femmes’ apparent failure to subvert the heteronormative paradigm. They figuratively lose their “dyke card” even though they choose intimate relationships with other women! Femmes subvert the heterosexual paradigm simply by choosing femininity instead of accepting it as nature’s design.

The butch gender is a masculinity tailored to fit the female bodied, but it is also distinctly unlike that masculinity which biological men may exhibit. The degree of masculinity varies from person to person and throughout time and across cultures, so some women who exist in the periphery of butch identity have struggled at times to be accepted into the informal butch fraternity, depending on which characteristics they adopt and how strongly. Some butch women can pass for men, but by identifying as butch, they recognize their femaleness and so deconstruct any claim by heterosexuals that they are all women who wish to be men. Some butches can also “pass” for women if the necessity should ever arise, but they clearly disdain for such passing when it comes up in conversation. Carol Queen writes endearingly of butch women:

Strong. I mean physically strong. Sexual, with a look in the eye that caresses and undresses. Attitude that comes from never fitting in, maybe from never even having tried. Butch. . . . What is butch? Rebellion against women’s lot, against gender-role imperatives that pit boyness against girlness and then assign you-know-who the short straw. Butch is a giant fuck YOU! To compulsory femininity, just as lesbianism says to compulsory heterosexuality. (15)

Butches are gender transgressors by personal necessity and since the personal is political, the public sees this as an outright political statement. Not so with femmes. But to me, while femme may signify femininity gone wrong, butch exhibits masculinity done right. Not all queer genders are a purposeful subversion, an undermining of traditional and heterosexual gender roles. Rather, it is a matter of individual intent.

While many lesbians may still define themselves by these titles, I have noticed younger dykes have increasingly refused these three labels and the genders that accompany them. Instead, they identify themselves as something other, something outside the butch-femme continuum. They seem to reject gender specifics altogether, but I wonder if we all call ourselves “miscellaneous” how we will know how to interact with one another? Centuries of debate lead us to the belief that gender is not innate, but is rather the set learned characteristics that guide men’s and women’s behavior. The Western mindset has separated the genders into masculine and feminine, but I think the concept of gender is broader than that. I do think it is true, children are socialized to distinguish between genders, and to express a sex-appropriate gender, but I also recognize that I have always been femme in the way that my butch friends have always been butch, regardless of any gendered upbringing. When some of my butch friends were little girls, they squeezed and contorted their boyishness because they were punished for it. They tried to hide it underneath a feminine façade. In that very same way, I also tried to compress and disfigure my girlishness because it attracted unwanted attention. I deemphasized my womanly shape when I grew it, and tried to play tough. Finally, somewhere in our teens or twenties, we realized our true genders and have discovered the bravery to act them out publicly. So, perhaps there is a part of gender that is innate, but we must not mistakenly think that any one gender is “meant” for any particular sex. Yet, it is necessary to define gender in order to determine its origins. Gender is more than just the clothes we wear, but how we wear them, how we feel in them. Gender has to do with manners and mannerisms. Gender is a set of rules by which we regulate behaviors, it is simply another category by which we organize our world into something manageable. I think that gender is also a way of thinking about and interacting with society at large. Our genders give us and others a framework by which to understand each other better.

Analysis
While the femme gender has liberated me from any obligation to meet heteronormative standards of femininity, it has also presented me with a number of problems to work through because invariably, I do meet some of the standards. Just last month I went to a bar by myself (which I do frequently) to meet up with someone I had met a few nights before. Immediately upon arrival, a man commented on my appearance. I was dressed conservatively, wearing business slacks, a pink shirt and a sweater – yet to my disappointment, he conjured up the courage to tell me that I am very attractive. Later, as I sat alone, he joined me again and attempted to make small talk, perhaps hoping to make some kind of connection. I had to tell him outright that I am not interested in men whatsoever, and he was taken surprise! He said, “But you are so beautiful, how can you be like that?” What this gentleman wondered was how I could choose to be a lesbian if I can clearly take my pick of whatever male I want. The idea itself goes back to lesbian pulp fiction of the 1950s where the femme still lacks for sexual agency,

“The feminine invert is either threatened or manipulated into the same-sex sexual dynamic by the masculine invert. She does not then choose her sexual expression, but is coerced into it. Another perception was that the feminine invert expressed inversion because she had been rejected by men and had no other option.” (Maltry and Tucker 89)

The established gender stereotypes for lesbians define all lesbians as being outwardly masculine, such that all masculine women are considered queer, whether or not they are actually gay – and some masculine women are not! To say that all lesbian women are at least a little bit masculine is to completely erase the legitimacy of feminine lesbians. Femmes live in a state of continual “coming out” because their appearance does not fit the stereotype. Even when they do verbally “out” themselves to others, few may believe it, and thus neither queers nor heterosexuals afford femmes a queer legitimacy. In fact, say Maltry and Tucker, “It is precisely the lesbian feminist demonization that permitted the butch to emerge relatively unscathed but that obliterated the femme” (94). So, since lesbians are not allowed to be femmes, they face a compulsory heterosexuality that strips the femme “not only of her identity, but of any understanding of her identity as subversive” (94).

Lesbianism in society shifts the power imbalance away from men and into the hands of women who share their resources, and the comforts of their sex, with other women. With this in mind, if the patriarchal system can make as many lesbians as possible look invisible, then they can believe for a little while longer that men still have an all-access pass to female sexuality. Perhaps, to the mindset of the heterosexual male, if she walks like a straight girl and talks like a straight girl, then she’s fair game – if she’s a dyke, that is ok, he (thinks he) can change her mind. We have discussed in class that most lesbian pornography is geared toward a straight male audience, so men are receiving this message and not thinking critically about it. Logically, it follows that if some girls will kiss other girls for the camera so that he can enjoy it, then any girl who is feminine like them must not really be gay, she’s just showing off, or she just “hasn’t found the right man, yet.” Mainstream heterosexual consciousness cannot conceive of butches and androgynous females as being women because they do not match the gender role established for “woman”, but femmes do match the gender role. By apparently “conforming” (although I dare say a scarce few femme women consider themselves conformists!) to femininity, femmes fall under the category of “woman,” and (at least loosely) fit the beauty standards prescribed by the patriarchy. Thus, as true women, they are for men. But femmes are the epitome of what you see is (not) what you get – they are the very definition of “too good to be true” for heterosexual males because femme is sexy, womanly, and kisses other girls – what more could he want? But it’s a dirty trick he plays on himself. The fact that a femme kisses other girls means that she is not sexually available to him. To him, this is a cruel sabotage.

Vision
The gentleman I met at the bar last month had to ask me how long I have been a lesbian and why I decided to “change” before he could be convinced that I truly was not interested in him! Imagine if I had not had such an effective alibi – imagine if I had been a straight woman. What would I have said? I want to live in a world where femmes and other feminine people can say “no” and not have to repeat or explain themselves to heterosexual men, regardless of their own sexual orientation. I want to be taken at my word; no means no, not yes. We must have an effective way to ward off unwanted sexual comments and advances from people we are not interested in. Females must be allowed to choose their gender and present it accordingly without facing discrimination or erasure of their significance as part of queer society. Perhaps it is too daunting a task to stop everyone from making any assumptions about anyone whatsoever, since we use appearance to label everything – we judge race, class, ability, and compatibility with ourselves based on outward signifiers. I don’t think the system of assumption is intrinsically wrong, but it is misused and its purposes are misunderstood. I hope that in the future we will find some way to acknowledge the existence of stereotypes but not focus ourselves so very intently upon them that we are blind to any variation. What fortune have I, that my femme gender mocks the gender assigned to my sex, but not everyone has that luck! I want gender to be a safe space for people, I want it to be a way that we can call ourselves the same and different without fear.

I almost wish I could actually have that proverbial “dyke card” which I could flash if I ever need to become visible at a moment’s notice. If any polite but determined gentleman should approach me again, I will be able to put a stop to his insistent, “But why? What does she have that I don’t have?” simply by showing my smiling face on a shiny laminate card labeled “Dyke // Class: Femme // Name: None of Your Business.” But it is not that simple. After thinking over and over about how femme women might become outwardly visible, I have come to the conclusion that it is simply not possible with the current state of Western society. We will have to redefine the meaning of femininity and write queer femme into the script.

Strategy
Radical feminist thought has the best chance of actually working out a solution to this problem compared with other feminist traditions because it requires a total rethinking of what it means to be woman and what queer looks like on the body of a female. I am compelled to bulldoze the entire structure and start new from scratch but that is a task that requires the cooperation of a multitude of people. It requires that the infrastructure of gender roles and stereotypes be utterly demolished and replaced by some other relational system. For the time being, I will suggest some minor renovations that are more easily accomplished, and may be considered stepping stones toward a free future. I do not wish to do away with gender “roles” entirely because I value the “naming” of things, I have found freedom in my title, but we must have the freedom to choose between roles.

Firstly, I want to encourage the people who revel in contradictions to continue to do this revolutionary work, and not to limit themselves to likeminded communities – go out and become a missionary to the masses and show them that some dykes are girly, and many gay men are masculine, and that transgender and genderqueer people exist! That is an extravagant dream, and I wonder how many brave souls there are who will actually pursue it despite the prejudice and discrimination that persists. Femmes themselves will be the most important catalysts in changing the “female = feminine = straight” thought process by putting on their big girl underwear and going out, loud and proud, in the world. Femme has to start speaking up for herself and writing herself back into the history of the women’s movement and into the story of lesbian history, where whoever’s in charge has made her existence insignificant.

Secondly, the educational system will require a complete overhaul, at least where gender socialization is concerned. Children need to learn that gender diversity exists and that there are (or there should be) very real consequences to discriminatory practice based on gender identity, or on anything else for that matter! We must re-educate teachers about child gender socialization so that they will know how to reinforce and encourage children’s individual gender expression, whatever it may look like. This goes for gender, but, as always, the situation is even more complicated by the race and class. Where discrimination exists based upon one thing, it has the potential to exist on the basis of anything else.

Promoting the visibility of femmes also requires that we establish a body of writing that validates femininity in the queer existence. I think it is reasonable to believe that writers started all previous revolutions by writing honestly about their thoughts, feelings and experiences. Perhaps these papers were passed around in secret and everyone added his or her ideas to the back of the book until it was full. And when everyone had read it, finally everyone agreed and a unified movement began. This revolution starts with Brazen Femme: Queering Femininity, and with the fearless individuals who make it a habit of saying “no” and meaning it. In the end, femmes and other feminine people would never have to say no more than once in order to be heard. The revolution would result in femme queers getting their voices back from a life of having proverbial laryngitis. Femme would be a legitimate, subversive, recognizable queer existence that does not trivialize the struggle gender non-conformant people endure.

References:
Brushwood Rose, Chloë and Camilleri, Anna. “Introduction, A Brazen Posture.” Brazen Femme: Queering Femininity. Ed. Chloë Brushwood Rose and Anna Camilleri. Vancouver: Arsenal Pulp Press, 2002. 11-14.

Loulan, Jo Ann. The Lesbian Erotic Dance. San Francisco: Spinsters Book Company, 1990.

Maltry, Melanie and Tucker, Kristin. “Female Fem(me)ininities: New Articulations in Queer Gender Identities and Subversion.” Femme/Butch: New Considerations on the Way We Want to Go. Ed. Michelle Gibson and Deborah T. Meem. New York: Haworth Press, 2002. 89-102.

Queen, Carol A. “Why I Love Butch Women.” Dagger: On Butch Women. Ed. Lily Burana, Roxxie and Linnea Due. Pittsburgh: Cleis Press, Inc., 1994. 15-23.

Curvaceous Kinky Femme Bottom - Interested Yet?

As you might have gathered from the title, I'm an engaging and motivated femme who's looking for a little bit of butch class to take things up a notch. You should be decidedly masculine, intelligent, and very confident in yourself. I'm looking for someone who dresses sharp and knows how to treat a lady in public and in private. I'm a curvy, kinky bottom who sometimes needs to be put back in her place - are you comfortable with that? Age isn't a big issue, but I would prefer someone younger than my mother, please! Race is a social construction, so forget that as well. Interest in music, writing, or the arts is a plus. I'm a gemini so you will probably want to be a good communicator and have a sense of humor and of adventure. Not looking for anything serious, so let's just see where the wind takes us.

No men. No u-hauls. No ex-girlfriend drama. NO femmes!

Please send a photo and a brief description of yourself. What is your favorite fruit, color or body part? Who, or what inspires you? If you could live anywhere than here, where would it be? I await your response.

Can I just say that Craigslist sucks down here. Sucks badly. All the girls are bi - and not just purely bisexual, but bi-curious which means that they'll never date women and probably have boyfriends on the side. Is it not clear from this ad that I want someone masculine? Did I not say "butch," "masculine," and "NO femmes!"? Every fricken time I post, the only answers I get are from femmes. My best luck finding butches on CL is to respond to the posts they write. Today I got a response from a femme top and from a porn company in central Florida looking for models for heterosexual scenes. Um. No.

Maybe all the butches have "ex-girlfriend drama" and that's why they don't respond?

I do have a date for next Wendesday with Erin, 30, originally from Michigan, a Pisces like my gay boy. And! I have a friendly outing (I don't think it's a date?) with Kelly for the upcoming Ani Difranco concert. It's been 5 years, almost exactly, since I saw her last. I'll be so glad to be in the presence of righteous babes once again.

mama and baba

If you all have not come across this insightful blog about butch parenting, Lesbian Dad has a post up right now about naming herself as a distinctly non-motherly parent. She posts pictures of the little ones, stories about the successes and mishaps of parenting very small children, and feminist notes on female masculinity in a family setting.

Even if you're not a parent, not planning to be a parent, or your children are grown, it's still a very interesting read - have a look!

define: over the top

How would you wear this gem of a shirt, designed by Date Dyke's very own Cuban Genius?



I know some of you guys think it's a funny term, but I think what I had in mind when I said I felt like a "butch whisperer" was that I feel like my heart sees sadness and calls out to butch hearts - "come here, my sweet! come nestle your face to my bosom and let all your tension melt away, breathe deep cleansing breaths that feed your mind and spirit. come and cry on me and let it all out - all the gender troubles, all the bad memories of immature and manipulative femme ex/girlfriends, and all the various disheartening circumstances of life!" I want to play a part in the healing process of other people.

I know I can't heal everybody, or everything. But what if I can heal a little something, and what if I can do it with sex (something that basically everyone already needs a little healing for)? I think that would be fabulous. So.

Dear the Universe:
I desire to be good at sex - not only for the carnal gratification, though. I wish to be good at using sex for healing people. I welcome the crying and the learning. Teach me to see use sex as a magnifying glass into people's hearts. Teach me to love them gently and fearlessly so that the healing will be "stick."
Love, Miss Avarice

friends don't let friends leave the house looking like crap

Actually, these are good tips for everyone. I would like to add a few:

*If you wear your hair short, have it cut frequently!
*Please, have your pants tailored, or buy the correct length!
*Brush your teeth before you go to meet a lady. (I should NOT have had to say that, but it happened to me like 2 days ago.)
*Know your correct size, and dress in it. This goes for the ladies too.

And finally,
just because you dress like a boy
doesn't mean you have to act like one.
period. end of story.

P.S. I stole this from The Butch Caucus. This blog collects YouTube videos and images of pop culture relating to butch culture and the everyday butch experience, while focusing specifically on butches (/people) of color.

dance card

my dance card has been filling. this week has been packed.

still talking to Sandy on the side, and sending dirty notes which thrills her to pieces, and thrills me even more that she likes them and doesn't try to change the subject like other girls have been doing.

while we did have a very relaxed afternoon together and a sweet moment outside as i was leaving, i have completely lost interest in Marian. you may have realized that i can be a bit of a bitch. if someone can't compete with me, intellectually, i get bored. there was an overly long rant tonight that exhausted my interest. she's also way too much like my brother - she has the same needs and engages the same sympathies that he engages in me. i already feel drained. check that one off the list!

Crave is coming to visit this weekend. we've agreed on no expectations, but she seems to be a fine fella so i'm sure i'll enjoy her company. she's in town for a bit to visit someone else, and as a perk! we get to do a "round 2" on the date we supposed to have in NYC in October. she answered one of my CL ads for an intelligent toppy butch. i'm pleased to have a second chance because so far, she's a jewel.

to top it all off, i've just planned a date for tomorrow night with Autumn who is "transitioning" from an ambiguous, undefined gender, gradually into something more and more masculine. i haven't seen the outcome of the haircut that has reportedly "done the trick", according to the referring friends.

Wow, three in one week! What's a girl to do? Let's just call it extracurricular activities towards my Women's Studies degree, shall we?