A brief update

My seasonal part time job wound up working me full time for nearly three weeks! Great for the money, but bad for writing and stuff. Sorry 'bout that. I gatta say, the after Christmas sales have been outrageous. I got a 5 foot Christmas tree for $17 so next year we will have a proper tree. This year Dana made a tree out of construction paper, beer caps, and little pompoms. It was darling, there are pictures, but it was not meant to weather the years unfortunately.

Monday afternoon we adopted a cat. His name is Jacques Cousteau. Don't blame me, Dana named him after our third favorite song, "Foux du Fa Fa". We had friends over for the last night of Hannukkah and as we sat on and politely requested noms, which we gladly provided to him. You should have heard the happy noise he made! It sounded like "yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!" Poor guy was so hungry. It took us awhile to figure out his sex, but after our friends left, I noticed his furry little balls, teehee!

I wanted to take him to the vet, and I was perfectly content to leave him outside until such time as I could take him to the vet. Dana used to be a pet bather, though, so she decided that we should take him right away. She brought him inside Monday afternoon, clipped his nails and gave him a bath. Later on we brought home a collar for him and flea treatment for all the animals. Tuesday I took him to the vet, who confirmed that he had no microchip and said, "I think he has adopted you!" And so he has.

It's hard to really name my Flight of the Conchords favorites, though. I mean. There's Business Time which has become an inside joke among all my beloved. And the first I ever heard was Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros ... totally hilarious. I'd say All the Ladies in the World is among the top five, as well... "lady many lady!" Speaking of beautiful girls, another fave is The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room... is that a compliment?? My personal all time favorite has got to be Inner City Pressure!


Mom came to visit for a couple of weeks, but it was a whirlwind trip for her because she was packing up my grandmother's house with her the whole time because she found a buyer. Owning two houses was too much for her (totally understandable, don't you think?) So she'll be getting a motorhome for my uncle's backyard for times when she is in this area, and she's going to be adding on to her mountain home. Grandma's a tough gal though, so they got everything finished! Dana got to meet my beloved dachshund, our childhood pet. A very sweet thing. And mom acknowledged to me that she knows I'm with Dana, and that I live with her and everything. She's not happy about it, but we've decided that if we keep everything on a very superficial level when it comes to Dana, that mom doesn't mind talking about her. She made the hominy casserole that I brought to Christmas dinner and everyone loved it - mom made a joke about D being able to cook better than I can and I can see that she's not going to spend her life crying over me. That's a good thing.

Grandma's giving us her kitchen table, a couch, and a chair - how awesome is that? We're getting ever so close to the end of Dana's lease and I'm a little nervous, but excited too. The homes in the area have decreased quite a bit in the last two months - I've found several 3BR homes renting for $800 monthly which is fantastic, so I'm hoping to snag one asap and get the hell outta this apartment complex, and out of apartment life... hopefully forever! Of course there are lots of costs involved and I'm not going to be working much... there's so much up in the air, it's crazy!

Sorry for the long rambling update. And the lack of sex. We've been so busy, tired, menstruating and having yeast infections from antibiotics because of swollen tonsils that we haven't had any wild and crazy sex. Except for that threesome... I've still forgotten to tell you about that! I'll save it for another night.

One final note, after grocery shopping, I made cream cheese cracker dip with pepper n onion relish, corn bread pudding, and an oatmeal pear crisp. Love it!

Goodnight darlings!

December Love

So far I have only had two replies to my offer! Don't you remember that the season of festivals is upon us! The season of giving! I have already assembled treats for all two of my recipients... wouldn't you like to be next? I'm going to start sending out my December love on 12/10... It will be my pleasure!

E-mail and we'll exchange pleasantries so you'll know I'm a real person :)

<3

Pictures to distract you!

Since I don't seem to have much of substance to say recently, due to the onslaught of feminist homework assignments (way harder than regular homework, I assure you), I give you two pictures.


Did you know she keeps my baby picture above her desk?



This is the two of us on the night that we had dinner with my late aunt's ex partner of 25 years.

Christmas Craft Time! Personalized Stockings

The cat children's Christmas stockings.

Materials:
Felt Christmas Stocking - seen above, $1 at Big Lots or dollar store (or $1.50 at Wal*Mart)Make sure the stocking is not fuzzy anywhere, you're going to be stitching it!
Embroidery Floss - Costs less than $1!! (We used green)
Embroidery Fabric - Costs $4 ish, short names can double up on one bookmark. Ours has a green border.

Embroidery Needle - Costs under $1.50
Embroidery Alphabet Pattern - Free! Number Six and seven were nice, but any will do. Just google "Cross Stitch Alphabet Pattern".
Total Cost: about $8 for the first, $5 for each additional.

Instructions:
You know, now that I got to the instructions, I realized that I'm not sure how to instruct you in the cross stitching... You basically thread the needle, start the needle from the back and make little x's, following the pattern! Dana did the stitching on the bookmarks and trimmed them down. After she finished, I fastened the strip of fabric to the stocking by stitching a border through both the bookmark and through the white felt (the part that is folded down). I think it looks great! We're going to get stockings for ourselves as well! Don't tell - I already have something to put into hers! Teeheehee!

Election Day Blues

Election Day was not a fantastic day for me, although it ended on a high note.

I woke up at 6:30 (after having lain in bed for some time, half awake) grinding my teeth with nerves. I simply could not sleep. I took the early morning hours to try out some biscuits. I substituted margarine for shortening, but they didn't turn out so great so I'll have to try them again with real shortening! I'm not a big fan of shortening though, because it's made of mostly hydrogenated oils - very bad for you! Made breakfast for Dana: bacon, eggs, grits and biscuits, which she appreciated very much.

After having called the realtor twice on Monday night, Tuesday I called him on the way to school. No response. I went to his office and he was not there, so his colleague called him. Twice, while I waited. Finally he calls back after having tried to contact him now five times, saying that the woman who was there right after us gave the deposit. Fuck.

But here's what happened Monday night, he arrived there, followed by a woman whom we took to be his wife or colleague, who was also looking around the house. As we left, the realtor said, "alright, I've got to get to another showing. goodnight" and he shooed us out the back door. Apparently that was the woman who took the house. He gave us no indication that anyone else was interested, and made it seem like he'd be glad to hear from me on Wednesday. Is that not sneaky and rude to you? It was to me, anyhow. We were disappointed that it took him five phone calls to inform us that the house was taken, after we had been up all night fretting about whether or not to take it. I do -not- make decisions on the first day, EVER. Last time I did that, I ended in the place we shall not name, where I lived before I moved in with my cousin Stefanie. Evil place.

Before I found out about the house, though, my mother called me to ask whether or not I had voted already. I told her I had voted ten days ago. I thought she was calling to tell me how proud she was that I was doing my civic duty, but instead she wanted to say, "I know you voted for Obama, and I'm disappointed because I don't think you're really looking at the big picture. You young voters are not taking some important issues into account . . . if Obama wins, things are going to be bad, really bad . . ."

I have not spoken to my mother since the election, I'm going to let her come to me first. I realize she's conservative, I realize that she was proud to have a female VP candidate, I just wish she knew that I could not let my fate rest in the hands of people who have called me and my tribe sinful. I could not let a man be president who insinuated that he would let the Iraq war go on forever. I definitely do not think that McCain/Palin would have been disastrous, although she feels apocalypse is coming because Obama won. Any person we put in that office is going to be under such great pressure because of their leadership position. Can even our dear Obama be trusted to do what is right for America? Only God knows. We entrust him now with this position of servitude, and we can pray for God to guide his steps.

On top of all that crap, Dana and I were snapping at each other, both being so nervous, and also both having our periods at the same time (which hardly ever happens, actually). And then we found out that proposed Amendment 2 was passed by 62.2% - two thirds of my state thinks I don't deserve to enter into any legal contract remotely resembling marriage with the person that I love. I don't get it. It needed 60% to be approved, and it barely surpassed that mark by 2.2%. Do I leave my beloved state, or do I stay to fight? I can't help but to feel like running away sometimes.

It was a long day, and my only worry is that gas prices will not shoot back up to 4 or 5 dollars any time soon. Lord hear our prayer!

one in a million.

I miss my mother. She lost her job a few weeks ago due to her department being integrated into another larger department at the hospital. She was fired unjustly because whoever was in charge neglected to properly equip her department for the job they were being asked to do. Basically, one of the computer programs that is necessary for her job required a password. They were never allowed to have the password so when they had to use this particular program, they had to walk across the parking lot to an entirely different building to use a computer there, and then walk back to their own office to complete the task. They said she was not fast enough a the job.

Another name on my hit list, seriously. Because you don't mess with mama. These idiots don't realize that every last one of my mother's previous employers have begged her to stay. They would fire whoever replaced her just so they could have her back. You don't fire my mother for what you deem "poor performance" when you have not provided her with such a simple thing as a password to the software that is required for her job.

I guess she's appealing the wording of the termination letter. Honestly. For a woman of her age, getting fired makes it doubly hard to find a job that pays the bills, couldn't they have simply called it a lay-off? I swear, my mother left Florida because of the hustle and bustle and all the rude drivers and nasty waitstaff, but I've never heard of such utter disrespect, and absolute bullshit business practices! I told her to bring her situation to the attention of some kind of city or county representative in case something could be done.

You don't fucking fire my mother.

Sent her lavender roses with purple alstromeria today to cheer her.

as butch as a hunk of machinery!

I just finished watching "Before Stonewall" on netflix (you can watch it streaming online if you have a subscription at any level) and I do believe that I met myself in 50 years. "Lisa Ben" or Edith Eyde. My hero. She sings with a spanish guitar, and parodied this song

The Girl That I Marry
The girl that I marry will have to be
as soft and as pink as a nursery.
The girl that I call my own
will wear satins and laces and smell of cologne.
Her nails will be polished and in her hair
she'll wear a gardenia and I'll be there
'Stead of flittin' I'll be sittin' next to her
and she'll purr like a kitten.
A doll I can carry the girl that I marry must be.

But instead -- and I must tell you that I stopped the movie and went back so I could write it down -- she sang:

The Girl That I Marry
The girl that I marry will probably be
as butch as a hunk of machinery.
The girl I idolize ... will wear slacks with flat fronts*,
tailored shirts and bow ties
She'll walk with a swagger and wear short hair
And keep me entranced with her tomboy air
Instead of cruisin I'll be using
Her shoulder to lean on while snoozin
A faint hearted fairy, the girl I marry won't be!

clearly, an ode to butches. do you see how she's my hero? dana watched her singing so sweetly and said, "honey it's you!" we had a good laugh about it.

*flat fronts? I'm not sure about that, I had some trouble discernign that line.

Apparently I'm also channeling bell hooks because as I was introducing myself to my class (Literature by Women of Color in the Diaspora), my professor - the distinguished Dr. Gary Lemons, author of "Black. Male. Outsider" - said that as he was watching me speak, watching this white woman speak, he felt as though he was listening to bell hooks. She was actually his dissertation adviser as a Ph.D. student at (i think) NYU.

[edit] Originally I had written that it was ms Audre Lorde, but HussyRed is right in the comments, I had forgotten she passed away when I was just a wee lass. bell hooks will be visiting, though, and I'll be interested to see the comparison.

guess what!

I ______________________________, certify that I, and ______________________________ became domestic partners on ______________, and we:

1. have an intimate, committed relationship of mutual caring, and
2. currently share the same regular and permanent residence, and
3. are jointly responsible for "basic living expenses, as defined below, and
4. are not legally married, and
5. are each eighteen (18) years of age or older, and
6. are not related by blood closer than would bar marriage in the state of residence, and
7. were mentally competent to consent to contract when our domestic partnership began, and
8. are each other's sole domestic partner and are responsible for each other's common welfare and intend to remain so indefinitely.

"Basic living expenses" means the cost of basic food, shelter and any other expenses of a Domestic Partner which are paid at least in part by a program or benefit for which the partner qualified because of the Domestic Partnership. The individuals need not contribute equally or jointly to the cost of these expenses as long as they agree that both are responsible for the cost.




ya know, honestly i think that this is the only type of union that is appropriate for me. or for anyone else, but i'll make the rest of y'all make that decision. the only stipulation that it makes is that i can't have another domestic partnership until six months after the last one ended. that's reasonable. that's a measure of personal responsibility. if you're hopping from partner to partner, getting benefits for all, you're causing beaurocratic paperwork (wastin' trees!) and kinda cheating the system and cheating yourself. anyway. i think it's pretty legit now, folks. we do share bills, groceries, living space and mutual caring - if i meet all the requirements, why not do it? oh, one final note:

indefinite: without limit; forever, or until further notice; not definite; vague or unclear; undecided or uncertain.

invasion of privacy, to start with

My brother got robbed last night while he was out, he woke me at 6 a.m. to tell me so. I am now trying to figure out if there is indeed any way that I can help him. I am already maxed out financially with the last 2 months of Stefanie and the baby so I won't be able to contribute much of anything at all except occasional shelter and some food. I feel like a bad sister, but the Tea business is not exactly what I'd call employment and he's been an entrepreneur of sorts for the longest time that it will be hard to transition back to gainful employment wherein one reports to some authority.

His other alternative is living with my aunt who verbally abuses him, manipulates him with her access to our trust fund, telling him that he is worthless.

How did he get the short end of the stick? All I can think is that no one believed in him as a kid. I did. I always did. But people didn't stick up for him. It was my father's family who did not stick up for him. They called my mother a bad mom saying that she was too easy on him. Well you know what? When everyone else is trying to abandon you, you are lucky if at least your mom still loves you.

But I'm not made of money, or time, or enough compassion to foster the wellbeing of so many people. I do not really even have the resources to get myself out of credit card debt right now and that is my main priority.




Dear God, I either need grace to be "not enough" or the resources to become "enough".

She can't help it, she's an alcoholic!

Ok, you've got me, I've been very naughty to have avoided the blog for what? It has been over a week now and I have only posted once in May. Forgive me. I have been helping Dana work through a lot of issues. She has had a disappointing job search so far, with few leads and she is terribly frustrated in her current position at work. I'm also trying to figure out things with Stefanie. She has secured a full time, work-from-home job as a power point expert and web designer. The company is thoroughly pleased with her work, and put her on their company cell phone plan and cut her a paycheck in advance right away. WOo! That solves some of our money problems. Basically it means we are paying back her car payments and at some point we will pay back her overdrawn bank account. Things are righting themselves. If only we can get her out of this lengthy, complex drug program and into something workable for single moms. The program exists, she just has to convince the judge of that next week.

Overall, I feel very balanced in the midst of all the chaos. I do not feel overstressed. I am helping, yet not taking on the burdens of other people. Things at work are pretty hectic, but overall I still get to go home at the end of the day and forget about all the people who tried to steal my energies.

I leave you with Fitzwilliam, the prettiest little English girl since Orlando Bloom:

a lot on my plate i guess...

This week is really kicking my ass. It was me and my cousin and the baby plus Dana all crammed into Dana's studio apartment for 5 days until we could get our keys on Wednesday. Between the first month's rent and the deposit on the electricity I've wiped out my bank account. Also, some eggs over medium-well stayed in my system for like 24 hours - how do I know? Because every burp tasted like them. Indigestion is no fun. Today, I have to see the Dentist for the second time this week due to a minor mishap yesterday. My stuff is getting moved either this saturday or next, out of that filthy house and into a small bedroom on the north end of town. This is definitely not the lifestyle I have been used to. *sigh*

On the Dana side of things.

Last night I was reading Sinclair's most recent story about Penny. Dana came up to me half way through and put her hand around my neck and pushed me back into my chair. She kissed me once, twice, and took a fistful of my hair to steady me. Dana shoved my shirt up over my breasts and took my nipple into her mouth ferociously, still holding my head all the way back. After attending to my other breast, she yanked my panties down off my hips, down my legs and onto the floor (The joke is, on our first phone conversation, she asked, "describe your underwear" - and I answered truthfully, "on the floor!").

We've been pretty stressed out lately, but hopefully with the move, things will be getting easier on everyone.

change of the tide

This morning I signed a least with my psuedo cousin for 13 months. This is seriously permanent. The place I moved into is really not what I'm looking for, and all I have to do is forfeit my $300 deposit to be able to move out. It's not worth my money to stay the rest of the 3 months left on my lease. I did this because my cousin, Stefanie had a minor snafu with the law, after getting kicked out of her mom's house, and she has since been staying with me. Well, my landlord who is also my housemate (oh the joys of subleasing from strangers!) has been allowing her to stay with me on the condition that she pay $250 by the 15th. The government was willing to pay the money but he refused to sign any document stating that she was allowed to stay in MY bedroom until 3/31 so the funds could not be released. He called me at work, rather than telling Stef - he wants her out by Wednesday (which is illegal by the way, you can't kick anyone out with less than 7 days notice, apparently.)

I decided yesterday that I didn't like the living situation either. They are very unclean people, especially for people with fluid borne diseases, as I have discussed before. They have sex in the shower and then Stefanie doesn't feel comfortable washing the baby in there. On top of that, they want her out because they don't like the baby being there. My room is too small for me, the landlord keeps telling her a different story than he tells me, and they keep having big fights where the cops get called. After speaking with the landlord yesterday, I decided that it was so over.

So in yesterday afternoon I marched myself down to the leasing office where Dana lives and got the applications, filled them out, had my credit approved, and chose a one bedroom with a den. I spend most of my time here anyway, and I'd like to be able to decorate my own place with my own stuff and not have to feel like I'm bothering someone else. The government assistance is providing a moving truck for Stefanie so most of my stuff can hopefully go in there, and she's going to work on getting assistance for our utilities. I feel very peaceful about it. Last night I tossed and turned and tossed and turned and I couldn't get right about which unit I wanted, but we went to see them again this morning and the choice was clear.

Now, to furnish an apartment on a very small income, with me carrying most of the finances. Where there's a will, there's a way, and it shall be done! I feel so free!

vacationing in the smokies

I guess I should also give a personal post. I have been in North Carolina visiting mum. The drive up with my brother, Mel, was uneventful. It was long, we stopped a lot, and we drove overnight. Somehow by the time it was my turn to drive I had been awake for 24 hours, so he took over after about an hour and I slept some more. We found mom in pretty good shape. I made a big pot of soup yesterday and I was supposed to cook again today, but instead, I went shopping and escaped the monotony of being couped up in the house with family. Went to the yarn shoppe and the fudge shoppe, the general store is next. I wanted to grab some local pottery, but the pottery store was closed. Winter hours are significantly reduced as the tourism in the area dies down a lot. I got about a week's worth of homework done, however I'm going to have to scrap the rest, since it's only 5 percent of my overall grade. My class participation and my paper are significantly more important. The rough draft for my paper (for which I have not even drafted a final thesis) is due on Tuesday.

I don't know how I'm going to get any homework done when I have two possible dates this weekend. One is with a person named Trey. I can't decide from our emails whether Trey is butch or trans, so I've resolved to find out at our visit to the coffee shop saturday night. I reposted my CL ad describing a kinky femme bottom and Trey's response was the third one. The first two were kinda tomboyish, but more toward the centre of the butch/femme scale. I passed up their offers because I felt like I might be a bit more aggressive than they would be - with me, that does not fly. I'm a live wire and I need someone who can match my wit and my attitude. Trey actually just graduated with an independent studies degree from my university last semester... In our e-mail conversations, I allowed try to request of me any desired attire, and I have 3 homework assignments, which I'll be sure to answer during my trip to the internet cafe tomorrow:

On Saturday, be prepared to explain to me the following:
1) why, do you believe, you have chosen to be submissive?
2) do your submissive desires conflict with your feminist views and values?
3) what do you expect of a dominant?

I met another stinkin' pot smoker too. She seems kinda nice. Dana. But I still don't think we're going to get a long. She works in a sandwich shop and is almost through with school. She's a cancer, which is my no-no sign, once again. (Speaking of canceres, Sandi, the trucker, finally got a real live girlfriend! Saved by an unfortunate, unsuspecting femme!) We'll probably end up friends more than anything...

Well. The drive home on Thursday is going to be interesting. I work 10 hours on Friday and then it's time to hit the books. And possible a masculine top. Hmmhm.

Miss Avarice, considering the recent events in her life, could really stand to be truly, utterly topped. Honest to goodness, I'm ready to pillow queen for a stone top. Practice my bottoming skills and not have to worry about whether I'm a good top or not. I'll be glad to feel irresistible again. Like a hot piece of ass.

Which I am, rest assured.

another foul mood

This is a complaining post, feel free to ignore.

It's been awhile since I had a truly, utterly, miserable time at a club. Part of it may have been that it was the middle of the night. Part of it may have been my attitude. I also didn't know the venue, or the scene and arrived in completely overdressed. Personally, nothing kills my mood faster than being underdressed or overdressed. The drinks were weak. I went with an odd numbered group and quickly ended up isolated and sulking. I could have tried to make new friends but I can never tell who's taken and who's not and I don't want to look a fool. I could have gone home, but I was just barely keeping my grip on the hope that at some point, the fun would start.

Back at the apartment, we played spin bottle and kiss, and then spin the bottle and ask the person a question (and answer it yourself). I finished the other girl's beer that she had only sipped on - the beer got me way more drunk than anything I got at the club. This morning, I realize that I was bound and determined to get a hangover but whatever means possible. I might have succeeded. Ow... Finally, ended up sleeping alone when everyone else got to share a mat or a sleeping bag or whatever... and I don't know if I've said this before, or how many times, but I fucking hate sleeping alone. I'll sleep in a bed with a boy before I sleep alone. For real.

I think I'm grumpy because Erin is the only person I've been with lately, and last time we were together, I didn't get my turn, and then she kicked me out of bed at the ass crack of dawn... I'm still trying to fend off Marian, and I am --still-- getting craigslist emails from femmey girls.

Also: trip to see mom is back on. I'm leaving saturday and coming back thursday, and I got everything approved to be outta work, -and- my brother is coming with me! We're driving since it's totally ridiculously expensive to fly to mountainous regions.

It's time for coffee and lots, lots of water.

down the long hall toward the O. R.

So, update on the fam. My one remaining parent and my one remaining grandparent are both having surgery in two different states on the same day. Which is today, Friday, leap day, 2008. They're going down my mother's throat for some reason, to fix a slipped disc in her neck, in her spine - something's slipped off her puppet strings and she's weak. Grandma has a slew of gall stones in her gall bladder and throughout. Is it so many years of black coffee, at least 3 cups before noon every single day since coffee was rationed, since we were not a wealthy family and one time Grandma fed her husband and four children with a big sack of potatoes. For a month. The telephone company went on strike and my Grandpa was in the union. 3 cups of coffee before noon, and coffee until lunchtime. In the afternoons she switches to water, and at dusk she switches to wine and starts it all over in the morning.

coffee
water
wine

So, these, my two non-feminist feminists - my grandmother, until recently, approaching 74, has been mowing yards, hillsides, murdering weeds with a machete, built a house after grandpa went on. Will not tolerate disrespect. my mother who left my father after years of manipulation, control and calling her an idiot [imagine! she still thinks she's not very smart!] She left him in tears because he finally realized that she didn't meet his standards, but as we visited him in the hospital, in the cardiac ICU 5 years after he divorced her, he realized that she surpassed all of his expectations. He lost the most special gift that life had ever given him. He was her friend, but that's all she allowed. He had not earned her love, but she gave it to him anyway.

My mothers are sick, and I can't be with them. I think it's outrageous that my employer will not grant me leave time to see them. It's a great company, sure, and if it were the parents of someone in management, you wouldn't see their face any day that a family member were ill. Nosirree.

And my homework is piling up, but there's too much on plate... There's just too much on my plate...

heartbeat can't catch up, parched my singing cave,
i ripple down hill in search of cold water.

help, finally

My mom's uncle and aunt are going to drive up to take care of her. they live about 4 hours away and she hasn't seen them in a really long time. Yay! I knew we would figure out something, I was about ready to buy a plane ticket and take to the skies but I called her this morning and told me they would come help. They didn't know whether they should go see my mom or my grandmother, but my grandma told them she had plenty of help, to go help my mom. I'm so thankful for family, I can't believe I never even though of them driving up to help! They're very friendly people and the dog will love them, too.

Can someone call me and wake me up tomorrow at 11 a.m. to make sure I'm awake? It's my first day on my new earlier schedule and I'm afraid I'm going to sleep in! I slept in today and missed my class!

oh momma

I wish my mother would get some help. As far as I know, she hasn't told a soul that I'm gay, in this whole year that I have been decidedly out to her. She needs some safe space to cry so that she isn't doing it alone in her little house on a mountaintop. She told me she had a little break down on Valentine's day about me - all that means is that she cried about it. Which is good, sure that's great, but she's having a lot of trouble with it and she won't admit it to me. She's trying not to hurt my feelings, trying to be supportive supermom who's totally unphased by the numerous crazy schemes of her children. I suggested she talk to her best friend, who is like my aunt. Even though that's scary for me, I'd rather she have someone she trusts know, than maybe someone she doesn't. She's not taking care of herself in that way. She's bottling it up inside and there's nothing that I can do about it.

There's also nothing that I can do about the fact that she is going to have surgery soon and I can't be there to help her. I mean, I could use up all the rest of my paid time off that I have worked so hard to save up so I can go to michfest in august (so far I have just under 3 days to use). And that is a small price to pay, but it's also going to cost me $400 for a flight there and back. This is why I didn't want her living alone in a little cabin on the mountain with no one to keep her company. My grandmother was going to go, but she is having a very sudden surgery for gall stones and some kind of abdominal mass (could just be inflammation but they won't know until they go in and look). I don't have $400 to drop just like that. My rewards airline doesn't fly to where she lives, and since she lives in a tiny little town, you can't get there by plane, you have to fly to the next closest international airport. Apparently no one else can do it, which I find hard to believe, but she swears it's true. and she doesn't want to get a nurse because it'll cost her money and the person probably won't walk PJ.

It's going to snow soon.

Dear the Universe, two things, Health for my mom and grandma please, and then some help finding someone to stay with mom after her surgery - someone that she will trust, who will be very kind to her when she is in pain, and who will take the dog for walks and make her generally feel well taken care of - not something she feels very often, she's like me, a do-it-yourself type of gal... <3

one really horrifying day. only one.

I'm really in the foulest mood ever. Maybe not ever, but I'm very sour at the moment. I've been scowling basically the entire day.

Erin shooed me out of bed at 8:30 because "work called" and needed her to come in - I have no evidence that this is not true, but I was pretty irritated by being woken up so early, on a day that she said she'd be able to lie around in the morning. The commute home from her place - when driving in the daytime - takes literally 1 hour, 15 minutes. I'm going to have to start telling these bitches that if they want to see me they can come to my house. Eff this commuting with gas prices going for 30% of my hourly payrate. Rather than going to sleep, which I should have done, I stayed awake looking in craigslist for multi-unit houses in some of the historic districts in the area. Then, I went out to look at them. Which was horrific. The M-I-L quarters that I found, which was for a fantastic price and had a nice picture was absolutely horrifying for housing in a generally nice city. There was no central a/c, no backyard. The freeway is literally adjacent to the property, and the clothes dryer appeared to be older than the one that my family used when I was a child! The floor was separating from the wall, I'm positive there was mildew in the place - which I am allergic to - and to top things off, there was some random rotting car in the driveway. No thank you. I should have turned around and walked away when I saw the window a/c. Miss Avarice does not do window units. Uh-huh, No ma'am!

Oh, forgot to mention that before I went out driving and looking at rental properties, I found a hair in my favorite mc donald's breakfast sandwich. I dark brown hair. cooked into the sandwich. I'm very lucky to have a pretty strong stomach. Horrifying. Are you seeing the pattern here? It has been a really horrifying day. Not to mention the nightmare that I had early this morning, sleeping next to Erin. There are ginormous thunder storms headed our way, the skies have been pretty much grey all the day long and gust winds - the works. UGH!

I went to go look at some subsidized housing, and at some standard apartments as well. There are so very few that have any one bedroom units and many of them have no central a/c as well. I wish I had someone to look for housing with together. It would be so much easier to find housing if I had someone to share it with. Someone reliable who's going to stick around, someone who can love me for who I am and give me hugs when I come home. Just a friend.

On top of that, my mother can't find anyone to take care of her after her back surgery on Thursday, and i may have to take my vacation days to fly up and take care of her. My grandmother was going to do it, but now her back's hurting her, too and she doesn't want to take the drive all the way to NC with her back acting funny.

I had to take back the corset that I bought the other day because it was far too small for me, even though I tried to lace it differently. I went to the mall to soothe myself with some more retail therapy but I ended up just walking around moping and finding nothing of interest. Traffic on the way home was bad, and my car smelled like trash all day driving around because I forgot to take it out of the trunk on the way out of my apartments.

aghhhh complaaaaain!

phew. I'm going to go listen to music, say no words and sit native-american style on the floor for a little while. whoooo. exhale!

mama and baba

If you all have not come across this insightful blog about butch parenting, Lesbian Dad has a post up right now about naming herself as a distinctly non-motherly parent. She posts pictures of the little ones, stories about the successes and mishaps of parenting very small children, and feminist notes on female masculinity in a family setting.

Even if you're not a parent, not planning to be a parent, or your children are grown, it's still a very interesting read - have a look!

first class? or coach?

moar funny pictures

I have some traveling in mind for the next year. At some point I'll need to see my mother again. There are two Body Electric workshops that have my name written all over them. First is the CBE for Women, which I attended in October - it's happening again in March, but it's the weekend I would be moving. Then, a workshop called "Power, Surrender and Intimacy" which I'm basically terrified of, but my curiosity always seems to get the better of me. That's in June. I haven't planned anything for the fall, but maybe I'll make a trip overseas by then. I was thinking on going to Turkey for my birthday, but I don't think I'll have the money by then. Or the leave time from work.

So, who's coming with me to the CBE? Come on, Delilah, you know you want to! Just kidding, but seriously. Some of you may want to think about getting in touch with your body -- as my Women's Health professor says, "Our bodies are importantly sexual."