Westward Fever

I've been catching Westward Fever. Gradually, but surely. Late last year some time Kay and Ash started planning on going out west. Portland, specifically. Sol and Autumn had also planned a trek toward the Pacific. I wasn't so keen on the idea at first, but the South has been sneaking further and further out of my good graces, what with the anti-intellectualism and anti-feminist harrassment of my university administrators. Not to mention the outright racism of Southern people, and the local government's neglect and mishandling of social justice problems.

The whole time I was visiting Crave, she was planning for a scouting trip with her best friend, up and down the West coast to decide on a city, or a region whereto relocate. I'm totally jealous and I want to go with them in a bad way. Of course I can't, but I can dream from home. I've been looking up Portland on the internet, and dreaming about Seattle this afternoon and I'm totally hooked. I mean, I don't want to leave the South and join all the other intellectuals in a safe haven wherein to huddle, hoping that the rest of the country will start tagging along, but I'm no Jesus, I'm no Mother Theresa. I am not here to save the world, I can simply look out for myself and the ones I love.

The earliest I would be able to go out West is probably May of next year, which is hopefully when I will graduate with my WST degree (if, that is, my university stops cancelling classes and thwarting feminist thought). Maybe by then, if I have and keep this goal to move, I will be stable enough financially to pick up and make this profound change to my life. Moving Westward will also mean massage school. I've been really wanting to go to massage school for probably 3-4 years now, ever since Kay came back into my life and she showed my the wonders of body work. I am ready for the fulfilling work of healing people. It is indeed my heart's desire, and my soul's basic purpose.

some things take time

I spent last evening er... this morning, rather, since I didn't arrive until 1 a.m. after work, with Pa tri ci a, Sol and Autumn. I felt very welcome, and I have to say that the more time I have to sort through things, the better I feel about everything. I was in a much better frame of mind today than I was this past weekend, and I loved being able to reconnect with P. We had fun times in the hot tub, gettin topless and giggling - actually most of the giggling came from me, because did you know, being naked makes me laugh more, so one of my new years' resolutions was to enjoy more naked time. No joke. We all piled up on a king size bed, and I have decided that when this bed wears out, I'm getting a king. It's like the epitome of luxury, and great for multiple bodies piling up all together. And you know I love that! I hate being alone at night and everyone insisted that I join them, so my antisocial tendencies were restricted. It was good. I'm exhausted now, though. We woke up at 8:30 so that Sol would have time to run errands, but after 3 hours of sleep that was -so- not happening. I came home so that I would have my clothes and stuff ready when I get up for work in a few hours.

For once, I'm glad that holding a grudge is damn near impossible for me, that given a little bit of time, I can get over pretty much any petty grievance. It seems like when it comes to lesbians, if you can't be friendly with the people, regardless of who's sleeping with whom, you'll have some trouble keeping friends. I've seen some people get into horrible arguments over stupid stuff and then never speak to each other again, and that's so very unfortunate. I'd rather be able to make amends than waste all that energy on being angry. Evil makes people unattractive, and I simply cannot have that.

voyeur

My temper tantrum about Autumn is over.

I wasn't supposed to be upset but I was. And it's fading. In fact, I wasn't even upset by her, or by the situation, but I was upset at myself for having feelings that weren't in the deal. That wasn't fair to anyone involved, but it was my reality. I tried to be level headed, and I wanted to understand what was going on. The way I understand even myself the best is by writing out everything that is running through my head, even if it sounds exaggerated. See, my thoughts in this space are truth magnified, but when I say my thoughts aloud, they're quiet and affirming - however, they are no less true than what I say here. So take me at my word. Things are okay with me, I'm not upset with anyone except myself, and I am sorry. Just let me deal with me.

Crave - Coexist

"I'm just trying to love you for a minute"

Crave will go down in the books.

I don't yet have words to tell you what happened. About the best sex ever, about fucking around with a beautiful stranger. About three very satisfying meals shared. About sharing with Crave a pot of good strong coffee on a sunny Sunday morning when it had been raining on Saturday night.

The rain came down
and then the sun came up.
out came the sun and dried
up all the rain... and the
itsy bitsy spider climbed
up the spout again
thirsty for water and affection.

Tonight, I read her blog entry that she wrote yesterday, sitting in my bed after we fucked/cried. I barely read through the whole thing in the living room, but when I got to the end, I stood up and came into my room to cry some more. Until just then, I had only been leaking tears and choking on words, but tonight, just now, I sobbed into my bedspread. The song I just posted started playing on my iPod, like clockwork. I haven't cried like that since my dad died. I feel like my heart is trying to break out of my chest, trying to get to hers, trying to heal.

I haven't cried since the Body Electric workshop in New York city, since the last time I was supposed to meet her and things didn't work out. I have needed to cry for a very long time. Before, the timing was all wrong. She had some things to sort out, and I had something else to learn - I had to be at the workshop and get as much out of it as I possibly could. Which I think I did.

Somehow the timing lined up. The waste bin in my room is lined on the bottom with our tissues - certainly not wasted. No. I find that since I cry very little, none of my tears are wasted on insignificant things. I don't love her romantically, I don't. But I loved her quickly - that simple love for someone simply because they are human. Simply because they are here. She said, "I'm just trying to love you for a minute" - as was I, her.

I will tell you about the fucking another time, about the love bite / bruise in the cleavage between my breasts, on my green chakra.

Chakra Four: Air, Social identity, self-acceptance
This chakra is called the heart chakra and is the middle chakra in a system of seven. It is related to love and is the integrator of opposites in the psyche: mind and body, male and female, persona and shadow, ego and unity. A healthy fourth chakra allows us to love deeply, feel compassion, have a deep sense of peace and centered-ness.

self acceptance // integration // compassion

Here are a few major themes that are pressing their weight on me.

gratefulness: I think I originally started crying because I was grateful for such worshipful sex, with no expectations except that of respect. I moved on to other things, but that has persisted over the past day. I am so very grateful to have been loved "for a minute."

healing: and I think this is mutual. That there was some kind of healing that we both offered and experienced. I have not reached that root truth yet, but I know that it will reveal itself one day soon. Some day I will attempt to do something and realize that it doesn't hurt anymore, and I will be surprised - and remember that she helped me heal. Crave really helped me heal a lot of my cunt-shame issues. You know, touch, taste, smell, appearance, that we're all so fucking insecure about. on that note...

wanted: She really made me feel wanted, desired, like I were a satisfying treat, a drink of water in a dry place. I feel like an unexpected delight. I felt that my body "hit the spot." It's a new feeling, a big feeling that I have truly never felt before.

compassion: when I saw her start to cry, when I had been crying on her chest, I felt all the weight of a lot of her difficult experiences (I have no earthly idea what all has happened, only that it has all been unfortunately bad) --- it fell on me, it fell on my chest bone and compressed me, squeezed out of me more tears, compassionate tears. When you share the burden it becomes lighter. Two people carrying something heavy will have a much easier time than one. I'm thankful that she cried with me, that I didn't have to feel embarrassed about the sudden burst of emotion.

I can't keep writing, or I will keep crying as I have done while writing this entire bit. I wanted to be okay when she left, but I went directly to Jennie's house to cry some more. We drank wine outside in the sun while I cried and talked. wine and cry. Later, as the sun went down and it got chilly again, she held my head to her bosom and we laughed and I cried some more. I went to Kay's house and cried, I talked to Autumn in Kay's spare bedroom and we kissed and I cried. I drove home sobbing. I'm still not entirely sure why I'm crying except that I'm still so thankful for just a little lovin.

I'm so grateful for these really fucking hard lessons in laughing through my tears and loving without fear. "for a minute." A long, emotional, minute. I think our spirits talked more than our voices, eyes, bodies did.

It's all so unclear to my conscious mind, but exceptionally clear to the spirit - I feel like my unconscious mind knows exactly what's going on and thinks it's perfectly fine. I'm getting there. I'm getting there.


I feel cleansed

and the nominees are...

Today was a little bit crazy - as you can see in my last post, my morning was really somethin' (for your northern people, that means it was very special). I ended up having some food and going back to sleep until 4 p.m. I called my boss to see if I had flex time available (i get half my shift off, paid, to deal with unexpected "personal issues") and it was, so I had another snack and went back to bed. I didn't sleep well so I'm hoping tonight I will have sweet dreams and deep sleep. Anyway. I went to work at 9:30 p.m., got stuck in traffic, started off the evening with a 15 minute call (bad!) and then we had a long meeting so I only took about 25 calls. On the way home, stopped for gas and cigarettes and got stuck in more traffic (continuous construction from my house to work - nowhere else!).

But anyway, the point of all that was to show that my nomination for The Lesbian Blog of the Year came at just the right moment! I don't like the idea of nominating myself, although it is allowed, but Essin' Em felt that I was deserving enough for her nomination over at The Lesbian Lifestyle. Wow. I'm completely flattered.

"TLL is hosting the 2007 Lesbian Blog of the Year award. We are pleased to begin accepting nominations for this award until February 15th. At which time we will tally the nominations, and vote on the top five nominated lesbian blogs. The winner of the award will ... be listed as the 2007 TLL Lesbian Blog of the year on the TLL website. Good luck to all and keep telling your stories!"

To nominate me (remember - only top 5 nominees have a chance!) click on the badge and put my link in the comments. As cool as it would be to win, I'm in good company. My pals Sinclair, Dylan and Rouge have all made the cut (did i miss anybody?). But you know, who can resist erotic stories and pictures, notes on butch/femme interactions, and gender theory? It would be nice to have someone who's not from the New York / Jersey area on the ballot.

There you have it, a blog born on a breeze, written on a whim, gets a nomination for an "of the year" award. Amazing.




By the way, my dozen peach roses from Autumn are in my large vase on the dresser near the sun. When she gave them to me, I told her the story of how when I was kindergarten I specifically asked my mother to paint my room peach. Not pink, or blue or some other primary color that I would be sure to know by then. But peach. So, they painted the room peach, my bed linens were peach, even a vanity table had been painted peach. So, this new gemini girl who doesn't really know me, picked an uncommon color that matched a story from my childhood. I think she's off to a good start.

dance card

my dance card has been filling. this week has been packed.

still talking to Sandy on the side, and sending dirty notes which thrills her to pieces, and thrills me even more that she likes them and doesn't try to change the subject like other girls have been doing.

while we did have a very relaxed afternoon together and a sweet moment outside as i was leaving, i have completely lost interest in Marian. you may have realized that i can be a bit of a bitch. if someone can't compete with me, intellectually, i get bored. there was an overly long rant tonight that exhausted my interest. she's also way too much like my brother - she has the same needs and engages the same sympathies that he engages in me. i already feel drained. check that one off the list!

Crave is coming to visit this weekend. we've agreed on no expectations, but she seems to be a fine fella so i'm sure i'll enjoy her company. she's in town for a bit to visit someone else, and as a perk! we get to do a "round 2" on the date we supposed to have in NYC in October. she answered one of my CL ads for an intelligent toppy butch. i'm pleased to have a second chance because so far, she's a jewel.

to top it all off, i've just planned a date for tomorrow night with Autumn who is "transitioning" from an ambiguous, undefined gender, gradually into something more and more masculine. i haven't seen the outcome of the haircut that has reportedly "done the trick", according to the referring friends.

Wow, three in one week! What's a girl to do? Let's just call it extracurricular activities towards my Women's Studies degree, shall we?