Another year, another banner - help!

Last year, my dearly treasured Mr. Sexsmith created the lovely banner that you see here.



I have been rather pleased with it for the longest time, and it was one of my most special and unique gifts last December.

Since the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar came out, though, I have been struggling to prepare the new layout for my switcheroo over to wordpress.com because I do not know the interface over there very well, and also because the colors in the banner match my blogger theme and I can't figure out how to incorporate this theme into the available wordpress themes. Also, it has to be exactly 720 x 180 pixels, which is a different size than the current banner.

So, my darlings, wouldn't one of you love to craft a new banner for me? My new theme will likely be white, so any photo will do. You can see all of the photos I've posted here under label "shots".

I'll be ever so glad to send you something in return. My specialties lately have been beer bread and cookies of all sorts. Make your request, and you will find your mailbox filled with home baked goodies. If you're not the type to eat food from strangers, I'm sure we can work something else out :) I make handmade note cards from nature photos that I have taken, I could send you a ten pack with envelopes! See? The options are endless.

A post about last week's best threesome ever to come!

Pictures to distract you!

Since I don't seem to have much of substance to say recently, due to the onslaught of feminist homework assignments (way harder than regular homework, I assure you), I give you two pictures.


Did you know she keeps my baby picture above her desk?



This is the two of us on the night that we had dinner with my late aunt's ex partner of 25 years.

2 blisters, 1 bite, 0 frowns

I said, "I'm leaving soon, did you wanna talk before I leave?"

Earlier I had seen her looking bored ... down. I asked her if she came here to have fun and she nodded yes. I asked, "are you doing that??" she nodded no. She didn't want to dance, but maybe she might like to talk. I said she could come find me when she would like to do that.

An older butch latina, probably in her early forties. Newly single, she's moved out and all, it's a done deal. She was in that breakup "daze" where you're trying to have fun but all you can feel is incomplete. At least that's how it seems to me. Since I've never had the misfortune of a breakup. (We won't count the two that don't count).

"So, how old are you?"
"Well, I'm twenty---x"
"ahh. Don't you wanna know how old I am?"
"It doesn't matter to me."
"OK, so are you bi or gay?"

I crossed my arms and gave an indignant look. "Hmm, so it's because I'm femme right?" She nodded "well, yeah..."

"I'm a dyke"
"Ok, well that's good - Are you into older women?"
"Yeah, well, seems like all the butches my age are into skinny girls or each other."

I shouldn't have said that. I should have just said yes. Because I'm increasingly finding that I am. I can't find that "classic butch" type in anyone my age. Around here, they're quite frequently thugs or jocks that fit those obnoxious stereotypes. I want a gentleman (butch) who's intelligent and mannerly, but not uptight.

Later.

"So, have you ever had a lover?"

Is that what it's called? I've never heard it called that in anything except old lesbian gender books from the 90's.

"Uhh... see, that's kind of a complicated question."
"What, it's not complicated!"
"I guess, technically no. But um. It's because I only came out a year ago - I mean, I knew waaay before then, but ..."

She walked me to my car. I told her I was glad she was able to get out and relax. She wished me a safe drive home.

Am I lowering my standards by consciously including older women in my pursuit of companionship? Or does this still count as exploring my options? I like grown up butches that don't actually look/behave like 15 year old skater boys. If grown ups are the only ones who can match my style, then what's the big deal?

Gem was dancing again tonight, and she makes me question my no-femmes rule. She totally nibbled on my cleavage and bit me -AGAIN-. Didn't leave a mark. I was wearing a knit top with a serious low plunge. And this sugary, tiny little confection, Lizzy who looks like a cheerleader but she's so incredibly giving! She called me a shy girl, but little does she know that she's one of those femmes that makes me want to top. Luna asked if the drinks she made me a couple weeks ago had scared me away because I hadn't been back. Of course, Miss Avarice cannot be scared by alcohol! I guess I have better things to do than go out drinking alone, eh? That's a good sign. I ran out of tip money too fast, they deserved it.

avatar

Whattya think, for a new avatar? I'm not really sure how I feel about it because I never wear lipstick, like ever. In fact I think I've thrown it all away, maybe except for one tube. Lipstick is like my mortal enemy because there's something about the shape of my mouth that means I ALWAYS have lipstick on my teeth. Not pretty! But this picture is! It was doctored up by Ms. Rush - many thanks!

shut-eye

I just tried to close my eyes and go to sleep. My homework for this paper that I have to write has been bogging me down and I had an awful day at work. Awful. And for some reason all I could think about was the CBE workshop.

I really have not processed that thing, either I haven't had time or I haven't found space or I haven't had the appropriate set of ears. I'm feeling several different categories of processing that need to occur. The whole 5 days was a major roller-coaster of experiences - traveling! brave big city! OMGWTF THE SUBWAY, body image? weird hippie energy?? NAKED!? excuse me "cave" WHAT? *flip out* this subway is a piece of cake. wait, that's it? it's over! BUT!

Then I flew home and drove directly to school upon arriving at home to give a lecture, after which I crashed.

First: Emotional
I've done a little bit of this with Ray the other night. Which reminds me it's been like four years now since we had that little shin-dig on the hood of my car where too many tears fell over too many cheeks. It was the first week of November, I flipped a coin to decide whether I should say anything or not, the coin was in favor. Anyway. I think there are still some tears left that didn't get cried out, there are still some issues with my body that haven't been smoothed out on a purely emotional level. Some of these emotions will only come out in the physical processing....

Second: Spiritual
This is no surprise, I have neglect spiritual processing and meditation quite a bit this semester because I have been engrossed in school, work and extra-curricular studies. Working, reading, writing, thinking, dreaming and the like. This I can do by myself. Must do by myself. I want sit on my Dad's lap and tell Him what I learned, asked Him what I might've missed, overlooked.

Third: Physical
It seems to me that there is a significant amount of processing that I will only be able to do with someone else at hand. Learning to ask for what I want, but also learning to give what someone else has asked for. I think I need to lean into someone else and cry. I need to be naked with someone else again just so I can be sure that I'm really okay and it wasn't a dream. I need to learn the curves of someone else's body. The smells, the textures, the pace... the sounds. I feel like the workshop put me into an alternate universe of which I am not part - in reality, it's the world of sexual activity. It is a foreign place where inhabitants speak a body language other than the one I know and speak. And I have no one at the moment to whom I can speak these brave words. I cannot practice saying new words like touch, more, less, here, there, now, later, good, better, best, yeah. I have never felt more grounded than when I am skin to skin, (or, nevermind skin) body to body with another person. I feel lost, and I know that not all who wander are lost, but I feel that way.

And I feel like I have not grieved for someone or something that has died. Was it me, at the workshop, or part of me? Yes, by not working this stuff out - particularly the physical processing - I feel like I am clinging to an old grief that has been yellow and crumbling for a long time. Why can't I let it go?

I want to make it out to the "Advanced" CBE but if I still haven't processed the first one, come January, I think it would be a very unwise decision. I can't build on a foundation that is still mushy and wet, can I?

stripped

I didn't think I was going to go through with it! I thoroughly expected myself to be lying home moping at 2 in the morning wishing that I'd been courageous. I skipped the flogger and cuffs, decided that might be overkill for this particular occasion. When I got out of work, I called my host to see if I should still attempt to make an appearance at the party. She said the party was still hopping, and sounded quite friendly (that was the first time we'd spoken by phone) and cheerful so that gave my bravery a kick start. I arrived and I was totally weirded out by all the strangers - I knew absolutely no one. [I was wearing my pinstripe pants and a black button-down shirt and my big pearls (not the little ones) so I was fully covered - the invitation promised that those not wearing a costume would be stripped upon arrival!] Tried to look around for her, tried to make a friend or something but nothing was working out, when a surly character appeared and said hey. I lifted the hat atop a smiling face and recognized Jenn - the first time I get to meet her face to face and she's cross dressing (in a tongue-in-cheek kinda way, it's a costume). Eye-liner mustache was starting to wear off but she smiled and grabbed me a Blue Moon from the fridge by which I was standing, said, "this is my sister!" pointing to a masqued figure, and then rushed off to care for some sickly guests out on the front lawn. I only spoke to her - and only briefly, a sentence or two - about 4 times for the hour and a half I was there. But that's okay. I found that smiling and having an open posture made it easy for people to approach me, or to be comfortable around me. The third time we bumped into each other I said...

"I am wearing a costume, you know."
"What? What kind of a costume is that?"
"Well... you promised me I'd be stripped at the door..."
"Ah, I see, well if your costume's under there, why don't you take off your clothes?"
"Come on, you know bottoms don't undress themselves!"
"Like this..."

She started to unfasten the buttons of my shirt, and called to a girl nearby, saying "come on over, we've got to strip this one!"

"You missed me at the door!" I said. They slipped the shirt off my shoulders revealing the black corset and all my pale skin and cleavage. The accomplice said, "Well, you can keep your undies on - are you wearing any?" I nodded yes. "Are you sure we can take off your pants?" How could I pass that one up? "I'll be terribly disappointed if you don't" I pouted. She said, "Ok Jenn I'm going to need your help on this one!" They unbuttoned, unclasped, unzipped my slacks and started pulling them down my thighs, uncovered the lacy band of thigh high fishnet stockings and the shiny black boy-short panties... down, down to my knees, down to my ankles, they struggled to get them over the heels of my shoes, but finally oh finally I was free! In the living room in front of a bunch of strangers. [Wow, am I a little bit of an attention whore? Yeah... guilty as charged] And that is how I spent the rest of the night. Corset, panties, stockings, heels. And so cleverly disguised by my "work clothes". I got what I wanted out of the evening, and said, wow, now that I'm in my real costume I need another beer. The second one tasted almost as good as the first.

Finally around 3:30 Jenn said she was headed for bed. No joke, I'd be exhausted, too. We hugged and I sent her off to bed and went to the car to come home.

Analysis: Jenn's sister called me amazing, she had encouraged me to take off my own clothes earlier, but that's not how I wanted it. I need to start claiming the word amazing for myself. I sit in it like a robe and it suits me. I am amazing. Also, I created Miss Avarice in hopes of recreating myself. Her adventures are looking increasingly similar to mine. I'm becoming Miss Avarice. Hah! Also, I'm still trying to figure out why I'm more comfortable with someone else taking my clothes off rather than me doing. I thought it had to do with bottoming, but now feel like it's a weakness that I need to overcome - that maybe I'm deficient if I can't take off my own clothes in front of someone else. I can. But I much much prefer to be undressed by someone else... weird.

NYC Pictures? Here.

Trip Pictures

Tuesdays were made for shopping

Pictures from New York

Captions forthcoming. I have to go to work :( I haven't been since last Thursday! I'm thinking about getting a different job. I have trouble keeping a job for more than six months, even when it's a good job. Feeling terribly anxious and tight in my chest today...



Madison Square


China Town


Brooklyn Bridge


Central Park (west) at 85th Street


New York Public Library


Fulton Street


Fulton Street Subway Station


85th Street


Canal Street


Subway Musician Dude

Wonder G

This thing seems to get better and better every time I use it.
Except mine is black. I think I bought it because it was black.
Not from Babeland though...


And just for kicks: a glimpse of my new party dress

big city girl

Today was fabulous.

Never mind the fact that date #2 was a no-show.
Never mind the fact that it was chilly and wet.
Never mind the fact that I made a U-turn on the
subway. I was headed for Brooklyn... woopsies!

First stop: Century 21
I'm probably never going to go there again. So not "worth fighting for" as they say. ICK! The only bag I really really wanted was a $150 Furla purse. I settled on an Andy Warhol messenger bag for Rae and a navy Kenneth Cole bag for myself.

Second Stop: H & M
My life is absolutely incomplete without H&M and there isn't a store in Florida. Nearest one is in Virginia. Not even in Atlanta for crying out loud! I bought a new party dress for myself, and for my Gay - some cute undies and a black tie with small, subtle, silver spiders. Except I'm thinking about just giving him the undies and keeping the tie for myself.

Third Stop: Toys in Babeland
I was feeling kinda floaty here. Like, "wait, what's that for again?" and I was wide-eyed looking at the Wall-Of-Harnesses. I bought a moose hide flogger and leather wrist cuffs. One kink adviser has suggested rope to tie the cuffs down. I'm thinking red. I've been pretty much in love with red lately. Who's going to try them out? Any takers? I'm open to suggestions! *Ehem* Commands, rather.



Fourth Stop: Antique Garage
This is a very unique Mediterranean restaurant. The decor is kinda... old fashioned European-American. I'm guess like. 18th and 19th century. Real silverware, mix-and-match vintage china. I had Börek to start, and Mantı, and a glass of Angora wine. Yeah it sounds like a sweater, but it's a very delicate white wine, perfect for an early dinner. Baklava and Turkish Coffee for dessert.




So now I'm back at my hotel prancing about in my new dress (pictures forthcoming!) and trying to pack the mess that is on my bed into my suitcase. My airport shuttle is picking me up at 3:15a. First layover is in Memphis.

Remind me to write about my constitution. Am I made of fluff or substance? Am I as fierce fearless as I always thought myself to be?

everybody, come together, free

supine


taken


sweetness

shopping trip

sexy new heels


what's on top?

sizzle sizzle

So... I went shopping today...

Well, what have we here?

Two of a delicious kind.

Guessing game ;)

Pretty pink bows!



I was wholly inspired by the Vaudevillians show last night. I've danced before, I look like hotness. What's stopping me, eh?

handle bars

hot handles