Happy Freaking Pride!

Happy Freaking Pride, y'all!

Dana and I got up at an ungodly hour (9 a.m.) to drive across the bridge to the neighboring city where our metro area PRIDE is held. I'm a notorious pen stealer, especially when they're being offered for free (think, dentist, doctor, work, etc.) so we grabbed a healthy stack of them. Hmmm. Fresh pens! We also visited a wine tasting booth, listened to a gal named Julie Schurr (t-shirt, autograph, album, picture for Dana) and walked around simultaneously window shopping and trying to keep me away from the ATM.

Fun times, let me tell you! We're off to dinner at a Turkish restaurant downtown, fighting off a thunderstorm.

P.S. Dana was drooling over the cute little babies and I was melting over sexy "older" lesbians. Omg. The dyke uniform. It's the standard for a reason. I'm melting again just thinking about it!

P.P.S. We also bumped into Marian a couple times. Girl's made some progress but she's still chasing around girls who aren't interested in her. Terribly tragic.

another foul mood

This is a complaining post, feel free to ignore.

It's been awhile since I had a truly, utterly, miserable time at a club. Part of it may have been that it was the middle of the night. Part of it may have been my attitude. I also didn't know the venue, or the scene and arrived in completely overdressed. Personally, nothing kills my mood faster than being underdressed or overdressed. The drinks were weak. I went with an odd numbered group and quickly ended up isolated and sulking. I could have tried to make new friends but I can never tell who's taken and who's not and I don't want to look a fool. I could have gone home, but I was just barely keeping my grip on the hope that at some point, the fun would start.

Back at the apartment, we played spin bottle and kiss, and then spin the bottle and ask the person a question (and answer it yourself). I finished the other girl's beer that she had only sipped on - the beer got me way more drunk than anything I got at the club. This morning, I realize that I was bound and determined to get a hangover but whatever means possible. I might have succeeded. Ow... Finally, ended up sleeping alone when everyone else got to share a mat or a sleeping bag or whatever... and I don't know if I've said this before, or how many times, but I fucking hate sleeping alone. I'll sleep in a bed with a boy before I sleep alone. For real.

I think I'm grumpy because Erin is the only person I've been with lately, and last time we were together, I didn't get my turn, and then she kicked me out of bed at the ass crack of dawn... I'm still trying to fend off Marian, and I am --still-- getting craigslist emails from femmey girls.

Also: trip to see mom is back on. I'm leaving saturday and coming back thursday, and I got everything approved to be outta work, -and- my brother is coming with me! We're driving since it's totally ridiculously expensive to fly to mountainous regions.

It's time for coffee and lots, lots of water.

i think i'm in for some life lessons

Erin called me on her way to bed tonight. I was cleaning up from Family Night at Kay's after everyone had gone outside to smoke and talk, when the phone rang. Her job has apparently been taking up a lot of her time, and we've had an awful time trying to keep in touch. In fact we've barely spoken to one another since the last time - we can't seem to catch each other at the right time, unfortunately. Her birthday is next week, I wish I could be part of that. She told me to call her Monday after I get out of work at 10 and we can get together. I can't decide if I want to spend some more time getting to know her, or if I just want to leave that part alone. It is difficult for me to be able to know someone without caring for them a lot, so the more I know about her, the more I'm going to care about her. And that is, apparently, dangerous territory. But it's funny. I want to care about her. I do, in a sense. But not too terribly much...

Yet. This is coming from the mouth of a girl who has never had a proper girlfriend. Am I afraid of commitment? Am I afraid she's going to want to go too fast? Am I afraid of hurting her? What's my deal? I think maybe I'm afraid of being tied down, of having my curiosity harnessed and corralled. And I don't want that. I want to be able to pick and choose. But I guess that just means that if I really do get into a relationship, hopefully it will be one that I know I want, since I have not truly wanted anything yet.

Speaking of hurting people. I told a half-truth to Marian today, trying to get out of a date with her to my favorite restaurant. Why would I do that, you ask? I can't handle her shit, that's why. Twice, now, she has erupted into an emotional fit about how unlovable she is(n't) after I was trying to explain that we're not right for each other. TWICE. If I have not mentioned it before, let me do so now: Self-hatred is absolutely intolerable. I can understand if you have doubts about yourself, I can understand if there's a few things you'd like to change, but I cannot stand, cannot be in the presence of outright self-hatred. This is especially true after I have already told you several times that you are valuable and cherished. So, I'm going to have to figure out a polite way to say "we can be friends but you're not for me, and I know you're not for me, so stop trying to convince me because it was over before it started, honey." Instead, I told her I was on my period and feeling sick to my stomach. It was true, but I still could have taken some drugs and gone with her anyway. I'm sad, it was my favorite fresh seafood restaurant that overlooks the bay - and it was her idea when she didn't even know that my grandfather used to take the family there all the time...