In the last two weeks I have been accepted by a very gentle Dom for my training as a submissive. I have thought about doing this off and on for about a year now, and something shifted in my that compelled me to offer myself. Even now, I am simply a lump of clay just beginning to take shape. I learned a few different kneels on Sunday. Tuesday and Wednesday I took private kneeling meditations to practice. There is a thin, red band around my right ankle - I knit it myself out of some old Persian yarn which Maggie gave me. I'm referred to in lower case.
But you know, I'm already seeing how freeing it is to begin to give up control (little by little, in my case, and not completely, given the fact that this is simply a training). When I am told to do something, like homework, or a meditation, or when I receive instructions as to where I shall be at what time, I simply obey as best I can. I am seeing how the role of a Dom is partly that of a guide.
Was talking to Maggie last night about how fearful I am that I will not find a Dom that can understand and respect my primary relationship with Dana, and not take away from my relationship with her. I said, "but I shall just have to blow that cloud of fear away as if I were blowing out a birthday candle. wwffff! Adios, fear!" The funny thing is that she said she had just blown out a candle that smoked more than it should have afterward. Perhaps we cast a spell of good fortune for my search? We shall see...
my temporary Sir is quickly becoming a very treasured friend, as is His maggie.
Showing posts with label ladies' wear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ladies' wear. Show all posts
19.2.09
3.2.09
22.9.08
fingers, ugh.
Dana cut her right index finger. Sad! And it's her good hand, too! There was an accident with the meat slicer at work, and the first thing I asked when I got there to drive her to the walk in clinic was, "did you cut it off or just cut it? She assured me that it was just a flap. I won't lie, it's a pretty bad cut that required four stitches and a tetanus shot, but luckily her uninsured self is indeed insured by worker's compensation law. thank god. the doctor who stitched her up could have been queer, but there wasn't any hard evidence. thankfully everything was free, including the script for pain meds -- which means... We got free darvocet! Hah! Not that I would ever break the law and take someone else's prescription. *wink*
We went to see the local vaudeville/burlesque show Saturday night, which was pretty great. It was a little too zombie-centric and I'm really not into the living dead so I was disappointed by that. But there were lots of cute girls in bras and underwear and lots and lots of lesbians. woo! I should say, though, the drinks at this particular club are awful. If you're not getting a shot or a beer, don't even waste your money. Worst cosmopolitan I've ever had, with the exception of the one time the old man behind the bar though a cosmopolitan was vodka and grenadine. Nope! Try again.
There was even one who was about the size, shape and age of Crave and it made me miss her a little bit. I'm ever so fond of her girl-boyness. Crave and I are spirits that speaks the same language, sometimes we chance to meet in a forest clearing where the sun shines down and we share precious few words together. I don't think even we know why or by what means we are so drawn to each other. Strangers.
It was nice to have a date with Dana, to be out and about in public. In the morning I have sooo much homework to do, and I am not looking forward to it. Whoever decided that college should be so much work? Am I just a slacker? I mean. I only work 35 hours a week, but I still feel overwhelmed by all the homework. Blegh. Of course it is women's studies - notorious for tons and tons of mostly redundant, although very interesting, articles and books. We shall see.
Miss you all dearly! Love and kissies!
We went to see the local vaudeville/burlesque show Saturday night, which was pretty great. It was a little too zombie-centric and I'm really not into the living dead so I was disappointed by that. But there were lots of cute girls in bras and underwear and lots and lots of lesbians. woo! I should say, though, the drinks at this particular club are awful. If you're not getting a shot or a beer, don't even waste your money. Worst cosmopolitan I've ever had, with the exception of the one time the old man behind the bar though a cosmopolitan was vodka and grenadine. Nope! Try again.
There was even one who was about the size, shape and age of Crave and it made me miss her a little bit. I'm ever so fond of her girl-boyness. Crave and I are spirits that speaks the same language, sometimes we chance to meet in a forest clearing where the sun shines down and we share precious few words together. I don't think even we know why or by what means we are so drawn to each other. Strangers.
It was nice to have a date with Dana, to be out and about in public. In the morning I have sooo much homework to do, and I am not looking forward to it. Whoever decided that college should be so much work? Am I just a slacker? I mean. I only work 35 hours a week, but I still feel overwhelmed by all the homework. Blegh. Of course it is women's studies - notorious for tons and tons of mostly redundant, although very interesting, articles and books. We shall see.
Miss you all dearly! Love and kissies!
28.7.08
after tapas
I told her in the car on the way home from the tapas restaurant what I wanted. "When we get home, I want you to put on your cock and put your pants back on." She was easy to persuade. "I'm going to leave my dress on, if that's okay." Of course it was.
She started me off sitting on the edge of the bed. Kissed me, tenderly she became reconnected with my body. Soon I found myself lying back, with my panties being yanked down, greedily, over and off my ankles. She sank into my cunt with her lips, rocking me steadily upwards. With her pants unzipped, unbuckled, I was keenly aware of her swelling desire.
One at a time, she brought her fingers into my pussy - one to unlock the door and two to swing it wide open. Warm, warm fingers. I lifted my legs up over her shoulders to adjust the angle and begged - "Oh sweetie, you fuck me so good, oh yes, oh please!" Then, once she pulled her fingers out, her cock was ready to jump into action. Still, with my legs on her shoulders, or over her elbows, she guided her cock into me slowly - slowly - ahhh. She knows the angle, she knows the rhythm immediately. There, at the edge of the bed she fucked me for a long while, bringing me back to the edges of myself.
We paused and repositioned onto the bed, for the safety of my back. Oh how she loves the vision of her cock inside me. It's warm and soft and I love the full, feeling it gives me. I love it all. Her pants were still on at this point, but not my dress, it came off as we switched to the flat of the bed. Ahh. With her cock inside me, I brought my hands down to my pussy and she and I together sent me up like a shooting star. Crying out to her, that long sigh - "oooh baby!" That cry is full of crave and desire. She cooed and caressed me back into myself, unbuckled my shoes and took them off. As we lay in the bed afterward, letting me come back to reality, I said, "So, what can I do for you?" She knew I was tired and didn't want to put me out, but she deserved something in return after all that!
I rolled over on top of her and did what I could to return such a gracious favor.
She started me off sitting on the edge of the bed. Kissed me, tenderly she became reconnected with my body. Soon I found myself lying back, with my panties being yanked down, greedily, over and off my ankles. She sank into my cunt with her lips, rocking me steadily upwards. With her pants unzipped, unbuckled, I was keenly aware of her swelling desire.
One at a time, she brought her fingers into my pussy - one to unlock the door and two to swing it wide open. Warm, warm fingers. I lifted my legs up over her shoulders to adjust the angle and begged - "Oh sweetie, you fuck me so good, oh yes, oh please!" Then, once she pulled her fingers out, her cock was ready to jump into action. Still, with my legs on her shoulders, or over her elbows, she guided her cock into me slowly - slowly - ahhh. She knows the angle, she knows the rhythm immediately. There, at the edge of the bed she fucked me for a long while, bringing me back to the edges of myself.
We paused and repositioned onto the bed, for the safety of my back. Oh how she loves the vision of her cock inside me. It's warm and soft and I love the full, feeling it gives me. I love it all. Her pants were still on at this point, but not my dress, it came off as we switched to the flat of the bed. Ahh. With her cock inside me, I brought my hands down to my pussy and she and I together sent me up like a shooting star. Crying out to her, that long sigh - "oooh baby!" That cry is full of crave and desire. She cooed and caressed me back into myself, unbuckled my shoes and took them off. As we lay in the bed afterward, letting me come back to reality, I said, "So, what can I do for you?" She knew I was tired and didn't want to put me out, but she deserved something in return after all that!
I rolled over on top of her and did what I could to return such a gracious favor.
28.6.08
Happy Freaking Pride!
Happy Freaking Pride, y'all!
Dana and I got up at an ungodly hour (9 a.m.) to drive across the bridge to the neighboring city where our metro area PRIDE is held. I'm a notorious pen stealer, especially when they're being offered for free (think, dentist, doctor, work, etc.) so we grabbed a healthy stack of them. Hmmm. Fresh pens! We also visited a wine tasting booth, listened to a gal named Julie Schurr (t-shirt, autograph, album, picture for Dana) and walked around simultaneously window shopping and trying to keep me away from the ATM.
Fun times, let me tell you! We're off to dinner at a Turkish restaurant downtown, fighting off a thunderstorm.
P.S. Dana was drooling over the cute little babies and I was melting over sexy "older" lesbians. Omg. The dyke uniform. It's the standard for a reason. I'm melting again just thinking about it!
P.P.S. We also bumped into Marian a couple times. Girl's made some progress but she's still chasing around girls who aren't interested in her. Terribly tragic.
Dana and I got up at an ungodly hour (9 a.m.) to drive across the bridge to the neighboring city where our metro area PRIDE is held. I'm a notorious pen stealer, especially when they're being offered for free (think, dentist, doctor, work, etc.) so we grabbed a healthy stack of them. Hmmm. Fresh pens! We also visited a wine tasting booth, listened to a gal named Julie Schurr (t-shirt, autograph, album, picture for Dana) and walked around simultaneously window shopping and trying to keep me away from the ATM.
Fun times, let me tell you! We're off to dinner at a Turkish restaurant downtown, fighting off a thunderstorm.
P.S. Dana was drooling over the cute little babies and I was melting over sexy "older" lesbians. Omg. The dyke uniform. It's the standard for a reason. I'm melting again just thinking about it!
P.P.S. We also bumped into Marian a couple times. Girl's made some progress but she's still chasing around girls who aren't interested in her. Terribly tragic.
6.3.08
another foul mood
This is a complaining post, feel free to ignore.
It's been awhile since I had a truly, utterly, miserable time at a club. Part of it may have been that it was the middle of the night. Part of it may have been my attitude. I also didn't know the venue, or the scene and arrived in completely overdressed. Personally, nothing kills my mood faster than being underdressed or overdressed. The drinks were weak. I went with an odd numbered group and quickly ended up isolated and sulking. I could have tried to make new friends but I can never tell who's taken and who's not and I don't want to look a fool. I could have gone home, but I was just barely keeping my grip on the hope that at some point, the fun would start.
Back at the apartment, we played spin bottle and kiss, and then spin the bottle and ask the person a question (and answer it yourself). I finished the other girl's beer that she had only sipped on - the beer got me way more drunk than anything I got at the club. This morning, I realize that I was bound and determined to get a hangover but whatever means possible. I might have succeeded. Ow... Finally, ended up sleeping alone when everyone else got to share a mat or a sleeping bag or whatever... and I don't know if I've said this before, or how many times, but I fucking hate sleeping alone. I'll sleep in a bed with a boy before I sleep alone. For real.
I think I'm grumpy because Erin is the only person I've been with lately, and last time we were together, I didn't get my turn, and then she kicked me out of bed at the ass crack of dawn... I'm still trying to fend off Marian, and I am --still-- getting craigslist emails from femmey girls.
Also: trip to see mom is back on. I'm leaving saturday and coming back thursday, and I got everything approved to be outta work, -and- my brother is coming with me! We're driving since it's totally ridiculously expensive to fly to mountainous regions.
It's time for coffee and lots, lots of water.
It's been awhile since I had a truly, utterly, miserable time at a club. Part of it may have been that it was the middle of the night. Part of it may have been my attitude. I also didn't know the venue, or the scene and arrived in completely overdressed. Personally, nothing kills my mood faster than being underdressed or overdressed. The drinks were weak. I went with an odd numbered group and quickly ended up isolated and sulking. I could have tried to make new friends but I can never tell who's taken and who's not and I don't want to look a fool. I could have gone home, but I was just barely keeping my grip on the hope that at some point, the fun would start.
Back at the apartment, we played spin bottle and kiss, and then spin the bottle and ask the person a question (and answer it yourself). I finished the other girl's beer that she had only sipped on - the beer got me way more drunk than anything I got at the club. This morning, I realize that I was bound and determined to get a hangover but whatever means possible. I might have succeeded. Ow... Finally, ended up sleeping alone when everyone else got to share a mat or a sleeping bag or whatever... and I don't know if I've said this before, or how many times, but I fucking hate sleeping alone. I'll sleep in a bed with a boy before I sleep alone. For real.
I think I'm grumpy because Erin is the only person I've been with lately, and last time we were together, I didn't get my turn, and then she kicked me out of bed at the ass crack of dawn... I'm still trying to fend off Marian, and I am --still-- getting craigslist emails from femmey girls.
Also: trip to see mom is back on. I'm leaving saturday and coming back thursday, and I got everything approved to be outta work, -and- my brother is coming with me! We're driving since it's totally ridiculously expensive to fly to mountainous regions.
It's time for coffee and lots, lots of water.
20.2.08
sizing up
I finally went through some of my clothes tonight and threw away everything that no longer appeals to me. Over the past two years I have gained back all the weight that I had lost, so I had to get rid of guilty clothes that tell me I'm not the right size. I held on to some clothes that don't fit, because I will probably be able to fit in them again soon enough. I did get rid of pants that do not fit my body shape correctly - the ones that are for the hour glass figure - I'm more of an apple shape. skinny butt, big torso.
Had a talk with a [spiritual] cousin of mine... it's eating disorders awareness next week on campus and she has struggled with EDNOS for a long time. She says, she wants to be skinny because she loves how people compliment her on her body. She loves how much her boyfriend delights in her thinness. She feels desirable.
I'm practically twice her size. And I get plenty of compliments on how I look, and I still feel very attractive, even desirable! Even at nearly double her weight, I'm pleased with how clothes look on me, and obviously. Obviously there have been people who like my body. So what's the difference? Tell me.
Had a talk with a [spiritual] cousin of mine... it's eating disorders awareness next week on campus and she has struggled with EDNOS for a long time. She says, she wants to be skinny because she loves how people compliment her on her body. She loves how much her boyfriend delights in her thinness. She feels desirable.
I'm practically twice her size. And I get plenty of compliments on how I look, and I still feel very attractive, even desirable! Even at nearly double her weight, I'm pleased with how clothes look on me, and obviously. Obviously there have been people who like my body. So what's the difference? Tell me.
18.2.08
no, i didn't win the lottery
Miss Avarice has shopped.
No, I didn't win the lottery,
I just have really good credit.
This shopping trip will probably
last me until the summer time!
From the jewelry store:
Diamond Ring: $975? Hardly. $292.50
Aquamarine Ring: $189.? Try $56.70
Black Pearl Earrings: $100? Half. $50.00
White Pearl Earrings: $59? A mere $18
I apparently shopped on the right day because my favorite place for clothing was also on sale. Pretty much everything in the $30-$50 range was $6! When I checked out, Rather than my receipt showing $440, it was $171. For two whole bags stuffed full! Mostly sweaters and a jacket for colder weather, stocking up for times when I will be heading northward. I also grabbed some yoga pants, a denim skirt, dress pants, and shelf tanks. From another store I grabbed a couple of thin, long-sleeved shirts for the dreaded Camping Trip which I have been conned, coerced, and otherwise required against my will to attend. Finally, I finished off with two new bags, a small red and a mediumish blue. My friends make fun of me for how incredibly large most of my purses, and I general stick to one style, so I purposefully picked bags that are definitely not my style - it's time to branch out.
Speaking of heading northward, my mind has been in "please god, anywhere but here" mode and I have been curiously investigating places like Brooklyn, Jersey, Portland, and Washington State as a future home once I have finished my Women's Studies degree - although I'm sure the studying will have just begun by that point! Of course this is not for another year or so, but moving that far away from home deserves some thorough preparation. Why move across the continent you ask? Eh. I require constant change to exist. My spirit must always be moving. And I've said many times before, I have never felt so content in any other situation than I feel when I am in transit from one place to another. Whether it's driving to work, driving to see a friend who lives out of town or flying to an entirely different city. My most favorite feeling is walking down a street that I have never been on before. That's why it didn't take me long to get on board when Kay suggested that they might be skipping town in the next year or two also...
No, I didn't win the lottery,
I just have really good credit.
This shopping trip will probably
last me until the summer time!
From the jewelry store:
Diamond Ring: $975? Hardly. $292.50
Aquamarine Ring: $189.? Try $56.70
Black Pearl Earrings: $100? Half. $50.00
White Pearl Earrings: $59? A mere $18
I apparently shopped on the right day because my favorite place for clothing was also on sale. Pretty much everything in the $30-$50 range was $6! When I checked out, Rather than my receipt showing $440, it was $171. For two whole bags stuffed full! Mostly sweaters and a jacket for colder weather, stocking up for times when I will be heading northward. I also grabbed some yoga pants, a denim skirt, dress pants, and shelf tanks. From another store I grabbed a couple of thin, long-sleeved shirts for the dreaded Camping Trip which I have been conned, coerced, and otherwise required against my will to attend. Finally, I finished off with two new bags, a small red and a mediumish blue. My friends make fun of me for how incredibly large most of my purses, and I general stick to one style, so I purposefully picked bags that are definitely not my style - it's time to branch out.
Speaking of heading northward, my mind has been in "please god, anywhere but here" mode and I have been curiously investigating places like Brooklyn, Jersey, Portland, and Washington State as a future home once I have finished my Women's Studies degree - although I'm sure the studying will have just begun by that point! Of course this is not for another year or so, but moving that far away from home deserves some thorough preparation. Why move across the continent you ask? Eh. I require constant change to exist. My spirit must always be moving. And I've said many times before, I have never felt so content in any other situation than I feel when I am in transit from one place to another. Whether it's driving to work, driving to see a friend who lives out of town or flying to an entirely different city. My most favorite feeling is walking down a street that I have never been on before. That's why it didn't take me long to get on board when Kay suggested that they might be skipping town in the next year or two also...
26.1.08
define: over the top
How would you wear this gem of a shirt, designed by Date Dyke's very own Cuban Genius?
I know some of you guys think it's a funny term, but I think what I had in mind when I said I felt like a "butch whisperer" was that I feel like my heart sees sadness and calls out to butch hearts - "come here, my sweet! come nestle your face to my bosom and let all your tension melt away, breathe deep cleansing breaths that feed your mind and spirit. come and cry on me and let it all out - all the gender troubles, all the bad memories of immature and manipulative femme ex/girlfriends, and all the various disheartening circumstances of life!" I want to play a part in the healing process of other people.
I know I can't heal everybody, or everything. But what if I can heal a little something, and what if I can do it with sex (something that basically everyone already needs a little healing for)? I think that would be fabulous. So.
Dear the Universe:
I desire to be good at sex - not only for the carnal gratification, though. I wish to be good at using sex for healing people. I welcome the crying and the learning. Teach me to see use sex as a magnifying glass into people's hearts. Teach me to love them gently and fearlessly so that the healing will be "stick."
Love, Miss Avarice
I know some of you guys think it's a funny term, but I think what I had in mind when I said I felt like a "butch whisperer" was that I feel like my heart sees sadness and calls out to butch hearts - "come here, my sweet! come nestle your face to my bosom and let all your tension melt away, breathe deep cleansing breaths that feed your mind and spirit. come and cry on me and let it all out - all the gender troubles, all the bad memories of immature and manipulative femme ex/girlfriends, and all the various disheartening circumstances of life!" I want to play a part in the healing process of other people.
I know I can't heal everybody, or everything. But what if I can heal a little something, and what if I can do it with sex (something that basically everyone already needs a little healing for)? I think that would be fabulous. So.
Dear the Universe:
I desire to be good at sex - not only for the carnal gratification, though. I wish to be good at using sex for healing people. I welcome the crying and the learning. Teach me to see use sex as a magnifying glass into people's hearts. Teach me to love them gently and fearlessly so that the healing will be "stick."
Love, Miss Avarice
16.1.08
friends don't let friends leave the house looking like crap
Actually, these are good tips for everyone. I would like to add a few:
*If you wear your hair short, have it cut frequently!
*Please, have your pants tailored, or buy the correct length!
*Brush your teeth before you go to meet a lady. (I should NOT have had to say that, but it happened to me like 2 days ago.)
*Know your correct size, and dress in it. This goes for the ladies too.
And finally,
just because you dress like a boy
doesn't mean you have to act like one.
period. end of story.
P.S. I stole this from The Butch Caucus. This blog collects YouTube videos and images of pop culture relating to butch culture and the everyday butch experience, while focusing specifically on butches (/people) of color.
14.1.08
"i think she's a genius"
I just got back from visiting with Delilah. We haven't seen each other since before Christmas (before Thanksgiving maybe? I can't remember). The time has gotten between us so quickly. Our tradition has been to make Christmas really special since we do not get to be together often during the year. And, as you can see by the date on the calendar, Christmas waits for us, we do not wait on Christmas. I presented her with a shirt that was screaming her name when I first saw it, as well as a small perfume. Surprise, surprise, finally I brought another small package which, after unwrapping several unassuming layers of paper, she discovered the Rock Chick. We shall expect a full report. I'm pretty jealous, I might get one for myself. Look mom, no hands!
Being the sneaky one she is, and knowing my absolute, everlasting love for martini-style drinks, and for barware of all kinds, found for me a lovely set of 3oz martini glasses - perfect size for some double shots of whatever delicious combination I can dream up! Along with a shaker - smaller than the one I have already, so that I won't have to use the big one if I'm just shaking things up for myself. But the big hit was a long, long string of beautiful white pearls, hand knotted and perfect for that lucky blue shirt that has gotten so much attention (or rather, procured attention for me) lately. It's been a long time since I couldn't stop saying, "I'm so happy!"
I might have a problem, a glassware problem. Without looking, I can count now ten martini glasses, eight wine glasses, six shot glasses, 2 margarita glasses, 2 champagnes, 2 martini shakers, and heart shaped ice trays.
Did someone say house party? When I move into that low income housing in April, let's break it in right. I just might need to have a houseboy, too. Humor me, will you?
P.S. I still haven't gotten revenge on Patri ci a - that revenge is forthcoming.
Being the sneaky one she is, and knowing my absolute, everlasting love for martini-style drinks, and for barware of all kinds, found for me a lovely set of 3oz martini glasses - perfect size for some double shots of whatever delicious combination I can dream up! Along with a shaker - smaller than the one I have already, so that I won't have to use the big one if I'm just shaking things up for myself. But the big hit was a long, long string of beautiful white pearls, hand knotted and perfect for that lucky blue shirt that has gotten so much attention (or rather, procured attention for me) lately. It's been a long time since I couldn't stop saying, "I'm so happy!"
I might have a problem, a glassware problem. Without looking, I can count now ten martini glasses, eight wine glasses, six shot glasses, 2 margarita glasses, 2 champagnes, 2 martini shakers, and heart shaped ice trays.
Did someone say house party? When I move into that low income housing in April, let's break it in right. I just might need to have a houseboy, too. Humor me, will you?
P.S. I still haven't gotten revenge on Patri ci a - that revenge is forthcoming.
31.12.07
New Year's Celebration
Tonight, and only tonight, Miss Avarice will be featured at a house party. Donning her lucky blue top (shown below), she will entice the party goers with her goods and services. Any interested parties should send cheer to her direct telephone line, in return for which she will send directions and add your name to the guest list.
Have a good one, kids! It only comes once a year!
Have a good one, kids! It only comes once a year!
17.12.07
my turn
I set out tonight to make someone feel special but my plan backfired and instead, I felt special! We had planned on going out for gelato but the gelateria was closed when we got there, so instead we had appetizers and dessert at The Cheesecake Factory. My friend paid for everything except my martini - it's been ages since that happened. I'm always treating people to fancy dinners. Afterward, she presented me with a silver locket necklace which went perfectly with my black party dress. It was the first chance I'd had to wear the dress, and now I have a lovely piece of jewelry and a special memory every time I wear it. The lighting was bad so we didn't get pictures, but I think I prefer it that way. It requires me to be conscious on remembering.
I missed the chance to catch up with my sister afterward, but I think I'm going to kidnap her tomorrow sometime. I think there's boy drama.
In other news, went dancing at a bar with some girls from church last night. There was a whole flock of dykes having a blast - new ones that I've never seen before! Hah. They do exist! To my disappointment, the one I had my eye on was quite obviously attached. I have a little bit of a headache that started on the way home from the restaurant. I'd had a killer chocolate martini and I've been slacking in the area of hydration lately. It's either dehydration or a period that's looming somewhere on the horizon. I think I'm going to just have it this week instead of waiting til Christmas.
I missed the chance to catch up with my sister afterward, but I think I'm going to kidnap her tomorrow sometime. I think there's boy drama.
In other news, went dancing at a bar with some girls from church last night. There was a whole flock of dykes having a blast - new ones that I've never seen before! Hah. They do exist! To my disappointment, the one I had my eye on was quite obviously attached. I have a little bit of a headache that started on the way home from the restaurant. I'd had a killer chocolate martini and I've been slacking in the area of hydration lately. It's either dehydration or a period that's looming somewhere on the horizon. I think I'm going to just have it this week instead of waiting til Christmas.
4.11.07
omg shoes
Please. For the love of God. No more shoes! I was helpless today! I tried on so many pairs of shoes - you should have seen me! I went in looking for clothes and came out with a mini-blender, two-for-the-price-of-one pillows, and three pairs of shoes! Black closed-toed pumps, red closed-toed pumps and a pair of flats. I originally went into the shoe department looking for flats, but picked up the two heels and then felt guilty for not getting what I went in for originally. So I had to get the flats too. My other heels are not very sturdy - the two pairs of satin ones. Those are for outings where I will not do much walking. These new ones are very sturdy, and with magic clear-gel-stick-on-insoles, they'll be good to go. I really need to start wearing these shoes if I'm going to keep buying them. It's like when I used to buy a lot of makeup and never wear it... I need a life. It's getting dire, folks.
Hi, my name is Avarice. I have a problem. I sometimes over-do it on shoes.
Hi, my name is Avarice. I have a problem. I sometimes over-do it on shoes.
21.10.07
stripped
I didn't think I was going to go through with it! I thoroughly expected myself to be lying home moping at 2 in the morning wishing that I'd been courageous. I skipped the flogger and cuffs, decided that might be overkill for this particular occasion. When I got out of work, I called my host to see if I should still attempt to make an appearance at the party. She said the party was still hopping, and sounded quite friendly (that was the first time we'd spoken by phone) and cheerful so that gave my bravery a kick start. I arrived and I was totally weirded out by all the strangers - I knew absolutely no one. [I was wearing my pinstripe pants and a black button-down shirt and my big pearls (not the little ones) so I was fully covered - the invitation promised that those not wearing a costume would be stripped upon arrival!] Tried to look around for her, tried to make a friend or something but nothing was working out, when a surly character appeared and said hey. I lifted the hat atop a smiling face and recognized Jenn - the first time I get to meet her face to face and she's cross dressing (in a tongue-in-cheek kinda way, it's a costume). Eye-liner mustache was starting to wear off but she smiled and grabbed me a Blue Moon from the fridge by which I was standing, said, "this is my sister!" pointing to a masqued figure, and then rushed off to care for some sickly guests out on the front lawn. I only spoke to her - and only briefly, a sentence or two - about 4 times for the hour and a half I was there. But that's okay. I found that smiling and having an open posture made it easy for people to approach me, or to be comfortable around me. The third time we bumped into each other I said...
"I am wearing a costume, you know."
"What? What kind of a costume is that?"
"Well... you promised me I'd be stripped at the door..."
"Ah, I see, well if your costume's under there, why don't you take off your clothes?"
"Come on, you know bottoms don't undress themselves!"
"Like this..."
She started to unfasten the buttons of my shirt, and called to a girl nearby, saying "come on over, we've got to strip this one!"
"You missed me at the door!" I said. They slipped the shirt off my shoulders revealing the black corset and all my pale skin and cleavage. The accomplice said, "Well, you can keep your undies on - are you wearing any?" I nodded yes. "Are you sure we can take off your pants?" How could I pass that one up? "I'll be terribly disappointed if you don't" I pouted. She said, "Ok Jenn I'm going to need your help on this one!" They unbuttoned, unclasped, unzipped my slacks and started pulling them down my thighs, uncovered the lacy band of thigh high fishnet stockings and the shiny black boy-short panties... down, down to my knees, down to my ankles, they struggled to get them over the heels of my shoes, but finally oh finally I was free! In the living room in front of a bunch of strangers. [Wow, am I a little bit of an attention whore? Yeah... guilty as charged] And that is how I spent the rest of the night. Corset, panties, stockings, heels. And so cleverly disguised by my "work clothes". I got what I wanted out of the evening, and said, wow, now that I'm in my real costume I need another beer. The second one tasted almost as good as the first.
Finally around 3:30 Jenn said she was headed for bed. No joke, I'd be exhausted, too. We hugged and I sent her off to bed and went to the car to come home.
Analysis: Jenn's sister called me amazing, she had encouraged me to take off my own clothes earlier, but that's not how I wanted it. I need to start claiming the word amazing for myself. I sit in it like a robe and it suits me. I am amazing. Also, I created Miss Avarice in hopes of recreating myself. Her adventures are looking increasingly similar to mine. I'm becoming Miss Avarice. Hah! Also, I'm still trying to figure out why I'm more comfortable with someone else taking my clothes off rather than me doing. I thought it had to do with bottoming, but now feel like it's a weakness that I need to overcome - that maybe I'm deficient if I can't take off my own clothes in front of someone else. I can. But I much much prefer to be undressed by someone else... weird.
29.9.07
H.D.i.L.
This is so over the top. I'm watching this really wretched show called "How Do I Look?" The intro to this episode was "cops" and "bad boys" style - the femmey fashion police in uniform busts into someone's living room weilding a hair dryer like a gun to "arrest" the fashion criminal.
Come to find out, the so called "criminal" is a cop, and really very cute - really. The cop uniform, I have to say. g'damn! But she likes to wear sweaties and and slippers at home. Can someone please tell me what is wrong with this?!!
At the end of the last show, the girl started off a little bit on the "librarian" side (Jennie, forgive me!) and ended the show in a flowy, soft pink baby doll dress with butterflies. When she walked out to show everyone how the hosts had transformed her from a fashion transgressor, into a fashion plate, everyone cheered and applauded and had tears in their eyes, saying "oh, you're so beautiful!"
As if she wasn't beautiful before. It's not that she didn't like her clothes before, or that she doesn't like all the new clothes. It isn't about wearing clothes that match. I think it has something to do with men wanting women to be attractive to them, and women, as a group, policing ourselves for believing that feminine beauty is our highest calling as females.
I feel sick.
Come to find out, the so called "criminal" is a cop, and really very cute - really. The cop uniform, I have to say. g'damn! But she likes to wear sweaties and and slippers at home. Can someone please tell me what is wrong with this?!!
At the end of the last show, the girl started off a little bit on the "librarian" side (Jennie, forgive me!) and ended the show in a flowy, soft pink baby doll dress with butterflies. When she walked out to show everyone how the hosts had transformed her from a fashion transgressor, into a fashion plate, everyone cheered and applauded and had tears in their eyes, saying "oh, you're so beautiful!"
As if she wasn't beautiful before. It's not that she didn't like her clothes before, or that she doesn't like all the new clothes. It isn't about wearing clothes that match. I think it has something to do with men wanting women to be attractive to them, and women, as a group, policing ourselves for believing that feminine beauty is our highest calling as females.
I feel sick.
24.9.07
*perma-smile*
so. i went to ye olde sex shoppe. i've made a purchase. i'm a bit disconcerted by how uh... purple everything is.
i also bought a really short skirt Denim. With four big blue buttons up the front. I am going to look like such hotness, wow! i'm mean. not that i don't already.
also: hoop earings and... a string of big, thick pearls the fits close around my neck! hmmmmmm yes.
and i'm still talking to the two people who answered my reply to their CL posts. they both seem very sweet.
i also bought a really short skirt Denim. With four big blue buttons up the front. I am going to look like such hotness, wow! i'm mean. not that i don't already.
also: hoop earings and... a string of big, thick pearls the fits close around my neck! hmmmmmm yes.
and i'm still talking to the two people who answered my reply to their CL posts. they both seem very sweet.
12.9.07
more thoughts on becoming femme
I think for me the rejection of my femininity has been somewhat out of fear, for my own protection. I knew that if I obscured my feminine figure I could lower the chances of unwanted attention from jerks. A fire always rises up in my belly, burning for justice, when some man thought I would appreciate his lewd comments. Not even that. It's that (maybe even unconsciously) they use verbal abuse to subdue me. To exert power over me. Over Us. To raise his own self esteem by lowering mine. As if the shape of my body determines my value.
So. It's been kind of. Interesting to re-invent my femininity in ways that are comfortable for me. You know. I'm not so sure I like the high heels thing. Especially with my bad knees and back issues. And rather than dresses and lace all the time. I absolutely love the look of very snazzy business attire. I was admiring myself in the mirror yesterday, trying on my one and only blazer which I used to wear for work. So. Sexy. I love a woman in a business suit. I don't even care how the present gender. I just think it's hot. ;) But I'm still feminine in my button-ups and pinstripes and sensible (or not) shoes. I've been growing my hair out long again. I cut it shorter than I ever have in my entire life - my best friend and I went out and had a haircut for locks-of-love. Right after my father died. It's taken my this long to get it back to my shoulder blades. I'm going to let it keep on growing and growing until I get tired of it. I've never had hair above my shoulders in my entire life until that point. It was very freeing. But I'm more comfortable in long hair. I love how it gets so messy, yet I still look like hotness.
But the most important thing has been to stop comparing myself to heterosexual femininity because... the standards are different. I just don't measure up. Don't care to.
So. It's been kind of. Interesting to re-invent my femininity in ways that are comfortable for me. You know. I'm not so sure I like the high heels thing. Especially with my bad knees and back issues. And rather than dresses and lace all the time. I absolutely love the look of very snazzy business attire. I was admiring myself in the mirror yesterday, trying on my one and only blazer which I used to wear for work. So. Sexy. I love a woman in a business suit. I don't even care how the present gender. I just think it's hot. ;) But I'm still feminine in my button-ups and pinstripes and sensible (or not) shoes. I've been growing my hair out long again. I cut it shorter than I ever have in my entire life - my best friend and I went out and had a haircut for locks-of-love. Right after my father died. It's taken my this long to get it back to my shoulder blades. I'm going to let it keep on growing and growing until I get tired of it. I've never had hair above my shoulders in my entire life until that point. It was very freeing. But I'm more comfortable in long hair. I love how it gets so messy, yet I still look like hotness.
But the most important thing has been to stop comparing myself to heterosexual femininity because... the standards are different. I just don't measure up. Don't care to.
invention
Instead of going to bed early, or reading for class like I should be doing, I am blogging. Because I've had some thoughts in my head for the past week or so and I haven't been able to give them form and texture through words.
My gender presentation comes in waves. Because as a girl I reveled in dresses. I've always loved to wear my hair down. Yet even while wearing dresses and skirts, I was climbing trees and getting dirt everywhere. I only had a brother and I just did whatever he did; never thinking twice about it Once I hit middle school it was jeans-and-t-shirts consistently. I don't remember why. I think it had something to do with the crowd I was trying to hang out with. Then, the freedom, the ecstasy of a fine arts high school gave me more breathing room to let out my inner hippie... With long flowing skirts and kicking off my sandals. Then I changed high schools. [long story for another day] At my new high school I went back to the jeans-and-t-shirts thing. I definitely had a self-esteem issue that wasn't as present before. This trend continued all through college until I decided to take a break for some religious study. I guess I got back into wearing skirts again, but that didn't have as much to do with identity as it did for practicality. Skirts can be a life-saver on hot climates.
I didn't purposefully lean back toward the feminine again until March when I started coming out to people. [For real, this time - again, the result of a longer story] And all this conversation about gender. And all the time I spent with other queer women. I started to see what was different about so many gender presentation. A great many people are just themselves and don't have any strong markers one way or another. But somehow once I started coming out to people, I felt at ease about being feminine. My femininity wasn't a threat to my wellbeing as it was back when it was presumably for the attraction of men. The flip switched when I started realizing that femininity can attract women, that's when I wasn't afraid of it anymore (not that I didn't know this before, but rather I had never seen it actually at work in social settings).
Sunday I bought a new dress. I've been learning to walk in high heels.
I'm going to fucking own my femininity whether or not the Man likes it... the fact that he can look but not touch. I'm going to sway my hips and learn to do that thing femmes do with their eyes that's so irresistible. I'm going to learn to be a sexually fulfilled person who can fulfill someone else, too... rather than being a lazy bottom. [Because haven't we come to the conclusion that bottoming isn't, or shouldn't usually be a passive role; it requires action.]
In other news, I am in serious need of a underwear make-over.
And, Who wants to go see RENT with me in NYC while I'm there?
Please, oh please won't anyone accompany me, I'll be wearing my
brand new little black dress with a red satin sash and my very
own eyelashes stepping up to bat above twinkling blue eyes.
My gender presentation comes in waves. Because as a girl I reveled in dresses. I've always loved to wear my hair down. Yet even while wearing dresses and skirts, I was climbing trees and getting dirt everywhere. I only had a brother and I just did whatever he did; never thinking twice about it Once I hit middle school it was jeans-and-t-shirts consistently. I don't remember why. I think it had something to do with the crowd I was trying to hang out with. Then, the freedom, the ecstasy of a fine arts high school gave me more breathing room to let out my inner hippie... With long flowing skirts and kicking off my sandals. Then I changed high schools. [long story for another day] At my new high school I went back to the jeans-and-t-shirts thing. I definitely had a self-esteem issue that wasn't as present before. This trend continued all through college until I decided to take a break for some religious study. I guess I got back into wearing skirts again, but that didn't have as much to do with identity as it did for practicality. Skirts can be a life-saver on hot climates.
I didn't purposefully lean back toward the feminine again until March when I started coming out to people. [For real, this time - again, the result of a longer story] And all this conversation about gender. And all the time I spent with other queer women. I started to see what was different about so many gender presentation. A great many people are just themselves and don't have any strong markers one way or another. But somehow once I started coming out to people, I felt at ease about being feminine. My femininity wasn't a threat to my wellbeing as it was back when it was presumably for the attraction of men. The flip switched when I started realizing that femininity can attract women, that's when I wasn't afraid of it anymore (not that I didn't know this before, but rather I had never seen it actually at work in social settings).
Sunday I bought a new dress. I've been learning to walk in high heels.
I'm going to fucking own my femininity whether or not the Man likes it... the fact that he can look but not touch. I'm going to sway my hips and learn to do that thing femmes do with their eyes that's so irresistible. I'm going to learn to be a sexually fulfilled person who can fulfill someone else, too... rather than being a lazy bottom. [Because haven't we come to the conclusion that bottoming isn't, or shouldn't usually be a passive role; it requires action.]
In other news, I am in serious need of a underwear make-over.
And, Who wants to go see RENT with me in NYC while I'm there?
Please, oh please won't anyone accompany me, I'll be wearing my
brand new little black dress with a red satin sash and my very
own eyelashes stepping up to bat above twinkling blue eyes.
25.8.07
highs and lows
What's the difference between high-femme and femme and every other type of feminine lady lovin' gender expression?
I was thinking about it in the car tonight. I drove across to check my mail at the post office after work. 30 minutes away. I think it has a little to do with "the dress-up test" as Sinclair calls it. What do you wear when you dress super nice? Here in the south, we call it, "getting gussied-up". Hell if I know where that expression came from. Anyway.
Whether I'm going to be wearing a skirt/dress or a fancy pants get-up, my routine involves moussing my hair, putting on makeup and wearing heels. For me, though. pantyhose and lipstick are absolutely out of the question, period. Lip gloss maybe. Burt's Bees lip balm? Surely. But lipstick is gross altogether and bad for your skin. Eww.
I think for differentiating between the various femme categories, it also depends on how much trouble goes into daily maintenance. I'd say I'm pretty low in daily maintenance. Makeup only goes on when I have the spare time to invest in my face. granted, it doesn't take that long, but it's a bother. And I have a sweet face anyway, so who cares whether or not it's painted? I also don't do anything exciting to my hair. Sometimes I mousse it when the weather is terrible and won't support the curls. But that is also sticky, gross and takes time when I could be relaxing. curling my hair also requires extra showering because my hair has to be wet. straightening takes far too long, requires standing in a weird position, and is also a bother.
Underwear seems to be a good marker. How shiny -are- the panties? How bust-enhancing or fashionable is the bra? How well do the two match?
But then there's things like. My newfound love of heeled shoes. The way I stand proudly upright, to show off my figure. The way I'm wearing my mother's soft, silky old nightgown with the torn lace along the edges. It reminds me that I cannot escape the parts of me that are strong. That are from her.
I was thinking about it in the car tonight. I drove across to check my mail at the post office after work. 30 minutes away. I think it has a little to do with "the dress-up test" as Sinclair calls it. What do you wear when you dress super nice? Here in the south, we call it, "getting gussied-up". Hell if I know where that expression came from. Anyway.
Whether I'm going to be wearing a skirt/dress or a fancy pants get-up, my routine involves moussing my hair, putting on makeup and wearing heels. For me, though. pantyhose and lipstick are absolutely out of the question, period. Lip gloss maybe. Burt's Bees lip balm? Surely. But lipstick is gross altogether and bad for your skin. Eww.
I think for differentiating between the various femme categories, it also depends on how much trouble goes into daily maintenance. I'd say I'm pretty low in daily maintenance. Makeup only goes on when I have the spare time to invest in my face. granted, it doesn't take that long, but it's a bother. And I have a sweet face anyway, so who cares whether or not it's painted? I also don't do anything exciting to my hair. Sometimes I mousse it when the weather is terrible and won't support the curls. But that is also sticky, gross and takes time when I could be relaxing. curling my hair also requires extra showering because my hair has to be wet. straightening takes far too long, requires standing in a weird position, and is also a bother.
Underwear seems to be a good marker. How shiny -are- the panties? How bust-enhancing or fashionable is the bra? How well do the two match?
But then there's things like. My newfound love of heeled shoes. The way I stand proudly upright, to show off my figure. The way I'm wearing my mother's soft, silky old nightgown with the torn lace along the edges. It reminds me that I cannot escape the parts of me that are strong. That are from her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)