fingers, ugh.

Dana cut her right index finger. Sad! And it's her good hand, too! There was an accident with the meat slicer at work, and the first thing I asked when I got there to drive her to the walk in clinic was, "did you cut it off or just cut it? She assured me that it was just a flap. I won't lie, it's a pretty bad cut that required four stitches and a tetanus shot, but luckily her uninsured self is indeed insured by worker's compensation law. thank god. the doctor who stitched her up could have been queer, but there wasn't any hard evidence. thankfully everything was free, including the script for pain meds -- which means... We got free darvocet! Hah! Not that I would ever break the law and take someone else's prescription. *wink*

We went to see the local vaudeville/burlesque show Saturday night, which was pretty great. It was a little too zombie-centric and I'm really not into the living dead so I was disappointed by that. But there were lots of cute girls in bras and underwear and lots and lots of lesbians. woo! I should say, though, the drinks at this particular club are awful. If you're not getting a shot or a beer, don't even waste your money. Worst cosmopolitan I've ever had, with the exception of the one time the old man behind the bar though a cosmopolitan was vodka and grenadine. Nope! Try again.

There was even one who was about the size, shape and age of Crave and it made me miss her a little bit. I'm ever so fond of her girl-boyness. Crave and I are spirits that speaks the same language, sometimes we chance to meet in a forest clearing where the sun shines down and we share precious few words together. I don't think even we know why or by what means we are so drawn to each other. Strangers.

It was nice to have a date with Dana, to be out and about in public. In the morning I have sooo much homework to do, and I am not looking forward to it. Whoever decided that college should be so much work? Am I just a slacker? I mean. I only work 35 hours a week, but I still feel overwhelmed by all the homework. Blegh. Of course it is women's studies - notorious for tons and tons of mostly redundant, although very interesting, articles and books. We shall see.

Miss you all dearly! Love and kissies!

Crash Landing

I've been on the go since I got back from the workshop. Not a day to myself until today. But the unraveling process couldn't wait until I had a peaceful day off. No. I've been unraveling since I "crash" landed home. I had to go to work that same day, and the next day, and the day after that. Then, on Saturday we got up early and went to the pride parade and did fun things all day. Sunday I went to church and then cooked for four freaking hours for Dana's surprise birthday party (which went off with nary a hitch!). Yesterday I had to work, and then Dana kinda had it out over Crave. A lot of it had to do with misunderstandings, and some of it has to do with the fact that we are still fairly new to one another and we are still cultivating a sense of security with one another. It was hard.

This morning, though. She said, "I'm sorry you miss Crave" (as in, "I'm sorry it hurts") and she said "I'm sorry she doesn't feel the same way for you as you feel for her" (as in, again, "I'm sorry it hurts") -- It's true. It's hurting a lot.

Today I am in hot pursuit of change. I had a massage from Crave last Monday and something snapped inside me. For several years I've had a tentative plan to attend massage school. This time with Crave, I understood that the healing power of massage can have so much to do with emotions, spirit, and mind. Before, it had always been about the physical. To get me started in the right direction, I bought a massage textbook to work through over the next few months, and I also started looking up different massage schools. If I stay in Florida I'll have to do 600 hours of class. If I go to New York state, I'll have to do 1000 hours, but I'll be able to practice anywhere. NY will also offer me the change of scenery that I need. I don't have to stay there forever, but I could use that as a runway to someplace else.

My fluttering Gemini heart needs change to survive, and I've been doing the same damn thing for way too long. (Funny. A year seems like such a long time. One day I'll really have to settle down.)

Westward Fever

I've been catching Westward Fever. Gradually, but surely. Late last year some time Kay and Ash started planning on going out west. Portland, specifically. Sol and Autumn had also planned a trek toward the Pacific. I wasn't so keen on the idea at first, but the South has been sneaking further and further out of my good graces, what with the anti-intellectualism and anti-feminist harrassment of my university administrators. Not to mention the outright racism of Southern people, and the local government's neglect and mishandling of social justice problems.

The whole time I was visiting Crave, she was planning for a scouting trip with her best friend, up and down the West coast to decide on a city, or a region whereto relocate. I'm totally jealous and I want to go with them in a bad way. Of course I can't, but I can dream from home. I've been looking up Portland on the internet, and dreaming about Seattle this afternoon and I'm totally hooked. I mean, I don't want to leave the South and join all the other intellectuals in a safe haven wherein to huddle, hoping that the rest of the country will start tagging along, but I'm no Jesus, I'm no Mother Theresa. I am not here to save the world, I can simply look out for myself and the ones I love.

The earliest I would be able to go out West is probably May of next year, which is hopefully when I will graduate with my WST degree (if, that is, my university stops cancelling classes and thwarting feminist thought). Maybe by then, if I have and keep this goal to move, I will be stable enough financially to pick up and make this profound change to my life. Moving Westward will also mean massage school. I've been really wanting to go to massage school for probably 3-4 years now, ever since Kay came back into my life and she showed my the wonders of body work. I am ready for the fulfilling work of healing people. It is indeed my heart's desire, and my soul's basic purpose.

Crave, in Jersey this time

Well, kids, my plane going into Georgia from Newark was delayed by two full hours so I had to miss my connection to Florida and sleep overnight in the airport. Not a fun thing. If nothing else, though, that gave me plenty of time to process. The journal I've been working on has been slow going but I think I wrote about ten pages. My visit with Crave was overall very good. I met her at work on Sunday night, bleary eyed and floating outside my body. We grabbed some supper at a diner in Jersey and went back to her place. It was overall a pleasant evening. We relaxed and spent some time watching a video about affirmations and positive thought. It dawned on my that this what I spend so much of my time trying to drill into people. When you speak, things happen, so choose your words precisely with that in mind.

Dana was a bit worried on Sunday night because she knows how much Crave had affected me on our last visit, but you know you can't predict the future from the past. We were very content to keep a friendly physical distance.

Crave, to me, is a kindred spirit, she is a bosom friend from another lifetime, lord knows how long ago. Crave is precious to me.

Since she's an MT, I had a massage the night before I left her, mostly to work out the knots from just having been tied-up-and-dragged-around-on-the-floor at the workshop Sunday. But she incorporated some energy healing into the massage - a welcome practise. As she worked on my back, it felt like she had opened up holes, drains in my back to release a lot of stuff I've been hanging onto. When I turned over they closed back up again. I was fine, I was doing great until she left the room so I could get up and it happened again. A wash of healing tears fell out of me and I melted. I guess I wasn't really upset with anything i particular, but she somehow locates my stuck places exactly and knows how to open them.

No one makes me cry like that. No one. I am not one to be crying at the drop of a hat, but I feel so free to be vulnerable around Crave. She invites healing and I guess that's how my body heals.

There's more to write but I gatta run to work. I'm back in my body, but I still feel upside down in it. I need some quiet time.

Workshop preparations

In about sixteen hours I'll be on my way to the airport to make another pilgrimage to the Center of the Universe (a.k.a. New York City!). So freaking excited.

I'll be staying in a hotel in the Financial District for the first two nights, and then for the rest of the time I'll be in Jersey with Crave. Say what? Crave? Yep. I'm super excited to see her and I've been talking things over with Dana and we both seem to feel fairly settled about it. At least Dana says she's glad to have me spend more time with Crave. I hesitate to believe her, but she's convinced me so far.

Getting to see Crave brings up so many emotions for me. I'm afraid that I'll just feel like crying when I see her. I'm afraid that the connection we forged in January will have faded by now, with time and distance between us. But at the same time Crave seems just as eager to see me as I am to see her. I'll be meeting up with her Sunday evening after the workshop ends. I'm hoping she'll be up for a late supper.

As far as the Power, Surrender and Intimacy workshop goes, I'm a bit apprehensive, yet totally flipped out with excitement. I want to be ready for anything, but things don't always work out that way. I wish bravery could be automatic, but it's not always. I'm afraid of being nude in front of even such open and generous women.

Mostly I'm afraid of fear.

But I'll have several familar faces there. Sinclair and the coordinator, the workshop facilitator Alex Jade. Perhaps there will be others. So I'm planning on tasting divinity and witnessing miracles. I plan on being a beam of clean white light. I plan on being fierce.



In other news, I've settled on the fact that although I love to get people off, my resting state of energy is indeed the bottom. I crave to draw desire and dominance from lovers and others. I delight in the moment where they lunge toward me, overcome by want.

TMFT

I'm sorry that it has been nearly a week now since I last posted, but I have had some interesting developments lately. First of all, I'm completely flipped out and ecstatic about the PSI coming up. Secondly, I have to see the oh bee gee why en! in the morning. Thankfully Dana will be with me. I was there when she had her visit a couple weeks ago - she was a little nervous but it went perfectly well. I'm not excited about the cold ducklips, but I am excited to start revisiting the treatment of my PCOS. It has been a long time since I thought seriously on it, and tried to see about resolving some of the issues. I basically stopped getting my period several years ago and I went through a grieving period. Now, I live with a 3 year old, and I'm perfectly content to be child free for the rest of my life. I mean. I'll probably change my mind later in life. Whatevs.

Also, Dana and I met up with the famous Essin' Em for some sun bathing and mixed drinks by the pool. She was in South Florida vacationing with her family and we had the privilege of rescuing her from TMFT (too much family time) for a little bit of debauchery. I've had some writer's block and I can't remember everything, but suffice to say that at one point the tables had turned. Dana was tied up to the end of the bed with me straddling her hips and Em was flogging my back and Dana's legs. That was the highlight of my night, unless you count Dana fucking me as I reclined into Em's embrace. Woohoo!

Dana had a little bit of a hard time afterwards trying to come to terms with the fact that it was okay to have fun with another girl, and that it's okay to think another girl is pretty, even though she's with me. Today she is doing much better. Remember how I was with Crave? She had a case of those same blues but it was milder and went away quicker.

On the drive home from the Atlantic coast (we live on the Gulf coast) we talked about all the highlights, and we asked "was it ok when i ...?" and "did you like it when i ...?" I think we might have finally converted Dana - whee! I told her she could pick the next one :P

My housing situations is feeling better and better - I split my time between Dana's apartment and mine. The child is perfectly charming... except I think I caught his first-week-of-preschool cold. Ugh. Toddler sniffles!

crave - reflections

I wasn't planning to want more of Crave in my life. That wasn't part of the agreement, this is definitely unexpected - to want more. I expected to be satisfied. I expected to be ok with never meeting again. I wasn't thinking that maybe Crave would be important. I didn't think I would ever want more.

But I do. Not a lot, not too much, but more.

so. I halve it. I take a measure of desire and throw half of it away, wasted. so that I will not want too much. Because desire makes people forget themselves, captivated.

I'm so far away. Crave is so far away.
She's looking for little fluffy clouds.
Little fluffy clouds in the Arizona sky.
I've been there. I've been to that sky.

And I want it back.

It's better to say things aloud than to bottle them up inside, remember? So I'm saying them aloud, letting the effervescence escape through the bottle's neck and out the top.

water water

Update. Crave. I forgot to mention that when we were making out upstairs in her friend's winter house, she took a sip of water, pressed her lips to mine, and let the water find its way into my mouth. Some of it dripped down my cheek and onto my neck, the bed. I've never done that before... interesting. More than once she did this. What's the allure? The pressing of lips together, the surprise? Hmm.

Crave - Connect

Featured in Sugasm #117.

I don't really know where to begin or end this. I think the reason my experience with Crave was so overwhelming was because there has not been that emotional/spiritual connection with my previous sexual experiences. It had simply been bodies together. I still feel so grateful.

Crave arrived in my town Friday morning to see her friends who own an extra house down here. They had supper and went bar hopping in the club district. I got out of work early and met them down there, right about the time that the bars were threatening "last call." The first time I hug someone, I always get a sense of how well I will get along with them. When they hugged me, I knew I was among friends. When I hugged Crave, our spirits said "hello" to each other, I think. Because of the late hour, we went back to their house to wind down. Sipping on chambord, I sat next to her - then close to her - then with her - entangled in her. I was reading her face and running my fingers along her pant legs until everyone seemed to be retiring. She seemed to be going to rest, too so I started fishing through my purse looking for lip balm, trying not to invite myself upstairs.

"Danger" - she smiled. She calls me danger, she called me up to the room. Upstairs we talked, lounging in a spacious spare bedroom. I lay close to her, talking to a woman I've never met before, a friend from a previous life. I wish I could remember what she said right before she kissed me the first time. She's a biter, my bottom lip was so red. I remember being a suggestive, lewd little girl. I hope that it was not too much. I hope she would believe me that my bark is worse than my bite. She did, eventually.

It was early Saturday morning by this time. I hooked my left leg up between her legs, rocking and leaning forward, I kissed her and we moved together. We took off my shirt and I presented a feast of breast and skin. I had already decided at that time that I like her smile, her beautiful hazel eyes, and a mess of short rock star hair on top. Her hips and belly enveloped by softness and sweet. I held with my right hand, that place just above the hip. I kissed it. The softness and sweet. Lingering above her, with her lips and tongue searching out my flesh, she kissed - sucked - bit - that tender place right between my breasts and made a beautiful mark that has already vanished. I wish it could stay there forever.

Six a.m. came too soon and we crashed. I couldn't sleep. The light was streaming in the windows and I was so near to another person, a stranger. When I'm asleep with someone else, I wake up off and on to look at them in wonder. By eleven I finally convinced her to flutter open her eyes. Someone pounded on the door. "who is it?" we asked, and one silly friend or another said, "Rent's due!" We had a late breakfast, five world weary women, we ventured out into the grey day.

After breakfast at a diner, Crave and I intended to get me back to my place to change and get ready to go to the beach. I let her drive, we dropped off a friend and enjoyed the drive over to the opposite side of town. Unfortunately (or... fortunately) we found my apartment too inviting. We were still quite tired and headed to bed for a "nap."

Yeah, right.

I would have enjoyed some shut eye, but I couldn't let her lie there sleeping when I had her all to myself. The kissing started again, but the details on that are fuzzy.

In the beginning, she remembered my red ropes I've been bragging about. She first tied the ropes loose to my hands and slung them around her waist - embraced. She shoved my tight tank top over my breasts, exposing them to her. Feasting, once again, she touched and kissed my belly. "I need words of affirmation," with everything being so new, it was nice to hear her say kind words about my body. I've loved my body for a long time, I just never really knew if anyone else agreed with me. With my arms around her waist, I pressed my hands into her back, reaching for her ass. Then, she tied them closer, above my head. I swear. This woman has the smoothest, most slippery tongue I have ever tasted. I can't even think of a food to compare it to because even the inside of a peach is coarse compared to this.

She untied my hands. With our legs intertwined, Crave touched, tasted, smelled, and soothed my body, this body that has been aching for touch. She asked me what my body wanted, she told me, "well... my pussy wants to be on yours." She asked if that would be okay. I nodded yes. It was very, definitely okay. The positioning is not easy, though. All I really remember about it is how deliciously slick and warm it was to have her cunt touching mine. I felt very light (light - happy, airy, illumined) in that moment.

She repositioned again, opened me up and took my left leg against her shoulder. Reaching down, she brushed my labia with her hand, exploring the folds and curves, and before I knew it she had one finger inside me, still rocking back and forth. And then there were two fingers. Then, I felt a third one gingerly touching my bum. She pushed it in slowly. Damn, that really hit the spot. That was exactly what I needed to relax. She didn't even ask - and I still don't know why she didn't ask, but I totally loved it. Not long after, she asked for my fingers. I protested - I don't know how on earth to do that! But it was easy. One, just one, not too far in, just enough to be felt. I was totally embarrassed by the knocking of my bed on the wall (note to self: make sure the bed isn't flush with the wall next time) but I have never felt that good before! She hovered over me, thrusting her fingers in and out of me, fucking. We went at it like this for awhile until her breath peaked and her body slowed and she rested for a bit. "you can still hold me..."

I don't understand how one can get off without a lot of stimulation. I'm certainly no pro at getting the girls off but I could tell from the expression on her face that she really enjoyed how it felt to have her fingers crammed into my soaked cunt. I remember her saying, at the time, how pleasurable it was, how nice my pussy felt on her hand. What a compliment. I'm still beaming. I'm disappointed that I can't remember exact words. I think I cried out a lot of the memories.

Finally, she dove into my pussy. Even now, I'm at a loss for words to describe this. I know I felt tongue on my labia, teasing. I felt that smooth tongue on my clit. She kept saying how hard it was. Hmm. This is where I started feeling nervous because I'd already had sex with Autumn a couple days before and I had been frustrated that I couldn't come for her, and here I am with this lovely woman who's being so sweet and wonderful and I'm getting the performance anxiety again. Crave didn't deserve for me to be all anxious. "You can do it, sweetie, just relax." She pulled my legs off the bed, with my hips just at the edge and put that polished tongue back on my clit, and she sucked and massaged for a long time. It was good. So good. And it had already been so good before that point that I started to feel so very satisfied, even though I hadn't actually come at all. I didn't need to. I was very pleased.

Crave crawled up next to me and snuggled me, but it was only a few minutes, a few silent minutes before I started crying. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't exactly joyous either. I tried not to cry, I tried really hard, but when she told me it was okay to cry, I couldn't help it anymore. "I'm sorry, I'm not sad..." She started crying too, seeing my tears. Quietly. She told me I was like the girl before, the one that had been wrong. I felt that she was carrying a lot of hurt. In a lull, where the tears had begun to dry up, I felt it all fall on me, the pain she carried fell on that place between my breasts where she had made her mark (on the green / heart chakra - the one for self acceptance and integration of opposites) and I was overwhelmed once again. Here, she realized I wasn't dangerous. She realized that I'm just a baby.

"a baby lover"

I'm writing this almost a week after I first met her, trying to describe our encounter and I still feel the weight of the experience on me. We cried for a long time, and then I let her alone to think and write. I went out into the living room and cried on the couch some more. I tried to have a snack but I couldn't decide on something. I drew a hot bath with jasmine oil, as hot as I could stand. The energy in my body was so focused and condensed in my core, I needed the hot, hot water to disperse it across my skin. After a few minutes, she knocked. "come in" I was glad to see her face, and look in her hazel eyes. We talked for a bit. She had spoken to her friends in town, and discovered that they, a couple, had also cried that day, overwhelmed with emotion. I felt reassured.

She brought me my towel and we dressed for dinner, exhausted, we went for sushi at a little Japanese restaurant by the university. After driving home in the rain and sharing a beer, we fell asleep around eleven - exactly 12 hours after we got up. I have not rested so deeply in a long time. She woke me at nine, wanting to get back to the other side of town to share another meal with her friends. I set the French press and we sat on the couch enjoying good, strong coffee in the sunlight that the sky finally let loose. On the sun's day. This is where she tickled me. I've been known to punch people who tickle me, but it didn't offend me, as it normally does. I kinda liked it, and felt totally adored.

Crave is slightly shorter than I am, quite a bit smaller than I am, but I felt very small around her. She's ten years and four months older than me, an honest and respectful person. She spent the weekend in cords and t-shirts, relaxed. She kissed me goodbye at my car after lunch with her crew and lounging around at the house until they were ready to leave for the airport. I could have gone with them, to see them off, but I felt that our visit had come to a close. My time was up. So she kissed me and we thanked and hugged each other. As soon as their borrowed car was out of sight, I started crying again. I'd been holding it back all day. That's when I called Jennie and asked to come over for some sweet wine and a cry. It's been a long time since I cried for love. Years.

Not tragic, romantic love. At least, I don't think. But love, nevertheless.



I feel as if I've met an old friend from a previous life. I trusted her instantly, incautiously, instinctively. But now, to be honest, I don't know what to do with that connection. I want to see where it takes me, but she's gone. As you read from my poem, she left nothing. I'll just wait until our paths cross again. I hope that our next meeting is not too far off, but I will take whatever comes my way, even if I never see her hazel eyes again.

crave - poetry

she left nothing
by which i could remember her
not a trace
not an echo
not the outline of her
body in my bed
where little deaths
brought new life
she left no note
no crumpled paper
from her pocket

i keep looking at my chest
where she left her mark
the bruise has faded
and all i see is shadow

i've searched my room
looking for some piece
of her, lingering
but there's nothing

today, i drink coffee from her
unwashed mug, i drink of memory
the burn of fingers on skin
the sting of teeth
biting my tender bottom lip
her hazel eyes that knew me

crave - sex

the sex part with crave is forthcoming, i pledge. it's been really hard to write, and i didn't want to post it. but i think i can now.

it's the same reason i didn't write about the workshop in october - it was so personal and so surreal, I felt like if I wrote it down then it would become a dream that I would forget upon waking up. But I know it wasn't a dream. It was real, and I'm real. So, you shall have the sex part. I'll give myself Friday as the deadline.

the strangest day

I wrote it out. Or, I started writing it. I sent it to Crave to see how she felt about it. She just said it was nice. I asked, "do you want to read it first?" - she said, "i don't have to read it first, but i would like to read it."

I've been going back and forth between wanting to post the sex part and very much wanting to keep it to myself, selfishly.

I think that's where it lands right now. I can't show it to you. It's too personal. Yes, it was good, it was so good. I've never been so satisfied before. Selfishly, I'm going to write it out, and then I'm going to read it over and over. It was the strangest day, and even if I write it out, it would be an incomplete description.

I'll think about getting around to it. Maybe I won't. But I already feel exposed and I don't feel like I can take much more.

Crave - Coexist

"I'm just trying to love you for a minute"

Crave will go down in the books.

I don't yet have words to tell you what happened. About the best sex ever, about fucking around with a beautiful stranger. About three very satisfying meals shared. About sharing with Crave a pot of good strong coffee on a sunny Sunday morning when it had been raining on Saturday night.

The rain came down
and then the sun came up.
out came the sun and dried
up all the rain... and the
itsy bitsy spider climbed
up the spout again
thirsty for water and affection.

Tonight, I read her blog entry that she wrote yesterday, sitting in my bed after we fucked/cried. I barely read through the whole thing in the living room, but when I got to the end, I stood up and came into my room to cry some more. Until just then, I had only been leaking tears and choking on words, but tonight, just now, I sobbed into my bedspread. The song I just posted started playing on my iPod, like clockwork. I haven't cried like that since my dad died. I feel like my heart is trying to break out of my chest, trying to get to hers, trying to heal.

I haven't cried since the Body Electric workshop in New York city, since the last time I was supposed to meet her and things didn't work out. I have needed to cry for a very long time. Before, the timing was all wrong. She had some things to sort out, and I had something else to learn - I had to be at the workshop and get as much out of it as I possibly could. Which I think I did.

Somehow the timing lined up. The waste bin in my room is lined on the bottom with our tissues - certainly not wasted. No. I find that since I cry very little, none of my tears are wasted on insignificant things. I don't love her romantically, I don't. But I loved her quickly - that simple love for someone simply because they are human. Simply because they are here. She said, "I'm just trying to love you for a minute" - as was I, her.

I will tell you about the fucking another time, about the love bite / bruise in the cleavage between my breasts, on my green chakra.

Chakra Four: Air, Social identity, self-acceptance
This chakra is called the heart chakra and is the middle chakra in a system of seven. It is related to love and is the integrator of opposites in the psyche: mind and body, male and female, persona and shadow, ego and unity. A healthy fourth chakra allows us to love deeply, feel compassion, have a deep sense of peace and centered-ness.

self acceptance // integration // compassion

Here are a few major themes that are pressing their weight on me.

gratefulness: I think I originally started crying because I was grateful for such worshipful sex, with no expectations except that of respect. I moved on to other things, but that has persisted over the past day. I am so very grateful to have been loved "for a minute."

healing: and I think this is mutual. That there was some kind of healing that we both offered and experienced. I have not reached that root truth yet, but I know that it will reveal itself one day soon. Some day I will attempt to do something and realize that it doesn't hurt anymore, and I will be surprised - and remember that she helped me heal. Crave really helped me heal a lot of my cunt-shame issues. You know, touch, taste, smell, appearance, that we're all so fucking insecure about. on that note...

wanted: She really made me feel wanted, desired, like I were a satisfying treat, a drink of water in a dry place. I feel like an unexpected delight. I felt that my body "hit the spot." It's a new feeling, a big feeling that I have truly never felt before.

compassion: when I saw her start to cry, when I had been crying on her chest, I felt all the weight of a lot of her difficult experiences (I have no earthly idea what all has happened, only that it has all been unfortunately bad) --- it fell on me, it fell on my chest bone and compressed me, squeezed out of me more tears, compassionate tears. When you share the burden it becomes lighter. Two people carrying something heavy will have a much easier time than one. I'm thankful that she cried with me, that I didn't have to feel embarrassed about the sudden burst of emotion.

I can't keep writing, or I will keep crying as I have done while writing this entire bit. I wanted to be okay when she left, but I went directly to Jennie's house to cry some more. We drank wine outside in the sun while I cried and talked. wine and cry. Later, as the sun went down and it got chilly again, she held my head to her bosom and we laughed and I cried some more. I went to Kay's house and cried, I talked to Autumn in Kay's spare bedroom and we kissed and I cried. I drove home sobbing. I'm still not entirely sure why I'm crying except that I'm still so thankful for just a little lovin.

I'm so grateful for these really fucking hard lessons in laughing through my tears and loving without fear. "for a minute." A long, emotional, minute. I think our spirits talked more than our voices, eyes, bodies did.

It's all so unclear to my conscious mind, but exceptionally clear to the spirit - I feel like my unconscious mind knows exactly what's going on and thinks it's perfectly fine. I'm getting there. I'm getting there.


I feel cleansed

dance card

my dance card has been filling. this week has been packed.

still talking to Sandy on the side, and sending dirty notes which thrills her to pieces, and thrills me even more that she likes them and doesn't try to change the subject like other girls have been doing.

while we did have a very relaxed afternoon together and a sweet moment outside as i was leaving, i have completely lost interest in Marian. you may have realized that i can be a bit of a bitch. if someone can't compete with me, intellectually, i get bored. there was an overly long rant tonight that exhausted my interest. she's also way too much like my brother - she has the same needs and engages the same sympathies that he engages in me. i already feel drained. check that one off the list!

Crave is coming to visit this weekend. we've agreed on no expectations, but she seems to be a fine fella so i'm sure i'll enjoy her company. she's in town for a bit to visit someone else, and as a perk! we get to do a "round 2" on the date we supposed to have in NYC in October. she answered one of my CL ads for an intelligent toppy butch. i'm pleased to have a second chance because so far, she's a jewel.

to top it all off, i've just planned a date for tomorrow night with Autumn who is "transitioning" from an ambiguous, undefined gender, gradually into something more and more masculine. i haven't seen the outcome of the haircut that has reportedly "done the trick", according to the referring friends.

Wow, three in one week! What's a girl to do? Let's just call it extracurricular activities towards my Women's Studies degree, shall we?