A brief update

My seasonal part time job wound up working me full time for nearly three weeks! Great for the money, but bad for writing and stuff. Sorry 'bout that. I gatta say, the after Christmas sales have been outrageous. I got a 5 foot Christmas tree for $17 so next year we will have a proper tree. This year Dana made a tree out of construction paper, beer caps, and little pompoms. It was darling, there are pictures, but it was not meant to weather the years unfortunately.

Monday afternoon we adopted a cat. His name is Jacques Cousteau. Don't blame me, Dana named him after our third favorite song, "Foux du Fa Fa". We had friends over for the last night of Hannukkah and as we sat on and politely requested noms, which we gladly provided to him. You should have heard the happy noise he made! It sounded like "yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!" Poor guy was so hungry. It took us awhile to figure out his sex, but after our friends left, I noticed his furry little balls, teehee!

I wanted to take him to the vet, and I was perfectly content to leave him outside until such time as I could take him to the vet. Dana used to be a pet bather, though, so she decided that we should take him right away. She brought him inside Monday afternoon, clipped his nails and gave him a bath. Later on we brought home a collar for him and flea treatment for all the animals. Tuesday I took him to the vet, who confirmed that he had no microchip and said, "I think he has adopted you!" And so he has.

It's hard to really name my Flight of the Conchords favorites, though. I mean. There's Business Time which has become an inside joke among all my beloved. And the first I ever heard was Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros ... totally hilarious. I'd say All the Ladies in the World is among the top five, as well... "lady many lady!" Speaking of beautiful girls, another fave is The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room... is that a compliment?? My personal all time favorite has got to be Inner City Pressure!


Mom came to visit for a couple of weeks, but it was a whirlwind trip for her because she was packing up my grandmother's house with her the whole time because she found a buyer. Owning two houses was too much for her (totally understandable, don't you think?) So she'll be getting a motorhome for my uncle's backyard for times when she is in this area, and she's going to be adding on to her mountain home. Grandma's a tough gal though, so they got everything finished! Dana got to meet my beloved dachshund, our childhood pet. A very sweet thing. And mom acknowledged to me that she knows I'm with Dana, and that I live with her and everything. She's not happy about it, but we've decided that if we keep everything on a very superficial level when it comes to Dana, that mom doesn't mind talking about her. She made the hominy casserole that I brought to Christmas dinner and everyone loved it - mom made a joke about D being able to cook better than I can and I can see that she's not going to spend her life crying over me. That's a good thing.

Grandma's giving us her kitchen table, a couch, and a chair - how awesome is that? We're getting ever so close to the end of Dana's lease and I'm a little nervous, but excited too. The homes in the area have decreased quite a bit in the last two months - I've found several 3BR homes renting for $800 monthly which is fantastic, so I'm hoping to snag one asap and get the hell outta this apartment complex, and out of apartment life... hopefully forever! Of course there are lots of costs involved and I'm not going to be working much... there's so much up in the air, it's crazy!

Sorry for the long rambling update. And the lack of sex. We've been so busy, tired, menstruating and having yeast infections from antibiotics because of swollen tonsils that we haven't had any wild and crazy sex. Except for that threesome... I've still forgotten to tell you about that! I'll save it for another night.

One final note, after grocery shopping, I made cream cheese cracker dip with pepper n onion relish, corn bread pudding, and an oatmeal pear crisp. Love it!

Goodnight darlings!

stressed. overstressed.

i should tell you quickly, before I rush off to work that Dana has a friend working as a technical writer / editor for a company in a neighboring metropolis and she submitted her application today since the company is looking to hire someone entry level - within ten years all of the other writers will have retired!

i was up all night wednesday night fretting over how much a hate my job. that is usually a sign that it's time to quit and go somewhere else, but at this point money has a choke hold on me. i'm good at my job, i'm a fantastic worker, but i'm missing out on my college experience, and i'm pimping out my emotions for this call center job. i feel like i'm doling out my sympathies in return for money. I'm drained.

so i called out yesterday and submitted about 15 applications online. by the way, Monster.com is full of pure bologna. I had much better luck with the other sites.

i took Dana to school with me yesterday and we put up fliers about the ex girlfriend's motorcycle which she dumped on us three months ago. we want it out of our lives now, do you hear me universe??

and i want an emotionally fulfilling job that meets me needs, dammit!

best wishes to y'all. regularly scheduled smut, gender commentary and cultural critiques will resume soon. when? I'm not exactly sure.

get free, get free of it.

had a lovely and debauchery filled birthday party for my favorite married couple tonight. It culminated in a topless dance party in the kitchen. I had a blast the whole time, but I left feeling very very low. Maybe I exhausted my supply of serotonin, maybe it is very late at night, but for whatever reason I started feeling like I was out of place the whole time and maybe I didn't know it. I didn't want to go home, I wasn't ready to leave, but by the time we left, I think it had been overdue. I have a very weak sense of boundaries and so I easily end up overstepping them with no intention of harm. I should work on that.

Sista girl needs to get free of the shame, body shame. Shape shame. This sweet sweet lady needs to know how truly valuable she is. That is the thing I hate the most, when people have poor body image and can't murder the shame. Murder it, take out back and kill your "super" - whatever that is. "super mom" "super girlfriend" "super boy" to the rescue - kill them. Because no one should have to live up to standards that other people set for them. Get free, girl, dance for your freedom. Everyone's cheering you on except for yourself.

[Edit 11:27 a.m.] My dear girlfriend explained to me that the reason I probably felt so out of place could have been because I tried the Pot for the first time. I didn't think I had had enough for it to do anything, but with the way my mood crashed, I am willing to think that is what happened. I have not had that much fun in a really long time. Wow.

least sexy post ever

Prepare yourselves for the least sexy post you will ever hear from me on this blog. If you have a weak stomach, stop reading now.


Also.
There were a lot of revisions suggested to my last post.
I will strive to live up to your standards this time.


Since Wednesday I have been experiencing indigestion and some stomach irritation. Today, I had to go home from work, lest I shit my pants at my desk chair. Needless to say, work is none too happy with me because I called out of a 5 hour shift on Thursday, and today I had to go home at my lunch break. I've never understood the way employers require such harsh attendance rules. I mean. I understand keeping bodies in the seats. But when I'm pooping my brains out, in severe pain from trying to keep all the gases and waste materials in my lower intestines instead on the floor by my desk. You know. Colds, coughs and sinus issues are so apparent on the outside, but diarrhea is best kept a secret. That means that for the past 5 days I have been trying to prove to my employer that the reason I can't come to work is because I'm pooping my brains out without any hard evidence. Impossible.

After talking with Coko, who suggested that it was IBS, I'm wondering if it is actually a physical reaction to not wanting to be at this job. I feel stuck in it, because it is an inopportune time to be looking for more work. But it is so unfulfilling, it does not take into account my numerous talents, it is positively life-sucking. Not as bad as the jobs I've had before, but a year and a half of schmoozing payments out of people for the cell phone contract they signed themselves up for, I'm done. So my body is trying to release this "stuck in my job" feeling by creating the flow of shit.

I think Dana's got the runs, too. We're going to the doctor tomorrow. And she has a job interview. Hooray!

new horizons seem so far away

I'm still not doing very well, but I took a much needed unplanned day off yesterday which helped tremendously. I was feeling ill, I was cramping, and Dana had the day off. I wanted to be with her. I spent the majority of the day basically glued to her side, requiring her affections. We had dinner with Stefanie, had a Border's run (I've been spending my excess lack of funds there a lot lately). Spent the day mostly looking for a new job on the internet, looking up massage schools in NY state, looking up job opportunities in Jersey, and generally being weepy and asking the Universe what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

I haven't written much about sex or sexuality or anything of late, and for that I hope to do some kind of penance. But sex with Dana has lately felt so very private, I have been wanting to hold it in my heart and not share it. It has been about reconnecting with her, it has been full of loving, tender touch. I have been filling my life with relaxing music, guided meditations and deep breaths. I've been trying to get to the breath of life, as it seems to have escaped me. I'm reaching for my dreams because I've put them on the back burner for a year and a half. Won't you forgive me? Life just doesn't revolve around my sex or gender right now.

not doing well.

i'm not doing well. i am feeling very heavy hearted. for some reason, very sharp fear of death has come over me. i find myself sinking into the thoughts of what it must be like to transition into the spirit world. it's almost like meditating on the nothingness that follows the something. i need to kick it out of my head, and replace it with positive thoughts about being released from the weight of this world rather than being denied my physical presence. i shouldn't even be dwelling on death at all. it snuck up on me, all of a sudden the other day when I was reading a massage therapy text book that was talking about how massage is used in hospice care.

i'm not really doing well financially either. assisting Stefanie and still taking care of myself realy ran up my credit cards and she's still paying her past due car payments, day care, and phone bills. i know things will eventually even out, but i am broke as a joke - especially after my last NY trip. before i can really make any progress in the direction of massage school, or a change of location, i will have to make a significant dent in what i owe to the gods of visa and mastercard. ugh. it's making me ill just to think on it.

i've been back to my church twice now, the last time i went was New Year's. It's nice to be able to be in a holy space (it is holy because we gather together) and center myself within the spirit of God. it does not feel empty or fake, it feels full and genuine. but i need more. my physical body needs rest and movement, my spiritual self needs to grow and become a beam of light.

Workshop preparations

In about sixteen hours I'll be on my way to the airport to make another pilgrimage to the Center of the Universe (a.k.a. New York City!). So freaking excited.

I'll be staying in a hotel in the Financial District for the first two nights, and then for the rest of the time I'll be in Jersey with Crave. Say what? Crave? Yep. I'm super excited to see her and I've been talking things over with Dana and we both seem to feel fairly settled about it. At least Dana says she's glad to have me spend more time with Crave. I hesitate to believe her, but she's convinced me so far.

Getting to see Crave brings up so many emotions for me. I'm afraid that I'll just feel like crying when I see her. I'm afraid that the connection we forged in January will have faded by now, with time and distance between us. But at the same time Crave seems just as eager to see me as I am to see her. I'll be meeting up with her Sunday evening after the workshop ends. I'm hoping she'll be up for a late supper.

As far as the Power, Surrender and Intimacy workshop goes, I'm a bit apprehensive, yet totally flipped out with excitement. I want to be ready for anything, but things don't always work out that way. I wish bravery could be automatic, but it's not always. I'm afraid of being nude in front of even such open and generous women.

Mostly I'm afraid of fear.

But I'll have several familar faces there. Sinclair and the coordinator, the workshop facilitator Alex Jade. Perhaps there will be others. So I'm planning on tasting divinity and witnessing miracles. I plan on being a beam of clean white light. I plan on being fierce.



In other news, I've settled on the fact that although I love to get people off, my resting state of energy is indeed the bottom. I crave to draw desire and dominance from lovers and others. I delight in the moment where they lunge toward me, overcome by want.

holding hands in church

I woke up this morning at ten minutes to ten and decided that I wanted to go to church. I've been out of the habit for such a long time and it is difficult to get back into the habit, but Dana was pleased to go with me so that I would not be there alone. My church is the type that seems to change faces about every three to six months, so going there again is like meeting new people all over again, but I have never regretted getting up early to go and praise God in the presence of other believers. My church is comprised of mostly the tattooed, pierced and dyed hair variety of reform minded Christians who are concerned with social justice issues, responsible politics, and bringing help to those in need. Funny - that's exactly what Jesus was all about, but you don't see most Christians trying to do that. They're just trying to get their quota of church days per year fulfilled.

I don't talk about religion much on her first because it's a touchy subject, secondly because sometimes I'm not sure how much I can say without using overly religious jargon, and thirdly because this is a sex blog and sometimes it can be difficult to show how the two can be so intertwined. But they are. Religion and sexuality have always been closely linked). It's time that we queer people (generally, people who feel alienated by religion, not just queers) start taking back our relationships with the root energy. Please, do me and yourselves a favor, and seek out that root energy, god, goddess, whatever. Regardless of what other people say or do to you, whether it is at home, or in a place of worship, or with a few committed people, seek out your spiritual origin and take it back from thieves. You deserve to be connected.

I introduced Dana to one of my pals, Kyle, "This is my girlfriend, Dana" - she was skipping over to our snack table to get something to drink. "So how long have you been together?" he asked. I told him since about March, and he said that's how long he and his girl had been together. We held hands standing and sitting during the service, and my thoughts were confirmed. This is not an affirming church, by any means, but I can be myself without fear of condemnation or rejection. I'm so pleased that a year and a half after committing to love myself regardless of my gayness, that I can fuck my girlfriend at night and go to church with her the next morning and not feel guilt. Things are settling in my heart. The opening song of our music set was based upon Psalm 23, God's promise of help in troubling times.

The Lord is my shepherd and caretaker
I shall enjoy goodness of life
He teaches me to rest in flourishing green pastures
He directs me to waters of refreshment
He revives my spirit
He guides me to paths that keep me close to him
So that my life will honor him.

Although I walk through valleys of darkness,
Evil cannot intimidate me, You, God are with me,
You strength of defense encourages me.
You prepare lavish feasts for me, despite my enemies.
You have made me the honored guest of your house
You have provided for me with abundance.

Because of you, I know that goodness and mercy
will pursue me for the rest of my life.
I will linger in your house throughout the years.

TMFT

I'm sorry that it has been nearly a week now since I last posted, but I have had some interesting developments lately. First of all, I'm completely flipped out and ecstatic about the PSI coming up. Secondly, I have to see the oh bee gee why en! in the morning. Thankfully Dana will be with me. I was there when she had her visit a couple weeks ago - she was a little nervous but it went perfectly well. I'm not excited about the cold ducklips, but I am excited to start revisiting the treatment of my PCOS. It has been a long time since I thought seriously on it, and tried to see about resolving some of the issues. I basically stopped getting my period several years ago and I went through a grieving period. Now, I live with a 3 year old, and I'm perfectly content to be child free for the rest of my life. I mean. I'll probably change my mind later in life. Whatevs.

Also, Dana and I met up with the famous Essin' Em for some sun bathing and mixed drinks by the pool. She was in South Florida vacationing with her family and we had the privilege of rescuing her from TMFT (too much family time) for a little bit of debauchery. I've had some writer's block and I can't remember everything, but suffice to say that at one point the tables had turned. Dana was tied up to the end of the bed with me straddling her hips and Em was flogging my back and Dana's legs. That was the highlight of my night, unless you count Dana fucking me as I reclined into Em's embrace. Woohoo!

Dana had a little bit of a hard time afterwards trying to come to terms with the fact that it was okay to have fun with another girl, and that it's okay to think another girl is pretty, even though she's with me. Today she is doing much better. Remember how I was with Crave? She had a case of those same blues but it was milder and went away quicker.

On the drive home from the Atlantic coast (we live on the Gulf coast) we talked about all the highlights, and we asked "was it ok when i ...?" and "did you like it when i ...?" I think we might have finally converted Dana - whee! I told her she could pick the next one :P

My housing situations is feeling better and better - I split my time between Dana's apartment and mine. The child is perfectly charming... except I think I caught his first-week-of-preschool cold. Ugh. Toddler sniffles!

Women's PSI - I'm bound for NYC

Women's Power, Surrender & Intimacy in New York City, June 20-22

After an absence of several years this powerful exploration into the nature of trust, exquisite attention and heightened sensations returns. Join with like-minded women who are ready to go beyond the life ordinary.

In a grounded, respectful container discover and clarify edges of liberation, empowerment and embodiment. Learn to recognize aspects of yourself that are continually engaged in power dynamics, and hence become more choiceful about how you can share power with compassion and skill. Led by Alex Jade.

I am absolutely thrilled to be going to the Body Electric School's course on Power, Surrender and Intimacy! I've been searching for a plane ticket and sorting things out at work and at home - It's time to hit the road again. Of course you will all be aware of my true need for travel and adventure and this weekend trip hits the spot - a sexuality workshop that promises to take me "beyond the life ordinary."

I have work off, and I don't have to come back until Tuesday night so I have all day Monday to gallavant around town! Hoorah! I'm truly excited to exercise my bottomy tendencies and explore the power of give-and-take, and that delicate balance of consent. Wahoo!

change of the tide

This morning I signed a least with my psuedo cousin for 13 months. This is seriously permanent. The place I moved into is really not what I'm looking for, and all I have to do is forfeit my $300 deposit to be able to move out. It's not worth my money to stay the rest of the 3 months left on my lease. I did this because my cousin, Stefanie had a minor snafu with the law, after getting kicked out of her mom's house, and she has since been staying with me. Well, my landlord who is also my housemate (oh the joys of subleasing from strangers!) has been allowing her to stay with me on the condition that she pay $250 by the 15th. The government was willing to pay the money but he refused to sign any document stating that she was allowed to stay in MY bedroom until 3/31 so the funds could not be released. He called me at work, rather than telling Stef - he wants her out by Wednesday (which is illegal by the way, you can't kick anyone out with less than 7 days notice, apparently.)

I decided yesterday that I didn't like the living situation either. They are very unclean people, especially for people with fluid borne diseases, as I have discussed before. They have sex in the shower and then Stefanie doesn't feel comfortable washing the baby in there. On top of that, they want her out because they don't like the baby being there. My room is too small for me, the landlord keeps telling her a different story than he tells me, and they keep having big fights where the cops get called. After speaking with the landlord yesterday, I decided that it was so over.

So in yesterday afternoon I marched myself down to the leasing office where Dana lives and got the applications, filled them out, had my credit approved, and chose a one bedroom with a den. I spend most of my time here anyway, and I'd like to be able to decorate my own place with my own stuff and not have to feel like I'm bothering someone else. The government assistance is providing a moving truck for Stefanie so most of my stuff can hopefully go in there, and she's going to work on getting assistance for our utilities. I feel very peaceful about it. Last night I tossed and turned and tossed and turned and I couldn't get right about which unit I wanted, but we went to see them again this morning and the choice was clear.

Now, to furnish an apartment on a very small income, with me carrying most of the finances. Where there's a will, there's a way, and it shall be done! I feel so free!

i always cry at weddings but not because they are sweet

This afternoon one of my spiritual brothers is getting married to a girl that he's crazy in love with. I want to go, I truly want to go, to support my brother and to express to him my joy that he has found someone with whom he can share the struggles and triumphs of life. But I really can't.

I can't because I'll have to answer to probably 50 people about where my career in world missions went. They're going to wonder where spreading the "gospel of peace" went. It went back into my mouth after I had said it, down my throat and deep into my heart where I knew that the gospel of peace that brought salvation to hungry souls comes from the love that we harbor for ourselves and others.

Even the person on whom I had the most influence on during my globe-trotting spells didn't "receive christ" necessarily. What she received was the gift of knowing that she was valuable. I showered her with gifts and I listened to her concerns and genuinely tried to understand where she was coming from. When I left her, she knew that someone had loved her, if only for a moment, someone had loved her enough to turn the mirror of her self-acceptance upright, where some heart-shaking typhoon had blown it down. I showed herself to her again in a different light, hoping to bring her back to the origin of her salvation.

I think I did.

But I can't bear the thought of going to this wedding in exactly 1 hour. I'm going to feel so incredibly anxious. I'm going to want to tell them all the good news - that I have a beautiful girlfriend who appreciates me, a sometimes-handsome girl who knows how to bring me back to the origin of my salvation. I already want to, but my respect for my mother holds me back. Her fragile understanding of my way of life keeps her from telling our spiritual family. I'm not telling these people outright because she is still holding on to the hope that maybe it really is just a "phase" (yeah - a 10 year phase? right.) or maybe I'm really just bisexual and one day I'll meet a really nice boy... And you know what, I could just say "fuck you all, I'm doing my own thing" but that's not my style. I'd rather people know where I'm coming from, to see things from my heart's perspective rather than being flippant aout the ways in which I come out to people. My mother has done nothing but love me from the bottom of her heart. She has deserved the respect that I give her, and so while it may look like an easy out - just show up looking like a big dyke and talk nothing but queer politics for the entire wedding reception! - that's not how I am going to handle things, and it's not just because I'm nervous abotu saying it. I'm concerned about saying it the right way.

In the meantime, I plan to talk recipes with my chefly girlfriend and enjoy the meals that I am scheming up for her. Last night it was spaghetti - i sauteed the chicken, onions, garlic, mushrooms and fresh basil and oregano myself - with toast and pesto, and a dessert of chocolate mini cakes, strawberries sauteed in wine and brown sugar, and whip. Tonight we're looking at chicken spring rolls, jasmine rice and beef stir fry, and then tomorrow night I might do Mexican. Because my beautiful girlfriend, a graduate of Johnson and Wales University, deserves good food cooked at home, with portions that swell with my love for her.

expanding and contracting

Since the beginning of the year I've been expanding. Growing. Spiritually, like a rubber band, i've been expanding, stretching, expanding, stretching.

At the CBE we talked about expanding and contracting. Sometimes you endure so much growth and then something hits you, some reality check snaps your tension and you contract back to where you started. Or maybe not all the way back, but you lose some of the tension...

And that's what's been happening to me. I had expanded so much because of my experiences with Autumn, Crave and Erin and I didn't give myself much space in between to recover. I'm not going to lie, you have to understand that before 2008, I only had one other sexual experience which involved anyone besides myself...

I don't know what made my tension go loose, but it has. Perhaps all the pressure of my mother being ill, locating suitable housing, trying and failing to keep up in school, switching to a new work schedule... It just seems like it's either all or nothing. Either life is peaceful or chaotic - can't find a manageable middle ground... I know I'll regain my elasticity, but I'm feeling deflated.

down the long hall toward the O. R.

So, update on the fam. My one remaining parent and my one remaining grandparent are both having surgery in two different states on the same day. Which is today, Friday, leap day, 2008. They're going down my mother's throat for some reason, to fix a slipped disc in her neck, in her spine - something's slipped off her puppet strings and she's weak. Grandma has a slew of gall stones in her gall bladder and throughout. Is it so many years of black coffee, at least 3 cups before noon every single day since coffee was rationed, since we were not a wealthy family and one time Grandma fed her husband and four children with a big sack of potatoes. For a month. The telephone company went on strike and my Grandpa was in the union. 3 cups of coffee before noon, and coffee until lunchtime. In the afternoons she switches to water, and at dusk she switches to wine and starts it all over in the morning.

coffee
water
wine

So, these, my two non-feminist feminists - my grandmother, until recently, approaching 74, has been mowing yards, hillsides, murdering weeds with a machete, built a house after grandpa went on. Will not tolerate disrespect. my mother who left my father after years of manipulation, control and calling her an idiot [imagine! she still thinks she's not very smart!] She left him in tears because he finally realized that she didn't meet his standards, but as we visited him in the hospital, in the cardiac ICU 5 years after he divorced her, he realized that she surpassed all of his expectations. He lost the most special gift that life had ever given him. He was her friend, but that's all she allowed. He had not earned her love, but she gave it to him anyway.

My mothers are sick, and I can't be with them. I think it's outrageous that my employer will not grant me leave time to see them. It's a great company, sure, and if it were the parents of someone in management, you wouldn't see their face any day that a family member were ill. Nosirree.

And my homework is piling up, but there's too much on plate... There's just too much on my plate...

heartbeat can't catch up, parched my singing cave,
i ripple down hill in search of cold water.

help, finally

My mom's uncle and aunt are going to drive up to take care of her. they live about 4 hours away and she hasn't seen them in a really long time. Yay! I knew we would figure out something, I was about ready to buy a plane ticket and take to the skies but I called her this morning and told me they would come help. They didn't know whether they should go see my mom or my grandmother, but my grandma told them she had plenty of help, to go help my mom. I'm so thankful for family, I can't believe I never even though of them driving up to help! They're very friendly people and the dog will love them, too.

Can someone call me and wake me up tomorrow at 11 a.m. to make sure I'm awake? It's my first day on my new earlier schedule and I'm afraid I'm going to sleep in! I slept in today and missed my class!

oh momma

I wish my mother would get some help. As far as I know, she hasn't told a soul that I'm gay, in this whole year that I have been decidedly out to her. She needs some safe space to cry so that she isn't doing it alone in her little house on a mountaintop. She told me she had a little break down on Valentine's day about me - all that means is that she cried about it. Which is good, sure that's great, but she's having a lot of trouble with it and she won't admit it to me. She's trying not to hurt my feelings, trying to be supportive supermom who's totally unphased by the numerous crazy schemes of her children. I suggested she talk to her best friend, who is like my aunt. Even though that's scary for me, I'd rather she have someone she trusts know, than maybe someone she doesn't. She's not taking care of herself in that way. She's bottling it up inside and there's nothing that I can do about it.

There's also nothing that I can do about the fact that she is going to have surgery soon and I can't be there to help her. I mean, I could use up all the rest of my paid time off that I have worked so hard to save up so I can go to michfest in august (so far I have just under 3 days to use). And that is a small price to pay, but it's also going to cost me $400 for a flight there and back. This is why I didn't want her living alone in a little cabin on the mountain with no one to keep her company. My grandmother was going to go, but she is having a very sudden surgery for gall stones and some kind of abdominal mass (could just be inflammation but they won't know until they go in and look). I don't have $400 to drop just like that. My rewards airline doesn't fly to where she lives, and since she lives in a tiny little town, you can't get there by plane, you have to fly to the next closest international airport. Apparently no one else can do it, which I find hard to believe, but she swears it's true. and she doesn't want to get a nurse because it'll cost her money and the person probably won't walk PJ.

It's going to snow soon.

Dear the Universe, two things, Health for my mom and grandma please, and then some help finding someone to stay with mom after her surgery - someone that she will trust, who will be very kind to her when she is in pain, and who will take the dog for walks and make her generally feel well taken care of - not something she feels very often, she's like me, a do-it-yourself type of gal... <3

reconcile

My best friend, T, and I have been together now for 11 years, this past Fall. We grew into women together. We met in jr. high and were virtually inseparable - in spirit, although we could not always be close physically - throughout high school. We have not always been as emotionally intimate as we once were, as in year 8 when you did not see one without the other. We went to her church together, we went to my church together, we participated in campus religious groups together - the works. The only thing that I have really ever kept from her has been my journey to accept myself as a lesbian. We've talked about it every few years, briefly. I think I talked to her about it when I left my fine arts high school, while I was in search of salvation from the Gay. We talked about it again in early 2005 as I was preparing to go to start bible school. But since then? nada.

Lately I've been looking for a roommate and she has tried to be so very helpful, suggesting friends of hers. But the problem is that all of her friends are also religious. They live 6-to-a-house in the inner city as activism, to put themselves purposefully where no one wants to be, to seek change. And all of that is good. But their ministry and their faith is quite adamantly exclusive of homosexual relationships. According to their interpretation of the Book, no means no. Obviously my lifestyle doesn't allow me much room to hide my grand affairs with the (now various) women who have shared a "bountiful beauty" with me lately. None of these potential roommates would be good for me.

But how do I tell this to my best friend, when all along I have been leading people to believe that it is something mutable, that I'm "working on it." She is one of those people who knew of my affection for women, but it was under the condition that I would not act on my desires. According to the Christian ideologies, the desire itself is not the problem, it is the actions that cause you to sin. There's that word, such a taboo. Sin.

I have not altogether abandoned my faith in God, how can I, when it is so integral to who I am as a person? To forget my Christian upbringing would be a mistake because it has brought me tremendous peace. While my queerness is not mutable, my Christian beliefs are. Before I even decided to come out, I researched different interpretations of the Book, and I saw that there is more than one lens. To put it another way, I simply had to turn the kaleidescope to one side and the picture changed. The principles of Love and Purity remained fixed, but the definitions and the examples shifted. I saw myself as acceptable.

Not everyone can stand or understand the idea of turning the kaleidescope - that's the problem. In the early days, Christians talked about, debated, asked questions. Now, we simply listen to pastors and ministers and believe what they say without looking into it ourselves. In the early days of Islam there was the concept of ijtihad - a practice of reasoning, of dissent and debate. Well that free thinking got shut down by the powers that were when something caused a stir and it's been that way ever since - blind belief, without question authority.

Perhaps the most important thing that I have been able to implement in my life, that shapes the way I interact with Christians, is that God speaks to me. God speaks to us. Ask Him, and he will speak to you. What is more true? What God said to someone else, or what God says to you? God says to me - "you're my beloved, before I do anything else with you, I love you." That is reassurance enough for me to believe that that if I start veering off "the path of righteousness" (the way of love, integrity, and persistent pursuit of truth) then He will steer me in the right direction (and I will allow Him to do so). It is assurance of safety.

God loves persistently, doggedly, unwaveringly. And that is the purpose of His people, to love without expectations, to love when you are provoked to hatred. It's been a year now since I came out to my mother, and my goal has been this:

to build a deep, deep well of love for myself, so that I can then draw my bucket up from the darkness to quench the thirst for love in other people. So that I can water thirsty grounds where few have loved.

I'm getting there, I think. I've allowed myself to make choices, and I've brought so much love and understanding to myself and I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can give it all away. But I don't think T will understand. She'll love me, she will, but she'll disagree with my decision, she will see me in sin and shadow. Not because she is not open minded, and not because she does not love, but because we now believe differently, while we used to believe similarly. I'm going to have to talk to her soon, because I think I found a roommate. So. here goes nothing.

first date ever, take 3

i'm nervous. what should i wear? what should i say? what shouldn't i say? should i smile? i don't like my smile. should i make the moves or do i let her do it? sounds like she's one of those shy ones in public that gets toppy in private:

i sent a text to her this evening.

"top or bottom?"
"top"
"bottom"
"sounds like we'll work perfectly"
"that remains to be determined"

she's quite chatty. she mentioned in passing, "i'm looking for a fuck" which could be good, i'm glad that i didn't take her for a hopeless romantic although that may still be the case. i'm not into romantics. they make me feel uncomfortable.

went out with an old friend who's moving back to town from a breakup. if the Ex of hers gets a new roommate, she may have enough money to move in with me in March. otherwise I may need to get a one bedroom. so far, I qualify for low income housing which is interesting. I've always known I was the low-income type but I never accepted it. I have this picture of my family as being gentility when my dad's side of the family is of notoriously ill repute and my mother's side keeps secrets. Hmm.

daytime noises

i cannot believe that literally a month after moving into this apartment they started building a business office complex OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. I can see the whole, entire operation from my second floor bedroom window, which also means that I can hear the loud machines, the jack hammers, the dump trucks, the reverse "beeps", and the customary whoops and hollers.

today, at 10 a.m. TEN. I heard, "Shawty had dem apple bottom jeans (jeans) boots with the fur (with the fur) the whole club was lookin' at herr...." they blasted the entire song and then started on "ay bay bay". I was so pissed. What if I had a baby that was asleep? What if someone was legitimately sick in one of these apartments. What if someone works nights and was ASLEEP. so I tore open my curtain (a sheet hanging from the blinds, yanked open the big wooden blinds and threw up the window to look out. As soon as the sun hit my face, that music was O-F-F off. Thanks! I'm going to put my ear plugs in and go back to sleep because this is ridiculous.

P.S. I'm starting to chicken out on that Senior Seminar. I feel like I should take it last and not take any other classes with it, so that I can focus on that one. I don't want to be the dumbass who gets a C in the capstone course. It's only offered in the summer so that would add another four months onto my college experience (it would total 7 years by May 2009). My other two classes are also requiring quite a bit of my time. I'm not sure what to do about it. Any ideas? I can't quit work. I can't even lower my hours because I've already done that.

ambiguous

I've been feeling uncontained lately. I feel like a cloud. Spreading, expanding without boundaries. I feel open and unsafe. Incomplete. My spirit feels thin, like a shadow, like a reflection. I've been thinking about the significance of the season, and about the workshop in October, and about my writing. About the direction that I'm going... About family and history and love.

I feel very much alone. A most despised state.