15.6.08

holding hands in church

I woke up this morning at ten minutes to ten and decided that I wanted to go to church. I've been out of the habit for such a long time and it is difficult to get back into the habit, but Dana was pleased to go with me so that I would not be there alone. My church is the type that seems to change faces about every three to six months, so going there again is like meeting new people all over again, but I have never regretted getting up early to go and praise God in the presence of other believers. My church is comprised of mostly the tattooed, pierced and dyed hair variety of reform minded Christians who are concerned with social justice issues, responsible politics, and bringing help to those in need. Funny - that's exactly what Jesus was all about, but you don't see most Christians trying to do that. They're just trying to get their quota of church days per year fulfilled.

I don't talk about religion much on her first because it's a touchy subject, secondly because sometimes I'm not sure how much I can say without using overly religious jargon, and thirdly because this is a sex blog and sometimes it can be difficult to show how the two can be so intertwined. But they are. Religion and sexuality have always been closely linked). It's time that we queer people (generally, people who feel alienated by religion, not just queers) start taking back our relationships with the root energy. Please, do me and yourselves a favor, and seek out that root energy, god, goddess, whatever. Regardless of what other people say or do to you, whether it is at home, or in a place of worship, or with a few committed people, seek out your spiritual origin and take it back from thieves. You deserve to be connected.

I introduced Dana to one of my pals, Kyle, "This is my girlfriend, Dana" - she was skipping over to our snack table to get something to drink. "So how long have you been together?" he asked. I told him since about March, and he said that's how long he and his girl had been together. We held hands standing and sitting during the service, and my thoughts were confirmed. This is not an affirming church, by any means, but I can be myself without fear of condemnation or rejection. I'm so pleased that a year and a half after committing to love myself regardless of my gayness, that I can fuck my girlfriend at night and go to church with her the next morning and not feel guilt. Things are settling in my heart. The opening song of our music set was based upon Psalm 23, God's promise of help in troubling times.

The Lord is my shepherd and caretaker
I shall enjoy goodness of life
He teaches me to rest in flourishing green pastures
He directs me to waters of refreshment
He revives my spirit
He guides me to paths that keep me close to him
So that my life will honor him.

Although I walk through valleys of darkness,
Evil cannot intimidate me, You, God are with me,
You strength of defense encourages me.
You prepare lavish feasts for me, despite my enemies.
You have made me the honored guest of your house
You have provided for me with abundance.

Because of you, I know that goodness and mercy
will pursue me for the rest of my life.
I will linger in your house throughout the years.

3 comments:

greg said...

"I can fuck my girlfriend at night and go to church with her the next morning and not feel guilt." Perfect. I am really happy for you.

ladybrettashley said...

"seek out your spiritual origin and take it back from thieves"

brilliantly said...i may have to borrow that phrase. it's funny, because i'm not really spiritual, and not religious at all at the moment, but happily and comfortably. it always makes me extraordinarily sad when my queer friends are anti- or just non-religious, because it is so often so obvious that they don't really want to be. it's just been stolen from them, as you say.

(this kind of makes me miss church...but every time i've gone since i moved (seldom) i'm disappointed that it isn't "my" church (i.e. the one i grew up in).)

mnwhr said...

It's a good thing when we can find a spritual base. I think it's better fro folks to choose not to be religious than to feel religion is closed off to them