In the last two weeks I have been accepted by a very gentle Dom for my training as a submissive. I have thought about doing this off and on for about a year now, and something shifted in my that compelled me to offer myself. Even now, I am simply a lump of clay just beginning to take shape. I learned a few different kneels on Sunday. Tuesday and Wednesday I took private kneeling meditations to practice. There is a thin, red band around my right ankle - I knit it myself out of some old Persian yarn which Maggie gave me. I'm referred to in lower case.
But you know, I'm already seeing how freeing it is to begin to give up control (little by little, in my case, and not completely, given the fact that this is simply a training). When I am told to do something, like homework, or a meditation, or when I receive instructions as to where I shall be at what time, I simply obey as best I can. I am seeing how the role of a Dom is partly that of a guide.
Was talking to Maggie last night about how fearful I am that I will not find a Dom that can understand and respect my primary relationship with Dana, and not take away from my relationship with her. I said, "but I shall just have to blow that cloud of fear away as if I were blowing out a birthday candle. wwffff! Adios, fear!" The funny thing is that she said she had just blown out a candle that smoked more than it should have afterward. Perhaps we cast a spell of good fortune for my search? We shall see...
my temporary Sir is quickly becoming a very treasured friend, as is His maggie.
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
19.2.09
1.2.09
knotty, naughty.
I've posted a little ditty about my recent knitting adventures over at The Femme's Guide! It is five reason why knitting is good for the soul.
I've been spending some lovely time with Maggie, and I have to say that it has been so long since I have made a friend like this, that I am making it a point to savour every moment. We talk so easily, and about things that we both love, and nothing ever seems awkward or out of place. The gratefulness continues!
This week I've been thinking a lot about the wishes that I once had to be a student of submission. Before I met Dana, I had been rather interested in finding my "in" to the bdsm world. I don't think I've found that yet. But we are in a state of very easy openness in our relationship and I think I'm ready to start looking for someone to lead me in the paths of obedience. I have a lot of thinking to do about what I do and don't want in such an association, and I need to find someone who is willing to work with my apparent "smart ass masochist" tendencies - where I feel the need to disobey purposefully because I like the punishment, rather than being "good" and having delicious pain as a reward. I'm certain I can be schooled, but I understand that not everyone can handle such an unruly girl as I am.
Perhaps part of it stems from the fact that for most of my life I have done basically everything as I was told, even to my detriment. But the last two years has been about doing whatever the fuck I want. So now that I've basically molded my life into a style that works for me - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and otherwise... Now the idea of doing the bidding of someone else doesn't seem so bad, especially if the reward is pleasurable pain... and who doesn't want that!
There's so much more to think about. I had been in a dry spell until this very moment. And my honey is right by my side at every step with just the right words to bring me down to earth.
I've been spending some lovely time with Maggie, and I have to say that it has been so long since I have made a friend like this, that I am making it a point to savour every moment. We talk so easily, and about things that we both love, and nothing ever seems awkward or out of place. The gratefulness continues!
This week I've been thinking a lot about the wishes that I once had to be a student of submission. Before I met Dana, I had been rather interested in finding my "in" to the bdsm world. I don't think I've found that yet. But we are in a state of very easy openness in our relationship and I think I'm ready to start looking for someone to lead me in the paths of obedience. I have a lot of thinking to do about what I do and don't want in such an association, and I need to find someone who is willing to work with my apparent "smart ass masochist" tendencies - where I feel the need to disobey purposefully because I like the punishment, rather than being "good" and having delicious pain as a reward. I'm certain I can be schooled, but I understand that not everyone can handle such an unruly girl as I am.
Perhaps part of it stems from the fact that for most of my life I have done basically everything as I was told, even to my detriment. But the last two years has been about doing whatever the fuck I want. So now that I've basically molded my life into a style that works for me - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and otherwise... Now the idea of doing the bidding of someone else doesn't seem so bad, especially if the reward is pleasurable pain... and who doesn't want that!
There's so much more to think about. I had been in a dry spell until this very moment. And my honey is right by my side at every step with just the right words to bring me down to earth.
27.1.09
newheart
I think, today, I met a kindred spirit. A tea drinking, deep thinking, ship sinking woman with a love for the everyman, everywoman, everyone in all of us. She has a tongue and a mind for language, and a great deal more than that. She taught me to knit and said such wonderful things about my beginner's swatch. We talked and knit vulvas and drank tea for hours with nary an awkward silence.
The funny thing is I have been curious about her from afar for nigh on two years, fearing I were not of her kind. And maybe I'm not, but she treats me as though I am one . . . of a kind!
The best part is that (I feel) we have so much in common, and it is always joyous to be in the presence of someone who knows your customs and shares your attitude about life.
I am nothing if not grateful.
The funny thing is I have been curious about her from afar for nigh on two years, fearing I were not of her kind. And maybe I'm not, but she treats me as though I am one . . . of a kind!
The best part is that (I feel) we have so much in common, and it is always joyous to be in the presence of someone who knows your customs and shares your attitude about life.
I am nothing if not grateful.
23.1.09
Sexual Autonomy / Sexual Freedom
I really can't believe I waited until today to check out Sinclair's post about Sexual Autonomy and Sexual Freedom. My answer is was short. Until I started writing.
For me, Sexual Autonomy means having age-appropriate access to the wealth of information that exists about different types of relationship styles, different sexual activities, fetishes, and interests, as well as safer sex practices and contraception. I think this will only happen when we live in an environment that encourages open communication, mutual respect, and an understanding of the important role that sexuality plays in every person's life. I think that's what sexual freedom is, too. Perhaps autonomy means that technically, we all have a choice in what type of sexual life we engage, whereas freedom means that people in your life won't harass you for your choices... even if they might be the "wrong" choice. We can all screw up or bless our own lives equally!
I don't think any one moment in time created sexual freedom in my life. If I had to pinpoint a time when I became free, I would probably choose the day that I drove back to my hometown after leaving a religious training school a day's drive north of here. It wasn't any one sexual act, but it was the fact that I was disregarding other people's rules, and making them up for myself. Each day in the journey to sexual freedom, I loved myself and knew myself a little bit more. After years of suppressing and ignoring my sexual being, finally, enough was enough and I wanted to be in control. It wasn't just my sexuality that got freed up, it was the rest of me as well! I went back to college to get the degree I knew that I wanted (Women's Studies / Feminism), I took my stuff out of storage and found my own place to live, and about a year later, I met Dana. I wasn't expecting to like her as much as I did, but she pretty much blasted all of my "preconceived notions" out of the water. Our family histories are so similar, and we have made it our number one priority to talk about anything and everything as soon as it comes up, so that we don't hold onto confusion and anger. The best part is that it's not "too good to be true" - our relationship together has snags in all the right places, so that we build each other up instead of tearing down the one we love.
For the longest time we lived in a state of constant fear. "What if we break up?" and "If we're still together by that time, then we'll..." But that's no way to live. So for now, we're together indefinitely - which means that there is no end foreseeable... until further notice. And I'm very happy with that.
I know this post was meant to be about sexual freedom, but that is what being with Dana means to me. She means having all my sexual needs met, and being allowed to ask for what I want, and being allowed to spread my love around. Being with Dana means getting to explore new things, talking about our likes and dislikes openly and honestly. It means me being able to experience sacred sexuality gatherings, and to talk to her about my girl crushes (and precisely the same for her as well!)
It's good stuff, I tell you what. I found a letter last night that she wrote to me back in July. She said, "You are the perfect seasoning to my very hearty broth!" Now if that doesn't make you laugh freely then you need to get your heart checked.
Let's be free to be, you and me, shall we?
For me, Sexual Autonomy means having age-appropriate access to the wealth of information that exists about different types of relationship styles, different sexual activities, fetishes, and interests, as well as safer sex practices and contraception. I think this will only happen when we live in an environment that encourages open communication, mutual respect, and an understanding of the important role that sexuality plays in every person's life. I think that's what sexual freedom is, too. Perhaps autonomy means that technically, we all have a choice in what type of sexual life we engage, whereas freedom means that people in your life won't harass you for your choices... even if they might be the "wrong" choice. We can all screw up or bless our own lives equally!
I don't think any one moment in time created sexual freedom in my life. If I had to pinpoint a time when I became free, I would probably choose the day that I drove back to my hometown after leaving a religious training school a day's drive north of here. It wasn't any one sexual act, but it was the fact that I was disregarding other people's rules, and making them up for myself. Each day in the journey to sexual freedom, I loved myself and knew myself a little bit more. After years of suppressing and ignoring my sexual being, finally, enough was enough and I wanted to be in control. It wasn't just my sexuality that got freed up, it was the rest of me as well! I went back to college to get the degree I knew that I wanted (Women's Studies / Feminism), I took my stuff out of storage and found my own place to live, and about a year later, I met Dana. I wasn't expecting to like her as much as I did, but she pretty much blasted all of my "preconceived notions" out of the water. Our family histories are so similar, and we have made it our number one priority to talk about anything and everything as soon as it comes up, so that we don't hold onto confusion and anger. The best part is that it's not "too good to be true" - our relationship together has snags in all the right places, so that we build each other up instead of tearing down the one we love.
For the longest time we lived in a state of constant fear. "What if we break up?" and "If we're still together by that time, then we'll..." But that's no way to live. So for now, we're together indefinitely - which means that there is no end foreseeable... until further notice. And I'm very happy with that.
I know this post was meant to be about sexual freedom, but that is what being with Dana means to me. She means having all my sexual needs met, and being allowed to ask for what I want, and being allowed to spread my love around. Being with Dana means getting to explore new things, talking about our likes and dislikes openly and honestly. It means me being able to experience sacred sexuality gatherings, and to talk to her about my girl crushes (and precisely the same for her as well!)
It's good stuff, I tell you what. I found a letter last night that she wrote to me back in July. She said, "You are the perfect seasoning to my very hearty broth!" Now if that doesn't make you laugh freely then you need to get your heart checked.
Let's be free to be, you and me, shall we?
9.1.09
feminine = sexually available?
Aggh. Disgusting! I was out looking for a rental house, as I am pretty much always doing these days, when two men in a city utility truck and asked if I were the owner of the house. Thank God I am not. I said, "No, I'm just checking it out as a rental, why?" They told me the city wanted to know something from the owner, but I didn't know obviously, so I just sort of looked at them. Then the guy in the passenger seat says, "Are you looking for a roommate?" Of course, I said, "No." The other guy thought I didn't hear, and repeated it, "He wants to know if you're looking for a roommate." At this point I'm getting in my car and saying rather loudly "No, thank you." As I closed the door I heard him say, "We could bring in a bunk bed!"
That is so sick. I've been listening to a lot of stories from my friends about the ways that men have treated them, and the part that's so enraging is that it's the women who are in therapy for the ways men have treated them, rather than the men seeking psychiatric help for the ways that they've behaved toward women. Because it's fucking normal for men to be nasty and violent. It makes me want to scream! Part of it probably has to do with my apparent heterosexuality (as a femme) that makes me seem sexually available to all men. Even if I were purely heterosexual that would NOT mean that I am always sexual available. I wish I could communicate in writing how angry I am that I can't go out in public alone without expecting to have to defend myself against these kinds of threats. It is absolutely sick.
That is so sick. I've been listening to a lot of stories from my friends about the ways that men have treated them, and the part that's so enraging is that it's the women who are in therapy for the ways men have treated them, rather than the men seeking psychiatric help for the ways that they've behaved toward women. Because it's fucking normal for men to be nasty and violent. It makes me want to scream! Part of it probably has to do with my apparent heterosexuality (as a femme) that makes me seem sexually available to all men. Even if I were purely heterosexual that would NOT mean that I am always sexual available. I wish I could communicate in writing how angry I am that I can't go out in public alone without expecting to have to defend myself against these kinds of threats. It is absolutely sick.
16.11.08
Update; sectional.
I've sat down to write several posts recently. I was going to write another excerpt from John Poster's book "Meals for Males" and I got distracted looking at the funny French names he gave his pheasant recipes. Hi-larious.
I also wanted to write about our housing project: we found out Dana's lease is not up until 2/09 so we have a good four months until we move out of this 650 sq ft studio apartment. The house hunt will have to be postponed at least until the first of the year.
My new job started on Thursday. In two weeks I will work a whopping 17 hours - clearly this is not enough, but apparently all the other stores I applied to in our mall are competitors of this store. And the two that weren't sent me a thanks-but-no-thanks letter.
I'm totally jealous of everyone who was privileged enough to go to the NYC Sexbloggers' Calendar debut party. Debauchery was bound to "ensue" as they say. *sigh* Everything fun happens in New York!
My anxiety got the best of me - I am not one for protests because they tend to give me claustrophobia. I did not go, please forgive me. Instead I did my part to further the gay agenda by going to a pet adoption expo!
It is nearing the end of the semester and I will have my nose in actual books for about the next six weeks. One of my final papers is about the writings of Denise Chavez. The other paper will be an "autoethnography" where I talk about the effects of culture on myself as it relates to queer theory. I've chosen once again to talk about the femme identity. My professor wants me to answer the question, "how does femme queer femininity?" for indeed it does. I'm supposed to write about moments in my life that helped to shape my femme identity. I'll write about those scenes another time. I'm a bit behind in homework too, so expect to see and hear from me even less than you already do. I read everyone's writings, but I am just having so much trouble formulating my thoughts.
Next Wednesday I'm being inducted into my university's founding chapter of iota iota iota, which is an honor society for undergraduates focushttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifing in Women's Studies. The color is lavender - isn't that nice? It's named for Inana, Ishtar and Isis.
Dana's new job promised her 40 hours and has totally disregarded that commitment. Although she is getting the most hours out of everyone, she is still getting less than forty. She actually makes less at the new job than she did at the old horrible sucky job because she ended up working overtime before, whereas she is not allowed to now. Looking for new or second job now, as money is way, way tight. With a move on the horizon, we both need to bringing in as much moola as possible. Life is not propelled by my smiling face alone, but by the bank.
Should I or shouldn't I arrange play dates with a certain pair of beautiful people? yea or nay? It sounds like a good idea, I definitely could see it working out, but at the same time there are always risks, you know? I don't want to risk my beautiful partner in exchange for a fleeting thrill. But I also see the value in expanding one's personal horizons. If it happens, I think they're going to have to make the first move.
I'm now uninsured. Health is doing alright, but the main thing is eating right, eating small meals at frequent intervals, and taking meds on time. We purchased a bathroom scale the other day, which is a good measure of how my overall blood glucose is doing. Sugar goes up, weight goes up, and the opposite is also true.
Taking everything into consideration, however, I'm feeling absolutely fabulous. I am more and more in love with Dana. I feel more and more comfortable with our relationship. We talk about everything, we welcome change and progress, and we constantly reaffirm to each other our commitment to making things work. She sure means a whole lot to me.
I also wanted to write about our housing project: we found out Dana's lease is not up until 2/09 so we have a good four months until we move out of this 650 sq ft studio apartment. The house hunt will have to be postponed at least until the first of the year.
My new job started on Thursday. In two weeks I will work a whopping 17 hours - clearly this is not enough, but apparently all the other stores I applied to in our mall are competitors of this store. And the two that weren't sent me a thanks-but-no-thanks letter.
I'm totally jealous of everyone who was privileged enough to go to the NYC Sexbloggers' Calendar debut party. Debauchery was bound to "ensue" as they say. *sigh* Everything fun happens in New York!
My anxiety got the best of me - I am not one for protests because they tend to give me claustrophobia. I did not go, please forgive me. Instead I did my part to further the gay agenda by going to a pet adoption expo!
It is nearing the end of the semester and I will have my nose in actual books for about the next six weeks. One of my final papers is about the writings of Denise Chavez. The other paper will be an "autoethnography" where I talk about the effects of culture on myself as it relates to queer theory. I've chosen once again to talk about the femme identity. My professor wants me to answer the question, "how does femme queer femininity?" for indeed it does. I'm supposed to write about moments in my life that helped to shape my femme identity. I'll write about those scenes another time. I'm a bit behind in homework too, so expect to see and hear from me even less than you already do. I read everyone's writings, but I am just having so much trouble formulating my thoughts.
Next Wednesday I'm being inducted into my university's founding chapter of iota iota iota, which is an honor society for undergraduates focushttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifing in Women's Studies. The color is lavender - isn't that nice? It's named for Inana, Ishtar and Isis.
Dana's new job promised her 40 hours and has totally disregarded that commitment. Although she is getting the most hours out of everyone, she is still getting less than forty. She actually makes less at the new job than she did at the old horrible sucky job because she ended up working overtime before, whereas she is not allowed to now. Looking for new or second job now, as money is way, way tight. With a move on the horizon, we both need to bringing in as much moola as possible. Life is not propelled by my smiling face alone, but by the bank.
Should I or shouldn't I arrange play dates with a certain pair of beautiful people? yea or nay? It sounds like a good idea, I definitely could see it working out, but at the same time there are always risks, you know? I don't want to risk my beautiful partner in exchange for a fleeting thrill. But I also see the value in expanding one's personal horizons. If it happens, I think they're going to have to make the first move.
I'm now uninsured. Health is doing alright, but the main thing is eating right, eating small meals at frequent intervals, and taking meds on time. We purchased a bathroom scale the other day, which is a good measure of how my overall blood glucose is doing. Sugar goes up, weight goes up, and the opposite is also true.
Taking everything into consideration, however, I'm feeling absolutely fabulous. I am more and more in love with Dana. I feel more and more comfortable with our relationship. We talk about everything, we welcome change and progress, and we constantly reaffirm to each other our commitment to making things work. She sure means a whole lot to me.
30.10.08
curb your enthusiasm.
I cannot believe you people are not as excited about my naked pictures as I am! Seriously! I have not posted sexy pictures in MONTHS and these are my first topless pictures, and aren't they fan-fucking-tabulous? Come on now. Get excited about nudity! Get excited about breast cancer awareness - it's a campaign to remind you to touch yourself, what's not to love about THAT? As a matter of fact, touch your friend's breasts, too. two hands are better than one, I always say. if one of you misses something, the other might find it!
I would also like to announce that I just had the best sex that I have ever had with dana, year to date. I have never ---evver--- been fucked so exquisitely. I was sitting at the edge of orgasm for like 20 minutes before I came crashing down. A. Ma. Zing. When we first started having sex, I was so pleased by her skill that I just wanted to share it with the world, "everyone should have sex this good!" But it was gotten so good that I'm getting to be a selfish bitch and keep her hot lovin' all to myself. Maybe not allll to myself, but I'm not sharing with just anyone if you know what I mean.
Who knew I deserved a girlfriend as great as this. We engaged a third finger for the first time ever, and it was absolutely glorious. Her tongue on my clit sets off the fireworks in my brain! The combination of the two is beyond compare, it sends me into total meltdown. No doubt about it, I am pretty damn lucky.
I would also like to announce that I just had the best sex that I have ever had with dana, year to date. I have never ---evver--- been fucked so exquisitely. I was sitting at the edge of orgasm for like 20 minutes before I came crashing down. A. Ma. Zing. When we first started having sex, I was so pleased by her skill that I just wanted to share it with the world, "everyone should have sex this good!" But it was gotten so good that I'm getting to be a selfish bitch and keep her hot lovin' all to myself. Maybe not allll to myself, but I'm not sharing with just anyone if you know what I mean.
Who knew I deserved a girlfriend as great as this. We engaged a third finger for the first time ever, and it was absolutely glorious. Her tongue on my clit sets off the fireworks in my brain! The combination of the two is beyond compare, it sends me into total meltdown. No doubt about it, I am pretty damn lucky.
17.10.08
December Giving
It's that time of year, my friends! I will keep reminding you throughout the Fall season. As is my custom, when it is the season of giving, I do like to send small gifts and cards to those who are dear to me. If you read my ramblings, then I consider you very dear. It would be my pleasure to present you with some small treat! Please e-mail me with your complete mailing address, and indicate whether you will be glad to accept a card or a small gift. I am aware that receiving a gift may make some of you uncomfortable, so feel very very free to welcome a card only. If you'd like my return address, I'll be quite please to give it. After all, we are all real people, even though we have our blog faces on most of the time. So please, allow me the joy of thinking up some fancy treat for you!
11.10.08
when it rains, it pours.
I'm having a hard time you guys.
10/10 is when my dad died, to start things off.
on top of that, work had a "clarifying conversation" with me tonight, which is the first step in a very long process that culminates in getting fired if you don't get the hint to resign quick enough. It's because my job is collections, and I don't like taking money from poor people even when they signed up to be robbed anyway.
worried about my mom's job sitch, too.
And I had an appointment with the my PCP and all seemed fine until labwork came back saying that my Hemoglobin A1c was higher than it was when they started treatment for diabetes. normal range is like under "5" and mine went from 6.5 to 7.5 in the past six months. It was definitely not a drastic change, nor was it over a short period of time, but a lab nurse called the next day and was trying to force me into taking another medicine. I wanted to know what it was for, I wanted to know why the doctor picked that medicine over another medicine, and I wanted to know for chrissakes why I'm 24 years old with relative good health and taking 7 pills a day. The number keeps rising every 2 months and I swear to the gods it has to STOP somewhere. It has to.
On top of my health, Dana's has several pretty worrisome health concerns that are too private to talk about in this space. And there's nothing I can do to help, so I just have to be as supportive as I can and try not to let it all overwhelm me.
I'm probably not doing so great emotionally at the moment because this is day 2 back on my birth control pills which is to regulate my period. I have polycystic ovary syndrome according to the doctors who could find no cysts (yet a disease involving cysts was their diagnosis as to why I don't get a period unless it's pharmaceutically induced?). SO starting a new pill pack after having been off it since June due to a screw up at the pharmacy after my annual checkup. Not fun.
Add to all this the school work I'm supposed to be doing. And the guilt I feel over the fact that half of my medical problems are actually preventable with appropriate diet and exercise. I feel like my collections job is actually causing my health to decline. Stress levels raise insulin and cortisol and all that stuff, causing me to gain wait, and then my PCOS gets bad... It's all interrelated and I feel like I have no control over it even though it's technically controllable without the use of drugs.
And what do I do about my job? I hate my job and I think this conversation with my boss tonight was basically the universe saying "HEY! Quit whining and go find a new job!" The trouble is that it is not so easy.
Dear the Universe,
I am in very dire need of an emotionally fulfilling job that gives me flexible hours, supports my school schedule, pays my bills, and makes me feel like I am making a difference in the world. I would prefer it to have nothing to do with sales or collections - other people's money is really not my thing. Please also include health benefits and pto.
Thanks,
Miss A.
10/10 is when my dad died, to start things off.
on top of that, work had a "clarifying conversation" with me tonight, which is the first step in a very long process that culminates in getting fired if you don't get the hint to resign quick enough. It's because my job is collections, and I don't like taking money from poor people even when they signed up to be robbed anyway.
worried about my mom's job sitch, too.
And I had an appointment with the my PCP and all seemed fine until labwork came back saying that my Hemoglobin A1c was higher than it was when they started treatment for diabetes. normal range is like under "5" and mine went from 6.5 to 7.5 in the past six months. It was definitely not a drastic change, nor was it over a short period of time, but a lab nurse called the next day and was trying to force me into taking another medicine. I wanted to know what it was for, I wanted to know why the doctor picked that medicine over another medicine, and I wanted to know for chrissakes why I'm 24 years old with relative good health and taking 7 pills a day. The number keeps rising every 2 months and I swear to the gods it has to STOP somewhere. It has to.
On top of my health, Dana's has several pretty worrisome health concerns that are too private to talk about in this space. And there's nothing I can do to help, so I just have to be as supportive as I can and try not to let it all overwhelm me.
I'm probably not doing so great emotionally at the moment because this is day 2 back on my birth control pills which is to regulate my period. I have polycystic ovary syndrome according to the doctors who could find no cysts (yet a disease involving cysts was their diagnosis as to why I don't get a period unless it's pharmaceutically induced?). SO starting a new pill pack after having been off it since June due to a screw up at the pharmacy after my annual checkup. Not fun.
Add to all this the school work I'm supposed to be doing. And the guilt I feel over the fact that half of my medical problems are actually preventable with appropriate diet and exercise. I feel like my collections job is actually causing my health to decline. Stress levels raise insulin and cortisol and all that stuff, causing me to gain wait, and then my PCOS gets bad... It's all interrelated and I feel like I have no control over it even though it's technically controllable without the use of drugs.
And what do I do about my job? I hate my job and I think this conversation with my boss tonight was basically the universe saying "HEY! Quit whining and go find a new job!" The trouble is that it is not so easy.
Dear the Universe,
I am in very dire need of an emotionally fulfilling job that gives me flexible hours, supports my school schedule, pays my bills, and makes me feel like I am making a difference in the world. I would prefer it to have nothing to do with sales or collections - other people's money is really not my thing. Please also include health benefits and pto.
Thanks,
Miss A.
9.9.08
busy bees
I have to say, and I hate to say, writing here has become somewhat of a chore. It does not flow easily as it used to. I forget the things that I meant to tell you about, and I groan to think of how many days it has been since my last post of substance. I don't even count hits anymore, I can hardly find time to read and respond to the legion butch/femme and sexuality writers out there. And let me tell you, they are legion. The number of people I read now, vs. whom I read a year ago has probably doubled if not tripled. I can't keep up with all your fantastic theory, self revelation and revelry, and even the reality checks that bring things into focus.
I'm not saying I'm going to stop writing altogether, because I'm sure once I get back in the groove of things, I'll be scribbling off notes to myself left and right. I've been very pleased to delve into Queer Theory: An Introduction and American Queer, Now and Then and Gendering Bodies.
If you're looking for great writing about gender troubles or the thin lines between butch and trans, definitely look for writings by the distinguished sociology and feminist professor Dr. Sara Crawley. Ze has several rather engaging publications in print right now, one of which I used for the paper I gave on Femme legitimacy in the queer community. Read "Prioritizing Audiences: Exploring the Differences Between Stone Butch and Transgender Selves". It'll rock your transmasculine world.
Since I have reported myself as somewhat of a sexblog, but more of a life/queerness/women's issues blog lately... I should tell you that the sex is um... infrequent but very, very good. You know it's good when it lasts you a few days. When it's really good, we've found each other saying, "last night was so nice!" I get little text messages saying, "I can't stop thinking about how good you made me feel!" Right now our love is not that voracious, raging, new love. It has simmered and sizzled into a satisfying, comfortable, snuggle-me-at-night love, we are not tragic, we are not heroic, we are not married, she is not my wife. But we coexist so peacefully, she and I.
So many months of begging the universe to bring me someone good for me and here she is. It's not all peaches and cream (oooh... peaches and cream!) -- close -- but it is steady and calm.
I found myself missing the sacred circle of the Body Electric School the other day. Sunday. I had not felt that void in some time, but it was there. A womyn-only-space shaped hole in my heart. Naked singing and dancing hole. A gap the shape of pushing boundaries. A comfortable velvet cloak, that void. I used to talk about the void in Mexico and Cuba...
hay un vacio en el corazon. todas tienen este vacio... y atemptamos llenarlo con cosas varias pero... pero solamente Dios puede llenarlo.
I used to say that only God could fill the void. Now, I think what fills that void is self love. Remember, I used to preach Jesus... but the word "Jesus" came out sound like "love thyself!"
Do it people. Love yourselves. Please do it. It is so very, so very important to me.
I am a lover-healer...
I am a lover-healer...
I'm not saying I'm going to stop writing altogether, because I'm sure once I get back in the groove of things, I'll be scribbling off notes to myself left and right. I've been very pleased to delve into Queer Theory: An Introduction and American Queer, Now and Then and Gendering Bodies.
If you're looking for great writing about gender troubles or the thin lines between butch and trans, definitely look for writings by the distinguished sociology and feminist professor Dr. Sara Crawley. Ze has several rather engaging publications in print right now, one of which I used for the paper I gave on Femme legitimacy in the queer community. Read "Prioritizing Audiences: Exploring the Differences Between Stone Butch and Transgender Selves". It'll rock your transmasculine world.
Since I have reported myself as somewhat of a sexblog, but more of a life/queerness/women's issues blog lately... I should tell you that the sex is um... infrequent but very, very good. You know it's good when it lasts you a few days. When it's really good, we've found each other saying, "last night was so nice!" I get little text messages saying, "I can't stop thinking about how good you made me feel!" Right now our love is not that voracious, raging, new love. It has simmered and sizzled into a satisfying, comfortable, snuggle-me-at-night love, we are not tragic, we are not heroic, we are not married, she is not my wife. But we coexist so peacefully, she and I.
So many months of begging the universe to bring me someone good for me and here she is. It's not all peaches and cream (oooh... peaches and cream!) -- close -- but it is steady and calm.
I found myself missing the sacred circle of the Body Electric School the other day. Sunday. I had not felt that void in some time, but it was there. A womyn-only-space shaped hole in my heart. Naked singing and dancing hole. A gap the shape of pushing boundaries. A comfortable velvet cloak, that void. I used to talk about the void in Mexico and Cuba...
hay un vacio en el corazon. todas tienen este vacio... y atemptamos llenarlo con cosas varias pero... pero solamente Dios puede llenarlo.
I used to say that only God could fill the void. Now, I think what fills that void is self love. Remember, I used to preach Jesus... but the word "Jesus" came out sound like "love thyself!"
Do it people. Love yourselves. Please do it. It is so very, so very important to me.
I am a lover-healer...
I am a lover-healer...
4.9.08
guess what!
I ______________________________, certify that I, and ______________________________ became domestic partners on ______________, and we:
1. have an intimate, committed relationship of mutual caring, and
2. currently share the same regular and permanent residence, and
3. are jointly responsible for "basic living expenses, as defined below, and
4. are not legally married, and
5. are each eighteen (18) years of age or older, and
6. are not related by blood closer than would bar marriage in the state of residence, and
7. were mentally competent to consent to contract when our domestic partnership began, and
8. are each other's sole domestic partner and are responsible for each other's common welfare and intend to remain so indefinitely.
"Basic living expenses" means the cost of basic food, shelter and any other expenses of a Domestic Partner which are paid at least in part by a program or benefit for which the partner qualified because of the Domestic Partnership. The individuals need not contribute equally or jointly to the cost of these expenses as long as they agree that both are responsible for the cost.
ya know, honestly i think that this is the only type of union that is appropriate for me. or for anyone else, but i'll make the rest of y'all make that decision. the only stipulation that it makes is that i can't have another domestic partnership until six months after the last one ended. that's reasonable. that's a measure of personal responsibility. if you're hopping from partner to partner, getting benefits for all, you're causing beaurocratic paperwork (wastin' trees!) and kinda cheating the system and cheating yourself. anyway. i think it's pretty legit now, folks. we do share bills, groceries, living space and mutual caring - if i meet all the requirements, why not do it? oh, one final note:
indefinite: without limit; forever, or until further notice; not definite; vague or unclear; undecided or uncertain.
1. have an intimate, committed relationship of mutual caring, and
2. currently share the same regular and permanent residence, and
3. are jointly responsible for "basic living expenses, as defined below, and
4. are not legally married, and
5. are each eighteen (18) years of age or older, and
6. are not related by blood closer than would bar marriage in the state of residence, and
7. were mentally competent to consent to contract when our domestic partnership began, and
8. are each other's sole domestic partner and are responsible for each other's common welfare and intend to remain so indefinitely.
"Basic living expenses" means the cost of basic food, shelter and any other expenses of a Domestic Partner which are paid at least in part by a program or benefit for which the partner qualified because of the Domestic Partnership. The individuals need not contribute equally or jointly to the cost of these expenses as long as they agree that both are responsible for the cost.
ya know, honestly i think that this is the only type of union that is appropriate for me. or for anyone else, but i'll make the rest of y'all make that decision. the only stipulation that it makes is that i can't have another domestic partnership until six months after the last one ended. that's reasonable. that's a measure of personal responsibility. if you're hopping from partner to partner, getting benefits for all, you're causing beaurocratic paperwork (wastin' trees!) and kinda cheating the system and cheating yourself. anyway. i think it's pretty legit now, folks. we do share bills, groceries, living space and mutual caring - if i meet all the requirements, why not do it? oh, one final note:
indefinite: without limit; forever, or until further notice; not definite; vague or unclear; undecided or uncertain.
3.9.08
empleyo
I have a question for all of you, and this is a serious question which I hope that you will all spend some personal time thinking about, and that you'll come up with a serious answer.
What do you do with a BA in English?
No, seriously. Because there are a lot of things you can with that degree in general, but specifically, what exactly do you do? Pair that with an AS in Culinary Arts and you've got a high quality candidate right? Second question:
How did you get your job?
Because if you can get a job, no offense, but my Dana here should be able to get one too. Do you think it's because employers are reluctant to hire a masculine female? I don't like to think that was the case in some of these lost opportunities, but it does seem likely.
Some of it is this catch 22, where you can't get a job without experience, but you can't gain experience without a job. You know you have the skills but no employer's just going to take your word for it, they want proof, you know?
I got my first job in good faith, the guy hired me because I took photography, I knew cyan yellow and magenta, I could do basic math, and I had a good eye for color balance. I worked at that job for a year and a half until my personal life, and the store volume were not compatible anymore.
I got my current job with no phone experience, but now I'm pretty much a pro. Maybe that's why I don't want to work there anymore - I've mastered the menial task of "how are you today?" "how would you like to pay?" "Sure i'll set up a payment arrangement" "can i have your routing and account number?" Every call is exactly the same customer, every call is the same scenario. It's just hard because I'm a naturally compassionate person so when they say I have to sound concerned about the customer's situations, the only way for me to "sound" that way is to actually be concerned. I end up draining myself of all my love and care on people who will not, cannot reciprocate, and just want my sympathies so I'll give them what they want.
I digress. Any help out there? Anything? Ideas, comments, profanity?
What do you do with a BA in English?
No, seriously. Because there are a lot of things you can with that degree in general, but specifically, what exactly do you do? Pair that with an AS in Culinary Arts and you've got a high quality candidate right? Second question:
How did you get your job?
Because if you can get a job, no offense, but my Dana here should be able to get one too. Do you think it's because employers are reluctant to hire a masculine female? I don't like to think that was the case in some of these lost opportunities, but it does seem likely.
Some of it is this catch 22, where you can't get a job without experience, but you can't gain experience without a job. You know you have the skills but no employer's just going to take your word for it, they want proof, you know?
I got my first job in good faith, the guy hired me because I took photography, I knew cyan yellow and magenta, I could do basic math, and I had a good eye for color balance. I worked at that job for a year and a half until my personal life, and the store volume were not compatible anymore.
I got my current job with no phone experience, but now I'm pretty much a pro. Maybe that's why I don't want to work there anymore - I've mastered the menial task of "how are you today?" "how would you like to pay?" "Sure i'll set up a payment arrangement" "can i have your routing and account number?" Every call is exactly the same customer, every call is the same scenario. It's just hard because I'm a naturally compassionate person so when they say I have to sound concerned about the customer's situations, the only way for me to "sound" that way is to actually be concerned. I end up draining myself of all my love and care on people who will not, cannot reciprocate, and just want my sympathies so I'll give them what they want.
I digress. Any help out there? Anything? Ideas, comments, profanity?
19.8.08
twice, a bad dream.
I've been having truly awful nightmares.
A couple weeks ago I dreamed that someone gave me this thin, limp, dark haired girl. She was so tiny, and barely conscious. All I knew in my dream was that she was a prop in some art project. A few yards away there was a white wall, and then a glass panel and on the back, a thinly padded wall. At the sound of a shot gun, I was supposed to throw her against the wall, so I did. Instantly I realized my mistake. She (and a several others, alike) slid, dropped to the floor where men in white masks beat them to death. I shrieked as if it had been me who was thrown. I was sickened that I had taken part in it. But I didn't understand what it was before it happened...
Dramatic, no?
Saturday night I dreamed that there were some young children who were being filmed in a children's movie. They all dove into this shallow pool and suddenly the floor underneath the pool began to tilt back and forth, creating bigger and bigger waves. The water began to rise and the children were drowning. We (the adults) tried to save as many as we could but we were struggling to keep ourselves afloat. The adults all piled into an elevator where "5" was the top floor but the numbers were all jumbled up. "5" was really like the 15th floor but like I said, they were mixed up. When we reached the top, safe and sound, I asked someone, "What happened to the children?" She was a thin orange-haired girl with a host of freckles and a warm smile. Maybe you know her. And she said, "Why, they've all drowned". She spoke with a tone of voice that expressed how unfortunate the situation was, but no real remorse or disappointment at all. I was disgusted, and I felt tricked.
Morbid. Why all the dreams about people dying? And no one caring? I don't get it.
I had another upsetting dream this morning but I can't remember what it was. It's just as well, I'd rather not remember.
Am I worried about my big dreams and plans dying? I sometimes dream so big that I have to scale down the grandeur. It hurts.
A couple weeks ago I dreamed that someone gave me this thin, limp, dark haired girl. She was so tiny, and barely conscious. All I knew in my dream was that she was a prop in some art project. A few yards away there was a white wall, and then a glass panel and on the back, a thinly padded wall. At the sound of a shot gun, I was supposed to throw her against the wall, so I did. Instantly I realized my mistake. She (and a several others, alike) slid, dropped to the floor where men in white masks beat them to death. I shrieked as if it had been me who was thrown. I was sickened that I had taken part in it. But I didn't understand what it was before it happened...
Dramatic, no?
Saturday night I dreamed that there were some young children who were being filmed in a children's movie. They all dove into this shallow pool and suddenly the floor underneath the pool began to tilt back and forth, creating bigger and bigger waves. The water began to rise and the children were drowning. We (the adults) tried to save as many as we could but we were struggling to keep ourselves afloat. The adults all piled into an elevator where "5" was the top floor but the numbers were all jumbled up. "5" was really like the 15th floor but like I said, they were mixed up. When we reached the top, safe and sound, I asked someone, "What happened to the children?" She was a thin orange-haired girl with a host of freckles and a warm smile. Maybe you know her. And she said, "Why, they've all drowned". She spoke with a tone of voice that expressed how unfortunate the situation was, but no real remorse or disappointment at all. I was disgusted, and I felt tricked.
Morbid. Why all the dreams about people dying? And no one caring? I don't get it.
I had another upsetting dream this morning but I can't remember what it was. It's just as well, I'd rather not remember.
Am I worried about my big dreams and plans dying? I sometimes dream so big that I have to scale down the grandeur. It hurts.
10.8.08
The Girl Effect
This came to my inbox this morning. I wish that enough people would hear about work that's being done like this and help out but we are often so wrapped up in our own problems. I know a lot of people are struggling with money much of the time, but giving is part of the process of receiving - remember this.
7.8.08
why should it be different?
Miss Dana and I were sort of discussing (and I say sort of, because I was mostly blabbering) about the difference between having a same sex partner, and being married to someone of the same sex. Is it any different? Dana and I have become very attached (she will wink and say, "not at the hip, can you guess where?") and I think of her as my partner, but not as a marital spouse. I like the idea that she and I are able to come together as a unit, that we share most things in life, that we plan together for the future. But there's no pressure. If the brilliance of this relatively new relationship fades and neither of us is into it anymore, there's little to stop us from pursuiing something new. Just put your stuff in a box and you're out!
Ok so maybe it's not that easy for everyone but in theory. Ya know.
So I would be ok with saying she's my partner, at my next job, provided things are going well between us, I would like to have us both on my health insurance. But neither of us is ready for marriage. What's the difference here?
Is it just that one is a little more permanent, a little hard to get out of? Is it that there's a difference between what "marriage" is and what "partnership" is? I don't get it. I always thought of it as the same damn thing, but it doesn't feel like it, now that I'm in the middle of a partnership.
At work, just to get someone on as your "domestic partner" you just have to sign a paper that says you share the same domicile, you're both responsible for the bills and that you're in an "indefinite" relationship based on mutual love and care. Is that so hard? Lots of unmarried people do that! (By the way, my company will take this form for same- or different-sex couples.) Anyone in such a relationship would sign that document. But would they get married? Not necessarily.
So I have a partner of mutual love and care, we share a domicile, we are generally both responsible for what goes on with the money, we share decisions, and it's "indefinite" (which only means that it goes on until it ends, the end is not yet in sight but could be at any time right?). But I don't want to marry her.
Hmm. Food for thought.
By the way:
1. If I was being really honest, I would tell my boss that if he has to scold me for being one minute late when I am consistently over 97% in compliance, he's got bigger problems on his hands than that.
2. If I was being really honest with myself, I would admit that I'm a fleeting, fluttering soul who can't do the same thing for very much longer or else she might lose it. Whatever "it" is.
Ok so maybe it's not that easy for everyone but in theory. Ya know.
So I would be ok with saying she's my partner, at my next job, provided things are going well between us, I would like to have us both on my health insurance. But neither of us is ready for marriage. What's the difference here?
Is it just that one is a little more permanent, a little hard to get out of? Is it that there's a difference between what "marriage" is and what "partnership" is? I don't get it. I always thought of it as the same damn thing, but it doesn't feel like it, now that I'm in the middle of a partnership.
At work, just to get someone on as your "domestic partner" you just have to sign a paper that says you share the same domicile, you're both responsible for the bills and that you're in an "indefinite" relationship based on mutual love and care. Is that so hard? Lots of unmarried people do that! (By the way, my company will take this form for same- or different-sex couples.) Anyone in such a relationship would sign that document. But would they get married? Not necessarily.
So I have a partner of mutual love and care, we share a domicile, we are generally both responsible for what goes on with the money, we share decisions, and it's "indefinite" (which only means that it goes on until it ends, the end is not yet in sight but could be at any time right?). But I don't want to marry her.
Hmm. Food for thought.
By the way:
1. If I was being really honest, I would tell my boss that if he has to scold me for being one minute late when I am consistently over 97% in compliance, he's got bigger problems on his hands than that.
2. If I was being really honest with myself, I would admit that I'm a fleeting, fluttering soul who can't do the same thing for very much longer or else she might lose it. Whatever "it" is.
29.7.08
If asked of the state of my heart, I would say...
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21.7.08
least sexy post ever
Prepare yourselves for the least sexy post you will ever hear from me on this blog. If you have a weak stomach, stop reading now.
Also.
There were a lot of revisions suggested to my last post.
I will strive to live up to your standards this time.
Since Wednesday I have been experiencing indigestion and some stomach irritation. Today, I had to go home from work, lest I shit my pants at my desk chair. Needless to say, work is none too happy with me because I called out of a 5 hour shift on Thursday, and today I had to go home at my lunch break. I've never understood the way employers require such harsh attendance rules. I mean. I understand keeping bodies in the seats. But when I'm pooping my brains out, in severe pain from trying to keep all the gases and waste materials in my lower intestines instead on the floor by my desk. You know. Colds, coughs and sinus issues are so apparent on the outside, but diarrhea is best kept a secret. That means that for the past 5 days I have been trying to prove to my employer that the reason I can't come to work is because I'm pooping my brains out without any hard evidence. Impossible.
After talking with Coko, who suggested that it was IBS, I'm wondering if it is actually a physical reaction to not wanting to be at this job. I feel stuck in it, because it is an inopportune time to be looking for more work. But it is so unfulfilling, it does not take into account my numerous talents, it is positively life-sucking. Not as bad as the jobs I've had before, but a year and a half of schmoozing payments out of people for the cell phone contract they signed themselves up for, I'm done. So my body is trying to release this "stuck in my job" feeling by creating the flow of shit.
I think Dana's got the runs, too. We're going to the doctor tomorrow. And she has a job interview. Hooray!
Also.
There were a lot of revisions suggested to my last post.
I will strive to live up to your standards this time.
Since Wednesday I have been experiencing indigestion and some stomach irritation. Today, I had to go home from work, lest I shit my pants at my desk chair. Needless to say, work is none too happy with me because I called out of a 5 hour shift on Thursday, and today I had to go home at my lunch break. I've never understood the way employers require such harsh attendance rules. I mean. I understand keeping bodies in the seats. But when I'm pooping my brains out, in severe pain from trying to keep all the gases and waste materials in my lower intestines instead on the floor by my desk. You know. Colds, coughs and sinus issues are so apparent on the outside, but diarrhea is best kept a secret. That means that for the past 5 days I have been trying to prove to my employer that the reason I can't come to work is because I'm pooping my brains out without any hard evidence. Impossible.
After talking with Coko, who suggested that it was IBS, I'm wondering if it is actually a physical reaction to not wanting to be at this job. I feel stuck in it, because it is an inopportune time to be looking for more work. But it is so unfulfilling, it does not take into account my numerous talents, it is positively life-sucking. Not as bad as the jobs I've had before, but a year and a half of schmoozing payments out of people for the cell phone contract they signed themselves up for, I'm done. So my body is trying to release this "stuck in my job" feeling by creating the flow of shit.
I think Dana's got the runs, too. We're going to the doctor tomorrow. And she has a job interview. Hooray!
8.7.08
new horizons seem so far away
I'm still not doing very well, but I took a much needed unplanned day off yesterday which helped tremendously. I was feeling ill, I was cramping, and Dana had the day off. I wanted to be with her. I spent the majority of the day basically glued to her side, requiring her affections. We had dinner with Stefanie, had a Border's run (I've been spending my excess lack of funds there a lot lately). Spent the day mostly looking for a new job on the internet, looking up massage schools in NY state, looking up job opportunities in Jersey, and generally being weepy and asking the Universe what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.
I haven't written much about sex or sexuality or anything of late, and for that I hope to do some kind of penance. But sex with Dana has lately felt so very private, I have been wanting to hold it in my heart and not share it. It has been about reconnecting with her, it has been full of loving, tender touch. I have been filling my life with relaxing music, guided meditations and deep breaths. I've been trying to get to the breath of life, as it seems to have escaped me. I'm reaching for my dreams because I've put them on the back burner for a year and a half. Won't you forgive me? Life just doesn't revolve around my sex or gender right now.
I haven't written much about sex or sexuality or anything of late, and for that I hope to do some kind of penance. But sex with Dana has lately felt so very private, I have been wanting to hold it in my heart and not share it. It has been about reconnecting with her, it has been full of loving, tender touch. I have been filling my life with relaxing music, guided meditations and deep breaths. I've been trying to get to the breath of life, as it seems to have escaped me. I'm reaching for my dreams because I've put them on the back burner for a year and a half. Won't you forgive me? Life just doesn't revolve around my sex or gender right now.
more than you think, less than you think.
I had the pleasure of coming out to an old friend last night. It has been several months since we talked, so she hasn't heard a thing about me having a girlfriend, or moving, or anything. We went to youth group together, and we attended the same high school (although I graduated 2 years earlier than she). But you know I am constantly amazed at the love and acceptance that I have encountered from these women who grew up with me, who knew I "struggled". I'm telling that now that I do not struggle, but rather embrace and dream and see. And they're taking me as I am, and going to good, warm places with me. They're not abandoning me, or calling me crazed.
I had always been a truth seeker. My search brought me to the discovery that more of what we think are lies are actually true. And the reverse - much of we take to be the truth is a lie.
Find your truths, kids.
I had always been a truth seeker. My search brought me to the discovery that more of what we think are lies are actually true. And the reverse - much of we take to be the truth is a lie.
Find your truths, kids.
3.7.08
not doing well.
i'm not doing well. i am feeling very heavy hearted. for some reason, very sharp fear of death has come over me. i find myself sinking into the thoughts of what it must be like to transition into the spirit world. it's almost like meditating on the nothingness that follows the something. i need to kick it out of my head, and replace it with positive thoughts about being released from the weight of this world rather than being denied my physical presence. i shouldn't even be dwelling on death at all. it snuck up on me, all of a sudden the other day when I was reading a massage therapy text book that was talking about how massage is used in hospice care.
i'm not really doing well financially either. assisting Stefanie and still taking care of myself realy ran up my credit cards and she's still paying her past due car payments, day care, and phone bills. i know things will eventually even out, but i am broke as a joke - especially after my last NY trip. before i can really make any progress in the direction of massage school, or a change of location, i will have to make a significant dent in what i owe to the gods of visa and mastercard. ugh. it's making me ill just to think on it.
i've been back to my church twice now, the last time i went was New Year's. It's nice to be able to be in a holy space (it is holy because we gather together) and center myself within the spirit of God. it does not feel empty or fake, it feels full and genuine. but i need more. my physical body needs rest and movement, my spiritual self needs to grow and become a beam of light.
i'm not really doing well financially either. assisting Stefanie and still taking care of myself realy ran up my credit cards and she's still paying her past due car payments, day care, and phone bills. i know things will eventually even out, but i am broke as a joke - especially after my last NY trip. before i can really make any progress in the direction of massage school, or a change of location, i will have to make a significant dent in what i owe to the gods of visa and mastercard. ugh. it's making me ill just to think on it.
i've been back to my church twice now, the last time i went was New Year's. It's nice to be able to be in a holy space (it is holy because we gather together) and center myself within the spirit of God. it does not feel empty or fake, it feels full and genuine. but i need more. my physical body needs rest and movement, my spiritual self needs to grow and become a beam of light.
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