8.7.08

new horizons seem so far away

I'm still not doing very well, but I took a much needed unplanned day off yesterday which helped tremendously. I was feeling ill, I was cramping, and Dana had the day off. I wanted to be with her. I spent the majority of the day basically glued to her side, requiring her affections. We had dinner with Stefanie, had a Border's run (I've been spending my excess lack of funds there a lot lately). Spent the day mostly looking for a new job on the internet, looking up massage schools in NY state, looking up job opportunities in Jersey, and generally being weepy and asking the Universe what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

I haven't written much about sex or sexuality or anything of late, and for that I hope to do some kind of penance. But sex with Dana has lately felt so very private, I have been wanting to hold it in my heart and not share it. It has been about reconnecting with her, it has been full of loving, tender touch. I have been filling my life with relaxing music, guided meditations and deep breaths. I've been trying to get to the breath of life, as it seems to have escaped me. I'm reaching for my dreams because I've put them on the back burner for a year and a half. Won't you forgive me? Life just doesn't revolve around my sex or gender right now.

2 comments:

mnwhr said...

Yeah, not everything is meant to be shared with the world.

Dylan said...

The sex people have in a relationship often doesn't make for good writing. It's too real, too raw, to intense and connected... it may have the same passion and hotness of non-relationship sex... but something about it does feel deeply private and trying to put words to it often wouldn't do it justice.

I hope you find your path soon... try to not let it weigh you down. Instead of seeing it as "I don't know what's in store for me"... think about it as a chance to explore lots of things, take a leap of faith, entertain many ideas and opportunities. Maybe you'll start to see it as limitless instead of limiting.