A brief update

My seasonal part time job wound up working me full time for nearly three weeks! Great for the money, but bad for writing and stuff. Sorry 'bout that. I gatta say, the after Christmas sales have been outrageous. I got a 5 foot Christmas tree for $17 so next year we will have a proper tree. This year Dana made a tree out of construction paper, beer caps, and little pompoms. It was darling, there are pictures, but it was not meant to weather the years unfortunately.

Monday afternoon we adopted a cat. His name is Jacques Cousteau. Don't blame me, Dana named him after our third favorite song, "Foux du Fa Fa". We had friends over for the last night of Hannukkah and as we sat on and politely requested noms, which we gladly provided to him. You should have heard the happy noise he made! It sounded like "yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!" Poor guy was so hungry. It took us awhile to figure out his sex, but after our friends left, I noticed his furry little balls, teehee!

I wanted to take him to the vet, and I was perfectly content to leave him outside until such time as I could take him to the vet. Dana used to be a pet bather, though, so she decided that we should take him right away. She brought him inside Monday afternoon, clipped his nails and gave him a bath. Later on we brought home a collar for him and flea treatment for all the animals. Tuesday I took him to the vet, who confirmed that he had no microchip and said, "I think he has adopted you!" And so he has.

It's hard to really name my Flight of the Conchords favorites, though. I mean. There's Business Time which has become an inside joke among all my beloved. And the first I ever heard was Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros ... totally hilarious. I'd say All the Ladies in the World is among the top five, as well... "lady many lady!" Speaking of beautiful girls, another fave is The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room... is that a compliment?? My personal all time favorite has got to be Inner City Pressure!


Mom came to visit for a couple of weeks, but it was a whirlwind trip for her because she was packing up my grandmother's house with her the whole time because she found a buyer. Owning two houses was too much for her (totally understandable, don't you think?) So she'll be getting a motorhome for my uncle's backyard for times when she is in this area, and she's going to be adding on to her mountain home. Grandma's a tough gal though, so they got everything finished! Dana got to meet my beloved dachshund, our childhood pet. A very sweet thing. And mom acknowledged to me that she knows I'm with Dana, and that I live with her and everything. She's not happy about it, but we've decided that if we keep everything on a very superficial level when it comes to Dana, that mom doesn't mind talking about her. She made the hominy casserole that I brought to Christmas dinner and everyone loved it - mom made a joke about D being able to cook better than I can and I can see that she's not going to spend her life crying over me. That's a good thing.

Grandma's giving us her kitchen table, a couch, and a chair - how awesome is that? We're getting ever so close to the end of Dana's lease and I'm a little nervous, but excited too. The homes in the area have decreased quite a bit in the last two months - I've found several 3BR homes renting for $800 monthly which is fantastic, so I'm hoping to snag one asap and get the hell outta this apartment complex, and out of apartment life... hopefully forever! Of course there are lots of costs involved and I'm not going to be working much... there's so much up in the air, it's crazy!

Sorry for the long rambling update. And the lack of sex. We've been so busy, tired, menstruating and having yeast infections from antibiotics because of swollen tonsils that we haven't had any wild and crazy sex. Except for that threesome... I've still forgotten to tell you about that! I'll save it for another night.

One final note, after grocery shopping, I made cream cheese cracker dip with pepper n onion relish, corn bread pudding, and an oatmeal pear crisp. Love it!

Goodnight darlings!

as butch as a hunk of machinery!

I just finished watching "Before Stonewall" on netflix (you can watch it streaming online if you have a subscription at any level) and I do believe that I met myself in 50 years. "Lisa Ben" or Edith Eyde. My hero. She sings with a spanish guitar, and parodied this song

The Girl That I Marry
The girl that I marry will have to be
as soft and as pink as a nursery.
The girl that I call my own
will wear satins and laces and smell of cologne.
Her nails will be polished and in her hair
she'll wear a gardenia and I'll be there
'Stead of flittin' I'll be sittin' next to her
and she'll purr like a kitten.
A doll I can carry the girl that I marry must be.

But instead -- and I must tell you that I stopped the movie and went back so I could write it down -- she sang:

The Girl That I Marry
The girl that I marry will probably be
as butch as a hunk of machinery.
The girl I idolize ... will wear slacks with flat fronts*,
tailored shirts and bow ties
She'll walk with a swagger and wear short hair
And keep me entranced with her tomboy air
Instead of cruisin I'll be using
Her shoulder to lean on while snoozin
A faint hearted fairy, the girl I marry won't be!

clearly, an ode to butches. do you see how she's my hero? dana watched her singing so sweetly and said, "honey it's you!" we had a good laugh about it.

*flat fronts? I'm not sure about that, I had some trouble discernign that line.

Apparently I'm also channeling bell hooks because as I was introducing myself to my class (Literature by Women of Color in the Diaspora), my professor - the distinguished Dr. Gary Lemons, author of "Black. Male. Outsider" - said that as he was watching me speak, watching this white woman speak, he felt as though he was listening to bell hooks. She was actually his dissertation adviser as a Ph.D. student at (i think) NYU.

[edit] Originally I had written that it was ms Audre Lorde, but HussyRed is right in the comments, I had forgotten she passed away when I was just a wee lass. bell hooks will be visiting, though, and I'll be interested to see the comparison.

Day of Silence

Today is the Day of Silence, a day when students don’t speak in order to address issues of harassment and bullying in schools. It is not neccessarily specific to the protection of LGBT students, except that of course LGBT and gender variant students tend to be the target of most of the harassment.

From NCTE:

At NCTE, we believe passionately in the rights of all children and young people to go to school and be free from bullying and harassment. Learning needs to take place in an environment where children are safe — physically as well as emotionally — and can express their identities as they grow and develop. Transgender children and teens deserve these rights as much as every other student in our schools.

This year’s Day of Silence is dedicated to Lawrence King.

More info at link in the sidebar, and see also: en|Gender

i always cry at weddings but not because they are sweet

This afternoon one of my spiritual brothers is getting married to a girl that he's crazy in love with. I want to go, I truly want to go, to support my brother and to express to him my joy that he has found someone with whom he can share the struggles and triumphs of life. But I really can't.

I can't because I'll have to answer to probably 50 people about where my career in world missions went. They're going to wonder where spreading the "gospel of peace" went. It went back into my mouth after I had said it, down my throat and deep into my heart where I knew that the gospel of peace that brought salvation to hungry souls comes from the love that we harbor for ourselves and others.

Even the person on whom I had the most influence on during my globe-trotting spells didn't "receive christ" necessarily. What she received was the gift of knowing that she was valuable. I showered her with gifts and I listened to her concerns and genuinely tried to understand where she was coming from. When I left her, she knew that someone had loved her, if only for a moment, someone had loved her enough to turn the mirror of her self-acceptance upright, where some heart-shaking typhoon had blown it down. I showed herself to her again in a different light, hoping to bring her back to the origin of her salvation.

I think I did.

But I can't bear the thought of going to this wedding in exactly 1 hour. I'm going to feel so incredibly anxious. I'm going to want to tell them all the good news - that I have a beautiful girlfriend who appreciates me, a sometimes-handsome girl who knows how to bring me back to the origin of my salvation. I already want to, but my respect for my mother holds me back. Her fragile understanding of my way of life keeps her from telling our spiritual family. I'm not telling these people outright because she is still holding on to the hope that maybe it really is just a "phase" (yeah - a 10 year phase? right.) or maybe I'm really just bisexual and one day I'll meet a really nice boy... And you know what, I could just say "fuck you all, I'm doing my own thing" but that's not my style. I'd rather people know where I'm coming from, to see things from my heart's perspective rather than being flippant aout the ways in which I come out to people. My mother has done nothing but love me from the bottom of her heart. She has deserved the respect that I give her, and so while it may look like an easy out - just show up looking like a big dyke and talk nothing but queer politics for the entire wedding reception! - that's not how I am going to handle things, and it's not just because I'm nervous abotu saying it. I'm concerned about saying it the right way.

In the meantime, I plan to talk recipes with my chefly girlfriend and enjoy the meals that I am scheming up for her. Last night it was spaghetti - i sauteed the chicken, onions, garlic, mushrooms and fresh basil and oregano myself - with toast and pesto, and a dessert of chocolate mini cakes, strawberries sauteed in wine and brown sugar, and whip. Tonight we're looking at chicken spring rolls, jasmine rice and beef stir fry, and then tomorrow night I might do Mexican. Because my beautiful girlfriend, a graduate of Johnson and Wales University, deserves good food cooked at home, with portions that swell with my love for her.

think before you speak

Discovered at Awakenings:


I'm sorry, do you understand why. WHY there is more suicide, disease, depression?

Because of you.

I should be surprised. I should be completely appalled, caught off guard. But I'm not. Because this is the type of shit I have allowed myself to absorb for years. Fall of '08 is going to be 10 years since I came out to myself - since I truly recognized my romantic affection for female people. But. This month is only the first year mark of actually starting to come out. A lot of people don't know, still. Tons. But I'm telling them easily, quietly, one by one, that I deserve their respect regardless of who or what I am. Jesus never said one fucking word about homosexuality, because that wasn't the point, or if he did, the writers of the bible didn't consider it important enough to include. The point was purity of intention, purity of heart. Jesus emphasized humility (serving others, having a right self-concept, being a vessel of peace - humility does not equal self loathing). He stressed the importance of loving others, giving of what you have, and being helpful. He wanted us to care for the needy, to spend our money wisely, and to live in peace with others. Sexuality was never the point. Never.

But no. This is normal Christian rhetoric. It's not the truth, but it is displayed as truth. And out of fear, people believe it. For fear of punishment people learn to believe lies.

What lies are you believing? Has someone lied to you about your body? Do you downplay your talents and highlight your faults? Has anyone told you that you're worthless?

As a rule, I don't give readers homework. But will you take some time to ask yourself what lies you are believing about yourself? Get rid of them. Chuck them like old soles. This type of thing is in my top-ten list of things I hate the most. Malicious lies like that might be #1, and misunderstandings is probably #2.

beloved ones

I have not commented on the recent killings of queer people in the last few weeks, but allow me to introduce to you someone who has done so. She's a very tender heart, very loving and special. She is quite a treasure. Ellen!



Yeah. What she said. Because hate is where evil originates.

reconcile

My best friend, T, and I have been together now for 11 years, this past Fall. We grew into women together. We met in jr. high and were virtually inseparable - in spirit, although we could not always be close physically - throughout high school. We have not always been as emotionally intimate as we once were, as in year 8 when you did not see one without the other. We went to her church together, we went to my church together, we participated in campus religious groups together - the works. The only thing that I have really ever kept from her has been my journey to accept myself as a lesbian. We've talked about it every few years, briefly. I think I talked to her about it when I left my fine arts high school, while I was in search of salvation from the Gay. We talked about it again in early 2005 as I was preparing to go to start bible school. But since then? nada.

Lately I've been looking for a roommate and she has tried to be so very helpful, suggesting friends of hers. But the problem is that all of her friends are also religious. They live 6-to-a-house in the inner city as activism, to put themselves purposefully where no one wants to be, to seek change. And all of that is good. But their ministry and their faith is quite adamantly exclusive of homosexual relationships. According to their interpretation of the Book, no means no. Obviously my lifestyle doesn't allow me much room to hide my grand affairs with the (now various) women who have shared a "bountiful beauty" with me lately. None of these potential roommates would be good for me.

But how do I tell this to my best friend, when all along I have been leading people to believe that it is something mutable, that I'm "working on it." She is one of those people who knew of my affection for women, but it was under the condition that I would not act on my desires. According to the Christian ideologies, the desire itself is not the problem, it is the actions that cause you to sin. There's that word, such a taboo. Sin.

I have not altogether abandoned my faith in God, how can I, when it is so integral to who I am as a person? To forget my Christian upbringing would be a mistake because it has brought me tremendous peace. While my queerness is not mutable, my Christian beliefs are. Before I even decided to come out, I researched different interpretations of the Book, and I saw that there is more than one lens. To put it another way, I simply had to turn the kaleidescope to one side and the picture changed. The principles of Love and Purity remained fixed, but the definitions and the examples shifted. I saw myself as acceptable.

Not everyone can stand or understand the idea of turning the kaleidescope - that's the problem. In the early days, Christians talked about, debated, asked questions. Now, we simply listen to pastors and ministers and believe what they say without looking into it ourselves. In the early days of Islam there was the concept of ijtihad - a practice of reasoning, of dissent and debate. Well that free thinking got shut down by the powers that were when something caused a stir and it's been that way ever since - blind belief, without question authority.

Perhaps the most important thing that I have been able to implement in my life, that shapes the way I interact with Christians, is that God speaks to me. God speaks to us. Ask Him, and he will speak to you. What is more true? What God said to someone else, or what God says to you? God says to me - "you're my beloved, before I do anything else with you, I love you." That is reassurance enough for me to believe that that if I start veering off "the path of righteousness" (the way of love, integrity, and persistent pursuit of truth) then He will steer me in the right direction (and I will allow Him to do so). It is assurance of safety.

God loves persistently, doggedly, unwaveringly. And that is the purpose of His people, to love without expectations, to love when you are provoked to hatred. It's been a year now since I came out to my mother, and my goal has been this:

to build a deep, deep well of love for myself, so that I can then draw my bucket up from the darkness to quench the thirst for love in other people. So that I can water thirsty grounds where few have loved.

I'm getting there, I think. I've allowed myself to make choices, and I've brought so much love and understanding to myself and I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can give it all away. But I don't think T will understand. She'll love me, she will, but she'll disagree with my decision, she will see me in sin and shadow. Not because she is not open minded, and not because she does not love, but because we now believe differently, while we used to believe similarly. I'm going to have to talk to her soon, because I think I found a roommate. So. here goes nothing.