This is a complaining post, feel free to ignore.
It's been awhile since I had a truly, utterly, miserable time at a club. Part of it may have been that it was the middle of the night. Part of it may have been my attitude. I also didn't know the venue, or the scene and arrived in completely overdressed. Personally, nothing kills my mood faster than being underdressed or overdressed. The drinks were weak. I went with an odd numbered group and quickly ended up isolated and sulking. I could have tried to make new friends but I can never tell who's taken and who's not and I don't want to look a fool. I could have gone home, but I was just barely keeping my grip on the hope that at some point, the fun would start.
Back at the apartment, we played spin bottle and kiss, and then spin the bottle and ask the person a question (and answer it yourself). I finished the other girl's beer that she had only sipped on - the beer got me way more drunk than anything I got at the club. This morning, I realize that I was bound and determined to get a hangover but whatever means possible. I might have succeeded. Ow... Finally, ended up sleeping alone when everyone else got to share a mat or a sleeping bag or whatever... and I don't know if I've said this before, or how many times, but I fucking hate sleeping alone. I'll sleep in a bed with a boy before I sleep alone. For real.
I think I'm grumpy because Erin is the only person I've been with lately, and last time we were together, I didn't get my turn, and then she kicked me out of bed at the ass crack of dawn... I'm still trying to fend off Marian, and I am --still-- getting craigslist emails from femmey girls.
Also: trip to see mom is back on. I'm leaving saturday and coming back thursday, and I got everything approved to be outta work, -and- my brother is coming with me! We're driving since it's totally ridiculously expensive to fly to mountainous regions.
It's time for coffee and lots, lots of water.
Showing posts with label Erin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Erin. Show all posts
6.3.08
26.2.08
one really horrifying day. only one.
I'm really in the foulest mood ever. Maybe not ever, but I'm very sour at the moment. I've been scowling basically the entire day.
Erin shooed me out of bed at 8:30 because "work called" and needed her to come in - I have no evidence that this is not true, but I was pretty irritated by being woken up so early, on a day that she said she'd be able to lie around in the morning. The commute home from her place - when driving in the daytime - takes literally 1 hour, 15 minutes. I'm going to have to start telling these bitches that if they want to see me they can come to my house. Eff this commuting with gas prices going for 30% of my hourly payrate. Rather than going to sleep, which I should have done, I stayed awake looking in craigslist for multi-unit houses in some of the historic districts in the area. Then, I went out to look at them. Which was horrific. The M-I-L quarters that I found, which was for a fantastic price and had a nice picture was absolutely horrifying for housing in a generally nice city. There was no central a/c, no backyard. The freeway is literally adjacent to the property, and the clothes dryer appeared to be older than the one that my family used when I was a child! The floor was separating from the wall, I'm positive there was mildew in the place - which I am allergic to - and to top things off, there was some random rotting car in the driveway. No thank you. I should have turned around and walked away when I saw the window a/c. Miss Avarice does not do window units. Uh-huh, No ma'am!
Oh, forgot to mention that before I went out driving and looking at rental properties, I found a hair in my favorite mc donald's breakfast sandwich. I dark brown hair. cooked into the sandwich. I'm very lucky to have a pretty strong stomach. Horrifying. Are you seeing the pattern here? It has been a really horrifying day. Not to mention the nightmare that I had early this morning, sleeping next to Erin. There are ginormous thunder storms headed our way, the skies have been pretty much grey all the day long and gust winds - the works. UGH!
I went to go look at some subsidized housing, and at some standard apartments as well. There are so very few that have any one bedroom units and many of them have no central a/c as well. I wish I had someone to look for housing with together. It would be so much easier to find housing if I had someone to share it with. Someone reliable who's going to stick around, someone who can love me for who I am and give me hugs when I come home. Just a friend.
On top of that, my mother can't find anyone to take care of her after her back surgery on Thursday, and i may have to take my vacation days to fly up and take care of her. My grandmother was going to do it, but now her back's hurting her, too and she doesn't want to take the drive all the way to NC with her back acting funny.
I had to take back the corset that I bought the other day because it was far too small for me, even though I tried to lace it differently. I went to the mall to soothe myself with some more retail therapy but I ended up just walking around moping and finding nothing of interest. Traffic on the way home was bad, and my car smelled like trash all day driving around because I forgot to take it out of the trunk on the way out of my apartments.
aghhhh complaaaaain!
phew. I'm going to go listen to music, say no words and sit native-american style on the floor for a little while. whoooo. exhale!
Erin shooed me out of bed at 8:30 because "work called" and needed her to come in - I have no evidence that this is not true, but I was pretty irritated by being woken up so early, on a day that she said she'd be able to lie around in the morning. The commute home from her place - when driving in the daytime - takes literally 1 hour, 15 minutes. I'm going to have to start telling these bitches that if they want to see me they can come to my house. Eff this commuting with gas prices going for 30% of my hourly payrate. Rather than going to sleep, which I should have done, I stayed awake looking in craigslist for multi-unit houses in some of the historic districts in the area. Then, I went out to look at them. Which was horrific. The M-I-L quarters that I found, which was for a fantastic price and had a nice picture was absolutely horrifying for housing in a generally nice city. There was no central a/c, no backyard. The freeway is literally adjacent to the property, and the clothes dryer appeared to be older than the one that my family used when I was a child! The floor was separating from the wall, I'm positive there was mildew in the place - which I am allergic to - and to top things off, there was some random rotting car in the driveway. No thank you. I should have turned around and walked away when I saw the window a/c. Miss Avarice does not do window units. Uh-huh, No ma'am!
Oh, forgot to mention that before I went out driving and looking at rental properties, I found a hair in my favorite mc donald's breakfast sandwich. I dark brown hair. cooked into the sandwich. I'm very lucky to have a pretty strong stomach. Horrifying. Are you seeing the pattern here? It has been a really horrifying day. Not to mention the nightmare that I had early this morning, sleeping next to Erin. There are ginormous thunder storms headed our way, the skies have been pretty much grey all the day long and gust winds - the works. UGH!
I went to go look at some subsidized housing, and at some standard apartments as well. There are so very few that have any one bedroom units and many of them have no central a/c as well. I wish I had someone to look for housing with together. It would be so much easier to find housing if I had someone to share it with. Someone reliable who's going to stick around, someone who can love me for who I am and give me hugs when I come home. Just a friend.
On top of that, my mother can't find anyone to take care of her after her back surgery on Thursday, and i may have to take my vacation days to fly up and take care of her. My grandmother was going to do it, but now her back's hurting her, too and she doesn't want to take the drive all the way to NC with her back acting funny.
I had to take back the corset that I bought the other day because it was far too small for me, even though I tried to lace it differently. I went to the mall to soothe myself with some more retail therapy but I ended up just walking around moping and finding nothing of interest. Traffic on the way home was bad, and my car smelled like trash all day driving around because I forgot to take it out of the trunk on the way out of my apartments.
aghhhh complaaaaain!
phew. I'm going to go listen to music, say no words and sit native-american style on the floor for a little while. whoooo. exhale!
topping practice
Last night I learned that before me, Erin hasn't been with anyone since her last girlfriend. A year ago. I was surprised at first, but then again, it is really hard to meet someone in this town. We lay in her bed for a long time, watching a movie and I had my arm around her belly. I didn't really take note of the details this time. I mostly topped. I know, right? The bottom topped? Yeah. My period wouldn't go away fast enough for any action.
"You know what I wanted to do last time?"
"What..?"
"I think I can put my hand inside you. See - right now, that's four fingers and my thumb inside you. It's not much further..."
She laughed. Said she'd never done that before. I still could have, it's totally possible, but I'm not going to press the issue. She was still swearing my expertise despite my constant confessions that she's the only one - literally, the one and only - to afford up the space of her sex to me. I had my left hand pressing down on her hair and softness, and my right hand warm and nestled inside her. I think maybe the favorite is that plus my mouth on her breast.
"ahh, I love your mouth on me"
"oh yeah?"
"yeah, suck on it, hmm"
I sucked greedily and hungrily, drawing into my mouth as much of her breasts as i could fit, sliding my tongue over and around her soft nipples. Her breasts are truly soft, I have never felt such soft, pillowy breasts before.
Later, after we had slept, I had a nightmare. I was running around trying to stop this man and woman from fighting. We were in an old house with several floors and fireplaces on each floor. He was angry and overstrong, and she couldn't get away from him. I was trying to tell her how to get away but she didn't listen to me. She jumped down the fireplace, down the chimney to escape, but her hand got caught on something and it stopped her fall, and jerked her head snapped her spinal cord or whatever and died instantly. I know that's totally unrealistic, but that is what happened in my dream. I think it has to do with my worry about Delilah and her gentleman friend. My dream was nothing at all like her situation, but I had been overthinking it earlier in the evening, praying for her and hoping for peace and clarity of mind. I woke up to use the bathroom and when she got back from the bathroom after me, I told her about it. I forget she's not from the south, she's not very comforting. And I haven't yet decided if I like to be comforted or not. Sometimes it suffocates me, and sometimes I need it. I didn't really need it I guess, or I would have asked. I spent most of the night as the big spoon and it was nice because I got to scratch and rub her back.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's Erin, but the fragrance of dried roses lingers on my fingers. I found it there on my way home, the rich, sweet smell of dried roses.
"You know what I wanted to do last time?"
"What..?"
"I think I can put my hand inside you. See - right now, that's four fingers and my thumb inside you. It's not much further..."
She laughed. Said she'd never done that before. I still could have, it's totally possible, but I'm not going to press the issue. She was still swearing my expertise despite my constant confessions that she's the only one - literally, the one and only - to afford up the space of her sex to me. I had my left hand pressing down on her hair and softness, and my right hand warm and nestled inside her. I think maybe the favorite is that plus my mouth on her breast.
"ahh, I love your mouth on me"
"oh yeah?"
"yeah, suck on it, hmm"
I sucked greedily and hungrily, drawing into my mouth as much of her breasts as i could fit, sliding my tongue over and around her soft nipples. Her breasts are truly soft, I have never felt such soft, pillowy breasts before.
Later, after we had slept, I had a nightmare. I was running around trying to stop this man and woman from fighting. We were in an old house with several floors and fireplaces on each floor. He was angry and overstrong, and she couldn't get away from him. I was trying to tell her how to get away but she didn't listen to me. She jumped down the fireplace, down the chimney to escape, but her hand got caught on something and it stopped her fall, and jerked her head snapped her spinal cord or whatever and died instantly. I know that's totally unrealistic, but that is what happened in my dream. I think it has to do with my worry about Delilah and her gentleman friend. My dream was nothing at all like her situation, but I had been overthinking it earlier in the evening, praying for her and hoping for peace and clarity of mind. I woke up to use the bathroom and when she got back from the bathroom after me, I told her about it. I forget she's not from the south, she's not very comforting. And I haven't yet decided if I like to be comforted or not. Sometimes it suffocates me, and sometimes I need it. I didn't really need it I guess, or I would have asked. I spent most of the night as the big spoon and it was nice because I got to scratch and rub her back.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's Erin, but the fragrance of dried roses lingers on my fingers. I found it there on my way home, the rich, sweet smell of dried roses.
25.2.08
i think i'm in for some life lessons
Erin called me on her way to bed tonight. I was cleaning up from Family Night at Kay's after everyone had gone outside to smoke and talk, when the phone rang. Her job has apparently been taking up a lot of her time, and we've had an awful time trying to keep in touch. In fact we've barely spoken to one another since the last time - we can't seem to catch each other at the right time, unfortunately. Her birthday is next week, I wish I could be part of that. She told me to call her Monday after I get out of work at 10 and we can get together. I can't decide if I want to spend some more time getting to know her, or if I just want to leave that part alone. It is difficult for me to be able to know someone without caring for them a lot, so the more I know about her, the more I'm going to care about her. And that is, apparently, dangerous territory. But it's funny. I want to care about her. I do, in a sense. But not too terribly much...
Yet. This is coming from the mouth of a girl who has never had a proper girlfriend. Am I afraid of commitment? Am I afraid she's going to want to go too fast? Am I afraid of hurting her? What's my deal? I think maybe I'm afraid of being tied down, of having my curiosity harnessed and corralled. And I don't want that. I want to be able to pick and choose. But I guess that just means that if I really do get into a relationship, hopefully it will be one that I know I want, since I have not truly wanted anything yet.
Speaking of hurting people. I told a half-truth to Marian today, trying to get out of a date with her to my favorite restaurant. Why would I do that, you ask? I can't handle her shit, that's why. Twice, now, she has erupted into an emotional fit about how unlovable she is(n't) after I was trying to explain that we're not right for each other. TWICE. If I have not mentioned it before, let me do so now: Self-hatred is absolutely intolerable. I can understand if you have doubts about yourself, I can understand if there's a few things you'd like to change, but I cannot stand, cannot be in the presence of outright self-hatred. This is especially true after I have already told you several times that you are valuable and cherished. So, I'm going to have to figure out a polite way to say "we can be friends but you're not for me, and I know you're not for me, so stop trying to convince me because it was over before it started, honey." Instead, I told her I was on my period and feeling sick to my stomach. It was true, but I still could have taken some drugs and gone with her anyway. I'm sad, it was my favorite fresh seafood restaurant that overlooks the bay - and it was her idea when she didn't even know that my grandfather used to take the family there all the time...
Yet. This is coming from the mouth of a girl who has never had a proper girlfriend. Am I afraid of commitment? Am I afraid she's going to want to go too fast? Am I afraid of hurting her? What's my deal? I think maybe I'm afraid of being tied down, of having my curiosity harnessed and corralled. And I don't want that. I want to be able to pick and choose. But I guess that just means that if I really do get into a relationship, hopefully it will be one that I know I want, since I have not truly wanted anything yet.
Speaking of hurting people. I told a half-truth to Marian today, trying to get out of a date with her to my favorite restaurant. Why would I do that, you ask? I can't handle her shit, that's why. Twice, now, she has erupted into an emotional fit about how unlovable she is(n't) after I was trying to explain that we're not right for each other. TWICE. If I have not mentioned it before, let me do so now: Self-hatred is absolutely intolerable. I can understand if you have doubts about yourself, I can understand if there's a few things you'd like to change, but I cannot stand, cannot be in the presence of outright self-hatred. This is especially true after I have already told you several times that you are valuable and cherished. So, I'm going to have to figure out a polite way to say "we can be friends but you're not for me, and I know you're not for me, so stop trying to convince me because it was over before it started, honey." Instead, I told her I was on my period and feeling sick to my stomach. It was true, but I still could have taken some drugs and gone with her anyway. I'm sad, it was my favorite fresh seafood restaurant that overlooks the bay - and it was her idea when she didn't even know that my grandfather used to take the family there all the time...
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