gender, again, finally!

Today I wish I had a more private place to post my thoughts. I'm feeling so conflicted, and a little bit confused. But calm and steady anyhow.

I'm going to be included in a "blog tour" of an upcoming publication in April so look out for some new information soon!

I have finally developed my thesis for the capstone project I have to do in order to graduate with my B.A. in Women's Studies. It is as follows:


Two main gender presentations, "butch" and "femme," dominated the lesbian community before the women's liberation movement of the 1960's and 1970's. "Butch" women presented themselves in a masculine way, and "femme" women presented themselves in a feminine way. Feminist of the time viewed the butch and femme lifestyle as a replication of the traditional roles within heterosexual relationships.

The 1990's brought to lesbian culture a surge of novels, anthologies, and other writings about the experiences of butches and femmes. Many books focused on the gender transgression of butch women while others focused on the complex relationships that butches and femmes have to one another. I believe this disproportionate focus on female masculinity has attracted gender theorists because patriarchal culture favors masculinity and undervalues femininity. Writings about the experiences of femmes have only recently begun to appear in academia. My research will assess works dealing with butches and femmes, and the availability of scholarship about queer femininity. I hypothesize that a disproportionate body of work focuses on butchness while relatively few works explore queer femininity. An inventory of the available literature will illuminate the overshadowing of femininity within gender theory and lead to a better understanding of the politics of theoretic production.

This was with the help of Tegee, otherwise I really wouldn't have been able to make it sound that smart and scholarly. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty smart, but she made it sound so much more important and big than it actually is! Craziness.

Had a nice day with Dana, did laundry, had tea, we knitted/cross stitched at the laundromat. I realized that not having a washer and drying gets me out of my uberwhiteness a little bit, and maybe I won't get a washer/dryer. Bought a clothes line today, so we can hand wash some small items, and save on laundry costs by drying them at home. It reminds me of Mexico. And that one time in turkey that we stayed in the top floor of a hotel with out own landing so we strung up our clothes there.

I need to talk to someone unrelated to my situation but who still understands what I'm struggling with. Dana wants me to be happy, but she doesn't believe the same way that I do about it, so our discussions are a little bit circular. I think I need a great big hug and a cry. Haven't had one of those in awhile. It's coming, I can feel it.

Please respond - homework help! (general update, too)

I am a week overdue with this assignment, and it is mostly because I never received even ten responses. I know I haven't been writing much, but my last semester of school, moving, and a number of other stressors are really kicking my ass right now. Not having routine or a work schedule to work around has really disintegrated my

Even if you feel you have little to say in the matter, won't you be a dear and complete this survey? It's for a good cause - my degree in Women's Studies! E-mail your responses to missavarice@gmail.com, my lovelies!

Also, please pick up a book called Black Male Outsider: Teaching as a Pro-Feminist Black Man if you have any interest in the importance of men's, specifically black men's cooperation and support of womanist and feminist causes. If you're not interested, you should be.

In a talk that miss bell hooks gave at my university two weeks ago, she said that in our American culture, we have been taught to alienate black maleness, we have not been taught to relate with black maleness in a holistic way. It was a huge "aha!" moment for me and I truly hope that by reading this book (perhaps also by reading Musings of a Manwhore?) and by making intentional choices in the company that I keep, that maybe I will make some progress in that area.

Healthwise, I have had swollen tonsils for five days now, I have been on antibiotics for four days, but they had done nothing to improve my condition. Four hours on prednisone, and the antibiotic is no longer doing double duty and the white spots are already beginning to disappear. this has been one of the most expensive non-chronic health issues I have had in a long time. I'm very grateful that I have not had any major health issues in the time that I have not had health insurance. On my to do list for March is to see if I can get on the county health insurance program. I'm not employed and I do have a laundry list of health issues that make it hard to both sit at a desk for 8 hours and stand on my feet for 8 hours. What kind of job lets you sit down and stand up as often as you want? I'm thinking very few.

Also, I'm not supposed to even be typing this because I'm grounded - two weeks behind in one class, totally on task with the other class, wtf is up with the imbalance here?

Recap:
Do my survey
Read a book
Tonsils are looking better!

Survey says...

One of my classes is asking me to gather responses to two very simple survey questions, I'm to get at least ten responses and then report on my findings. So if you want to help me with my homework, e-mail or comment me your responses (include your return e-mail), and I will reply with the disclaimer that basically says who will be using your answers for what, and that they will be anonymous.

I am taking a class at my university called “Men and Sexism" or "Feminism and Men” in the Department of Women’s Studies. Please respond below to the following questions:
1) What do you think sexism is?
2) Do you think feminism is an effective strategy for bringing an end to sexism?

Please fill in the following information:

*Name (you can make one up)
*Gender (and sex, if they are different than "usual")
*Race
*Economic background (For example, do you come from an economic background that you would consider to be: upper class, middle class, working class, or under class [poor]?)
*Sexual orientation
*Age
*Religious affiliation (if any)
*Highest level of education attained
*Response to question 1:
*Response to question 2:

I realize that the answers to this might of sort of biased if I know you folks, so if there are any of you that aren't really in the field of women's/gender studies, please answer! I'm looking for a broad range of answers.

newheart

I think, today, I met a kindred spirit. A tea drinking, deep thinking, ship sinking woman with a love for the everyman, everywoman, everyone in all of us. She has a tongue and a mind for language, and a great deal more than that. She taught me to knit and said such wonderful things about my beginner's swatch. We talked and knit vulvas and drank tea for hours with nary an awkward silence.

The funny thing is I have been curious about her from afar for nigh on two years, fearing I were not of her kind. And maybe I'm not, but she treats me as though I am one . . . of a kind!

The best part is that (I feel) we have so much in common, and it is always joyous to be in the presence of someone who knows your customs and shares your attitude about life.

I am nothing if not grateful.

Writing for Femme's Guide

For those of you who don't know, I have been contributing to The Femme's Guide to Absolutely Everything since September. I don't like to cross post, and I've done a poor job of letting you all know when I post over there. You can read all my posts here. In lieu of timely announcements, an overview of a few recent posts follows:

In "Thigh Chafing: You Don't Have to Grin and Bear It" I laid out an armory of weapons with which to combat inner thigh chafing. Not a fun thing, yet it's a rather frequent event in the warm Southern climate.

Money Matters I recommended a blog called femme economics at Queercents.com, which deals with creating and maintaining one's femme image on a budget.

I contemplated whether butches or femmes are the "stronger" of the two, in Who's the Strongest?, but I came to the conclusion that we face the world together, holding each other’s hand for confidence and balance.

In the first of two posts I made in preparation for my Queer Theory term paper on femm e and femininity, I chronicled some of the events that lead to The Origin of my Femme Identity. This post was followed by my most recent post, where I came up with four answers to the question, "How Does Femme Queer Femininity?".

One of my goals is to start doing product reviews on makeup items. I've recently been working with mark. makeup and I'm falling in love with their commitment to portable makeup and on-the-go application. I'll be writing that soon, work schedule permitting. I'm working 40 hours this week... haven't done that in months!

Pictures to distract you!

Since I don't seem to have much of substance to say recently, due to the onslaught of feminist homework assignments (way harder than regular homework, I assure you), I give you two pictures.


Did you know she keeps my baby picture above her desk?



This is the two of us on the night that we had dinner with my late aunt's ex partner of 25 years.

Update; sectional.

I've sat down to write several posts recently. I was going to write another excerpt from John Poster's book "Meals for Males" and I got distracted looking at the funny French names he gave his pheasant recipes. Hi-larious.

I also wanted to write about our housing project: we found out Dana's lease is not up until 2/09 so we have a good four months until we move out of this 650 sq ft studio apartment. The house hunt will have to be postponed at least until the first of the year.

My new job started on Thursday. In two weeks I will work a whopping 17 hours - clearly this is not enough, but apparently all the other stores I applied to in our mall are competitors of this store. And the two that weren't sent me a thanks-but-no-thanks letter.

I'm totally jealous of everyone who was privileged enough to go to the NYC Sexbloggers' Calendar debut party. Debauchery was bound to "ensue" as they say. *sigh* Everything fun happens in New York!

My anxiety got the best of me - I am not one for protests because they tend to give me claustrophobia. I did not go, please forgive me. Instead I did my part to further the gay agenda by going to a pet adoption expo!

It is nearing the end of the semester and I will have my nose in actual books for about the next six weeks. One of my final papers is about the writings of Denise Chavez. The other paper will be an "autoethnography" where I talk about the effects of culture on myself as it relates to queer theory. I've chosen once again to talk about the femme identity. My professor wants me to answer the question, "how does femme queer femininity?" for indeed it does. I'm supposed to write about moments in my life that helped to shape my femme identity. I'll write about those scenes another time. I'm a bit behind in homework too, so expect to see and hear from me even less than you already do. I read everyone's writings, but I am just having so much trouble formulating my thoughts.

Next Wednesday I'm being inducted into my university's founding chapter of iota iota iota, which is an honor society for undergraduates focushttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifing in Women's Studies. The color is lavender - isn't that nice? It's named for Inana, Ishtar and Isis.

Dana's new job promised her 40 hours and has totally disregarded that commitment. Although she is getting the most hours out of everyone, she is still getting less than forty. She actually makes less at the new job than she did at the old horrible sucky job because she ended up working overtime before, whereas she is not allowed to now. Looking for new or second job now, as money is way, way tight. With a move on the horizon, we both need to bringing in as much moola as possible. Life is not propelled by my smiling face alone, but by the bank.

Should I or shouldn't I arrange play dates with a certain pair of beautiful people? yea or nay? It sounds like a good idea, I definitely could see it working out, but at the same time there are always risks, you know? I don't want to risk my beautiful partner in exchange for a fleeting thrill. But I also see the value in expanding one's personal horizons. If it happens, I think they're going to have to make the first move.

I'm now uninsured. Health is doing alright, but the main thing is eating right, eating small meals at frequent intervals, and taking meds on time. We purchased a bathroom scale the other day, which is a good measure of how my overall blood glucose is doing. Sugar goes up, weight goes up, and the opposite is also true.

Taking everything into consideration, however, I'm feeling absolutely fabulous. I am more and more in love with Dana. I feel more and more comfortable with our relationship. We talk about everything, we welcome change and progress, and we constantly reaffirm to each other our commitment to making things work. She sure means a whole lot to me.

when it rains, it pours.

I'm having a hard time you guys.

10/10 is when my dad died, to start things off.

on top of that, work had a "clarifying conversation" with me tonight, which is the first step in a very long process that culminates in getting fired if you don't get the hint to resign quick enough. It's because my job is collections, and I don't like taking money from poor people even when they signed up to be robbed anyway.

worried about my mom's job sitch, too.

And I had an appointment with the my PCP and all seemed fine until labwork came back saying that my Hemoglobin A1c was higher than it was when they started treatment for diabetes. normal range is like under "5" and mine went from 6.5 to 7.5 in the past six months. It was definitely not a drastic change, nor was it over a short period of time, but a lab nurse called the next day and was trying to force me into taking another medicine. I wanted to know what it was for, I wanted to know why the doctor picked that medicine over another medicine, and I wanted to know for chrissakes why I'm 24 years old with relative good health and taking 7 pills a day. The number keeps rising every 2 months and I swear to the gods it has to STOP somewhere. It has to.

On top of my health, Dana's has several pretty worrisome health concerns that are too private to talk about in this space. And there's nothing I can do to help, so I just have to be as supportive as I can and try not to let it all overwhelm me.

I'm probably not doing so great emotionally at the moment because this is day 2 back on my birth control pills which is to regulate my period. I have polycystic ovary syndrome according to the doctors who could find no cysts (yet a disease involving cysts was their diagnosis as to why I don't get a period unless it's pharmaceutically induced?). SO starting a new pill pack after having been off it since June due to a screw up at the pharmacy after my annual checkup. Not fun.

Add to all this the school work I'm supposed to be doing. And the guilt I feel over the fact that half of my medical problems are actually preventable with appropriate diet and exercise. I feel like my collections job is actually causing my health to decline. Stress levels raise insulin and cortisol and all that stuff, causing me to gain wait, and then my PCOS gets bad... It's all interrelated and I feel like I have no control over it even though it's technically controllable without the use of drugs.

And what do I do about my job? I hate my job and I think this conversation with my boss tonight was basically the universe saying "HEY! Quit whining and go find a new job!" The trouble is that it is not so easy.

Dear the Universe,
I am in very dire need of an emotionally fulfilling job that gives me flexible hours, supports my school schedule, pays my bills, and makes me feel like I am making a difference in the world. I would prefer it to have nothing to do with sales or collections - other people's money is really not my thing. Please also include health benefits and pto.

Thanks,

Miss A.

Get a gender!!

I realize that I've missed Monday, and thus "Monday" Meals for Males. I'm sorry. I'll try to do it tomorrow! Right now I would like to tell you about this young person that we saw skateboarding on Sunday. We went to Denny's for breakfast on Sunday afternoon (it's actually a very good restaurant, as far as breakfast goes, but only this particular location). As we were driving through the parking lot, we saw a group of what we assumed to be young men. Teenage boys. As is customary of white teenagers in this moment, they all had long hair, tight jeans, and black band t-shirts. We have been talking about gender, and how to be a "good enough" man or woman (or whatever) and I am totally supportive of whatever gender you choose. Dana mused, "is that a boy or a girl!" and I was like, "clearly, it's a boy" although I was not sure which one she was pointing to because they were all mildly ambiguous. After lunch we went around the back roads on the way to the bank and we encountered the same young person that Dana had pointed out. I instantly recognized why she was so confused about what gender the person was. He was wearing a rainbow headband and had shoulder-length, flat-ironed, crazy wild dyed-black hair. In jest, I couldn't help but exclaim "get a gender!" -- not to him, just in the car. The young person was probably male, and was probably performing his gender in was that are appropriate to his peers. I feel old.

fingers, ugh.

Dana cut her right index finger. Sad! And it's her good hand, too! There was an accident with the meat slicer at work, and the first thing I asked when I got there to drive her to the walk in clinic was, "did you cut it off or just cut it? She assured me that it was just a flap. I won't lie, it's a pretty bad cut that required four stitches and a tetanus shot, but luckily her uninsured self is indeed insured by worker's compensation law. thank god. the doctor who stitched her up could have been queer, but there wasn't any hard evidence. thankfully everything was free, including the script for pain meds -- which means... We got free darvocet! Hah! Not that I would ever break the law and take someone else's prescription. *wink*

We went to see the local vaudeville/burlesque show Saturday night, which was pretty great. It was a little too zombie-centric and I'm really not into the living dead so I was disappointed by that. But there were lots of cute girls in bras and underwear and lots and lots of lesbians. woo! I should say, though, the drinks at this particular club are awful. If you're not getting a shot or a beer, don't even waste your money. Worst cosmopolitan I've ever had, with the exception of the one time the old man behind the bar though a cosmopolitan was vodka and grenadine. Nope! Try again.

There was even one who was about the size, shape and age of Crave and it made me miss her a little bit. I'm ever so fond of her girl-boyness. Crave and I are spirits that speaks the same language, sometimes we chance to meet in a forest clearing where the sun shines down and we share precious few words together. I don't think even we know why or by what means we are so drawn to each other. Strangers.

It was nice to have a date with Dana, to be out and about in public. In the morning I have sooo much homework to do, and I am not looking forward to it. Whoever decided that college should be so much work? Am I just a slacker? I mean. I only work 35 hours a week, but I still feel overwhelmed by all the homework. Blegh. Of course it is women's studies - notorious for tons and tons of mostly redundant, although very interesting, articles and books. We shall see.

Miss you all dearly! Love and kissies!

busy bees

I have to say, and I hate to say, writing here has become somewhat of a chore. It does not flow easily as it used to. I forget the things that I meant to tell you about, and I groan to think of how many days it has been since my last post of substance. I don't even count hits anymore, I can hardly find time to read and respond to the legion butch/femme and sexuality writers out there. And let me tell you, they are legion. The number of people I read now, vs. whom I read a year ago has probably doubled if not tripled. I can't keep up with all your fantastic theory, self revelation and revelry, and even the reality checks that bring things into focus.

I'm not saying I'm going to stop writing altogether, because I'm sure once I get back in the groove of things, I'll be scribbling off notes to myself left and right. I've been very pleased to delve into Queer Theory: An Introduction and American Queer, Now and Then and Gendering Bodies.

If you're looking for great writing about gender troubles or the thin lines between butch and trans, definitely look for writings by the distinguished sociology and feminist professor Dr. Sara Crawley. Ze has several rather engaging publications in print right now, one of which I used for the paper I gave on Femme legitimacy in the queer community. Read "Prioritizing Audiences: Exploring the Differences Between Stone Butch and Transgender Selves". It'll rock your transmasculine world.

Since I have reported myself as somewhat of a sexblog, but more of a life/queerness/women's issues blog lately... I should tell you that the sex is um... infrequent but very, very good. You know it's good when it lasts you a few days. When it's really good, we've found each other saying, "last night was so nice!" I get little text messages saying, "I can't stop thinking about how good you made me feel!" Right now our love is not that voracious, raging, new love. It has simmered and sizzled into a satisfying, comfortable, snuggle-me-at-night love, we are not tragic, we are not heroic, we are not married, she is not my wife. But we coexist so peacefully, she and I.

So many months of begging the universe to bring me someone good for me and here she is. It's not all peaches and cream (oooh... peaches and cream!) -- close -- but it is steady and calm.

I found myself missing the sacred circle of the Body Electric School the other day. Sunday. I had not felt that void in some time, but it was there. A womyn-only-space shaped hole in my heart. Naked singing and dancing hole. A gap the shape of pushing boundaries. A comfortable velvet cloak, that void. I used to talk about the void in Mexico and Cuba...

hay un vacio en el corazon. todas tienen este vacio... y atemptamos llenarlo con cosas varias pero... pero solamente Dios puede llenarlo.

I used to say that only God could fill the void. Now, I think what fills that void is self love. Remember, I used to preach Jesus... but the word "Jesus" came out sound like "love thyself!"

Do it people. Love yourselves. Please do it. It is so very, so very important to me.



I am a lover-healer...
I am a lover-healer...

as butch as a hunk of machinery!

I just finished watching "Before Stonewall" on netflix (you can watch it streaming online if you have a subscription at any level) and I do believe that I met myself in 50 years. "Lisa Ben" or Edith Eyde. My hero. She sings with a spanish guitar, and parodied this song

The Girl That I Marry
The girl that I marry will have to be
as soft and as pink as a nursery.
The girl that I call my own
will wear satins and laces and smell of cologne.
Her nails will be polished and in her hair
she'll wear a gardenia and I'll be there
'Stead of flittin' I'll be sittin' next to her
and she'll purr like a kitten.
A doll I can carry the girl that I marry must be.

But instead -- and I must tell you that I stopped the movie and went back so I could write it down -- she sang:

The Girl That I Marry
The girl that I marry will probably be
as butch as a hunk of machinery.
The girl I idolize ... will wear slacks with flat fronts*,
tailored shirts and bow ties
She'll walk with a swagger and wear short hair
And keep me entranced with her tomboy air
Instead of cruisin I'll be using
Her shoulder to lean on while snoozin
A faint hearted fairy, the girl I marry won't be!

clearly, an ode to butches. do you see how she's my hero? dana watched her singing so sweetly and said, "honey it's you!" we had a good laugh about it.

*flat fronts? I'm not sure about that, I had some trouble discernign that line.

Apparently I'm also channeling bell hooks because as I was introducing myself to my class (Literature by Women of Color in the Diaspora), my professor - the distinguished Dr. Gary Lemons, author of "Black. Male. Outsider" - said that as he was watching me speak, watching this white woman speak, he felt as though he was listening to bell hooks. She was actually his dissertation adviser as a Ph.D. student at (i think) NYU.

[edit] Originally I had written that it was ms Audre Lorde, but HussyRed is right in the comments, I had forgotten she passed away when I was just a wee lass. bell hooks will be visiting, though, and I'll be interested to see the comparison.

new horizons seem so far away

I'm still not doing very well, but I took a much needed unplanned day off yesterday which helped tremendously. I was feeling ill, I was cramping, and Dana had the day off. I wanted to be with her. I spent the majority of the day basically glued to her side, requiring her affections. We had dinner with Stefanie, had a Border's run (I've been spending my excess lack of funds there a lot lately). Spent the day mostly looking for a new job on the internet, looking up massage schools in NY state, looking up job opportunities in Jersey, and generally being weepy and asking the Universe what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

I haven't written much about sex or sexuality or anything of late, and for that I hope to do some kind of penance. But sex with Dana has lately felt so very private, I have been wanting to hold it in my heart and not share it. It has been about reconnecting with her, it has been full of loving, tender touch. I have been filling my life with relaxing music, guided meditations and deep breaths. I've been trying to get to the breath of life, as it seems to have escaped me. I'm reaching for my dreams because I've put them on the back burner for a year and a half. Won't you forgive me? Life just doesn't revolve around my sex or gender right now.

Westward Fever

I've been catching Westward Fever. Gradually, but surely. Late last year some time Kay and Ash started planning on going out west. Portland, specifically. Sol and Autumn had also planned a trek toward the Pacific. I wasn't so keen on the idea at first, but the South has been sneaking further and further out of my good graces, what with the anti-intellectualism and anti-feminist harrassment of my university administrators. Not to mention the outright racism of Southern people, and the local government's neglect and mishandling of social justice problems.

The whole time I was visiting Crave, she was planning for a scouting trip with her best friend, up and down the West coast to decide on a city, or a region whereto relocate. I'm totally jealous and I want to go with them in a bad way. Of course I can't, but I can dream from home. I've been looking up Portland on the internet, and dreaming about Seattle this afternoon and I'm totally hooked. I mean, I don't want to leave the South and join all the other intellectuals in a safe haven wherein to huddle, hoping that the rest of the country will start tagging along, but I'm no Jesus, I'm no Mother Theresa. I am not here to save the world, I can simply look out for myself and the ones I love.

The earliest I would be able to go out West is probably May of next year, which is hopefully when I will graduate with my WST degree (if, that is, my university stops cancelling classes and thwarting feminist thought). Maybe by then, if I have and keep this goal to move, I will be stable enough financially to pick up and make this profound change to my life. Moving Westward will also mean massage school. I've been really wanting to go to massage school for probably 3-4 years now, ever since Kay came back into my life and she showed my the wonders of body work. I am ready for the fulfilling work of healing people. It is indeed my heart's desire, and my soul's basic purpose.

Sexual Orientation Study

From Julie Arseneau:
Below is the announcement for my dissertation study. I'm seeking participation from same-sex attracted individuals. Please consider participating if you are eligible, and/or forwaring this announcement to others. Thank you for your assistance!

We are writing to inform you about a research study being conducted at the University of Maryland on beliefs about sexual orientation held by same-sex attracted people. You are encouraged to participate if you identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, bi-curious, queer, questioning, or otherwise same-sex attracted.

Participation involves the completion of several online questionnaires and will take approximately 20-30 minutes. After completing the survey, you may enter into a drawing for one of five $20 American Express gift cards. You may also assist with this project by forwarding this e-mail request to LGBT-themed organizations and listservs, and/or to same-sex attracted individuals.

Questions about this study may be directed to Julie Arseneau at jra87@umd.edu or Dr. Ruth E. Fassinger at rfassing@umd.edu. This project has been reviewed and approved by the University of Maryland Institutional Review Board.

If you are interested in participating in this study please follow the link provided below or cut and paste the link into your web browser:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=F7GP0BfvernmmL22FwZtfw_3d_3d

i'm on the seven year plan

Summer Course:
3225 Women, Environment and Gender

Fall Courses:
4930 Queer Theory
4262 Literature by Women of the Diaspora
3220 European History of Feminism

Spring 2009
Capstone - Senior Seminar, Take Two

fun while it lasted.

Fuck!

MY ENTIRE WOMEN'S STUDIES DEPARTMENT IS GETTING CUT.

Fucking cut! Like entirely! Like it's simply not going to exist anymore. And I'm not finished until next FALL!.

*has fit*

I'll update you when I have more information. I'm going to class tonight.

I might be going to massage school sooner than I expected...

beloved ones

I have not commented on the recent killings of queer people in the last few weeks, but allow me to introduce to you someone who has done so. She's a very tender heart, very loving and special. She is quite a treasure. Ellen!



Yeah. What she said. Because hate is where evil originates.

A Matter of Intent

This piece has been featured in 55th Carnival of Feminists and in Sugasm #121

I wrote this paper last semester for my Classic in Feminist Theory seminar. I had been immersed in gender theory the entire semester after discovering some very important sources on lesbian gender, and I want to make this available to you all. There has been a lot of talk lately about wether or not passing is a privilege. I basically stand with Sinclair, that if we start blaming each other and fighting over who's more oppressed or endangered, we are taking our energy away from the important work of making a space for ourselves in society. Butches should not have to feel guilty for any masculine privilege and femmes should not have to be blamed for the flack that masculine women endure for their visible queerness. It's not our fault - it's the fault of homophobic people who hold their prejudice against us. Please don't steal my work - my name isn't in it because this is anonymous, but I feel like it's important enough to share.

Femme: A Matter of Intent

I never grew up as much of a “girly” girl. While I sometimes reveled in skirts and Easter dresses that my mother sewed especially for me, I still wore them to run and play in the dirt, and to climb trees, play on jungle gyms, and swing from monkey bars. Rarely, at least in my very young years, did I notice whether my activities were meant for a boy or a girl, but rather, I enjoyed life for what it was. When I finally started giving myself a gender without the help of my parents, my femininity was noticeably imperfect. I always smudged my makeup by accident, I never matched my clothes very well, my hair was frizzy and I never took the time to make it smooth. I failed at femininity, and there was no one to impress, so I gave up and did “my own thing” throughout high school and until my first few years of college. In the past year, though, I have been rewriting my femininity in the context of a newfound queer community. I’ve known since my first year in high school that I am romantically interested in other women, but it has taken me the last decade to fully integrate myself into queer culture. This queer culture now allows me to define myself in terms of femininity again without feeling shame – my femininity was for the appreciation of other women and not for men, so I had nothing to fear. This time, being feminine meant having the freedom to embrace my gender without being mistaken for something else – for a weak, passive, quiet woman, which I am not. My gender is “Femme.” This title provides me with a way to participate in the current (ancient, endless) job of redefining femininity by queer standards that make a woman strong, daring and loud. That, I can live with!

Description
Historically, three main stereotypes of lesbian gender have prevailed – the archetypal genders, “femme”, “butch” and “androgynous”, and like any archetype would, “all three of these bring images and ideas into lesbians’ minds that are collectively held visions” (Loulan 20). While lesbian feminism sought to terminate the butch/femme dichotomy because of it’s apparent mimicry of heterosexuality, preferring the safety of androgyny, the movement’s effects on butch and femme themselves as valuable signifiers was limited:

Today lesbians . . . still rate themselves on a butch/femme scale. Lesbians still unconsciously know the difference between a soft butch and a stone butch, a femme-of-center and an aggressive femme – even if they don’t admit it . . . Butch and femme are unique archetypes of our subculture. (Loulan 25)

So, with the rejection of butch and femme in the 1970s, androgyny, a sort of “none of the above” category has become the safest space for lesbians within their own community, yet women continue to describe themselves on the butch-femme chart they call “old-culture” (Loulan 27).

The Butch Femme Continuum appears as follows:

Butch <------------------->Androgynous<------------------->Femme

The femme gender is physically and behaviorally similar to the heterosexual female gender, but femmes themselves see the “femme identity as distinct from and critical of naturalized notions of femininity” (Rose and Camilleri 14) because of differences in politics, attitude, and relational styles. In a collection of writings about femmes, Brazen Femme: Queering Femininity, Chloë Brushwood Rose and Anna Camilleri have attempted to define femme saying that “Femme is inherently ‘queer’” (12) and that furthermore,

Femme might be described as “femininity gone wrong” – bitch, slut, nag, whore, cougar, dyke, or brazen hussy. Femme is the trappings of femininity gone awry, gone to town, gone to the dogs. Femininity is a demand placed on female bodies and femme is the danger of a body read female or inappropriately feminine. We are not all good girls – perhaps we are not girls at all . . . Many femmes are lesbians, but femmes are also drag queens, straight sex workers, nelly fags, all strong women (emphasis mine) and sassy men. (13)

Most femme lesbians can even pass for heterosexual women, but do they want to pass? Maybe some do. Telling the two apart – femme lesbians and heterosexual women – proves to be essentially impossible if the analysis is based solely on appearances, so whoever wants to know has to dig a little bit deeper. While feminine lesbians who pass for “straight” may avoid some of the stigma of sexual deviance, they are alienated from the queer communities who feel that their passing status takes for granted the hardships that non-passing lesbians face. Rather, “Femmes who pass against their will hate how they are treated – as unattached heterosexual women” (Loulan 91). A femme by herself is seen as merely a failed heterosexual – she was a “dud” in the way that Freud imagined women on the whole as being “failed” or “incomplete” men. As a femme, I have envied butches and androgynous women for their “visibility” because, at least to me, being visibly queer means not having to deal with as many unwanted advances, not having to “come out” all the time because people misjudge my sexual orientation, and it also means having queer legitimacy because while femmes are radical within their intimate relationships, “femininity . . . cannot be seen as resistant in any capacity” (Maltry and Tucker 94). Rather than being able to pass, some femmes, myself included, might say they actually suffer to pass – queer consciousness underscores the femme existence for femmes’ apparent failure to subvert the heteronormative paradigm. They figuratively lose their “dyke card” even though they choose intimate relationships with other women! Femmes subvert the heterosexual paradigm simply by choosing femininity instead of accepting it as nature’s design.

The butch gender is a masculinity tailored to fit the female bodied, but it is also distinctly unlike that masculinity which biological men may exhibit. The degree of masculinity varies from person to person and throughout time and across cultures, so some women who exist in the periphery of butch identity have struggled at times to be accepted into the informal butch fraternity, depending on which characteristics they adopt and how strongly. Some butch women can pass for men, but by identifying as butch, they recognize their femaleness and so deconstruct any claim by heterosexuals that they are all women who wish to be men. Some butches can also “pass” for women if the necessity should ever arise, but they clearly disdain for such passing when it comes up in conversation. Carol Queen writes endearingly of butch women:

Strong. I mean physically strong. Sexual, with a look in the eye that caresses and undresses. Attitude that comes from never fitting in, maybe from never even having tried. Butch. . . . What is butch? Rebellion against women’s lot, against gender-role imperatives that pit boyness against girlness and then assign you-know-who the short straw. Butch is a giant fuck YOU! To compulsory femininity, just as lesbianism says to compulsory heterosexuality. (15)

Butches are gender transgressors by personal necessity and since the personal is political, the public sees this as an outright political statement. Not so with femmes. But to me, while femme may signify femininity gone wrong, butch exhibits masculinity done right. Not all queer genders are a purposeful subversion, an undermining of traditional and heterosexual gender roles. Rather, it is a matter of individual intent.

While many lesbians may still define themselves by these titles, I have noticed younger dykes have increasingly refused these three labels and the genders that accompany them. Instead, they identify themselves as something other, something outside the butch-femme continuum. They seem to reject gender specifics altogether, but I wonder if we all call ourselves “miscellaneous” how we will know how to interact with one another? Centuries of debate lead us to the belief that gender is not innate, but is rather the set learned characteristics that guide men’s and women’s behavior. The Western mindset has separated the genders into masculine and feminine, but I think the concept of gender is broader than that. I do think it is true, children are socialized to distinguish between genders, and to express a sex-appropriate gender, but I also recognize that I have always been femme in the way that my butch friends have always been butch, regardless of any gendered upbringing. When some of my butch friends were little girls, they squeezed and contorted their boyishness because they were punished for it. They tried to hide it underneath a feminine façade. In that very same way, I also tried to compress and disfigure my girlishness because it attracted unwanted attention. I deemphasized my womanly shape when I grew it, and tried to play tough. Finally, somewhere in our teens or twenties, we realized our true genders and have discovered the bravery to act them out publicly. So, perhaps there is a part of gender that is innate, but we must not mistakenly think that any one gender is “meant” for any particular sex. Yet, it is necessary to define gender in order to determine its origins. Gender is more than just the clothes we wear, but how we wear them, how we feel in them. Gender has to do with manners and mannerisms. Gender is a set of rules by which we regulate behaviors, it is simply another category by which we organize our world into something manageable. I think that gender is also a way of thinking about and interacting with society at large. Our genders give us and others a framework by which to understand each other better.

Analysis
While the femme gender has liberated me from any obligation to meet heteronormative standards of femininity, it has also presented me with a number of problems to work through because invariably, I do meet some of the standards. Just last month I went to a bar by myself (which I do frequently) to meet up with someone I had met a few nights before. Immediately upon arrival, a man commented on my appearance. I was dressed conservatively, wearing business slacks, a pink shirt and a sweater – yet to my disappointment, he conjured up the courage to tell me that I am very attractive. Later, as I sat alone, he joined me again and attempted to make small talk, perhaps hoping to make some kind of connection. I had to tell him outright that I am not interested in men whatsoever, and he was taken surprise! He said, “But you are so beautiful, how can you be like that?” What this gentleman wondered was how I could choose to be a lesbian if I can clearly take my pick of whatever male I want. The idea itself goes back to lesbian pulp fiction of the 1950s where the femme still lacks for sexual agency,

“The feminine invert is either threatened or manipulated into the same-sex sexual dynamic by the masculine invert. She does not then choose her sexual expression, but is coerced into it. Another perception was that the feminine invert expressed inversion because she had been rejected by men and had no other option.” (Maltry and Tucker 89)

The established gender stereotypes for lesbians define all lesbians as being outwardly masculine, such that all masculine women are considered queer, whether or not they are actually gay – and some masculine women are not! To say that all lesbian women are at least a little bit masculine is to completely erase the legitimacy of feminine lesbians. Femmes live in a state of continual “coming out” because their appearance does not fit the stereotype. Even when they do verbally “out” themselves to others, few may believe it, and thus neither queers nor heterosexuals afford femmes a queer legitimacy. In fact, say Maltry and Tucker, “It is precisely the lesbian feminist demonization that permitted the butch to emerge relatively unscathed but that obliterated the femme” (94). So, since lesbians are not allowed to be femmes, they face a compulsory heterosexuality that strips the femme “not only of her identity, but of any understanding of her identity as subversive” (94).

Lesbianism in society shifts the power imbalance away from men and into the hands of women who share their resources, and the comforts of their sex, with other women. With this in mind, if the patriarchal system can make as many lesbians as possible look invisible, then they can believe for a little while longer that men still have an all-access pass to female sexuality. Perhaps, to the mindset of the heterosexual male, if she walks like a straight girl and talks like a straight girl, then she’s fair game – if she’s a dyke, that is ok, he (thinks he) can change her mind. We have discussed in class that most lesbian pornography is geared toward a straight male audience, so men are receiving this message and not thinking critically about it. Logically, it follows that if some girls will kiss other girls for the camera so that he can enjoy it, then any girl who is feminine like them must not really be gay, she’s just showing off, or she just “hasn’t found the right man, yet.” Mainstream heterosexual consciousness cannot conceive of butches and androgynous females as being women because they do not match the gender role established for “woman”, but femmes do match the gender role. By apparently “conforming” (although I dare say a scarce few femme women consider themselves conformists!) to femininity, femmes fall under the category of “woman,” and (at least loosely) fit the beauty standards prescribed by the patriarchy. Thus, as true women, they are for men. But femmes are the epitome of what you see is (not) what you get – they are the very definition of “too good to be true” for heterosexual males because femme is sexy, womanly, and kisses other girls – what more could he want? But it’s a dirty trick he plays on himself. The fact that a femme kisses other girls means that she is not sexually available to him. To him, this is a cruel sabotage.

Vision
The gentleman I met at the bar last month had to ask me how long I have been a lesbian and why I decided to “change” before he could be convinced that I truly was not interested in him! Imagine if I had not had such an effective alibi – imagine if I had been a straight woman. What would I have said? I want to live in a world where femmes and other feminine people can say “no” and not have to repeat or explain themselves to heterosexual men, regardless of their own sexual orientation. I want to be taken at my word; no means no, not yes. We must have an effective way to ward off unwanted sexual comments and advances from people we are not interested in. Females must be allowed to choose their gender and present it accordingly without facing discrimination or erasure of their significance as part of queer society. Perhaps it is too daunting a task to stop everyone from making any assumptions about anyone whatsoever, since we use appearance to label everything – we judge race, class, ability, and compatibility with ourselves based on outward signifiers. I don’t think the system of assumption is intrinsically wrong, but it is misused and its purposes are misunderstood. I hope that in the future we will find some way to acknowledge the existence of stereotypes but not focus ourselves so very intently upon them that we are blind to any variation. What fortune have I, that my femme gender mocks the gender assigned to my sex, but not everyone has that luck! I want gender to be a safe space for people, I want it to be a way that we can call ourselves the same and different without fear.

I almost wish I could actually have that proverbial “dyke card” which I could flash if I ever need to become visible at a moment’s notice. If any polite but determined gentleman should approach me again, I will be able to put a stop to his insistent, “But why? What does she have that I don’t have?” simply by showing my smiling face on a shiny laminate card labeled “Dyke // Class: Femme // Name: None of Your Business.” But it is not that simple. After thinking over and over about how femme women might become outwardly visible, I have come to the conclusion that it is simply not possible with the current state of Western society. We will have to redefine the meaning of femininity and write queer femme into the script.

Strategy
Radical feminist thought has the best chance of actually working out a solution to this problem compared with other feminist traditions because it requires a total rethinking of what it means to be woman and what queer looks like on the body of a female. I am compelled to bulldoze the entire structure and start new from scratch but that is a task that requires the cooperation of a multitude of people. It requires that the infrastructure of gender roles and stereotypes be utterly demolished and replaced by some other relational system. For the time being, I will suggest some minor renovations that are more easily accomplished, and may be considered stepping stones toward a free future. I do not wish to do away with gender “roles” entirely because I value the “naming” of things, I have found freedom in my title, but we must have the freedom to choose between roles.

Firstly, I want to encourage the people who revel in contradictions to continue to do this revolutionary work, and not to limit themselves to likeminded communities – go out and become a missionary to the masses and show them that some dykes are girly, and many gay men are masculine, and that transgender and genderqueer people exist! That is an extravagant dream, and I wonder how many brave souls there are who will actually pursue it despite the prejudice and discrimination that persists. Femmes themselves will be the most important catalysts in changing the “female = feminine = straight” thought process by putting on their big girl underwear and going out, loud and proud, in the world. Femme has to start speaking up for herself and writing herself back into the history of the women’s movement and into the story of lesbian history, where whoever’s in charge has made her existence insignificant.

Secondly, the educational system will require a complete overhaul, at least where gender socialization is concerned. Children need to learn that gender diversity exists and that there are (or there should be) very real consequences to discriminatory practice based on gender identity, or on anything else for that matter! We must re-educate teachers about child gender socialization so that they will know how to reinforce and encourage children’s individual gender expression, whatever it may look like. This goes for gender, but, as always, the situation is even more complicated by the race and class. Where discrimination exists based upon one thing, it has the potential to exist on the basis of anything else.

Promoting the visibility of femmes also requires that we establish a body of writing that validates femininity in the queer existence. I think it is reasonable to believe that writers started all previous revolutions by writing honestly about their thoughts, feelings and experiences. Perhaps these papers were passed around in secret and everyone added his or her ideas to the back of the book until it was full. And when everyone had read it, finally everyone agreed and a unified movement began. This revolution starts with Brazen Femme: Queering Femininity, and with the fearless individuals who make it a habit of saying “no” and meaning it. In the end, femmes and other feminine people would never have to say no more than once in order to be heard. The revolution would result in femme queers getting their voices back from a life of having proverbial laryngitis. Femme would be a legitimate, subversive, recognizable queer existence that does not trivialize the struggle gender non-conformant people endure.

References:
Brushwood Rose, Chloë and Camilleri, Anna. “Introduction, A Brazen Posture.” Brazen Femme: Queering Femininity. Ed. Chloë Brushwood Rose and Anna Camilleri. Vancouver: Arsenal Pulp Press, 2002. 11-14.

Loulan, Jo Ann. The Lesbian Erotic Dance. San Francisco: Spinsters Book Company, 1990.

Maltry, Melanie and Tucker, Kristin. “Female Fem(me)ininities: New Articulations in Queer Gender Identities and Subversion.” Femme/Butch: New Considerations on the Way We Want to Go. Ed. Michelle Gibson and Deborah T. Meem. New York: Haworth Press, 2002. 89-102.

Queen, Carol A. “Why I Love Butch Women.” Dagger: On Butch Women. Ed. Lily Burana, Roxxie and Linnea Due. Pittsburgh: Cleis Press, Inc., 1994. 15-23.

low

I'm in a really low place right now. I said no to a very opportune living arrangement, but I'm in that rediculous bracket where I make too much money for subsidized housing and not enough money for standard rentals. Unless I get a roommate. But that's such a tricksy situation. I don't want to live with someone I don't know because god knows who they could turn out to be, and I have not yet found any other friends who need a roommate. Now I'm regretting the fact that I turned down the most obvious, the easiest option. Up shit creek without a paddle. On top of that, I'm in debt and I work part time because of school - and I'm not even doing that well in school this semester. Something's gotta change.

March 31, 2008 - here I come.