Crash Landing

I've been on the go since I got back from the workshop. Not a day to myself until today. But the unraveling process couldn't wait until I had a peaceful day off. No. I've been unraveling since I "crash" landed home. I had to go to work that same day, and the next day, and the day after that. Then, on Saturday we got up early and went to the pride parade and did fun things all day. Sunday I went to church and then cooked for four freaking hours for Dana's surprise birthday party (which went off with nary a hitch!). Yesterday I had to work, and then Dana kinda had it out over Crave. A lot of it had to do with misunderstandings, and some of it has to do with the fact that we are still fairly new to one another and we are still cultivating a sense of security with one another. It was hard.

This morning, though. She said, "I'm sorry you miss Crave" (as in, "I'm sorry it hurts") and she said "I'm sorry she doesn't feel the same way for you as you feel for her" (as in, again, "I'm sorry it hurts") -- It's true. It's hurting a lot.

Today I am in hot pursuit of change. I had a massage from Crave last Monday and something snapped inside me. For several years I've had a tentative plan to attend massage school. This time with Crave, I understood that the healing power of massage can have so much to do with emotions, spirit, and mind. Before, it had always been about the physical. To get me started in the right direction, I bought a massage textbook to work through over the next few months, and I also started looking up different massage schools. If I stay in Florida I'll have to do 600 hours of class. If I go to New York state, I'll have to do 1000 hours, but I'll be able to practice anywhere. NY will also offer me the change of scenery that I need. I don't have to stay there forever, but I could use that as a runway to someplace else.

My fluttering Gemini heart needs change to survive, and I've been doing the same damn thing for way too long. (Funny. A year seems like such a long time. One day I'll really have to settle down.)

Westward Fever

I've been catching Westward Fever. Gradually, but surely. Late last year some time Kay and Ash started planning on going out west. Portland, specifically. Sol and Autumn had also planned a trek toward the Pacific. I wasn't so keen on the idea at first, but the South has been sneaking further and further out of my good graces, what with the anti-intellectualism and anti-feminist harrassment of my university administrators. Not to mention the outright racism of Southern people, and the local government's neglect and mishandling of social justice problems.

The whole time I was visiting Crave, she was planning for a scouting trip with her best friend, up and down the West coast to decide on a city, or a region whereto relocate. I'm totally jealous and I want to go with them in a bad way. Of course I can't, but I can dream from home. I've been looking up Portland on the internet, and dreaming about Seattle this afternoon and I'm totally hooked. I mean, I don't want to leave the South and join all the other intellectuals in a safe haven wherein to huddle, hoping that the rest of the country will start tagging along, but I'm no Jesus, I'm no Mother Theresa. I am not here to save the world, I can simply look out for myself and the ones I love.

The earliest I would be able to go out West is probably May of next year, which is hopefully when I will graduate with my WST degree (if, that is, my university stops cancelling classes and thwarting feminist thought). Maybe by then, if I have and keep this goal to move, I will be stable enough financially to pick up and make this profound change to my life. Moving Westward will also mean massage school. I've been really wanting to go to massage school for probably 3-4 years now, ever since Kay came back into my life and she showed my the wonders of body work. I am ready for the fulfilling work of healing people. It is indeed my heart's desire, and my soul's basic purpose.

Crave, in Jersey this time

Well, kids, my plane going into Georgia from Newark was delayed by two full hours so I had to miss my connection to Florida and sleep overnight in the airport. Not a fun thing. If nothing else, though, that gave me plenty of time to process. The journal I've been working on has been slow going but I think I wrote about ten pages. My visit with Crave was overall very good. I met her at work on Sunday night, bleary eyed and floating outside my body. We grabbed some supper at a diner in Jersey and went back to her place. It was overall a pleasant evening. We relaxed and spent some time watching a video about affirmations and positive thought. It dawned on my that this what I spend so much of my time trying to drill into people. When you speak, things happen, so choose your words precisely with that in mind.

Dana was a bit worried on Sunday night because she knows how much Crave had affected me on our last visit, but you know you can't predict the future from the past. We were very content to keep a friendly physical distance.

Crave, to me, is a kindred spirit, she is a bosom friend from another lifetime, lord knows how long ago. Crave is precious to me.

Since she's an MT, I had a massage the night before I left her, mostly to work out the knots from just having been tied-up-and-dragged-around-on-the-floor at the workshop Sunday. But she incorporated some energy healing into the massage - a welcome practise. As she worked on my back, it felt like she had opened up holes, drains in my back to release a lot of stuff I've been hanging onto. When I turned over they closed back up again. I was fine, I was doing great until she left the room so I could get up and it happened again. A wash of healing tears fell out of me and I melted. I guess I wasn't really upset with anything i particular, but she somehow locates my stuck places exactly and knows how to open them.

No one makes me cry like that. No one. I am not one to be crying at the drop of a hat, but I feel so free to be vulnerable around Crave. She invites healing and I guess that's how my body heals.

There's more to write but I gatta run to work. I'm back in my body, but I still feel upside down in it. I need some quiet time.

Workshop preparations

In about sixteen hours I'll be on my way to the airport to make another pilgrimage to the Center of the Universe (a.k.a. New York City!). So freaking excited.

I'll be staying in a hotel in the Financial District for the first two nights, and then for the rest of the time I'll be in Jersey with Crave. Say what? Crave? Yep. I'm super excited to see her and I've been talking things over with Dana and we both seem to feel fairly settled about it. At least Dana says she's glad to have me spend more time with Crave. I hesitate to believe her, but she's convinced me so far.

Getting to see Crave brings up so many emotions for me. I'm afraid that I'll just feel like crying when I see her. I'm afraid that the connection we forged in January will have faded by now, with time and distance between us. But at the same time Crave seems just as eager to see me as I am to see her. I'll be meeting up with her Sunday evening after the workshop ends. I'm hoping she'll be up for a late supper.

As far as the Power, Surrender and Intimacy workshop goes, I'm a bit apprehensive, yet totally flipped out with excitement. I want to be ready for anything, but things don't always work out that way. I wish bravery could be automatic, but it's not always. I'm afraid of being nude in front of even such open and generous women.

Mostly I'm afraid of fear.

But I'll have several familar faces there. Sinclair and the coordinator, the workshop facilitator Alex Jade. Perhaps there will be others. So I'm planning on tasting divinity and witnessing miracles. I plan on being a beam of clean white light. I plan on being fierce.



In other news, I've settled on the fact that although I love to get people off, my resting state of energy is indeed the bottom. I crave to draw desire and dominance from lovers and others. I delight in the moment where they lunge toward me, overcome by want.

Women's PSI - I'm bound for NYC

Women's Power, Surrender & Intimacy in New York City, June 20-22

After an absence of several years this powerful exploration into the nature of trust, exquisite attention and heightened sensations returns. Join with like-minded women who are ready to go beyond the life ordinary.

In a grounded, respectful container discover and clarify edges of liberation, empowerment and embodiment. Learn to recognize aspects of yourself that are continually engaged in power dynamics, and hence become more choiceful about how you can share power with compassion and skill. Led by Alex Jade.

I am absolutely thrilled to be going to the Body Electric School's course on Power, Surrender and Intimacy! I've been searching for a plane ticket and sorting things out at work and at home - It's time to hit the road again. Of course you will all be aware of my true need for travel and adventure and this weekend trip hits the spot - a sexuality workshop that promises to take me "beyond the life ordinary."

I have work off, and I don't have to come back until Tuesday night so I have all day Monday to gallavant around town! Hoorah! I'm truly excited to exercise my bottomy tendencies and explore the power of give-and-take, and that delicate balance of consent. Wahoo!

another foul mood

This is a complaining post, feel free to ignore.

It's been awhile since I had a truly, utterly, miserable time at a club. Part of it may have been that it was the middle of the night. Part of it may have been my attitude. I also didn't know the venue, or the scene and arrived in completely overdressed. Personally, nothing kills my mood faster than being underdressed or overdressed. The drinks were weak. I went with an odd numbered group and quickly ended up isolated and sulking. I could have tried to make new friends but I can never tell who's taken and who's not and I don't want to look a fool. I could have gone home, but I was just barely keeping my grip on the hope that at some point, the fun would start.

Back at the apartment, we played spin bottle and kiss, and then spin the bottle and ask the person a question (and answer it yourself). I finished the other girl's beer that she had only sipped on - the beer got me way more drunk than anything I got at the club. This morning, I realize that I was bound and determined to get a hangover but whatever means possible. I might have succeeded. Ow... Finally, ended up sleeping alone when everyone else got to share a mat or a sleeping bag or whatever... and I don't know if I've said this before, or how many times, but I fucking hate sleeping alone. I'll sleep in a bed with a boy before I sleep alone. For real.

I think I'm grumpy because Erin is the only person I've been with lately, and last time we were together, I didn't get my turn, and then she kicked me out of bed at the ass crack of dawn... I'm still trying to fend off Marian, and I am --still-- getting craigslist emails from femmey girls.

Also: trip to see mom is back on. I'm leaving saturday and coming back thursday, and I got everything approved to be outta work, -and- my brother is coming with me! We're driving since it's totally ridiculously expensive to fly to mountainous regions.

It's time for coffee and lots, lots of water.

no, i didn't win the lottery

Miss Avarice has shopped.
No, I didn't win the lottery,
I just have really good credit.
This shopping trip will probably
last me until the summer time!

From the jewelry store:
Diamond Ring: $975? Hardly. $292.50
Aquamarine Ring: $189.? Try $56.70
Black Pearl Earrings: $100? Half. $50.00
White Pearl Earrings: $59? A mere $18

I apparently shopped on the right day because my favorite place for clothing was also on sale. Pretty much everything in the $30-$50 range was $6! When I checked out, Rather than my receipt showing $440, it was $171. For two whole bags stuffed full! Mostly sweaters and a jacket for colder weather, stocking up for times when I will be heading northward. I also grabbed some yoga pants, a denim skirt, dress pants, and shelf tanks. From another store I grabbed a couple of thin, long-sleeved shirts for the dreaded Camping Trip which I have been conned, coerced, and otherwise required against my will to attend. Finally, I finished off with two new bags, a small red and a mediumish blue. My friends make fun of me for how incredibly large most of my purses, and I general stick to one style, so I purposefully picked bags that are definitely not my style - it's time to branch out.

Speaking of heading northward, my mind has been in "please god, anywhere but here" mode and I have been curiously investigating places like Brooklyn, Jersey, Portland, and Washington State as a future home once I have finished my Women's Studies degree - although I'm sure the studying will have just begun by that point! Of course this is not for another year or so, but moving that far away from home deserves some thorough preparation. Why move across the continent you ask? Eh. I require constant change to exist. My spirit must always be moving. And I've said many times before, I have never felt so content in any other situation than I feel when I am in transit from one place to another. Whether it's driving to work, driving to see a friend who lives out of town or flying to an entirely different city. My most favorite feeling is walking down a street that I have never been on before. That's why it didn't take me long to get on board when Kay suggested that they might be skipping town in the next year or two also...

and another thing

I'm so thankful for all of you who left your well wishes for my talk with T. It's so very affirming to know that people who are merely strangers can affect the outcomes of various situations in your life in a few simple words. I especially thank those of you who can relate to my struggle for integration of sexuality and spirituality. It takes a long time to come to that place of oneness and I wish you all smooth, safe journey.

On that note, remember the Body Electric workshop that I attended with Sinclair in October? The beginning course, "Celebrating the Body Erotic" is coming around again in NYC this March, and later, in June, NYC will also host "Power, Surrender, and Intimacy." I can't explain to you enough how important the CBE was in helping me integrate sexuality and spirituality and I think that anyone who is on a similar path as mine - anyone, for that matter - should seriously and carefully consider participating in CBE at the very least.

Hop on over to Sugarbutch.net for more information on both of these workshops. My sight is set on the PSI, which has not been offered in quite some time. So! If you'd like to meet Miss Avarice, start packing your bags!

first class? or coach?

moar funny pictures

I have some traveling in mind for the next year. At some point I'll need to see my mother again. There are two Body Electric workshops that have my name written all over them. First is the CBE for Women, which I attended in October - it's happening again in March, but it's the weekend I would be moving. Then, a workshop called "Power, Surrender and Intimacy" which I'm basically terrified of, but my curiosity always seems to get the better of me. That's in June. I haven't planned anything for the fall, but maybe I'll make a trip overseas by then. I was thinking on going to Turkey for my birthday, but I don't think I'll have the money by then. Or the leave time from work.

So, who's coming with me to the CBE? Come on, Delilah, you know you want to! Just kidding, but seriously. Some of you may want to think about getting in touch with your body -- as my Women's Health professor says, "Our bodies are importantly sexual."

Longest Day of My Life, Chapter 9

I keep putting myself into these really awful long days because I don't get many days off, so I end up traveling right after I get out of work and going directly to work when I get back. I left for the airport 5 hours after I got out of work and I went back to work 2 hours after landing on the ground again at home. I enjoyed the vacation, but I have now been awake, with the exception of a thirty minute catnap on my second airplane this afternoon, for 22 hours and it will be 24 by the time I actually fall asleep. I wore heels for 20 hours today. Phew. I can usually make it 24 without going too loopy. But once one day passes, insanity sets in. I should really plan my vacations better. Last time I returned home by air, I drove directly to school and gave a 1 hour lecture. What? Yeah.

Sight for Sore Eyes

Kay and the girly picked me up at the airport today, they were waiting to hug me when I walked out of the terminal at the airport. I've flown so much and it's been probably 7 years since anyone met me at the terminal... it made me happy. Those were the very faces that I needed to see, coming back home. Being with my mother for five days was tiring. I have to avoid specifics unless I want to see her cry. I don't want to see her cry.

Any time I'm with my family or with church people to long, I start craving the gays!

shut-eye

I just tried to close my eyes and go to sleep. My homework for this paper that I have to write has been bogging me down and I had an awful day at work. Awful. And for some reason all I could think about was the CBE workshop.

I really have not processed that thing, either I haven't had time or I haven't found space or I haven't had the appropriate set of ears. I'm feeling several different categories of processing that need to occur. The whole 5 days was a major roller-coaster of experiences - traveling! brave big city! OMGWTF THE SUBWAY, body image? weird hippie energy?? NAKED!? excuse me "cave" WHAT? *flip out* this subway is a piece of cake. wait, that's it? it's over! BUT!

Then I flew home and drove directly to school upon arriving at home to give a lecture, after which I crashed.

First: Emotional
I've done a little bit of this with Ray the other night. Which reminds me it's been like four years now since we had that little shin-dig on the hood of my car where too many tears fell over too many cheeks. It was the first week of November, I flipped a coin to decide whether I should say anything or not, the coin was in favor. Anyway. I think there are still some tears left that didn't get cried out, there are still some issues with my body that haven't been smoothed out on a purely emotional level. Some of these emotions will only come out in the physical processing....

Second: Spiritual
This is no surprise, I have neglect spiritual processing and meditation quite a bit this semester because I have been engrossed in school, work and extra-curricular studies. Working, reading, writing, thinking, dreaming and the like. This I can do by myself. Must do by myself. I want sit on my Dad's lap and tell Him what I learned, asked Him what I might've missed, overlooked.

Third: Physical
It seems to me that there is a significant amount of processing that I will only be able to do with someone else at hand. Learning to ask for what I want, but also learning to give what someone else has asked for. I think I need to lean into someone else and cry. I need to be naked with someone else again just so I can be sure that I'm really okay and it wasn't a dream. I need to learn the curves of someone else's body. The smells, the textures, the pace... the sounds. I feel like the workshop put me into an alternate universe of which I am not part - in reality, it's the world of sexual activity. It is a foreign place where inhabitants speak a body language other than the one I know and speak. And I have no one at the moment to whom I can speak these brave words. I cannot practice saying new words like touch, more, less, here, there, now, later, good, better, best, yeah. I have never felt more grounded than when I am skin to skin, (or, nevermind skin) body to body with another person. I feel lost, and I know that not all who wander are lost, but I feel that way.

And I feel like I have not grieved for someone or something that has died. Was it me, at the workshop, or part of me? Yes, by not working this stuff out - particularly the physical processing - I feel like I am clinging to an old grief that has been yellow and crumbling for a long time. Why can't I let it go?

I want to make it out to the "Advanced" CBE but if I still haven't processed the first one, come January, I think it would be a very unwise decision. I can't build on a foundation that is still mushy and wet, can I?

NYC Pictures? Here.

Trip Pictures

Tuesdays were made for shopping

Pictures from New York

Captions forthcoming. I have to go to work :( I haven't been since last Thursday! I'm thinking about getting a different job. I have trouble keeping a job for more than six months, even when it's a good job. Feeling terribly anxious and tight in my chest today...



Madison Square


China Town


Brooklyn Bridge


Central Park (west) at 85th Street


New York Public Library


Fulton Street


Fulton Street Subway Station


85th Street


Canal Street


Subway Musician Dude

naughty

there once was a girl with a curl
right in the middle of her forehead

and when she was good,
she was very, very good

and when she was bad,
she was horrid. [better].



I've had a naughty little curl
getting in my eyes all weekend,
just sprung up out of nowhere
when I boarded the plane! ;)

I'm sad that I'm leaving New York.
I feel like we have only just met,
and I haven not learned your name.
I think I need to see more of you.

big city girl

Today was fabulous.

Never mind the fact that date #2 was a no-show.
Never mind the fact that it was chilly and wet.
Never mind the fact that I made a U-turn on the
subway. I was headed for Brooklyn... woopsies!

First stop: Century 21
I'm probably never going to go there again. So not "worth fighting for" as they say. ICK! The only bag I really really wanted was a $150 Furla purse. I settled on an Andy Warhol messenger bag for Rae and a navy Kenneth Cole bag for myself.

Second Stop: H & M
My life is absolutely incomplete without H&M and there isn't a store in Florida. Nearest one is in Virginia. Not even in Atlanta for crying out loud! I bought a new party dress for myself, and for my Gay - some cute undies and a black tie with small, subtle, silver spiders. Except I'm thinking about just giving him the undies and keeping the tie for myself.

Third Stop: Toys in Babeland
I was feeling kinda floaty here. Like, "wait, what's that for again?" and I was wide-eyed looking at the Wall-Of-Harnesses. I bought a moose hide flogger and leather wrist cuffs. One kink adviser has suggested rope to tie the cuffs down. I'm thinking red. I've been pretty much in love with red lately. Who's going to try them out? Any takers? I'm open to suggestions! *Ehem* Commands, rather.



Fourth Stop: Antique Garage
This is a very unique Mediterranean restaurant. The decor is kinda... old fashioned European-American. I'm guess like. 18th and 19th century. Real silverware, mix-and-match vintage china. I had Börek to start, and Mantı, and a glass of Angora wine. Yeah it sounds like a sweater, but it's a very delicate white wine, perfect for an early dinner. Baklava and Turkish Coffee for dessert.




So now I'm back at my hotel prancing about in my new dress (pictures forthcoming!) and trying to pack the mess that is on my bed into my suitcase. My airport shuttle is picking me up at 3:15a. First layover is in Memphis.

Remind me to write about my constitution. Am I made of fluff or substance? Am I as fierce fearless as I always thought myself to be?

date with myself

This evening I thoroughly enjoyed my own company. Maybe I wasn't ready for a date. Maybe my guest read my blog about it being my first date? Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Or maybe things just didn't work out as planned. Who knows? I got a text message just as I sat down at my table. What a way to go, but I didn't let it get to me.

I enjoyed my food, a glass of wine, a sweet dessert and a hot little cup of Turkish coffee. Beforehand, I sat for about 2 hours in Central Park writing about my experience this weekend, trying to explain it all but having a rough time with the details. I almost don't want to write too much about it, as if it would become just a story or a dream if I were to write what exactly happened. I wrote about my muses who guided me. I wrote about my struggle to push past the wall that I bumped into. I wrote about the immensity. It was a nice afternoon. I've found my way around Manhattan with not a wink of trouble, even when I'm not quite sure where I'm goingr.

And since I'm all dressed up and nowhere to go, I think I'm going to make my way over to one of the gay bars in town. After a bit of a rest, of course. Maybe I'll read some more of my homework...

i'm leaving in the morning, so let's not be shy

I got about a mile down the road after leaving work today and I started laughing out of the blue. And then I started crying. It was one of those moments where I felt the weight of the entire world lift off my chest and fly out the window onto the asphalt.

I was crying because it felt like God put his warm hands around my heart and loved it back into one piece. I was talking to him, telling him how I've felt so free, so cherished since I came out. I couldn't explain to him the vastness of his love and the completeness of the freedom I've felt. I told him. No one else can offer a freedom like this... My whole coming out process has been a very spiritual time for me. It feels very intense, yet very simple.

Simply, God loves me, and I feel it. Other people love me too, even people who don't agree with my decision, they are treating me the same and loving me the same. It's not easy. And there've been some times where people outed me when they didn't have permission. Some of these same people who love me. But guess what? The world has not ended. My life is not over. I'm freer than I've ever been before. And in 3 hours I'm going to be at the airport awaiting a flight to NYC to explore more of the faces of my out self.

I cried for five minutes feeling so overwhelmed by freedom. The waiting is over. I'm really exhausted and I'm not going to sleep again til probably after midnight. But it's worth it.

Adventure girl... has adventures!

not so dirty details

Essin' Em says I've been keeping you waiting. I'm a bit scatter brained so I'm sorry if things have been disjointed, lacking substance. So here goes.

The first person to answer my response to their CraigsList ad was Dave, a trans-guy and sweet as can be. After a few emails we've settled on a date for Monday to go run around Manhattan looking for trouble. Maybe not trouble. Maybe, we'll go to Babeland. Maybe that'll be my day to visit the Museum of Sex! Maybe I'll finally get to go to Zeytin. I should ask him, and then make reservations... Anyway, if we're getting along fine, I'm hoping to work on my bottoming skills. Soliciting and maintaining desire. I'm a little concerned about the strap-on stuff. I have a sinking feeling that I'm too tight, too new for that... I know, you're thinking what? How? A sexy bitch like you? Yeah. Good question. Ask me on g-chat sometime, I'll tell you a long story short.

The second email I got was from a cute and adventurous butch. I looked her up on myspace. I know. I'm always sneaking up on people, looking them up on the internet and finding out who they are. It's just what I do. Curiosity. Found her pictures, very cute. I think I'll be bottoming again... "no expectations about whether i get on top of you, or you get under me, ok?" Fine by me! We're meeting at some art show somewhere, after I get out of the workshop on Saturday. She's picking the restaurant... and a club for afterwards... and hopefully it'll be back to my overpriced hotel room. This trip is so fucking expensive, I better have some damn good sex to make up for it!

I'm hoping to get a date for Sunday evening and Tuesday.

Wanna know a secret? I've never been on a date before.

Yep. It's the truth. Unless you count going to the movies with my boyfriend from 7th grade. Yeah, he's gay, too. Classic, isn't it?

Busy Girl

Anyone in NYC and vicinity want to meet up and do fun things? If so, you have the following choices. I'd like to do and see a lot of really really super gay things. And people. Any ideas?

Friday 5th October: Meet at my hotel for supper about 5ish. I'm NY style pizza. Down here, Friday is Lesbian night at alll the gay clubs. If that is the case here,

Saturday 6th October: I'm going to attempt to hit Broadway. I can't think of anything more appropriate to see other than RENT. Except that everyone sees it. More importantly, I want to wear my new black dress and shoes out in public. If that doesn't involve Broadway, I'm still game.

Sunday 7th October: Supper at Zeytin 7 p.m.
(Zay-Teen: it means "olive" in Turkish).
OR: Anyone want to go to mass at some horrid time in the morning? Yeah didn't think so. I think I might get up early and take a walk to the nearest cathedral just for kicks.

Monday 8th October: Open Mic? There's gatta be one today - does anyone know when and where? I'm going to read my poem, "siren" ... which reminds me I need practice. I want to find a little old (those criteria are important!) used bookstore and pick up a treasure. Are there second hand clothing shops around? That might be fun, too.

Tuesday 9th October: Somebody take me to a dyke bar! If I haven't been yet this week, tonight is the night because right after I get back to my hotel I'll be leaving for the airport. whee!