knotty, naughty.

I've posted a little ditty about my recent knitting adventures over at The Femme's Guide! It is five reason why knitting is good for the soul.

I've been spending some lovely time with Maggie, and I have to say that it has been so long since I have made a friend like this, that I am making it a point to savour every moment. We talk so easily, and about things that we both love, and nothing ever seems awkward or out of place. The gratefulness continues!

This week I've been thinking a lot about the wishes that I once had to be a student of submission. Before I met Dana, I had been rather interested in finding my "in" to the bdsm world. I don't think I've found that yet. But we are in a state of very easy openness in our relationship and I think I'm ready to start looking for someone to lead me in the paths of obedience. I have a lot of thinking to do about what I do and don't want in such an association, and I need to find someone who is willing to work with my apparent "smart ass masochist" tendencies - where I feel the need to disobey purposefully because I like the punishment, rather than being "good" and having delicious pain as a reward. I'm certain I can be schooled, but I understand that not everyone can handle such an unruly girl as I am.

Perhaps part of it stems from the fact that for most of my life I have done basically everything as I was told, even to my detriment. But the last two years has been about doing whatever the fuck I want. So now that I've basically molded my life into a style that works for me - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and otherwise... Now the idea of doing the bidding of someone else doesn't seem so bad, especially if the reward is pleasurable pain... and who doesn't want that!

There's so much more to think about. I had been in a dry spell until this very moment. And my honey is right by my side at every step with just the right words to bring me down to earth.

1 comment:

Freedomgirl said...

oh I so agree with the need to act up deliberately in anticipation of dire consequences. I've tried the other method, of pain being a reward for being good, and it just doesn't work with my brain. there is something really satisfying about letting my whole self exist, bad and good, and being rewarded for being good but punished for being bad.

I'm sure there's lots of psychological reasons that go into this, but I haven't meditated much on it yet. I guess it has its own internal logic that matches with our culture too. I don't know!