not doing well.

i'm not doing well. i am feeling very heavy hearted. for some reason, very sharp fear of death has come over me. i find myself sinking into the thoughts of what it must be like to transition into the spirit world. it's almost like meditating on the nothingness that follows the something. i need to kick it out of my head, and replace it with positive thoughts about being released from the weight of this world rather than being denied my physical presence. i shouldn't even be dwelling on death at all. it snuck up on me, all of a sudden the other day when I was reading a massage therapy text book that was talking about how massage is used in hospice care.

i'm not really doing well financially either. assisting Stefanie and still taking care of myself realy ran up my credit cards and she's still paying her past due car payments, day care, and phone bills. i know things will eventually even out, but i am broke as a joke - especially after my last NY trip. before i can really make any progress in the direction of massage school, or a change of location, i will have to make a significant dent in what i owe to the gods of visa and mastercard. ugh. it's making me ill just to think on it.

i've been back to my church twice now, the last time i went was New Year's. It's nice to be able to be in a holy space (it is holy because we gather together) and center myself within the spirit of God. it does not feel empty or fake, it feels full and genuine. but i need more. my physical body needs rest and movement, my spiritual self needs to grow and become a beam of light.