2.5.08

so much love

I really, truly want to know what it would be like to treat more than one person at a time with care and tenderness in a sexual manner. I want to be able to spread my love around to any who dare partake! You know, I've got a lot of love to give out, and I've got space in my heart for a lot of things - creatures, souls, both stable and wandering (remember, not all who wander are lost [Tolkien]). I've got plenty of warmth and forgiveness. I've dug a deep, deep well of love for myself out of which I have learnt to draw big, cold cups of the fresh, clean water of my love. How much, how dearly my heart truly craves to dish out these thirst quenching portions of my love. My love is a slow dripping syrup that fills all the cracks of chipped and broken hearts, and begins to heal up the fractures.

I love people. To be precise, I love women. And I love to love them. But once again the word fails me. Dana is the first person that I have truly loved and wanted to spend lots of time with. Truly. And wanting to spread my love around to more people is no reflection on her. I also don't think that I'm trying to figure myself, or anything, out - this is who I am. I am a deeply loving person who desperately cares for the wellbeing of others - sexual and otherwise.

We talked tonight a little bit more about the idea of me seeing more people. Understand me, I am not wishing to see other people - that implies that I wish to stop seeing the one I already have - that's not it. And I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it too, you see. She said she would rather me go and learn what it is to share my heart now, instead of letting the curiosity grow and be suffocated until it becomes a problem. Ideally, I'd like her to be excited to hear about my exploits as I return to her arms at night, but how can I ask that of her, or of anyone if it doesn't come naturally, you know? If it doesn't flow out of the same place for her.

When we spoke of it before, a few weeks ago when I thought I almost lost her, it was one of those moments where one realizes (or forgot) that not every shares your kink, that not everyone likes to do things that are out of the ordinary. She brought it up this time, telling me that I'm free as a bird to flex my wings, and spread open my arms for the comforting of others. I aim to cherish her, and the gentleness with which she holds me. She holds me with open palms, rather than grasping tight, so that I can choose of my own will to sink into her embrace.

4 comments:

Belle said...

Wow. I'm so amazed. I wish I could get to this place. I struggle with it so much. I wish you the best of luck sweetheart.

Essin' Em said...

I'm glad things are getting so healthy and working and figured out for you!


By the way, it's not all THOSE who wander are lost :) I know, it's on my left shoulder :)

Dylan said...

This relationship seems like a great thing for you and I'm really glad you found it. That said, I wouldn't enter into any kind of open relationship with someone who wasn't EXCITED about it for THEMSELVES as well as you. Because otherwise it seems to come more from a place of... you can do what you want because I don't want to lose you, but really, I'd rather you were just with me.

That's just my unsolicited two cents. ;)

mnwhr said...

It's good that you know what you want and are prepared to go forward and seek it out.