11.7.07

don't die

Gaydar Secrets

I almost passed out laughing when I read this. It says "lesbian" but clearly the writer was misinformed that some lesbians are actually femme. I'll paraphrase for the girls:


#1) The walk: (butch)Lesbians walk like straight men. A definite swagger. There's a reason there's a saying in the lesbian community: "If it talks like a dyke and it walks like a dyke, then it probably is a dyke." [either that, or it's a closet case if you ask me, having been in there recently...]

#2) Awareness of people around them: Lesbians couldn't care less. Butch lesbians, in particular, are too concerned with their gadgets--they, like straight men, adore PDAs, CBs, BBs, and every other mechanical acronym out there. If it weren't for lesbians, the Radio Shack and hardware stores in the Castro and West Village would go out of business. [every time i go to a hardware store i just kinda look up, feeling overwhelmed that the ceiling is so high up, and how am i ever going to find the door bells? oh wait, there's a home depot lesbian. *ehem* you can ring my bell?]

#3) Names: Conversely, lesbians will shorten their names to the most masculine sounding nickname possible. "Christine" is always "Chris", "Leslie" is "Les", and "Georgia" always ends up as "George" (no, I'm not kidding). If the name is impossible to shorten to a masculine-sounding nickname, like Jennifer or Virginia, then it's just a single letter: "J" and "V". [i knew a girl named Solomon once... she didn't shorten her name, actually she lengthened it...]

#4) Clothing fit: Lesbians, like straight men, like baggy and loose. Really butch lesbians will wear shirts as loose as possible in order to give the semblance of breastlessness (especially among those trying to look like 14-year-old skateboarders). Most of the butch lesbian women I know exclusively shop at the men's department, and that includes underwear (they prefer boxers). [*licks lips* hmmmm girls who look like 14-year old skateboarder boys! YUM]

#5) Music preferences: Lesbians love Country. Or Heavy Metal. Or Folk Rock. No substitutions or exchanges. Lesbians love anyone who has played at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. No one else even wants to go to Michigan.[What a BLATANT over-generalization as all of these music genres are predominately white/caucasian styles of music!]

#6) Smiling too much or not at all in pictures: Lesbians, on the other hand, usually snarl. Maybe a pout. Maybe a threatening glare. But never a smile. Never. (Except the femmes) [THANK YOU! - Remember the butch lesbian pout face? The one that clearly says, "you know how we do."]

2 comments:

dylan said...

I had to laugh. Many of these were true for me, though I do identify as butch. Especially the not smiling in pictures thing... it's more of a solid look, not a frown, not a smile, maybe a bit of a smirk. The music one was all wrong though. Good to see they remembered femmes at the end. How could anyone forget the femmes?!

Ms. Avarice said...

It's because we're under-cover agents!