sad? s.a.d.!

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"i think she's a genius"

I just got back from visiting with Delilah. We haven't seen each other since before Christmas (before Thanksgiving maybe? I can't remember). The time has gotten between us so quickly. Our tradition has been to make Christmas really special since we do not get to be together often during the year. And, as you can see by the date on the calendar, Christmas waits for us, we do not wait on Christmas. I presented her with a shirt that was screaming her name when I first saw it, as well as a small perfume. Surprise, surprise, finally I brought another small package which, after unwrapping several unassuming layers of paper, she discovered the Rock Chick. We shall expect a full report. I'm pretty jealous, I might get one for myself. Look mom, no hands!

Being the sneaky one she is, and knowing my absolute, everlasting love for martini-style drinks, and for barware of all kinds, found for me a lovely set of 3oz martini glasses - perfect size for some double shots of whatever delicious combination I can dream up! Along with a shaker - smaller than the one I have already, so that I won't have to use the big one if I'm just shaking things up for myself. But the big hit was a long, long string of beautiful white pearls, hand knotted and perfect for that lucky blue shirt that has gotten so much attention (or rather, procured attention for me) lately. It's been a long time since I couldn't stop saying, "I'm so happy!"

I might have a problem, a glassware problem. Without looking, I can count now ten martini glasses, eight wine glasses, six shot glasses, 2 margarita glasses, 2 champagnes, 2 martini shakers, and heart shaped ice trays.

Did someone say house party? When I move into that low income housing in April, let's break it in right. I just might need to have a houseboy, too. Humor me, will you?




P.S. I still haven't gotten revenge on Patri ci a - that revenge is forthcoming.

Report on the Butt Plug

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tattoo ideas

when my dad died, i wanted to get a meaningful tattoo. i probably haven't found the right one, but I've been playing violin for 13 years now, and it is sufficiently "part" of me that I think I could handle having it permanently on my body. so i want "f-hole" tattoos. they must come in pairs. i have thought about it before, but i can't decide what location.

should i put them on my lower back? my vain imagination puts me bowed down, or folded over a chair, or the edge of a bed, or a kitchen counter with a lover at the rear *ehem*. would that turn you on? if you're a musician? or how about in that "under the bra strap" area where Belle got her star tattoos. That would be pretty secretive, hideable, and a pleasant surprise. Or I was also thinking the two f-holes could sit right on top of my hip bones on the front.

i think i'm going to have kay draw or paint them all on me and see which ones we like best. i will post pictures if that materializes.

also, the box with the ropes, butt plug, and riding crop came - not terribly pleased with the quality of the riding crop, but it can be used on myself when i'm alone so that's definitely a plus. the ropes, unfortunately require a partner as i cannot mutate to have an extra pair of arms very quickly. Don't ferget yer safety shears! *shakes shears*

it's finally over

You know, I started 2007 with my work cut out for me. There was the problem of what to do about college. There was the not so little problem of my queerness. And there was the gargantuan problem of my commitment to a religious organization with which I was not being completely honest. I knew this year would be a challenge, and that it was! In February, some time before St. V's day, I came out to my mother - not for the first time, and that will be the last time, I swear! I drove home in March, speeding down the freeway, with my belongings crammed into every little space in my car. I called a friend on the way home, asking to stay over a little while, and that became my home. Except that before that, I needed to get a little bit of sex out of my system. First things first, you know. I got a job in April, and started this blog. I started school in June and in August I moved into a bedroom to call my own (the first in nearly two years, thanks to communal living). The first week of October, I had my first real kiss and have had none since, then I attended the disruptive, dismantling CBE workshop. November brought a trip to see my mother, and a talk about the prohibition of any of my partners from family gatherings. I also confirmed with my boss that I'm queer. Finally in December, I finished my first full semester back at school and I'm ever closer to graduating.

I have a feeling that 2008 is going to be the year of therapy. I'm surprised by how well I survived 2007 because that was one hell of a ride.

Here is what I want 2008 to hold.
1. Intimacy. After living in communal housing, after being bravely open with my dorm mates, and just leaving them cold turkey, I'm craving community. Intimacy between women friends, like Delilah described. I thrive on it and I always have. I want intimacy with lovers - I want to be truly known by them.

2. Health. I have utterly neglected my health for 2 years now, and I can feel it taking its toll. I need to get my hormone imbalance and my blood glucose problems under control. I need to swim and exercise so that my knee strength improves. I have oral surgery that needs to happen. My skin needs some TLC, especially on my face. I have to quit smoking. Have to have to have to. No more of this stopping until i feel like starting again business.

3. Activism. The reason I came home wasn't to spend my money and my time on selfish things. I came home so that I could be useful to my Christian sisters and brothers who are gay like me, and I have done nothing productive. At least, I don't think. Once I get myself grounded, that is my next step.

4. Heart. My heart is scarred, whether I want to believe it or not. I have not been a fan of talk therapy the past several years. When I was in Jr. High, I think it did me a lot of good. But since then it has caused me nothing but trouble. The "counselors" I have been to seem to build upon each other, rather than tear down the lies and the injustices that the others have served me. They have "prayed" over me countless times in hopes that it would save me from certain doom - the nasty H word. Homosexuality. I want someone who will affirm my queer identity, yet also shares my faith tradition. I think it's important to at least start my therapy with a queer person of ministry, since I ejected myself out of that position with next to no "processing" or "debriefing" work. I've been a rogue, alone, and I forgot that no woman is an island, least of all me. Long story short, I want to give my heart what it deserves.

5. Commitment. My school work needs my attention, and I don't want to hit this time next year and be wishing I had worked harder. It's only six more classes, max, and I need to make it worthwhile and salvage my GPA in case I want to do graduate school (although that thought makes me ill).


Above all else, my New Year's Resolution is to try new things.




On an entirely different topic, please note that while I prefer the company of women, I have never been entirely opposed to a polite, respectful, intelligent, naughty boy. These are hard to find. But I'm finding myself curious, and strangely confident. I feel like I can tackle just about anything, these days. Even that.

Lastly, you will be interested to know that I have tentative plans to be photographed as follows: nude, tied up in that red hemp rope and kneeling on a hardwood floor. And on a fleece rug. And in the kitchen on the tile floor. But which will it be? Dirty girls on a clean floor? or clean girls on a dirty floor? I can't decide which I like best.

Something's brewing. The wind is shifting for me. The air tastes wet.

lurking in the shadows

Can I just say that anonymous readers that don't ever comment kinda really freak me out. Someone reads from Orlando. I don't technically have any friends in Orlando! There's someone from Rochester, Chicago, Seattle, Winston-Salem, L.A., Jersey (several) and even someone from London! There are several visitors that I can kinda guess, because they're the only ones - like Philly, Springfield, and my lone Aussie ;) but Atlanta?? or Mobile? or Cullowhee? Cuz honey, you and I are probably the only ones who've even heard of Cullowhee and that makes me nervous!

It make me think I've been found out. But even if you're reading. You don't technically know who I am. Technically. All you know is that I'm some girl from the south who likes to go around busting up roles, stereotypes and paradigms. Wriggling herself the limelight. Maybe not limelight, exactly. Maybe.

All I'm asking, is that you state your name (not name your state).
Tell me your story - even if it's a one-liner.
Comment or e-mail.

On the work front: My cubicle neighbor lady at work keeps telling me what I wild thing I am. The secret is that it kinda turns me on when she says in her dry, school-matron voice, "You wild thing, you..." as she raises an eyebrow. I told her about the Twisted Monk Rope Kit that is in a brown truck somewhere on its way here from Los Angeles. I also bought a Rock Chick for a special someone who will remain nameless to protect the innocent. And a black leather riding crop. And a faint pink glass butt plug. (WHAT? you say? A butt plug you say? Yeah that's what I said. It was pretty, what can I say? I had to have it. But seriously, sex toy masterminds - can't you come up with a prettier name than butt plug? Even anal plug is distasteful. "Plug" sounds like a kitchen utensil. Like. drain plug. It's more like. An ass decoration. heehee. Um. I've had a little wine. This the longest parenthetical statement I have made in years!)

BY THE WAY - and forgive me for being traitorous: Blowfish.com is on sale, 10% off of $100, 15% off of $150 and $20 off of $200. And free shipping over $100 Which means if you get $200 worth of stuff, you only pay $160 and it comes to your house for FREE. Granted, the shipping is scheduled to take 11 days (from the ship date mind you, which is like 4 days after the order date) and I'm really anxious for it to arrive!

Recap:
1. Random non-commenters, introduce yourselves!
2. Shameless kink at work - what?
3. Think of a new name for butt plug.
4. Blowfish.com is on sale.
5. I have sneezed four times while writing this blog.

leather tails, a heavy handle

My potential floggers were exhausted when I got there last night, so I got a few light-hearted whaps to the rear this morning. We rose at dawn to work on a sculpture. Really, I was there for company. I told tales of my City adventures.

The Flogger:


It's very rich and I think I love it dearly. It makes a really loud, firm thump and stings just a little. Feels deliciously soft, dragged over skin. It's a medium length, not shiny, and seems like a safe bet for newish partners since it doesn't hurt.

The Cuffs:

The smooth leather of the cuffs I bought also feels fabulous. I've been wearing one today just to get used to it. No surprise, I love them! They fit around my wrists with some wiggle room. can't wait to have them fastened!

Wonder G

This thing seems to get better and better every time I use it.
Except mine is black. I think I bought it because it was black.
Not from Babeland though...


And just for kicks: a glimpse of my new party dress