feminine = sexually available?

Aggh. Disgusting! I was out looking for a rental house, as I am pretty much always doing these days, when two men in a city utility truck and asked if I were the owner of the house. Thank God I am not. I said, "No, I'm just checking it out as a rental, why?" They told me the city wanted to know something from the owner, but I didn't know obviously, so I just sort of looked at them. Then the guy in the passenger seat says, "Are you looking for a roommate?" Of course, I said, "No." The other guy thought I didn't hear, and repeated it, "He wants to know if you're looking for a roommate." At this point I'm getting in my car and saying rather loudly "No, thank you." As I closed the door I heard him say, "We could bring in a bunk bed!"

That is so sick. I've been listening to a lot of stories from my friends about the ways that men have treated them, and the part that's so enraging is that it's the women who are in therapy for the ways men have treated them, rather than the men seeking psychiatric help for the ways that they've behaved toward women. Because it's fucking normal for men to be nasty and violent. It makes me want to scream! Part of it probably has to do with my apparent heterosexuality (as a femme) that makes me seem sexually available to all men. Even if I were purely heterosexual that would NOT mean that I am always sexual available. I wish I could communicate in writing how angry I am that I can't go out in public alone without expecting to have to defend myself against these kinds of threats. It is absolutely sick.

curb your enthusiasm.

I cannot believe you people are not as excited about my naked pictures as I am! Seriously! I have not posted sexy pictures in MONTHS and these are my first topless pictures, and aren't they fan-fucking-tabulous? Come on now. Get excited about nudity! Get excited about breast cancer awareness - it's a campaign to remind you to touch yourself, what's not to love about THAT? As a matter of fact, touch your friend's breasts, too. two hands are better than one, I always say. if one of you misses something, the other might find it!

I would also like to announce that I just had the best sex that I have ever had with dana, year to date. I have never ---evver--- been fucked so exquisitely. I was sitting at the edge of orgasm for like 20 minutes before I came crashing down. A. Ma. Zing. When we first started having sex, I was so pleased by her skill that I just wanted to share it with the world, "everyone should have sex this good!" But it was gotten so good that I'm getting to be a selfish bitch and keep her hot lovin' all to myself. Maybe not allll to myself, but I'm not sharing with just anyone if you know what I mean.

Who knew I deserved a girlfriend as great as this. We engaged a third finger for the first time ever, and it was absolutely glorious. Her tongue on my clit sets off the fireworks in my brain! The combination of the two is beyond compare, it sends me into total meltdown. No doubt about it, I am pretty damn lucky.

when it rains, it pours.

I'm having a hard time you guys.

10/10 is when my dad died, to start things off.

on top of that, work had a "clarifying conversation" with me tonight, which is the first step in a very long process that culminates in getting fired if you don't get the hint to resign quick enough. It's because my job is collections, and I don't like taking money from poor people even when they signed up to be robbed anyway.

worried about my mom's job sitch, too.

And I had an appointment with the my PCP and all seemed fine until labwork came back saying that my Hemoglobin A1c was higher than it was when they started treatment for diabetes. normal range is like under "5" and mine went from 6.5 to 7.5 in the past six months. It was definitely not a drastic change, nor was it over a short period of time, but a lab nurse called the next day and was trying to force me into taking another medicine. I wanted to know what it was for, I wanted to know why the doctor picked that medicine over another medicine, and I wanted to know for chrissakes why I'm 24 years old with relative good health and taking 7 pills a day. The number keeps rising every 2 months and I swear to the gods it has to STOP somewhere. It has to.

On top of my health, Dana's has several pretty worrisome health concerns that are too private to talk about in this space. And there's nothing I can do to help, so I just have to be as supportive as I can and try not to let it all overwhelm me.

I'm probably not doing so great emotionally at the moment because this is day 2 back on my birth control pills which is to regulate my period. I have polycystic ovary syndrome according to the doctors who could find no cysts (yet a disease involving cysts was their diagnosis as to why I don't get a period unless it's pharmaceutically induced?). SO starting a new pill pack after having been off it since June due to a screw up at the pharmacy after my annual checkup. Not fun.

Add to all this the school work I'm supposed to be doing. And the guilt I feel over the fact that half of my medical problems are actually preventable with appropriate diet and exercise. I feel like my collections job is actually causing my health to decline. Stress levels raise insulin and cortisol and all that stuff, causing me to gain wait, and then my PCOS gets bad... It's all interrelated and I feel like I have no control over it even though it's technically controllable without the use of drugs.

And what do I do about my job? I hate my job and I think this conversation with my boss tonight was basically the universe saying "HEY! Quit whining and go find a new job!" The trouble is that it is not so easy.

Dear the Universe,
I am in very dire need of an emotionally fulfilling job that gives me flexible hours, supports my school schedule, pays my bills, and makes me feel like I am making a difference in the world. I would prefer it to have nothing to do with sales or collections - other people's money is really not my thing. Please also include health benefits and pto.

Thanks,

Miss A.

stressed. overstressed.

i should tell you quickly, before I rush off to work that Dana has a friend working as a technical writer / editor for a company in a neighboring metropolis and she submitted her application today since the company is looking to hire someone entry level - within ten years all of the other writers will have retired!

i was up all night wednesday night fretting over how much a hate my job. that is usually a sign that it's time to quit and go somewhere else, but at this point money has a choke hold on me. i'm good at my job, i'm a fantastic worker, but i'm missing out on my college experience, and i'm pimping out my emotions for this call center job. i feel like i'm doling out my sympathies in return for money. I'm drained.

so i called out yesterday and submitted about 15 applications online. by the way, Monster.com is full of pure bologna. I had much better luck with the other sites.

i took Dana to school with me yesterday and we put up fliers about the ex girlfriend's motorcycle which she dumped on us three months ago. we want it out of our lives now, do you hear me universe??

and i want an emotionally fulfilling job that meets me needs, dammit!

best wishes to y'all. regularly scheduled smut, gender commentary and cultural critiques will resume soon. when? I'm not exactly sure.

new horizons seem so far away

I'm still not doing very well, but I took a much needed unplanned day off yesterday which helped tremendously. I was feeling ill, I was cramping, and Dana had the day off. I wanted to be with her. I spent the majority of the day basically glued to her side, requiring her affections. We had dinner with Stefanie, had a Border's run (I've been spending my excess lack of funds there a lot lately). Spent the day mostly looking for a new job on the internet, looking up massage schools in NY state, looking up job opportunities in Jersey, and generally being weepy and asking the Universe what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

I haven't written much about sex or sexuality or anything of late, and for that I hope to do some kind of penance. But sex with Dana has lately felt so very private, I have been wanting to hold it in my heart and not share it. It has been about reconnecting with her, it has been full of loving, tender touch. I have been filling my life with relaxing music, guided meditations and deep breaths. I've been trying to get to the breath of life, as it seems to have escaped me. I'm reaching for my dreams because I've put them on the back burner for a year and a half. Won't you forgive me? Life just doesn't revolve around my sex or gender right now.

invasion of privacy, to start with

My brother got robbed last night while he was out, he woke me at 6 a.m. to tell me so. I am now trying to figure out if there is indeed any way that I can help him. I am already maxed out financially with the last 2 months of Stefanie and the baby so I won't be able to contribute much of anything at all except occasional shelter and some food. I feel like a bad sister, but the Tea business is not exactly what I'd call employment and he's been an entrepreneur of sorts for the longest time that it will be hard to transition back to gainful employment wherein one reports to some authority.

His other alternative is living with my aunt who verbally abuses him, manipulates him with her access to our trust fund, telling him that he is worthless.

How did he get the short end of the stick? All I can think is that no one believed in him as a kid. I did. I always did. But people didn't stick up for him. It was my father's family who did not stick up for him. They called my mother a bad mom saying that she was too easy on him. Well you know what? When everyone else is trying to abandon you, you are lucky if at least your mom still loves you.

But I'm not made of money, or time, or enough compassion to foster the wellbeing of so many people. I do not really even have the resources to get myself out of credit card debt right now and that is my main priority.




Dear God, I either need grace to be "not enough" or the resources to become "enough".

Escape! Freedom!

rant. The move went as well as it could. He tried to tell me that the house was a mess all the time and that it was embarrassing to him when his mother would come over, and that he tried to work with Stefanie but that she would not cooperate, and that I owe him the rent for the rest of the months that I'm skipping out on. All of these things are untrue. I was at the house several days while she was staying there and it was never anything but his dirt and filth. My belongings were moved around, my empty boxes were put in the dirt under the house for me to scavenge for. When I needed help with my cousin living with me, he wouldn't work with me. In any case, all of his niceties were a lie and he really doesn't know how to treat tenants. On top of the place being covered in a layer of filth. I'm out and I don't have to think about it anyore. I don't have to move again for 13 months. hooray!

Now, a whole list of to do's! So. Tired. Dana has been so great throughout the whole thing. She and Stefanie have even been working on "mystery errands" which I presume have something to do with my upcoming birthday next week on Thursday. We're going to The Cheesecake Factory - I just might wear my black dress from the NYC trip last october. It will require a new sash - what color do you think? I'll probably go with red or blue.

By the way, if you link to me and I'm not linking back, pipe up and tell me so!

I'll give you the good news first... and then the bad news

The Good News:
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- In a much-anticipated ruling issued Thursday, the California Supreme Court struck down the state's ban on same-sex marriage as unconstitutional.\

California's Supreme Court ruled Thursday that the state's ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional.

Several gay and lesbian couples, along with the city of San Francisco and gay rights groups, sued to overturn state laws allowing only marriages between a man and a woman.

"There can be no doubt that extending the designation of marriage to same-sex couples, rather than denying it to all couples, is the equal protection remedy that is most consistent with our state's general legislative policy and preference," said the 120-page ruling.

It said that the state law's language "limiting the designation of marriage to a 'union between a man and a woman' is unconstitutional, and that the remaining statutory language must be understood as making the designation of marriage available to both opposite-sex and same-sex couples."

With the ruling, California becomes the second state to allow same-sex couples to legally wed. Massachusetts adopted the practice in 2004, and couples don't need to be state residents to wed there.

Vermont, New Jersey, New Hampshire and Connecticut permit civil unions, while California has a domestic-partner registration law. More than a dozen other states give gay couples some legal rights.

Seven other jurisdictions around the world have legalized same-sex marriage: Belgium, Netherlands, Spain, South Africa and the Canadian provinces of British Columbia, Ontario, and Quebec.

The Bad News
COLUMBUS, Ohio (CNN) -- Sen. John McCain envisions that by 2013, the Iraq War will be won but the threat from the Taliban in Afghanistan won't yet be eliminated, even though Osama bin Laden will have been captured or killed.


Sen. John McCain envisions his first-term achievements during a speech in Columbus, Ohio, Thursday.

The presumptive Republican presidential nominee made both statements in a speech in which he envisions the state of affairs at the end of his first term if he is elected president.

"What I want to do today is take a little time to describe what I would hope to have achieved at the end of my first term as president. I cannot guarantee I will have achieved these things," McCain said in his speech in Columbus, Ohio.

McCain's speech was unusual -- and somewhat risky -- in that it lays out benchmarks on which he could be judged.

The Arizona senator said he believes the United States will have a smaller military presence in Iraq that will not play a direct combat role, and he predicts that al Qaeda in Iraq will be defeated. Watch McCain say most troops will be home from Iraq by 2013 »

"By January 2013, America has welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom.

"The Iraq War has been won. Iraq is a functioning democracy, although still suffering from the lingering effects of decades of tyranny and centuries of sectarian tension," McCain said.

The violence in Iraq will persist, the candidate believes, but it will be "spasmodic and much reduced." But civil war will be prevented, armed militias will be disbanded, security forces will become "professional and competent" and the government will be able to impose "its authority in every province of Iraq" and properly defend its borders.

Bell's fiancee: 'They killed Sean all over again'

Fuckers.

Detectives were acquitted of wrongdoing in Sean Bell shooting case

A day after three New York police detectives were acquitted on all counts in the case of Sean Bell -- an unarmed man killed in a hail of 50 police gunshots -- his fiancee told supporters that the justice system let her down.

"On April 25, 2008, they killed Sean all over again," Nicole Paultre Bell told supporters at a rally organized by the Rev. Al Sharpton.

"That's what it felt like to us. That's what it felt like to us," she said Saturday. "Yesterday, they -- the justice system -- let me down. I gave them the benefit of the doubt," she said. "I'm still praying for justice because it's not over. It's far from over."

Bell spoke after Sharpton criticized the judge who acquitted the three officers, saying the case should have been heard by a jury.

"If people are on the public payroll, doing their public duty, they should be required to face a public jury," Sharpton said at the National Action Network headquarters.

The officers chose to have a judge instead of a jury.

...

Witnesses said that about 4 a.m., closing time, as Bell and his friends left the club, an argument broke out. Believing that one of Bell's friends, Joseph Guzman, was going to get a gun from Bell's car, one of the undercover detectives followed the men and called for backup.

Bell, Guzman and Trent Benefield got into the car, with Bell at the wheel. The detectives drew their weapons, said Guzman and Benefield, who testified that they never heard the plainclothes detectives identify themselves as police.

Bell was in a panic to get away from the armed men, his friends testified.

But the detectives thought Bell was trying to run down one of them, believed that their lives were in danger and started shooting, according to their lawyers.

A total of 50 bullets were fired by five NYPD officers. Only three were charged with crimes.

No gun was found near Bell or his friends.

Paultre Bell, Guzman and Benefield have filed a wrongful-death lawsuit in federal court that has been stayed pending the outcome of the criminal trial.

Federal prosecutors will conduct a review to determine whether there were any civil rights violations, Brown said.

another foul mood

This is a complaining post, feel free to ignore.

It's been awhile since I had a truly, utterly, miserable time at a club. Part of it may have been that it was the middle of the night. Part of it may have been my attitude. I also didn't know the venue, or the scene and arrived in completely overdressed. Personally, nothing kills my mood faster than being underdressed or overdressed. The drinks were weak. I went with an odd numbered group and quickly ended up isolated and sulking. I could have tried to make new friends but I can never tell who's taken and who's not and I don't want to look a fool. I could have gone home, but I was just barely keeping my grip on the hope that at some point, the fun would start.

Back at the apartment, we played spin bottle and kiss, and then spin the bottle and ask the person a question (and answer it yourself). I finished the other girl's beer that she had only sipped on - the beer got me way more drunk than anything I got at the club. This morning, I realize that I was bound and determined to get a hangover but whatever means possible. I might have succeeded. Ow... Finally, ended up sleeping alone when everyone else got to share a mat or a sleeping bag or whatever... and I don't know if I've said this before, or how many times, but I fucking hate sleeping alone. I'll sleep in a bed with a boy before I sleep alone. For real.

I think I'm grumpy because Erin is the only person I've been with lately, and last time we were together, I didn't get my turn, and then she kicked me out of bed at the ass crack of dawn... I'm still trying to fend off Marian, and I am --still-- getting craigslist emails from femmey girls.

Also: trip to see mom is back on. I'm leaving saturday and coming back thursday, and I got everything approved to be outta work, -and- my brother is coming with me! We're driving since it's totally ridiculously expensive to fly to mountainous regions.

It's time for coffee and lots, lots of water.

one really horrifying day. only one.

I'm really in the foulest mood ever. Maybe not ever, but I'm very sour at the moment. I've been scowling basically the entire day.

Erin shooed me out of bed at 8:30 because "work called" and needed her to come in - I have no evidence that this is not true, but I was pretty irritated by being woken up so early, on a day that she said she'd be able to lie around in the morning. The commute home from her place - when driving in the daytime - takes literally 1 hour, 15 minutes. I'm going to have to start telling these bitches that if they want to see me they can come to my house. Eff this commuting with gas prices going for 30% of my hourly payrate. Rather than going to sleep, which I should have done, I stayed awake looking in craigslist for multi-unit houses in some of the historic districts in the area. Then, I went out to look at them. Which was horrific. The M-I-L quarters that I found, which was for a fantastic price and had a nice picture was absolutely horrifying for housing in a generally nice city. There was no central a/c, no backyard. The freeway is literally adjacent to the property, and the clothes dryer appeared to be older than the one that my family used when I was a child! The floor was separating from the wall, I'm positive there was mildew in the place - which I am allergic to - and to top things off, there was some random rotting car in the driveway. No thank you. I should have turned around and walked away when I saw the window a/c. Miss Avarice does not do window units. Uh-huh, No ma'am!

Oh, forgot to mention that before I went out driving and looking at rental properties, I found a hair in my favorite mc donald's breakfast sandwich. I dark brown hair. cooked into the sandwich. I'm very lucky to have a pretty strong stomach. Horrifying. Are you seeing the pattern here? It has been a really horrifying day. Not to mention the nightmare that I had early this morning, sleeping next to Erin. There are ginormous thunder storms headed our way, the skies have been pretty much grey all the day long and gust winds - the works. UGH!

I went to go look at some subsidized housing, and at some standard apartments as well. There are so very few that have any one bedroom units and many of them have no central a/c as well. I wish I had someone to look for housing with together. It would be so much easier to find housing if I had someone to share it with. Someone reliable who's going to stick around, someone who can love me for who I am and give me hugs when I come home. Just a friend.

On top of that, my mother can't find anyone to take care of her after her back surgery on Thursday, and i may have to take my vacation days to fly up and take care of her. My grandmother was going to do it, but now her back's hurting her, too and she doesn't want to take the drive all the way to NC with her back acting funny.

I had to take back the corset that I bought the other day because it was far too small for me, even though I tried to lace it differently. I went to the mall to soothe myself with some more retail therapy but I ended up just walking around moping and finding nothing of interest. Traffic on the way home was bad, and my car smelled like trash all day driving around because I forgot to take it out of the trunk on the way out of my apartments.

aghhhh complaaaaain!

phew. I'm going to go listen to music, say no words and sit native-american style on the floor for a little while. whoooo. exhale!

i think i'm in for some life lessons

Erin called me on her way to bed tonight. I was cleaning up from Family Night at Kay's after everyone had gone outside to smoke and talk, when the phone rang. Her job has apparently been taking up a lot of her time, and we've had an awful time trying to keep in touch. In fact we've barely spoken to one another since the last time - we can't seem to catch each other at the right time, unfortunately. Her birthday is next week, I wish I could be part of that. She told me to call her Monday after I get out of work at 10 and we can get together. I can't decide if I want to spend some more time getting to know her, or if I just want to leave that part alone. It is difficult for me to be able to know someone without caring for them a lot, so the more I know about her, the more I'm going to care about her. And that is, apparently, dangerous territory. But it's funny. I want to care about her. I do, in a sense. But not too terribly much...

Yet. This is coming from the mouth of a girl who has never had a proper girlfriend. Am I afraid of commitment? Am I afraid she's going to want to go too fast? Am I afraid of hurting her? What's my deal? I think maybe I'm afraid of being tied down, of having my curiosity harnessed and corralled. And I don't want that. I want to be able to pick and choose. But I guess that just means that if I really do get into a relationship, hopefully it will be one that I know I want, since I have not truly wanted anything yet.

Speaking of hurting people. I told a half-truth to Marian today, trying to get out of a date with her to my favorite restaurant. Why would I do that, you ask? I can't handle her shit, that's why. Twice, now, she has erupted into an emotional fit about how unlovable she is(n't) after I was trying to explain that we're not right for each other. TWICE. If I have not mentioned it before, let me do so now: Self-hatred is absolutely intolerable. I can understand if you have doubts about yourself, I can understand if there's a few things you'd like to change, but I cannot stand, cannot be in the presence of outright self-hatred. This is especially true after I have already told you several times that you are valuable and cherished. So, I'm going to have to figure out a polite way to say "we can be friends but you're not for me, and I know you're not for me, so stop trying to convince me because it was over before it started, honey." Instead, I told her I was on my period and feeling sick to my stomach. It was true, but I still could have taken some drugs and gone with her anyway. I'm sad, it was my favorite fresh seafood restaurant that overlooks the bay - and it was her idea when she didn't even know that my grandfather used to take the family there all the time...

voyeur

My temper tantrum about Autumn is over.

I wasn't supposed to be upset but I was. And it's fading. In fact, I wasn't even upset by her, or by the situation, but I was upset at myself for having feelings that weren't in the deal. That wasn't fair to anyone involved, but it was my reality. I tried to be level headed, and I wanted to understand what was going on. The way I understand even myself the best is by writing out everything that is running through my head, even if it sounds exaggerated. See, my thoughts in this space are truth magnified, but when I say my thoughts aloud, they're quiet and affirming - however, they are no less true than what I say here. So take me at my word. Things are okay with me, I'm not upset with anyone except myself, and I am sorry. Just let me deal with me.

homosexuals are not sexual predators

I'm so mad I could vomit. And there is a list of about 4 things that are turning my stomach at the moment. I'm not ready to talk about all of them, but here's the main thing: I found two videos, one for boys and one for boys, about how to avoid becoming a victim to a sexual predator. The one for girls is pretty reasonable, but the one for boys makes it sound like all homosexuals are sexual predators which is simply untrue. The video does, shed some light on some of the possible reasons why my mother is so vehemently opposed to homosexuality. She grew up in just this time period, and on top of that, in a religious family. This is just whacko, though.



This is the a counterpart to the girls' video, named "Girls Beware! Evil men are on the prowl!" and it is also a bit over the top, too, just not as bad.

You will notice there are no people of color in these vignettes.

Another thing is that someone local keeps coming to my blog to read all the posts labeled "Autumn." It makes me feel queasy//uneasy and it makes me want to censor myself. That, however, I. will. not. do. Just be prepared to not take anything personally, ok? Thanks.

Marian's next bold move

I need to stop kissing girls that I don't like. I went out to Gay Bar with Marian for lesbian night, and it was alright. It was her friend's birthday but the friend had already PTFO'd and M was completely, utterly drunk. Worse than the night I got her number. Apparently she's a shy girl who's intimidated by my intelligence. Isn't there some statistic about how the more education a woman has, the harder it is for her to find a suitable mate - either because she has high standards, or because people are intimidated by her intellectual prowess? I felt a little bit insulted, but I knew she wouldn't even have the courage to tell me that I am too smart for her if she wasn't drunk. So I brushed it off.

She's just not for me, terribly not for me and I hope that she doesn't remember in the morning. Really. Truly. She had her hands all over me on the couch, asking me to come to the bathroom with her - I said people get kicked out for that. "What are you going to do with me in the bathroom?"

"I'm going to fuck your brains out"

Not exactly a panty dropper fer me... I would like to know why these women - and it's happened before - tell me that I'm so smart one minute, and the next minute they want to fuck my brains out. What is wrong with this picture? Here, you're too smart, let me fuck some of your brains out and then we'll be on the same level. Right? No. I know it's just a figure of speech. It just kills me. I told her, well, that might be nice but you know you're pretty drunk and no one's ever made me orgasm before..." She was feeling confident: "Yeah, well I'm not like everybody else, you've never been with me so how do you know I can't do it?" I was totally embarrassed her hands literally in my shirt. All she wanted to do was kiss and our styles are absolutely incompatible.

Ugh. I feel gross. So incredibly gross. Partly because I haven't been feeling well, partly because I spent all night trying to act indifferent but she was being so brave and persistent. But seriously. I need to explain in very clear terms to her that I am not, under any circumstances, drunk or sober, interested in a relationship of any kind - even a purely sexual one. It is simply not going to happen.

The bar tender's kinda cute though. But I bet they get hit on all the time and don't even care. I went out with the bouncer a couple of times back in like 2003 or something when Jay was trying to hook me up with all his friends. She doesn't remember me. I don't think she'd be into me. But what do I know?


{{i'm at my fattest weight again, and it's upsetting me. in general, i don't get hung up on my body, but i'm pretty fucken displeased with those numbers at the moment.}}


I want to see Erin again. "Single butch looking for TLC - 30" was the title to her craigslist ad. I wonder if anyone else answered. I'd rather skip the drinks next time, though... She's so tender and gentle.

the strangest day

I wrote it out. Or, I started writing it. I sent it to Crave to see how she felt about it. She just said it was nice. I asked, "do you want to read it first?" - she said, "i don't have to read it first, but i would like to read it."

I've been going back and forth between wanting to post the sex part and very much wanting to keep it to myself, selfishly.

I think that's where it lands right now. I can't show it to you. It's too personal. Yes, it was good, it was so good. I've never been so satisfied before. Selfishly, I'm going to write it out, and then I'm going to read it over and over. It was the strangest day, and even if I write it out, it would be an incomplete description.

I'll think about getting around to it. Maybe I won't. But I already feel exposed and I don't feel like I can take much more.

daytime noises

i cannot believe that literally a month after moving into this apartment they started building a business office complex OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. I can see the whole, entire operation from my second floor bedroom window, which also means that I can hear the loud machines, the jack hammers, the dump trucks, the reverse "beeps", and the customary whoops and hollers.

today, at 10 a.m. TEN. I heard, "Shawty had dem apple bottom jeans (jeans) boots with the fur (with the fur) the whole club was lookin' at herr...." they blasted the entire song and then started on "ay bay bay". I was so pissed. What if I had a baby that was asleep? What if someone was legitimately sick in one of these apartments. What if someone works nights and was ASLEEP. so I tore open my curtain (a sheet hanging from the blinds, yanked open the big wooden blinds and threw up the window to look out. As soon as the sun hit my face, that music was O-F-F off. Thanks! I'm going to put my ear plugs in and go back to sleep because this is ridiculous.

P.S. I'm starting to chicken out on that Senior Seminar. I feel like I should take it last and not take any other classes with it, so that I can focus on that one. I don't want to be the dumbass who gets a C in the capstone course. It's only offered in the summer so that would add another four months onto my college experience (it would total 7 years by May 2009). My other two classes are also requiring quite a bit of my time. I'm not sure what to do about it. Any ideas? I can't quit work. I can't even lower my hours because I've already done that.

Merry Christmas, love mom.

It says:

Daughter, you're loved so much.
On Christmas and every day,
you are loved for what you are,
for what you strive to be,
and what you always will be.
(inside)
You are loved because you're you.
Merry Christmas

"What a perfect card! I love you honey. I hope you enjoy Christmas with grandma and whoever else comes.

Mom"

What a perfect card? What a perfect card?? I don't understand what that's supposed to me. Every card she has sent me since I came out to her has said, no, not just "i love you" but in a sense, they have all said, "I love you despite your quirks" or "I'll always love you no matter what for all eternity!" As if she's trying to prove she loves me - as if that would erase everything I said last February.

Wait. Stop. I'm reading between the lines where there is no writing. Start over.

This is the card from my mother. I just wish she meant these words 100%. What she didn't say was that she loves everything I am except gay. Everything I strive to be, except a good gay girl. She loves what I will always be, except gay. the card didn't say it, but she has said it before. In emotional moments where she can't figure out what went wrong. Like when she told me that I would never be permitted to bring my partners to a family gathering. She said it when she told me I couldn't come out to my grandmother.

Wait. Stop. This was not her intent. She just wanted to express her love. Start over.

The fact that mother is even sending me Christmas cards and presents and the fact that she keeps choosing these cards that are more adamant about the expressions of love - that is proof of my good fortune. She speaks to me, but not only that, everything she says comes out of love, even when sometimes I feel like it doesn't... She loves me. My mother loves me.

I take back everything I said the other night about my mother being the very definition of "straight laced." My mom is strong and gentle. She is not a tame lion and neither am I. And I think that I did not give her enough credit for raising a strong, gentle daughter who is not a tame lion. We don't see eye to eye, but that was inevitable. She always tells me that I'm just like my father. But I think all that means is that I draw out her strong opinions by displaying mine.

My mom is tough, but it's all sleight of hand. You'd never guess.

That's me, too.
Sleight of hand.
Smoke and mirrors.
We do all our own
stunts.

too much love

I have so much on my mind right now. This rant will say a lot of things to a lot of people, but know that when I say "you" I mean the figurative "you" plural, at large, and not anyone specifically.


There are some people in my life . . . one, two, some. Who are challenging me now. Some are old old friends from before the dawn of time (figuratively... at least it feels that way) and some are new friends who are still learning my language, and I theirs. Some are old friends who feel new again. Some are new friends who feel ancient. I'm starting to feel that familiar pressure on my chest bone, like someone is pressing their hand against it. A warm ache. A warning.

If I knew. Oh if I knew.

And. I've been in my hometown long enough that I'm starting to get anxious to leave. I've made it longer than I normally do. I'm usually surprised if I make it six months without that antsy feeling. I've been here doing the same thing for a year now. Existing. Alone. I've made progress, I suppose. No - I have made plenty of progress. My temperament dislikes stability. As soon as I have settled, I run.

She... she... she.

My heart, the capacity of my heart is so big that it makes my aloneness seem greater. I have so much love to give. So much affection and compassion. And I have not given myself the opportunity to express it. Either that, or the universe, god, people, have not given me the opportunity to express it. I've had my affections set on so many people in the last year. Maybe if I had one (or two?) people to focus on, then I would not scatter like marbles the gifts my heart has to offer.

Wait. Weight. Wait.
This may not be true. Lord I hope this isn't true, but from my perspective, all the butches I've met, in this town anyway, over the course of the year, have been drawn to thin femmes like deer in the headlights (if they are into femmes at all - which several were not). I'm getting to the point where I'm wondering now what's wrong with me, that I've been "on the market" so to speak, and not get snatched up by some adoring lover. Any. Is it because of my shape? I'm pretty, kinky, feminine and smart - what more could you want? Maybe I'm too smart. Maybe I'm too kinky. Maybe I'm too feminine. Maybe I'm too fat.

My inner feminist is screaming at me now to forget all that - she's trying to preserve my self esteem. But if men can be attracted to big girls (and they have been believe me) then why not butches?

Disagree with me all you want. Please do. I think butches like skinny girls because they can wrap their arms all the way around and hold onto them. Skinny girls fold themselves into your strong arms and make you feel big because you're bigger than them. Skinny girls. Puff up your big bad attitude. Somehow, their shape makes you more masculine. Isn't that it?

Big girls just don't do it for you, eh?

I'm indignant. I'm sorry. I know this is not what you mean to say with your actions. This is how I read it from my end.

I have so many hard conversations to have in the next few weeks. I'm going out to dinner with my best friend from jr. High and I've been meaning to tell her all year long. I can't imagine a good outcome to that. And other friends have been stirring up unexplainable feelings that I don't know how to sort and categorize. But I have to start, and talking is the starting.


P.S. If I don't have your address. Tuesday is my last day to ship your little gift before Christmas - E-MAIL.

you've got it all wrong

tonight, someone who has only met me twice had the nerve to call me straight laced. clearly, the person was misinformed, but that doesn't make me any less furious.

Straight laced? Uh, last time
I checked, the drawstrings
on my fucking corset
were cross-laced.
Obviously you didn't
take the time to look
a little closer.
If you had,
you would've seen
all the red marks,
scratches and scabs
covering my back
and shoulders and waist
because I have had my hands
arms twisted behind me,
tearing at the laces,
yanking pulling the string,
even breaking the straps.
I am determined to
draw the string out of

every.

last.

hole.




The other day, someone else did the same thing, in so many words -- "Oh, no you're too shy for that!" What bothers me about the term "straight laced" is that it connotes (at least to me) the tattle tale, the voice of reason, the one who can't relax. It's the one who plays by the rules instead of making up her own - the one who refuses to subvert.

It is my mother.

I'm compelled to prove the person wrong next time we meet, but I don't know what purpose that would serve. It motivates me to keep on tearing at the laces, trying to break free. Where are my safety scissors? Someone come and cut me out. I need it.

[Edit: 03:43] A friend of mine clarified that "straight laced" basically means that I'm not a drug addict or a whore. I guess I don't really fit those descriptions... exactly. Apparently the person did me a favor, but that doesn't make me feel any less indignant. Maybe, in larger perspective, it was meant to make me examine how I take rejection? If that was the test, I don't think I did very well...