switched to WP!

Today I switched to Wordpress. It's not quite finished yet, but soon it will be! I will be posting there from now on. Give me a little while to transfer over everyone's links. Actually, this is a fabulous opportunity to say hey - if you link me and I don't link you back like the bitch that I am, will ya tell me? that way the new one will be complete.

old school, new school

In the last two weeks I have been accepted by a very gentle Dom for my training as a submissive. I have thought about doing this off and on for about a year now, and something shifted in my that compelled me to offer myself. Even now, I am simply a lump of clay just beginning to take shape. I learned a few different kneels on Sunday. Tuesday and Wednesday I took private kneeling meditations to practice. There is a thin, red band around my right ankle - I knit it myself out of some old Persian yarn which Maggie gave me. I'm referred to in lower case.

But you know, I'm already seeing how freeing it is to begin to give up control (little by little, in my case, and not completely, given the fact that this is simply a training). When I am told to do something, like homework, or a meditation, or when I receive instructions as to where I shall be at what time, I simply obey as best I can. I am seeing how the role of a Dom is partly that of a guide.

Was talking to Maggie last night about how fearful I am that I will not find a Dom that can understand and respect my primary relationship with Dana, and not take away from my relationship with her. I said, "but I shall just have to blow that cloud of fear away as if I were blowing out a birthday candle. wwffff! Adios, fear!" The funny thing is that she said she had just blown out a candle that smoked more than it should have afterward. Perhaps we cast a spell of good fortune for my search? We shall see...

my temporary Sir is quickly becoming a very treasured friend, as is His maggie.

A brief update

My seasonal part time job wound up working me full time for nearly three weeks! Great for the money, but bad for writing and stuff. Sorry 'bout that. I gatta say, the after Christmas sales have been outrageous. I got a 5 foot Christmas tree for $17 so next year we will have a proper tree. This year Dana made a tree out of construction paper, beer caps, and little pompoms. It was darling, there are pictures, but it was not meant to weather the years unfortunately.

Monday afternoon we adopted a cat. His name is Jacques Cousteau. Don't blame me, Dana named him after our third favorite song, "Foux du Fa Fa". We had friends over for the last night of Hannukkah and as we sat on and politely requested noms, which we gladly provided to him. You should have heard the happy noise he made! It sounded like "yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!" Poor guy was so hungry. It took us awhile to figure out his sex, but after our friends left, I noticed his furry little balls, teehee!

I wanted to take him to the vet, and I was perfectly content to leave him outside until such time as I could take him to the vet. Dana used to be a pet bather, though, so she decided that we should take him right away. She brought him inside Monday afternoon, clipped his nails and gave him a bath. Later on we brought home a collar for him and flea treatment for all the animals. Tuesday I took him to the vet, who confirmed that he had no microchip and said, "I think he has adopted you!" And so he has.

It's hard to really name my Flight of the Conchords favorites, though. I mean. There's Business Time which has become an inside joke among all my beloved. And the first I ever heard was Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros ... totally hilarious. I'd say All the Ladies in the World is among the top five, as well... "lady many lady!" Speaking of beautiful girls, another fave is The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room... is that a compliment?? My personal all time favorite has got to be Inner City Pressure!


Mom came to visit for a couple of weeks, but it was a whirlwind trip for her because she was packing up my grandmother's house with her the whole time because she found a buyer. Owning two houses was too much for her (totally understandable, don't you think?) So she'll be getting a motorhome for my uncle's backyard for times when she is in this area, and she's going to be adding on to her mountain home. Grandma's a tough gal though, so they got everything finished! Dana got to meet my beloved dachshund, our childhood pet. A very sweet thing. And mom acknowledged to me that she knows I'm with Dana, and that I live with her and everything. She's not happy about it, but we've decided that if we keep everything on a very superficial level when it comes to Dana, that mom doesn't mind talking about her. She made the hominy casserole that I brought to Christmas dinner and everyone loved it - mom made a joke about D being able to cook better than I can and I can see that she's not going to spend her life crying over me. That's a good thing.

Grandma's giving us her kitchen table, a couch, and a chair - how awesome is that? We're getting ever so close to the end of Dana's lease and I'm a little nervous, but excited too. The homes in the area have decreased quite a bit in the last two months - I've found several 3BR homes renting for $800 monthly which is fantastic, so I'm hoping to snag one asap and get the hell outta this apartment complex, and out of apartment life... hopefully forever! Of course there are lots of costs involved and I'm not going to be working much... there's so much up in the air, it's crazy!

Sorry for the long rambling update. And the lack of sex. We've been so busy, tired, menstruating and having yeast infections from antibiotics because of swollen tonsils that we haven't had any wild and crazy sex. Except for that threesome... I've still forgotten to tell you about that! I'll save it for another night.

One final note, after grocery shopping, I made cream cheese cracker dip with pepper n onion relish, corn bread pudding, and an oatmeal pear crisp. Love it!

Goodnight darlings!

Reflections on Glory

We discusses God's glory in church today. The speaker gave an account of a time when he was out on a dock that stretched far into a beautiful lake. Looking up, he saw the expanse of the sky bright with many stars, and fell into a great wonder. He was awed by the majesty of God's creation and told of how God's glory must be so much greater than that. He said that the hebrew word for glory was like the opposite of "making light of" - it is to recognize the emotional/spiritual weight of something. Of God.

The speaker's story reminded me of a night when I was out walking along the beach with my dear friend. The moon shone bright above us, and was reflected in the water just a few feet from where we walked. I realized that as far as we walked, the moon was still reflected right next to me. I called to my friend, a few steps away and said, "face the water, look down at your feet, what do you see?" she replied, "I see the moon!" and as I looked down, it was shining in front of my feet, too. In both places at once, the light shone for us. I could see how God used that reflection to reveal his character to me. Above, he shines for all to see, like the singular moon, he is a blessing to the world. But down here, at the personal level, God walks beside each one of us, lighting the way, bringing comfort and freedom.

Oh, come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Oh, bid our sad divisions cease,
And be yourself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
(Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel)

An old Advent hymn calls for God to unite the world. Bind all hearts in one! Dissolve the things that divide us! Bring the kingdom of peace! This is my prayer for the new season our country has entered, and my prayer for the world.

And another song talks about being united in love, and about caring for those less fortunate. In this song "slave" simply refers to someone of a lower caste who lacks access to resources.

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
(Oh, Holy Night)

Let us remeber that we are all made of stars.

Prop 8: The Musical?

I found this gem on Dark Musings

guess what!

I ______________________________, certify that I, and ______________________________ became domestic partners on ______________, and we:

1. have an intimate, committed relationship of mutual caring, and
2. currently share the same regular and permanent residence, and
3. are jointly responsible for "basic living expenses, as defined below, and
4. are not legally married, and
5. are each eighteen (18) years of age or older, and
6. are not related by blood closer than would bar marriage in the state of residence, and
7. were mentally competent to consent to contract when our domestic partnership began, and
8. are each other's sole domestic partner and are responsible for each other's common welfare and intend to remain so indefinitely.

"Basic living expenses" means the cost of basic food, shelter and any other expenses of a Domestic Partner which are paid at least in part by a program or benefit for which the partner qualified because of the Domestic Partnership. The individuals need not contribute equally or jointly to the cost of these expenses as long as they agree that both are responsible for the cost.




ya know, honestly i think that this is the only type of union that is appropriate for me. or for anyone else, but i'll make the rest of y'all make that decision. the only stipulation that it makes is that i can't have another domestic partnership until six months after the last one ended. that's reasonable. that's a measure of personal responsibility. if you're hopping from partner to partner, getting benefits for all, you're causing beaurocratic paperwork (wastin' trees!) and kinda cheating the system and cheating yourself. anyway. i think it's pretty legit now, folks. we do share bills, groceries, living space and mutual caring - if i meet all the requirements, why not do it? oh, one final note:

indefinite: without limit; forever, or until further notice; not definite; vague or unclear; undecided or uncertain.

empleyo

I have a question for all of you, and this is a serious question which I hope that you will all spend some personal time thinking about, and that you'll come up with a serious answer.

What do you do with a BA in English?

No, seriously. Because there are a lot of things you can with that degree in general, but specifically, what exactly do you do? Pair that with an AS in Culinary Arts and you've got a high quality candidate right? Second question:

How did you get your job?

Because if you can get a job, no offense, but my Dana here should be able to get one too. Do you think it's because employers are reluctant to hire a masculine female? I don't like to think that was the case in some of these lost opportunities, but it does seem likely.

Some of it is this catch 22, where you can't get a job without experience, but you can't gain experience without a job. You know you have the skills but no employer's just going to take your word for it, they want proof, you know?

I got my first job in good faith, the guy hired me because I took photography, I knew cyan yellow and magenta, I could do basic math, and I had a good eye for color balance. I worked at that job for a year and a half until my personal life, and the store volume were not compatible anymore.

I got my current job with no phone experience, but now I'm pretty much a pro. Maybe that's why I don't want to work there anymore - I've mastered the menial task of "how are you today?" "how would you like to pay?" "Sure i'll set up a payment arrangement" "can i have your routing and account number?" Every call is exactly the same customer, every call is the same scenario. It's just hard because I'm a naturally compassionate person so when they say I have to sound concerned about the customer's situations, the only way for me to "sound" that way is to actually be concerned. I end up draining myself of all my love and care on people who will not, cannot reciprocate, and just want my sympathies so I'll give them what they want.

I digress. Any help out there? Anything? Ideas, comments, profanity?

Ramazan

Tomorrow I'll begin celebrating the fasting/feasting month of Ramadan, where millions of people all over the world will not drink alcohol, not have sex, and not eat, drink, or smoke unless it the sun is down. I am not Muslim, but my trip to Turkey in 2006 was timed around Ramazan (the Turkish spelling) and I enjoyed every minute of it. I get out of fasting because of my health concerns, but I will be pleased to practice some self-discovery, some times of prayer and meditation, and some times of reconciling myself with past actions I may regret. Some people call it repentance, but I don't think it has to be all that formal. Ramazan is just a time to get right with yourself, to give to charities that you value, to spend time with people you love, and to be conscious of your spiritual being. It's more than that, but that's what it is to me.

My favorite thing will be ezo gelin corbasi and iskender kebap.

I've been thinking about covering me hair, too.

It wouldn't be the first time that I've worn a hair/head covering. In 2005, as I was preparing to leave for missionary discipleship school, I spent two weeks with my head covered any time I left the house, or if I was in the company of women. I did this as a personal exercise of solidarity with women who are not allowed to show their hair. I may not do it for thirty days, I may not do it every day, but I in a way, it does make me so much more conscious of myself in my environments.

In other news, I'm not getting a new job, I'm not moving to New York, yet. I am seriously thinking about applying to grad school to get my Master's of Information and Library Science. Whattya think? Sexy librarian? Dana and I are thinking about renting a house in the Gayborhood here. Something with a yard and a tire swing and a vegetable garden. I'd like a spare bedroom which we could transform into a library/office. Or - a spare room for sexy time with anyone!

Ask me anything. As me a question. Say anything you'd like, and I'll do my best to answer truthfully. I'm an open book.

suspension of heterosexual belief

In light of Sinclair's recent post about the suspension of heterosexual belief, let me tell you about kissing a boy last night.

For me, you see, boys are a great idea in theory but in practice it simply doesn't work. I'm not into their general boorishness, their clumsiness, and apathy toward women's situation, their overall grossness. But Robbie is different. First and foremost he is the husband of my darling Jenny - that alone should be enough for me to think highly of him. Secondly, he is committed to feminist causes, and very supportive and sympathetic to queer politics and theory. A man after my own heart, you see? Add to that, practised, gentle kink and a tastefully open relationship with Jenny. What could be better? I always say, you don't have to be gay to be queer. I'll add to that - you don't have to limit yourself to be gay.

Anatomy aside, Robbie is very keenly the type of boy that I would want if I were into boys. Maybe I am. Or maybe I am only into boys like him. You see, I like masculinity. I love the sort of female masculinity that butch women present and live out. But I can appreciate gentle, sweet boyish boys too. So - is it just the masculinity part? This respectful masculinity that cherishes and protects my femininity whether it comes from a boy or a girl? it's just so very rare to find that in a boy. I dunno what I'm trying to say.

Kissing Robbie in the pool was real-life suspension of heterosexual belief - he's a boy, sure. Masculine, defnitely! But not at all offensive, not at all scary or weird or awkward. I very much liked it.

gasp! i've tarnished my gold star! whatever shall i do?

more of the same, of course.

twice, a bad dream.

I've been having truly awful nightmares.

A couple weeks ago I dreamed that someone gave me this thin, limp, dark haired girl. She was so tiny, and barely conscious. All I knew in my dream was that she was a prop in some art project. A few yards away there was a white wall, and then a glass panel and on the back, a thinly padded wall. At the sound of a shot gun, I was supposed to throw her against the wall, so I did. Instantly I realized my mistake. She (and a several others, alike) slid, dropped to the floor where men in white masks beat them to death. I shrieked as if it had been me who was thrown. I was sickened that I had taken part in it. But I didn't understand what it was before it happened...

Dramatic, no?

Saturday night I dreamed that there were some young children who were being filmed in a children's movie. They all dove into this shallow pool and suddenly the floor underneath the pool began to tilt back and forth, creating bigger and bigger waves. The water began to rise and the children were drowning. We (the adults) tried to save as many as we could but we were struggling to keep ourselves afloat. The adults all piled into an elevator where "5" was the top floor but the numbers were all jumbled up. "5" was really like the 15th floor but like I said, they were mixed up. When we reached the top, safe and sound, I asked someone, "What happened to the children?" She was a thin orange-haired girl with a host of freckles and a warm smile. Maybe you know her. And she said, "Why, they've all drowned". She spoke with a tone of voice that expressed how unfortunate the situation was, but no real remorse or disappointment at all. I was disgusted, and I felt tricked.

Morbid. Why all the dreams about people dying? And no one caring? I don't get it.

I had another upsetting dream this morning but I can't remember what it was. It's just as well, I'd rather not remember.

Am I worried about my big dreams and plans dying? I sometimes dream so big that I have to scale down the grandeur. It hurts.

Prudence

Logo's Big Gay Sketch Show has a sketch about Suze Orman's television financial planning show wherein Julie Goldman is dressed up in her business casual best talking to lesbian callers about their financial troubles. One caller had a volunteer position, another made pretty close to minimum wage - the stories were pitiful. She was especially concerned to hear when lesbians weren't saving for retirement. The sketch, totally hi-larious. Nearing financial ruin at an ever increasing pace, not so hilarious.



Tuesday I saw a financial planner. I checked out my score online, I calculated my debts and assets, and I prepared myself for bad news. On the contrary, I'm actually not doing so bad. I have money in a 401k with my company, I'm not completely illiterate when it comes to financial options, and I've got a lot of ambition. I'm in full blown debt-smashing mode. I'm ready to opening a Roth IRA (for the poor folks!) and I'm sending more and more of my money back into my credit cards. Two trips to NYC in the past 12 months had me on the edge. Being financially responsible for my beloved cousin and her son for two months really tipped things over the edge. She's paying me back, but I'm realizing that I will have to pay back my creditors faster than she can pay me back. Basicaly, I need to pay back my debts yesterday. I cringe thinking about all the money that has gone into interest which I could have been saving! Avoid interest-charging debt like the plague people! Don't touch it, don't even go near it!

Now is the best time to redirect the financial path you're on. I've been working through some of Suze Orman's Financial Planning Workbook. Some of the exercises are a little funny, especially the one where I have to repear my financial mantra 75 times per day. I don't have time for that. But the exercises helped me figure out my greatest money fear:

I'm afraid of being stuck in a job that I hate just because it pays the bills, which also means that I can't have very much fun.

I think this stems from my mother because throughout her life I've rarely seen her spoil or pamper herself on little things (much less extravagant things) to reward herself for her perseverance. She's always held on to her cash because she needed it to pay a bill, to buy needful things rather than spending it on folly. My backlash to this has been to overspoil myself on a rather frequent basis because I don't believe that I deserve to do without the things that I want. Hence, credit card debt.

So, my financial mantra is:

I have an emotionally fulfilling job that meets my needs and allows me to spoil myself on occasion.

This is affirmation doesn't work without my effort, obviously, but I definitely confident and capable of achieving this kind of lifestyle. It's coming, folks. I can feel it! I'm ready for it, I welcome that easy lifestyle that gives me the things I need and doesn't hold me back from the things I want, all the while working a job that feeds my spirit with positive things.

Speaking of which, I applied to a job with a trade school here in town as a recruiter. How can you go wrong with an education? I can't sell TV's or porcelain figurines, or used cars, but I'm sure I can sell the benefits of an education. A definable skill, a clear career path, and greater earning capability. Here's hoping that I can get an afternoon or morning interview rather than an evening one that I'd have to call out of work at my current job to attend.