gender, again, finally!

Today I wish I had a more private place to post my thoughts. I'm feeling so conflicted, and a little bit confused. But calm and steady anyhow.

I'm going to be included in a "blog tour" of an upcoming publication in April so look out for some new information soon!

I have finally developed my thesis for the capstone project I have to do in order to graduate with my B.A. in Women's Studies. It is as follows:


Two main gender presentations, "butch" and "femme," dominated the lesbian community before the women's liberation movement of the 1960's and 1970's. "Butch" women presented themselves in a masculine way, and "femme" women presented themselves in a feminine way. Feminist of the time viewed the butch and femme lifestyle as a replication of the traditional roles within heterosexual relationships.

The 1990's brought to lesbian culture a surge of novels, anthologies, and other writings about the experiences of butches and femmes. Many books focused on the gender transgression of butch women while others focused on the complex relationships that butches and femmes have to one another. I believe this disproportionate focus on female masculinity has attracted gender theorists because patriarchal culture favors masculinity and undervalues femininity. Writings about the experiences of femmes have only recently begun to appear in academia. My research will assess works dealing with butches and femmes, and the availability of scholarship about queer femininity. I hypothesize that a disproportionate body of work focuses on butchness while relatively few works explore queer femininity. An inventory of the available literature will illuminate the overshadowing of femininity within gender theory and lead to a better understanding of the politics of theoretic production.

This was with the help of Tegee, otherwise I really wouldn't have been able to make it sound that smart and scholarly. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty smart, but she made it sound so much more important and big than it actually is! Craziness.

Had a nice day with Dana, did laundry, had tea, we knitted/cross stitched at the laundromat. I realized that not having a washer and drying gets me out of my uberwhiteness a little bit, and maybe I won't get a washer/dryer. Bought a clothes line today, so we can hand wash some small items, and save on laundry costs by drying them at home. It reminds me of Mexico. And that one time in turkey that we stayed in the top floor of a hotel with out own landing so we strung up our clothes there.

I need to talk to someone unrelated to my situation but who still understands what I'm struggling with. Dana wants me to be happy, but she doesn't believe the same way that I do about it, so our discussions are a little bit circular. I think I need a great big hug and a cry. Haven't had one of those in awhile. It's coming, I can feel it.

old school, new school

In the last two weeks I have been accepted by a very gentle Dom for my training as a submissive. I have thought about doing this off and on for about a year now, and something shifted in my that compelled me to offer myself. Even now, I am simply a lump of clay just beginning to take shape. I learned a few different kneels on Sunday. Tuesday and Wednesday I took private kneeling meditations to practice. There is a thin, red band around my right ankle - I knit it myself out of some old Persian yarn which Maggie gave me. I'm referred to in lower case.

But you know, I'm already seeing how freeing it is to begin to give up control (little by little, in my case, and not completely, given the fact that this is simply a training). When I am told to do something, like homework, or a meditation, or when I receive instructions as to where I shall be at what time, I simply obey as best I can. I am seeing how the role of a Dom is partly that of a guide.

Was talking to Maggie last night about how fearful I am that I will not find a Dom that can understand and respect my primary relationship with Dana, and not take away from my relationship with her. I said, "but I shall just have to blow that cloud of fear away as if I were blowing out a birthday candle. wwffff! Adios, fear!" The funny thing is that she said she had just blown out a candle that smoked more than it should have afterward. Perhaps we cast a spell of good fortune for my search? We shall see...

my temporary Sir is quickly becoming a very treasured friend, as is His maggie.

Ooh! Rope fun!

These two patterns are relevant to my interests!!

knotty, naughty.

I've posted a little ditty about my recent knitting adventures over at The Femme's Guide! It is five reason why knitting is good for the soul.

I've been spending some lovely time with Maggie, and I have to say that it has been so long since I have made a friend like this, that I am making it a point to savour every moment. We talk so easily, and about things that we both love, and nothing ever seems awkward or out of place. The gratefulness continues!

This week I've been thinking a lot about the wishes that I once had to be a student of submission. Before I met Dana, I had been rather interested in finding my "in" to the bdsm world. I don't think I've found that yet. But we are in a state of very easy openness in our relationship and I think I'm ready to start looking for someone to lead me in the paths of obedience. I have a lot of thinking to do about what I do and don't want in such an association, and I need to find someone who is willing to work with my apparent "smart ass masochist" tendencies - where I feel the need to disobey purposefully because I like the punishment, rather than being "good" and having delicious pain as a reward. I'm certain I can be schooled, but I understand that not everyone can handle such an unruly girl as I am.

Perhaps part of it stems from the fact that for most of my life I have done basically everything as I was told, even to my detriment. But the last two years has been about doing whatever the fuck I want. So now that I've basically molded my life into a style that works for me - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and otherwise... Now the idea of doing the bidding of someone else doesn't seem so bad, especially if the reward is pleasurable pain... and who doesn't want that!

There's so much more to think about. I had been in a dry spell until this very moment. And my honey is right by my side at every step with just the right words to bring me down to earth.

Brave, brave sugasm #117

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #118? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.
This Week’s Picks
A Fable
“They start touching her, gingerly at first, wondering what magic is in her.”
Fiction: The Island Princess and the Monkeys Who Tie Knots
“You naughty, naughty, NAUGHTY monkeys!”
Sexy Is In Your Mind
“Sexy is an attitude and really all in your mind.”
Mr. Sugasm Himself
Chickipedia
Editor’s Choice
Take a walk on the wild side.
More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm
See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.
(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Crave - Connect
Threesome on a golden afternoon
Whispers, after
Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
The female “gaze”

tattoo ideas

when my dad died, i wanted to get a meaningful tattoo. i probably haven't found the right one, but I've been playing violin for 13 years now, and it is sufficiently "part" of me that I think I could handle having it permanently on my body. so i want "f-hole" tattoos. they must come in pairs. i have thought about it before, but i can't decide what location.

should i put them on my lower back? my vain imagination puts me bowed down, or folded over a chair, or the edge of a bed, or a kitchen counter with a lover at the rear *ehem*. would that turn you on? if you're a musician? or how about in that "under the bra strap" area where Belle got her star tattoos. That would be pretty secretive, hideable, and a pleasant surprise. Or I was also thinking the two f-holes could sit right on top of my hip bones on the front.

i think i'm going to have kay draw or paint them all on me and see which ones we like best. i will post pictures if that materializes.

also, the box with the ropes, butt plug, and riding crop came - not terribly pleased with the quality of the riding crop, but it can be used on myself when i'm alone so that's definitely a plus. the ropes, unfortunately require a partner as i cannot mutate to have an extra pair of arms very quickly. Don't ferget yer safety shears! *shakes shears*

it's a date

I'm going to FetishCon 2008 (August 14-17), so who's coming with me!? Please oh please someone come with me! I'll go to bars alone, but hell the fuck no I am not going to this thing alone. Mark your calendars! It's only $40 USD and you can stay at my house. Don't you all want to stay at my house? Pretty please? Maybe I can persuade Delilah to go - surely I can convince her if I have eight months to work up to it?

If not, then I know who else wiiiill! Mr. and Mrs. Troublemaker. Girl, please. Mrs. Troublemaker will jump at any chance to wear false tits and eyelashes. Get your tickets now before the price goes up $15! Worry about your plane ticket later!

it's finally over

You know, I started 2007 with my work cut out for me. There was the problem of what to do about college. There was the not so little problem of my queerness. And there was the gargantuan problem of my commitment to a religious organization with which I was not being completely honest. I knew this year would be a challenge, and that it was! In February, some time before St. V's day, I came out to my mother - not for the first time, and that will be the last time, I swear! I drove home in March, speeding down the freeway, with my belongings crammed into every little space in my car. I called a friend on the way home, asking to stay over a little while, and that became my home. Except that before that, I needed to get a little bit of sex out of my system. First things first, you know. I got a job in April, and started this blog. I started school in June and in August I moved into a bedroom to call my own (the first in nearly two years, thanks to communal living). The first week of October, I had my first real kiss and have had none since, then I attended the disruptive, dismantling CBE workshop. November brought a trip to see my mother, and a talk about the prohibition of any of my partners from family gatherings. I also confirmed with my boss that I'm queer. Finally in December, I finished my first full semester back at school and I'm ever closer to graduating.

I have a feeling that 2008 is going to be the year of therapy. I'm surprised by how well I survived 2007 because that was one hell of a ride.

Here is what I want 2008 to hold.
1. Intimacy. After living in communal housing, after being bravely open with my dorm mates, and just leaving them cold turkey, I'm craving community. Intimacy between women friends, like Delilah described. I thrive on it and I always have. I want intimacy with lovers - I want to be truly known by them.

2. Health. I have utterly neglected my health for 2 years now, and I can feel it taking its toll. I need to get my hormone imbalance and my blood glucose problems under control. I need to swim and exercise so that my knee strength improves. I have oral surgery that needs to happen. My skin needs some TLC, especially on my face. I have to quit smoking. Have to have to have to. No more of this stopping until i feel like starting again business.

3. Activism. The reason I came home wasn't to spend my money and my time on selfish things. I came home so that I could be useful to my Christian sisters and brothers who are gay like me, and I have done nothing productive. At least, I don't think. Once I get myself grounded, that is my next step.

4. Heart. My heart is scarred, whether I want to believe it or not. I have not been a fan of talk therapy the past several years. When I was in Jr. High, I think it did me a lot of good. But since then it has caused me nothing but trouble. The "counselors" I have been to seem to build upon each other, rather than tear down the lies and the injustices that the others have served me. They have "prayed" over me countless times in hopes that it would save me from certain doom - the nasty H word. Homosexuality. I want someone who will affirm my queer identity, yet also shares my faith tradition. I think it's important to at least start my therapy with a queer person of ministry, since I ejected myself out of that position with next to no "processing" or "debriefing" work. I've been a rogue, alone, and I forgot that no woman is an island, least of all me. Long story short, I want to give my heart what it deserves.

5. Commitment. My school work needs my attention, and I don't want to hit this time next year and be wishing I had worked harder. It's only six more classes, max, and I need to make it worthwhile and salvage my GPA in case I want to do graduate school (although that thought makes me ill).


Above all else, my New Year's Resolution is to try new things.




On an entirely different topic, please note that while I prefer the company of women, I have never been entirely opposed to a polite, respectful, intelligent, naughty boy. These are hard to find. But I'm finding myself curious, and strangely confident. I feel like I can tackle just about anything, these days. Even that.

Lastly, you will be interested to know that I have tentative plans to be photographed as follows: nude, tied up in that red hemp rope and kneeling on a hardwood floor. And on a fleece rug. And in the kitchen on the tile floor. But which will it be? Dirty girls on a clean floor? or clean girls on a dirty floor? I can't decide which I like best.

Something's brewing. The wind is shifting for me. The air tastes wet.

lurking in the shadows

Can I just say that anonymous readers that don't ever comment kinda really freak me out. Someone reads from Orlando. I don't technically have any friends in Orlando! There's someone from Rochester, Chicago, Seattle, Winston-Salem, L.A., Jersey (several) and even someone from London! There are several visitors that I can kinda guess, because they're the only ones - like Philly, Springfield, and my lone Aussie ;) but Atlanta?? or Mobile? or Cullowhee? Cuz honey, you and I are probably the only ones who've even heard of Cullowhee and that makes me nervous!

It make me think I've been found out. But even if you're reading. You don't technically know who I am. Technically. All you know is that I'm some girl from the south who likes to go around busting up roles, stereotypes and paradigms. Wriggling herself the limelight. Maybe not limelight, exactly. Maybe.

All I'm asking, is that you state your name (not name your state).
Tell me your story - even if it's a one-liner.
Comment or e-mail.

On the work front: My cubicle neighbor lady at work keeps telling me what I wild thing I am. The secret is that it kinda turns me on when she says in her dry, school-matron voice, "You wild thing, you..." as she raises an eyebrow. I told her about the Twisted Monk Rope Kit that is in a brown truck somewhere on its way here from Los Angeles. I also bought a Rock Chick for a special someone who will remain nameless to protect the innocent. And a black leather riding crop. And a faint pink glass butt plug. (WHAT? you say? A butt plug you say? Yeah that's what I said. It was pretty, what can I say? I had to have it. But seriously, sex toy masterminds - can't you come up with a prettier name than butt plug? Even anal plug is distasteful. "Plug" sounds like a kitchen utensil. Like. drain plug. It's more like. An ass decoration. heehee. Um. I've had a little wine. This the longest parenthetical statement I have made in years!)

BY THE WAY - and forgive me for being traitorous: Blowfish.com is on sale, 10% off of $100, 15% off of $150 and $20 off of $200. And free shipping over $100 Which means if you get $200 worth of stuff, you only pay $160 and it comes to your house for FREE. Granted, the shipping is scheduled to take 11 days (from the ship date mind you, which is like 4 days after the order date) and I'm really anxious for it to arrive!

Recap:
1. Random non-commenters, introduce yourselves!
2. Shameless kink at work - what?
3. Think of a new name for butt plug.
4. Blowfish.com is on sale.
5. I have sneezed four times while writing this blog.

new and improved

I had quality time tonight with my favorite butch couple (whose pet femme I seem to have become!) - I listened in on gay women's choir rehearsal and then we went out for supper, dessert and drinks. Well, technically I'm the only one who drank. I had a very sweet sangria that required a pint of beer to wash down all the sugary ick. We retired to the apartment so I could meet their new (cat) babies - I'll call them Mademoiselle (girl, French accent, bitchy) and Papito (a lover boy with a Spanish accent).

But that is not why I am writing now. I'm writing because tonight we discovered my new favorite sex toy, and one which I will need to purchase straight away.

Feather Cat Teaser


Kay's has a little jingle bell on the feather end, too. Somehow, and I don't remember how, I ended up getting whapped in the ass with the feather/bell end and it was a magnificent surprise that warranted squirming, and a happy groan. The bell gives a very sharp sting that goes away quickly, kinda like wasabi - hot for a second, but then it's just savory. The feathers were great for tickling my sides and my back. I'm ticklish in all the wrong spots, though. My lower back isn't ticklish but whenever the feathers passed over my sides, I gasped a quick "ooh!" The sting of the switch is my favorite, though.

Later, I convinced the two of them to cuff me behind my back - finally! I've owned the cuffs for three weeks, now! It was only for like 2.5 minutes, but it certainly put a smile on my face. They started out with some lighthearted flogging (I'm still disappointed - it doesn't hurt!), and then went on to really smack the hell out of my ass. First with one hand, then with two at once! Ouch! They sent me home alone, all hot and bothered. Per the usual.

One of these days, man. One of these days.

any interested parties

A local legend, Miss Avarice, will be appearing this weekend at a Hallowe'en costume party (in an undisclosed location, call for details) wearing nothing but her black corset, thigh high fishnets, and hotpants. Her hands will be cuffed in leather behind her back, and any interested parties may take a turn flogging her curvaceous rear. Throwing timidity to the wind, she will rendezvous with a local musician, in hopes of taking advantage of the tipsy bassist's lowered inhibitions. A full report on the event to follow.

leather tails, a heavy handle

My potential floggers were exhausted when I got there last night, so I got a few light-hearted whaps to the rear this morning. We rose at dawn to work on a sculpture. Really, I was there for company. I told tales of my City adventures.

The Flogger:


It's very rich and I think I love it dearly. It makes a really loud, firm thump and stings just a little. Feels deliciously soft, dragged over skin. It's a medium length, not shiny, and seems like a safe bet for newish partners since it doesn't hurt.

The Cuffs:

The smooth leather of the cuffs I bought also feels fabulous. I've been wearing one today just to get used to it. No surprise, I love them! They fit around my wrists with some wiggle room. can't wait to have them fastened!