Sexual Autonomy / Sexual Freedom

I really can't believe I waited until today to check out Sinclair's post about Sexual Autonomy and Sexual Freedom. My answer is was short. Until I started writing.

For me, Sexual Autonomy means having age-appropriate access to the wealth of information that exists about different types of relationship styles, different sexual activities, fetishes, and interests, as well as safer sex practices and contraception. I think this will only happen when we live in an environment that encourages open communication, mutual respect, and an understanding of the important role that sexuality plays in every person's life. I think that's what sexual freedom is, too. Perhaps autonomy means that technically, we all have a choice in what type of sexual life we engage, whereas freedom means that people in your life won't harass you for your choices... even if they might be the "wrong" choice. We can all screw up or bless our own lives equally!

I don't think any one moment in time created sexual freedom in my life. If I had to pinpoint a time when I became free, I would probably choose the day that I drove back to my hometown after leaving a religious training school a day's drive north of here. It wasn't any one sexual act, but it was the fact that I was disregarding other people's rules, and making them up for myself. Each day in the journey to sexual freedom, I loved myself and knew myself a little bit more. After years of suppressing and ignoring my sexual being, finally, enough was enough and I wanted to be in control. It wasn't just my sexuality that got freed up, it was the rest of me as well! I went back to college to get the degree I knew that I wanted (Women's Studies / Feminism), I took my stuff out of storage and found my own place to live, and about a year later, I met Dana. I wasn't expecting to like her as much as I did, but she pretty much blasted all of my "preconceived notions" out of the water. Our family histories are so similar, and we have made it our number one priority to talk about anything and everything as soon as it comes up, so that we don't hold onto confusion and anger. The best part is that it's not "too good to be true" - our relationship together has snags in all the right places, so that we build each other up instead of tearing down the one we love.

For the longest time we lived in a state of constant fear. "What if we break up?" and "If we're still together by that time, then we'll..." But that's no way to live. So for now, we're together indefinitely - which means that there is no end foreseeable... until further notice. And I'm very happy with that.

I know this post was meant to be about sexual freedom, but that is what being with Dana means to me. She means having all my sexual needs met, and being allowed to ask for what I want, and being allowed to spread my love around. Being with Dana means getting to explore new things, talking about our likes and dislikes openly and honestly. It means me being able to experience sacred sexuality gatherings, and to talk to her about my girl crushes (and precisely the same for her as well!)

It's good stuff, I tell you what. I found a letter last night that she wrote to me back in July. She said, "You are the perfect seasoning to my very hearty broth!" Now if that doesn't make you laugh freely then you need to get your heart checked.

Let's be free to be, you and me, shall we?

Update; sectional.

I've sat down to write several posts recently. I was going to write another excerpt from John Poster's book "Meals for Males" and I got distracted looking at the funny French names he gave his pheasant recipes. Hi-larious.

I also wanted to write about our housing project: we found out Dana's lease is not up until 2/09 so we have a good four months until we move out of this 650 sq ft studio apartment. The house hunt will have to be postponed at least until the first of the year.

My new job started on Thursday. In two weeks I will work a whopping 17 hours - clearly this is not enough, but apparently all the other stores I applied to in our mall are competitors of this store. And the two that weren't sent me a thanks-but-no-thanks letter.

I'm totally jealous of everyone who was privileged enough to go to the NYC Sexbloggers' Calendar debut party. Debauchery was bound to "ensue" as they say. *sigh* Everything fun happens in New York!

My anxiety got the best of me - I am not one for protests because they tend to give me claustrophobia. I did not go, please forgive me. Instead I did my part to further the gay agenda by going to a pet adoption expo!

It is nearing the end of the semester and I will have my nose in actual books for about the next six weeks. One of my final papers is about the writings of Denise Chavez. The other paper will be an "autoethnography" where I talk about the effects of culture on myself as it relates to queer theory. I've chosen once again to talk about the femme identity. My professor wants me to answer the question, "how does femme queer femininity?" for indeed it does. I'm supposed to write about moments in my life that helped to shape my femme identity. I'll write about those scenes another time. I'm a bit behind in homework too, so expect to see and hear from me even less than you already do. I read everyone's writings, but I am just having so much trouble formulating my thoughts.

Next Wednesday I'm being inducted into my university's founding chapter of iota iota iota, which is an honor society for undergraduates focushttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifing in Women's Studies. The color is lavender - isn't that nice? It's named for Inana, Ishtar and Isis.

Dana's new job promised her 40 hours and has totally disregarded that commitment. Although she is getting the most hours out of everyone, she is still getting less than forty. She actually makes less at the new job than she did at the old horrible sucky job because she ended up working overtime before, whereas she is not allowed to now. Looking for new or second job now, as money is way, way tight. With a move on the horizon, we both need to bringing in as much moola as possible. Life is not propelled by my smiling face alone, but by the bank.

Should I or shouldn't I arrange play dates with a certain pair of beautiful people? yea or nay? It sounds like a good idea, I definitely could see it working out, but at the same time there are always risks, you know? I don't want to risk my beautiful partner in exchange for a fleeting thrill. But I also see the value in expanding one's personal horizons. If it happens, I think they're going to have to make the first move.

I'm now uninsured. Health is doing alright, but the main thing is eating right, eating small meals at frequent intervals, and taking meds on time. We purchased a bathroom scale the other day, which is a good measure of how my overall blood glucose is doing. Sugar goes up, weight goes up, and the opposite is also true.

Taking everything into consideration, however, I'm feeling absolutely fabulous. I am more and more in love with Dana. I feel more and more comfortable with our relationship. We talk about everything, we welcome change and progress, and we constantly reaffirm to each other our commitment to making things work. She sure means a whole lot to me.

curb your enthusiasm.

I cannot believe you people are not as excited about my naked pictures as I am! Seriously! I have not posted sexy pictures in MONTHS and these are my first topless pictures, and aren't they fan-fucking-tabulous? Come on now. Get excited about nudity! Get excited about breast cancer awareness - it's a campaign to remind you to touch yourself, what's not to love about THAT? As a matter of fact, touch your friend's breasts, too. two hands are better than one, I always say. if one of you misses something, the other might find it!

I would also like to announce that I just had the best sex that I have ever had with dana, year to date. I have never ---evver--- been fucked so exquisitely. I was sitting at the edge of orgasm for like 20 minutes before I came crashing down. A. Ma. Zing. When we first started having sex, I was so pleased by her skill that I just wanted to share it with the world, "everyone should have sex this good!" But it was gotten so good that I'm getting to be a selfish bitch and keep her hot lovin' all to myself. Maybe not allll to myself, but I'm not sharing with just anyone if you know what I mean.

Who knew I deserved a girlfriend as great as this. We engaged a third finger for the first time ever, and it was absolutely glorious. Her tongue on my clit sets off the fireworks in my brain! The combination of the two is beyond compare, it sends me into total meltdown. No doubt about it, I am pretty damn lucky.

busy bees

I have to say, and I hate to say, writing here has become somewhat of a chore. It does not flow easily as it used to. I forget the things that I meant to tell you about, and I groan to think of how many days it has been since my last post of substance. I don't even count hits anymore, I can hardly find time to read and respond to the legion butch/femme and sexuality writers out there. And let me tell you, they are legion. The number of people I read now, vs. whom I read a year ago has probably doubled if not tripled. I can't keep up with all your fantastic theory, self revelation and revelry, and even the reality checks that bring things into focus.

I'm not saying I'm going to stop writing altogether, because I'm sure once I get back in the groove of things, I'll be scribbling off notes to myself left and right. I've been very pleased to delve into Queer Theory: An Introduction and American Queer, Now and Then and Gendering Bodies.

If you're looking for great writing about gender troubles or the thin lines between butch and trans, definitely look for writings by the distinguished sociology and feminist professor Dr. Sara Crawley. Ze has several rather engaging publications in print right now, one of which I used for the paper I gave on Femme legitimacy in the queer community. Read "Prioritizing Audiences: Exploring the Differences Between Stone Butch and Transgender Selves". It'll rock your transmasculine world.

Since I have reported myself as somewhat of a sexblog, but more of a life/queerness/women's issues blog lately... I should tell you that the sex is um... infrequent but very, very good. You know it's good when it lasts you a few days. When it's really good, we've found each other saying, "last night was so nice!" I get little text messages saying, "I can't stop thinking about how good you made me feel!" Right now our love is not that voracious, raging, new love. It has simmered and sizzled into a satisfying, comfortable, snuggle-me-at-night love, we are not tragic, we are not heroic, we are not married, she is not my wife. But we coexist so peacefully, she and I.

So many months of begging the universe to bring me someone good for me and here she is. It's not all peaches and cream (oooh... peaches and cream!) -- close -- but it is steady and calm.

I found myself missing the sacred circle of the Body Electric School the other day. Sunday. I had not felt that void in some time, but it was there. A womyn-only-space shaped hole in my heart. Naked singing and dancing hole. A gap the shape of pushing boundaries. A comfortable velvet cloak, that void. I used to talk about the void in Mexico and Cuba...

hay un vacio en el corazon. todas tienen este vacio... y atemptamos llenarlo con cosas varias pero... pero solamente Dios puede llenarlo.

I used to say that only God could fill the void. Now, I think what fills that void is self love. Remember, I used to preach Jesus... but the word "Jesus" came out sound like "love thyself!"

Do it people. Love yourselves. Please do it. It is so very, so very important to me.



I am a lover-healer...
I am a lover-healer...

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's sugasm 143!

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after tapas

I told her in the car on the way home from the tapas restaurant what I wanted. "When we get home, I want you to put on your cock and put your pants back on." She was easy to persuade. "I'm going to leave my dress on, if that's okay." Of course it was.

She started me off sitting on the edge of the bed. Kissed me, tenderly she became reconnected with my body. Soon I found myself lying back, with my panties being yanked down, greedily, over and off my ankles. She sank into my cunt with her lips, rocking me steadily upwards. With her pants unzipped, unbuckled, I was keenly aware of her swelling desire.

One at a time, she brought her fingers into my pussy - one to unlock the door and two to swing it wide open. Warm, warm fingers. I lifted my legs up over her shoulders to adjust the angle and begged - "Oh sweetie, you fuck me so good, oh yes, oh please!" Then, once she pulled her fingers out, her cock was ready to jump into action. Still, with my legs on her shoulders, or over her elbows, she guided her cock into me slowly - slowly - ahhh. She knows the angle, she knows the rhythm immediately. There, at the edge of the bed she fucked me for a long while, bringing me back to the edges of myself.

We paused and repositioned onto the bed, for the safety of my back. Oh how she loves the vision of her cock inside me. It's warm and soft and I love the full, feeling it gives me. I love it all. Her pants were still on at this point, but not my dress, it came off as we switched to the flat of the bed. Ahh. With her cock inside me, I brought my hands down to my pussy and she and I together sent me up like a shooting star. Crying out to her, that long sigh - "oooh baby!" That cry is full of crave and desire. She cooed and caressed me back into myself, unbuckled my shoes and took them off. As we lay in the bed afterward, letting me come back to reality, I said, "So, what can I do for you?" She knew I was tired and didn't want to put me out, but she deserved something in return after all that!

I rolled over on top of her and did what I could to return such a gracious favor.

part psychological. part physiological. part passion.

Last night she felt it. The energy of her cock seeped through its firm shaft and down, down inside her pelvis and she said the strength of her desire was reflected back from her core and out through her cock. Her cock.

We're definitely on the upswing. And we've made a gentle agreement to start exploring kink. It's the first day of school and we're just here to have fun. I'm sitting here in a rope harness into which I tied myself. She's reading a book and cooking matzo ball soup (with chicken?).

Naked in our space together,
enjoying life as usual and
tossing our change into a
big glass pickle jar.

When it jingles, it makes the sound of change.

This is the sound of change.

two things

sex is so freaking good right now. i didn't think we could have a successful repeat of the cock endeavor of last night. lemme just tell you people. it was fantastic

and the other thing. sex makes me so hungry! dana made this amazing mushroom stuffing, with broccoli and baked chicken. fabulous.

i'm going to go bask! ahh. so great.

reconnecting

I would tell you how she eased her cock so gently into my cunt. If I wanted to, I would describe the weight of her hips rocking closer to me. I could give an account of the sweet way she worked her cock for exactly the third time ever.

But what I really want to tell you about is what happened afterward. Reclining on her back, she was resting from all her hard work, I flung my hair out of the way (it has grown quite long) and brought my hand down to where the leather straps were so tightly fastened around her waist, glutes, legs. I brushed my fingers over her labia, feeling how wet the show of my orgasm had made her, and finally pressed my fingers into her cunt. From there, my lips quickly found her cock, and I graced the two - cunt and cock - at the same time. Immediately, the obvious moan of her pleasure rose from her body. I love the way she takes to my fingers, or my mouth, or whatever the instrument of choice, allowing her body to be soothed by my affections.

We have a question for all of you - blog readers and writers. Some butches and transmen say that they can "feel" their cock when they ar wearing it. That the touch gives a certain sensation even though it's not physically attached. Is this cultivated? Does it have to do with the degree to which one identifies with a masculine persona? Is there a spectrum of how trans or not trans a butch can be, and if you lean to the trans side of things then it gives you pleasure to have girls touching your cock and if you're on the genuine butch woman side, then not so much? How does this all work? Having an answer to that question would be so very helpful. Sin? Dylan? anyone? What's this all about?

deflowering

May I introduce to you, Tex.

I got home from the airport two hours after she was supposed to go to work. In those two hours, we figured out how to put it in the harness, how to tighten the straps, how to position ourselves. Gently, sweetly, I am wondering why on earth we didn't try this before. I'm hooked. It's going to take some getting used to. I can't handle it on a regular basis, but damn. Two words: butch cock. And she finally has something physical to locate it. I'm totally freakin pleased, and I imagine I will be for a long time. Damn good lovin' right here.

phew!

TMFT

I'm sorry that it has been nearly a week now since I last posted, but I have had some interesting developments lately. First of all, I'm completely flipped out and ecstatic about the PSI coming up. Secondly, I have to see the oh bee gee why en! in the morning. Thankfully Dana will be with me. I was there when she had her visit a couple weeks ago - she was a little nervous but it went perfectly well. I'm not excited about the cold ducklips, but I am excited to start revisiting the treatment of my PCOS. It has been a long time since I thought seriously on it, and tried to see about resolving some of the issues. I basically stopped getting my period several years ago and I went through a grieving period. Now, I live with a 3 year old, and I'm perfectly content to be child free for the rest of my life. I mean. I'll probably change my mind later in life. Whatevs.

Also, Dana and I met up with the famous Essin' Em for some sun bathing and mixed drinks by the pool. She was in South Florida vacationing with her family and we had the privilege of rescuing her from TMFT (too much family time) for a little bit of debauchery. I've had some writer's block and I can't remember everything, but suffice to say that at one point the tables had turned. Dana was tied up to the end of the bed with me straddling her hips and Em was flogging my back and Dana's legs. That was the highlight of my night, unless you count Dana fucking me as I reclined into Em's embrace. Woohoo!

Dana had a little bit of a hard time afterwards trying to come to terms with the fact that it was okay to have fun with another girl, and that it's okay to think another girl is pretty, even though she's with me. Today she is doing much better. Remember how I was with Crave? She had a case of those same blues but it was milder and went away quicker.

On the drive home from the Atlantic coast (we live on the Gulf coast) we talked about all the highlights, and we asked "was it ok when i ...?" and "did you like it when i ...?" I think we might have finally converted Dana - whee! I told her she could pick the next one :P

My housing situations is feeling better and better - I split my time between Dana's apartment and mine. The child is perfectly charming... except I think I caught his first-week-of-preschool cold. Ugh. Toddler sniffles!

a lot on my plate i guess...

This week is really kicking my ass. It was me and my cousin and the baby plus Dana all crammed into Dana's studio apartment for 5 days until we could get our keys on Wednesday. Between the first month's rent and the deposit on the electricity I've wiped out my bank account. Also, some eggs over medium-well stayed in my system for like 24 hours - how do I know? Because every burp tasted like them. Indigestion is no fun. Today, I have to see the Dentist for the second time this week due to a minor mishap yesterday. My stuff is getting moved either this saturday or next, out of that filthy house and into a small bedroom on the north end of town. This is definitely not the lifestyle I have been used to. *sigh*

On the Dana side of things.

Last night I was reading Sinclair's most recent story about Penny. Dana came up to me half way through and put her hand around my neck and pushed me back into my chair. She kissed me once, twice, and took a fistful of my hair to steady me. Dana shoved my shirt up over my breasts and took my nipple into her mouth ferociously, still holding my head all the way back. After attending to my other breast, she yanked my panties down off my hips, down my legs and onto the floor (The joke is, on our first phone conversation, she asked, "describe your underwear" - and I answered truthfully, "on the floor!").

We've been pretty stressed out lately, but hopefully with the move, things will be getting easier on everyone.

my anniversary came and went without a whisper!

As I was reading over Sinclair's anniversary post (Happy 2 years!), I realized that mine was April 26, Saturday, and I totally missed it... I was so busy sleeping and running errands this weekend that I forgot that My blog anniversary was on April 26! I had copied over some of the filtered posts from my old blog to get started, and then wrote my first blog entry.

This blog has been all about handling layers. I have been learning to flip through the pages of our culture, of queer culture, and of the sexualities that we have taken underground, discovering anew the rich history and family that is built around shared secrets. I feel like I joined a secret guild of queer and sex writers who are taking back their sexualities and writing the stories back into the public eye. Keep doing that, and I'll keep working alongside you all. I said:

i shall never lack for conquests, suitors, and worshipers.

but it isn't the lack I fear. It's the abundance. I just want one that I can trust.

one pair of eyes to gaze into, in which to lose myself, wandering. one pair of lips for kissing, for communicating, for caring. one pair of hands for touching, for holding, for safety.

hands that hold me tightly - but not too tightly. hands and arms that wrap around me, assuring me of rest and security. and the breast, the tenderness, compressed against mine, the hope, the health, the future adventures, the trust and companionship. the faith and the forgiveness.

i want it. i want it all. the hands and everything that comes with them. the eyes and everything i see in them. the hips that balance right-and-wrong, new-and-old, truth-and-disguise.

my hands are sun hands.
hands know words that lips can only dream of.

A year later, and at least for now I have found that pair of hands, and everything that comes with them, and we're continuing to discover how our hands fit together. Holding each other's hands, we are learning to walk in one even stride.

I really need to say, too, that the people who have consistently followed my adventures, and encouraged me to write, reveal and divulge have been truly invaluable. I am a different person today, a freer, healthier person because I am telling my story. If you're not telling yours yet, start now.

sex before work

Got tagged by Essin' Em, figured why the heck not?

This is Isabella’s Sex Meme. Anyone is welcome to steal it, but you must post this rules blurb at the beginning of the meme.

1: You must include this link to Sex Talk - Sex Advice for Men.
2. You must answer every question! If you don’t have a good answer, you are strongly encouraged to make up something good; we like to be entertained.
3. You must tag three people: Delilah, Dark Musings, Tongue Tied

Here goes:

1. Sex in the Morning or Sex at Night?
Either and all. I like to unwind by having sex, and I like the rush of really quick sex in the morning before you have to be somewhere and then running off to work all flustered :)

2. Sex Music
I dunno I have a mix of k. d. lang, iron and wine, ani difranco, over the rhine, and simple piano solos

3. Naughty Pics or Naughty Home Videos?
pictures.

4. Fabulous Sex With: Dr Doug Ross or Dr Greg House?
Someone in the medical profession.... Delilah is in the medical profession! :P

5. Vibrator or Dildo?
You know, there's really nothing like regular old fingers. If I had to pick, it would be a vibe.

6. Bedroom Sex: Lights Off or Lights On?
Whatevs. As long as I'm with you.

7. Word Preference: Pussy or Cunt?
I really like them both. Honestly. I use them interchangeably, as they refer to the same thing.

8. Spanking Over the Knee or Spanking Only During Sex?
Both, please.

9. More Exciting: Sex in an Elevator or Sex in an Aeroplane?
Hotel room, bedroom with the windows open, porch or balcony.

10. Ron Jeremy or Peter North?
Trucker Cash?

11. Word Preference? Cock or dick?
Cock, because I like how the name feels in my mouth, and because my Grandpa's name was Richard and they called him Dick and it wasn't a bad word back then :(

12. Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson?
Princess Donna

13. Rope Bondage or Bondage Tape
Rope.

14. Give Rim Job or Receive Anal Sex?
um. I'm not so much into the sex part, but I don't mind that pretty pink butt plug

15. Get Rich Stripping in a Skanky Bar or Get Rich as a Call Girl for Celebs?
Burlesque.

16. Which Threesome - Boy/Girl/Girl or Boy/Boy/Girl?
Yeah Dana and I have the boy/girl part down and we've been looking for a girl third - anyone interested?

17. Flavoured Oil or Tingling Oil?
Creepy!

18. Favorite Non-Sexual Object to Make Sexual?
scarves

19. Sex While Strangers Watch or Sex With a Stranger?
i could go for sex while strangers watch

20. Tied to the Bed or to a St Andrew’s Cross?
I've never been tied to a St. Andrew's cross...but that could be fun. However, I really like being tied to the bed. A hell of a lot, so we'll just go with that.

possibly the best, so far

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updates

I'm terribly sorry that I have been lacking in posts. A friend of mine, Stefanie, has hit a really rough spot and I've been doing my best to help her through it when her family (of which I am an honorary member) has all but ignored her and called it her own damn fault. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but when a family member is in this kind of need, the blame is on those who do not lend a helping hand. Period.

Also, I've been busy continuing to figure things out with Dana. We're enjoying each other's company with more and more ease instead of nervousness, but I think we are still struggling to feel a sense of security with one another. Again, this will come with time. Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that I am severely allergic to her apartment - either due to the great dane that slept in her bed for the last year with her ex girlfriend, or due to three animals and two people living in a carpeted studio apartment. Probably a combination of both. I think the bed is also causing her to have really awful congestion, so we are looking for a new bed and I'm thinking of investing in a more powerful vacuum cleaner.

A couple of weeks ago, I was at the doctor's to get the results of my mononeucleosis tests. The doctor (who knows that I am lesbian, because Dana went with me the first time we saw her) asked me if when my last HIV test was. I froze and turned white, I could feel it! I have never had an HIV test and it totally freaked me out. They drew the blood and sent it off to some anonymous lab to have the anonymous testing done, and I drove over to Dana's shop to talk to her. I sat in a booth and stewed - why would she ask me that? did I have signs of it? what behaviors could have given me HIV? I couldn't think of any reasons - I've never had sex with men, and I had only had membrane-to-membrane contact with three women up to that point (not counting kissing, and of course I know that one is enough to get infected!). What did I do? I called Jennie. Any time I have a sexual or medical problem, I call Jennie to bitch about it because she's like the master at making me feel better about it. She reminded me how very few documented cases of female-to-female transmission there has been, and that the biggest risk for "lesbians" is sexual activity with an infected male, or needle sharing. (GMHC: Women, Sex & HIV) I was instantly relieved, and obviously today I found out that the test came back negative. Thank God. Really. Thank Him.

Speaking of God, Dana and I went to the Passover seder with the Hillel chapter at my university. It was nice to be in the presence of people who share her faith (and mine, technically speaking). We have spent some time mulling over scriptures (new and old), and we have determined to memorize some of them together to grow in unity. I'm looking forward to the next Jewish holiday.

And that folks, is your update.

P.S. Her finger (I found out it was only one, oops!) has really been hitting the spot lately, and I'm learning to like it more and more. I think we'll be going um. Shopping soon. Whee!

tentative/definite

This morning as Dana was dreading going to work, I was asleep in the bed, wishing that she could stay with me. I watched her face move between irritated, sad, tired and angry in cycles. It was just one of those days. Last night I brought up "dating" with her - I wanted to see what all this business of dating more than one person and being "okay" with it is all about. It didn't sit very well with her. I'm not disappointed, it's more of a curiosity for me than anything else. What disappointed me was that I made her sad. I don't want to stop seeing her, or sleeping with, or spending my days with her. Not yet, not for a long while, I hope.

Her eyes swept over my naked body and decided she would have a taste of me for breakfast, mouthfulls of my flesh and moisture and energy. She pushed my knees apart and brought her mouth down to my waiting, wanting clit. I was still a little bit asleep but each stroke brought me closer and closer to that release of energy. She brought me to the edge of myself and with a big deep breath, I brought my arms down to touch where it feels best, and from there I jumped into a bottomless pit. It seemed like minutes, 5 or more, I pulsed and my stomach contracted, and that nonsense speak, these incomprehensible moans erupted from my voice until finally I found something to grip. Instead of pulling out her two (only two?) fingers from my melting pussy she left them in, pushing them in and dragging them out - this is that sex organ that floats in the open for all to see (if only i could possess them, cover and dress them and keep them my secret). She fucked me this way for a few more minutes, but there was a rising tide of emotion gathering in my throat and my cheekbones and my neck. I lifted my arm up and rested it over my eyes and started to cry.

I want her, and I've been trying to say the things that will convince her but I think because of the shortness of the time we have been together, things still feel so tentative. But that is not how I am thinking of it. It is the opposite of tentative. Definite.

She held me and told me "it's okay" a hundred times until I believed her. I'm waiting now to see her again, I'm waiting now to hold her again.

Guest Post: Dana

Because I'm vain, and because she likes me.

I love her femininity and the way she wears it well. I love her curves and her breasts and her butt and the way the clothes she wears accentuates all her features. When I come home and find a pair of black heels settled in the nook under my nightstand, I get a chill down my spine because I'm thinking of how her calves look when she wears them.
Her lips are pursed and her smirk is smug when I tell her she's beautiful. I could kiss the spot beside her neck.. the spot below her hips.. the spot.. everywhere. Everywhere there is a spot that I could kiss because she is the epitome of sexy. I cannot cannot cannot get enough of her. and the sex is not just sex. It is amazing, it is beautiful and hot and I'm always wanting more. But it is not sex. It is something else. Something far more gratifying than I have ever experienced. And it doesn't feel new. It feels like my favorite pair of jeans that I can never seem to part with. And that's the best part. Because it's like my favorite dish. It's like something I've been eating for years and always order when I go out to eat. And it's always just as satisfying and delicious and it never gets old and it never gets boring and I cannot cannot cannot believe how undeniably lucky I am to have found her.

and I think that what makes us so right for each other... is the way we are honest and natural and real. And harmonious. And on the same wavelength. And I've not felt like this.. this pure liking loveness that I feel. This intense and simple adoration makes me full and I cannot begin to describe how much I feel or how powerful I feel -- caring about her makes me feel whole and well and satisfied. Like that feeling you get when you can't wipe that silly grin off your face. Even when you're pmsing or she's grumpy or sick or moving or I'm overwhelmed or out of bread or absolutely dog-dead-tired -- I still feel enamoured of her. I still feel impressed and amazed and... astounded... and I'm tired of adjectives but it simply must be said that I am happy.

minor details

"You have 20 minutes before you have to leave for work."
"oh yeah? hmm"

I yawned and stretched with my whole body as I do pretty frequently in the morning, when I'm in bed and naked. I let my knees fall open so she could see me wanting. Last night I had said, "you treat me like dessert" - she said, "oh yeah, you are the dessert!" When she wants it, I can't say no and when I want it, she can't say no either.

20 minutes.

I always feel myself rising like the smoke of smoldering ashes - it happens just as soon as her hot mouth closes in around my clit, so warm and soft. We've taken to these soft morning sessions that tease her on her way in to work, a snack. Breakfast of me.

Last night it was strawberries and cream on my breasts and chest and belly, they were so cold from being refridgerated and she tasted so sweet on my lips. She licked irish cream from between my breasts and kissed me sweetly. Even after I am spent I somehow find my second wind to reward her valiant efforts and every time - no, really, every single time - she has fallen into la petite morte and quieted herself and spoken nonsense to me. Every single time. Her reward is also mine.

I guess I am still entrenched in that phase where I can't get enough of her love, and all I want to be is with her, and all I want to do is lie naked, curled around her, exchanging this life-giving energy that we are breathing into and drawing from each other. I should tell you more about her, I should tell you more about all the things we have in common, but for now all I want to do is tell you that she fulfills me and comforts me and makes me feel truly well.

back to the sex

The details are lost on me, chronology and order and the placement of hands and mouths and fingers is mostly lost on me. Except that for the most part, the majority of our sex is her drenched in me and loving to taste me and me loving her lips on my cunt. Do not expect plot or lines, just enjoy the feeling.

So the other night, which is becoming every night, Dana had her mouth on my pussy - eager and hungry she was bringing me over the edge and all I could think of, all my mind could conceive of was the color yellow. It was soft yellow, and sunlight yellow and lemong yellow. I was thinking of lemons, and then lemon bars. Lemon bars? I don't really know what that was all about. After yellow it was soft pale blue. It was sky blue and light blue jeans. Ahh. yellow and lemons and lemon bars.

So! The code word is now lemon bars. "Yeah... we were making lemon bars so we couldn't answer the phone, sorry!"

Later, Saturday night when I wished we were out dancing but instead my brand new girlfriend was helping me move my apartment. I was in the walk in closet at the old place, looking through the clothes and I decided to put on my black suit blazer over the pink tank top and shorties that I was wearing. I stuck me head out of the closet to call her over to me, and you should have seen her jaw drop when she saw me, breasts pushing their way out the top of the blazer, over the tight buttons and the tank top. "oh, you make me so wet" she said. I smiled and kissed her and we kissed for a little while in the closet, me shoved up against a wall and her hands on me. She was searching for a grip on my curves and finally put her warm hand over my cunt and rocked me against the wall.

Damn. I wish my new place had a walk-in closet.

I'm only retaining bits and pieces of the last week. One day we had a shower and I kneeled on the floor to put my face on her pussy. Another day we touched each other, lying side by side in the sunlight that streamed through an open window at my new place. She has a fabulous new haircut - her hair had been growing long and she had been thinking about cutting it, but wasn't too sure. I love it short, I really love it. Somehow, every time, every single time, the both of us have been totally satisfied with the sex. Since she's a top, she seems to hate going first or last, which means I often get topped twice.

Yesterday she was putting a new desk together since her old one collapsed. The new one was so sturdy that I had half a mind to hop onto it. I stripped for her to some - any - music and skipped off to the bathroom. When I came out she was still hard at work, trying to wire up the computer. When she had her head under the desk I hopped up on top, sat down, and hiked my knees up. When she looked up, all she said was, "ohhh yes" and immediately her tongue was on my clit just the way I've come to like it. Just the I like to come.

This girl totally loves to give the exact ways that I like to receive, and she says I'm the same way - that my giving style matches her receiving style. Giving and receiving, she gave to me later, in the bed and then this morning. She took the puppy out and came back freezing cold, so I welcomed her back into the bed and wrapped myself around her to make her warm, "I'm so comfortable in your arms" she says so often. It was all downhill from there again! Is it possible that she wants sex just as much, if not more than I do? Is this not completely fabulous or what!