Miss Avarice speaks her mind.

New Blog Address

2010-07-15T00:16:00.000-04:00

Please continue to the following address:
http://missavarice.wordpress.com

switched to WP!

2009-02-27T03:33:00.002-05:00

Today I switched to Wordpress. It's not quite finished yet, but soon it will be! I will be posting there from now on. Give me a little while to transfer over everyone's links. Actually, this is a fabulous opportunity to say hey - if you link me and I don't link you back like the bitch that I am, will ya tell me? that way the new one will be complete.

gender, again, finally!

2009-02-26T01:43:00.003-05:00

Today I wish I had a more private place to post my thoughts. I'm feeling so conflicted, and a little bit confused. But calm and steady anyhow.

I'm going to be included in a "blog tour" of an upcoming publication in April so look out for some new information soon!

I have finally developed my thesis for the capstone project I have to do in order to graduate with my B.A. in Women's Studies. It is as follows:

Two main gender presentations, "butch" and "femme," dominated the lesbian community before the women's liberation movement of the 1960's and 1970's. "Butch" women presented themselves in a masculine way, and "femme" women presented themselves in a feminine way. Feminist of the time viewed the butch and femme lifestyle as a replication of the traditional roles within heterosexual relationships.

The 1990's brought to lesbian culture a surge of novels, anthologies, and other writings about the experiences of butches and femmes. Many books focused on the gender transgression of butch women while others focused on the complex relationships that butches and femmes have to one another. I believe this disproportionate focus on female masculinity has attracted gender theorists because patriarchal culture favors masculinity and undervalues femininity. Writings about the experiences of femmes have only recently begun to appear in academia. My research will assess works dealing with butches and femmes, and the availability of scholarship about queer femininity. I hypothesize that a disproportionate body of work focuses on butchness while relatively few works explore queer femininity. An inventory of the available literature will illuminate the overshadowing of femininity within gender theory and lead to a better understanding of the politics of theoretic production.

This was with the help of Tegee, otherwise I really wouldn't have been able to make it sound that smart and scholarly. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty smart, but she made it sound so much more important and big than it actually is! Craziness.

Had a nice day with Dana, did laundry, had tea, we knitted/cross stitched at the laundromat. I realized that not having a washer and drying gets me out of my uberwhiteness a little bit, and maybe I won't get a washer/dryer. Bought a clothes line today, so we can hand wash some small items, and save on laundry costs by drying them at home. It reminds me of Mexico. And that one time in turkey that we stayed in the top floor of a hotel with out own landing so we strung up our clothes there.

I need to talk to someone unrelated to my situation but who still understands what I'm struggling with. Dana wants me to be happy, but she doesn't believe the same way that I do about it, so our discussions are a little bit circular. I think I need a great big hug and a cry. Haven't had one of those in awhile. It's coming, I can feel it.

Good news is close to home

2009-02-20T14:28:00.003-05:00

Got this in an e-mail from a feminist listserv. Good news happening in a town not so far away from mine!

Deputy accepts $370,000 in gender bias lawsuit

By Todd Ruger

SARASOTA COUNTY - The Sheriff's Office has agreed to revamp its promotions process and pay $370,000 to its highest-ranking female deputy to settle her gender discrimination lawsuit.

Settlement includes Joan Verizzo's promotion to captain. Joan Verizzo accused former Sheriff Bill Balkwill of manipulating the agency's promotions to favor men, pointing out that there were no women among the top 18 sheriff's administrators with ranks of captain or above.

Today, Verizzo, a 24-year veteran of the Sheriff's Office, will be promoted to captain and retire. The settlement agrees to pay her $300,000 in damages, plus $70,000 in salary that she lost since 2004 because she was not promoted to captain at that time.

Verizzo's lawsuit also pushed for policy changes.

The Sheriff's Office agreed to post all vacancies for lieutenant and captain positions, and provide more training to deputies on gender discrimination issues.

The agency will also create a three-person Promotion Assessment Board, which must include at least one woman, to review and recommend promotions to the sheriff.

And it will strengthen language to protect deputies from retaliation if they make complaints about discrimination.

"I don't think it just helps women. It will help everyone, including men and other minorities," said Verizzo's attorney, Kendra Presswood. "It should make the promotion process fair for everyone."

Presswood declined to comment further until after Verizzo's ceremony today.

Verizzo's lawsuit accused Balkwill of using subjective criteria such as oral boards and changing the point system to de-emphasize education to promote men over better qualified women.

Once the head of the sheriff's human resources department, Verizzo says six less-qualified men were promoted to captain while she remained a lieutenant. Then she was effectively demoted to a position in the warrants section, and told Balkwill she planned to file a discrimination complaint with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Two days later, she was transferred to the Animal Services Division, where her supervisors had less seniority and experience than Verizzo.

Verizzo, who has a law degree, started her career as a prosecutor but was hired at the Sheriff's Office as a research specialist and became a law enforcement officer nine months later.

On Thursday, Presswood filed another gender discrimination lawsuit on behalf of a female corrections deputy with similar accusations against Balkwill.

old school, new school

2009-02-19T04:14:00.003-05:00

In the last two weeks I have been accepted by a very gentle Dom for my training as a submissive. I have thought about doing this off and on for about a year now, and something shifted in my that compelled me to offer myself. Even now, I am simply a lump of clay just beginning to take shape. I learned a few different kneels on Sunday. Tuesday and Wednesday I took private kneeling meditations to practice. There is a thin, red band around my right ankle - I knit it myself out of some old Persian yarn which Maggie gave me. I'm referred to in lower case.

But you know, I'm already seeing how freeing it is to begin to give up control (little by little, in my case, and not completely, given the fact that this is simply a training). When I am told to do something, like homework, or a meditation, or when I receive instructions as to where I shall be at what time, I simply obey as best I can. I am seeing how the role of a Dom is partly that of a guide.

Was talking to Maggie last night about how fearful I am that I will not find a Dom that can understand and respect my primary relationship with Dana, and not take away from my relationship with her. I said, "but I shall just have to blow that cloud of fear away as if I were blowing out a birthday candle. wwffff! Adios, fear!" The funny thing is that she said she had just blown out a candle that smoked more than it should have afterward. Perhaps we cast a spell of good fortune for my search? We shall see...

my temporary Sir is quickly becoming a very treasured friend, as is His maggie.

Please respond - homework help! (general update, too)

2009-02-17T18:56:00.002-05:00

I am a week overdue with this assignment, and it is mostly because I never received even ten responses. I know I haven't been writing much, but my last semester of school, moving, and a number of other stressors are really kicking my ass right now. Not having routine or a work schedule to work around has really disintegrated my

Even if you feel you have little to say in the matter, won't you be a dear and complete this survey? It's for a good cause - my degree in Women's Studies! E-mail your responses to missavarice@gmail.com, my lovelies!

Also, please pick up a book called Black Male Outsider: Teaching as a Pro-Feminist Black Man if you have any interest in the importance of men's, specifically black men's cooperation and support of womanist and feminist causes. If you're not interested, you should be.

In a talk that miss bell hooks gave at my university two weeks ago, she said that in our American culture, we have been taught to alienate black maleness, we have not been taught to relate with black maleness in a holistic way. It was a huge "aha!" moment for me and I truly hope that by reading this book (perhaps also by reading Musings of a Manwhore?) and by making intentional choices in the company that I keep, that maybe I will make some progress in that area.

Healthwise, I have had swollen tonsils for five days now, I have been on antibiotics for four days, but they had done nothing to improve my condition. Four hours on prednisone, and the antibiotic is no longer doing double duty and the white spots are already beginning to disappear. this has been one of the most expensive non-chronic health issues I have had in a long time. I'm very grateful that I have not had any major health issues in the time that I have not had health insurance. On my to do list for March is to see if I can get on the county health insurance program. I'm not employed and I do have a laundry list of health issues that make it hard to both sit at a desk for 8 hours and stand on my feet for 8 hours. What kind of job lets you sit down and stand up as often as you want? I'm thinking very few.

Also, I'm not supposed to even be typing this because I'm grounded - two weeks behind in one class, totally on task with the other class, wtf is up with the imbalance here?

Recap:
Do my survey
Read a book
Tonsils are looking better!

Ooh! Rope fun!

2009-02-03T02:59:00.003-05:00

These two patterns are relevant to my interests!!

knotty, naughty.

2009-02-01T02:29:00.005-05:00

I've posted a little ditty about my recent knitting adventures over at The Femme's Guide! It is five reason why knitting is good for the soul.

I've been spending some lovely time with Maggie, and I have to say that it has been so long since I have made a friend like this, that I am making it a point to savour every moment. We talk so easily, and about things that we both love, and nothing ever seems awkward or out of place. The gratefulness continues!

This week I've been thinking a lot about the wishes that I once had to be a student of submission. Before I met Dana, I had been rather interested in finding my "in" to the bdsm world. I don't think I've found that yet. But we are in a state of very easy openness in our relationship and I think I'm ready to start looking for someone to lead me in the paths of obedience. I have a lot of thinking to do about what I do and don't want in such an association, and I need to find someone who is willing to work with my apparent "smart ass masochist" tendencies - where I feel the need to disobey purposefully because I like the punishment, rather than being "good" and having delicious pain as a reward. I'm certain I can be schooled, but I understand that not everyone can handle such an unruly girl as I am.

Perhaps part of it stems from the fact that for most of my life I have done basically everything as I was told, even to my detriment. But the last two years has been about doing whatever the fuck I want. So now that I've basically molded my life into a style that works for me - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and otherwise... Now the idea of doing the bidding of someone else doesn't seem so bad, especially if the reward is pleasurable pain... and who doesn't want that!

There's so much more to think about. I had been in a dry spell until this very moment. And my honey is right by my side at every step with just the right words to bring me down to earth.

Survey says...

2009-01-29T12:22:00.004-05:00

One of my classes is asking me to gather responses to two very simple survey questions, I'm to get at least ten responses and then report on my findings. So if you want to help me with my homework, e-mail or comment me your responses (include your return e-mail), and I will reply with the disclaimer that basically says who will be using your answers for what, and that they will be anonymous.

I am taking a class at my university called “Men and Sexism" or "Feminism and Men” in the Department of Women’s Studies. Please respond below to the following questions:
1) What do you think sexism is?
2) Do you think feminism is an effective strategy for bringing an end to sexism?

Please fill in the following information:

*Name (you can make one up)
*Gender (and sex, if they are different than "usual")
*Race
*Economic background (For example, do you come from an economic background that you would consider to be: upper class, middle class, working class, or under class [poor]?)
*Sexual orientation
*Age
*Religious affiliation (if any)
*Highest level of education attained
*Response to question 1:
*Response to question 2:

I realize that the answers to this might of sort of biased if I know you folks, so if there are any of you that aren't really in the field of women's/gender studies, please answer! I'm looking for a broad range of answers.

newheart

2009-01-27T04:29:00.004-05:00

I think, today, I met a kindred spirit. A tea drinking, deep thinking, ship sinking woman with a love for the everyman, everywoman, everyone in all of us. She has a tongue and a mind for language, and a great deal more than that. She taught me to knit and said such wonderful things about my beginner's swatch. We talked and knit vulvas and drank tea for hours with nary an awkward silence.

The funny thing is I have been curious about her from afar for nigh on two years, fearing I were not of her kind. And maybe I'm not, but she treats me as though I am one . . . of a kind!

The best part is that (I feel) we have so much in common, and it is always joyous to be in the presence of someone who knows your customs and shares your attitude about life.

I am nothing if not grateful.

Sexual Autonomy / Sexual Freedom

2009-01-23T15:02:00.005-05:00

I really can't believe I waited until today to check out Sinclair's post about Sexual Autonomy and Sexual Freedom. My answer is was short. Until I started writing.

For me, Sexual Autonomy means having age-appropriate access to the wealth of information that exists about different types of relationship styles, different sexual activities, fetishes, and interests, as well as safer sex practices and contraception. I think this will only happen when we live in an environment that encourages open communication, mutual respect, and an understanding of the important role that sexuality plays in every person's life. I think that's what sexual freedom is, too. Perhaps autonomy means that technically, we all have a choice in what type of sexual life we engage, whereas freedom means that people in your life won't harass you for your choices... even if they might be the "wrong" choice. We can all screw up or bless our own lives equally!

I don't think any one moment in time created sexual freedom in my life. If I had to pinpoint a time when I became free, I would probably choose the day that I drove back to my hometown after leaving a religious training school a day's drive north of here. It wasn't any one sexual act, but it was the fact that I was disregarding other people's rules, and making them up for myself. Each day in the journey to sexual freedom, I loved myself and knew myself a little bit more. After years of suppressing and ignoring my sexual being, finally, enough was enough and I wanted to be in control. It wasn't just my sexuality that got freed up, it was the rest of me as well! I went back to college to get the degree I knew that I wanted (Women's Studies / Feminism), I took my stuff out of storage and found my own place to live, and about a year later, I met Dana. I wasn't expecting to like her as much as I did, but she pretty much blasted all of my "preconceived notions" out of the water. Our family histories are so similar, and we have made it our number one priority to talk about anything and everything as soon as it comes up, so that we don't hold onto confusion and anger. The best part is that it's not "too good to be true" - our relationship together has snags in all the right places, so that we build each other up instead of tearing down the one we love.

For the longest time we lived in a state of constant fear. "What if we break up?" and "If we're still together by that time, then we'll..." But that's no way to live. So for now, we're together indefinitely - which means that there is no end foreseeable... until further notice. And I'm very happy with that.

I know this post was meant to be about sexual freedom, but that is what being with Dana means to me. She means having all my sexual needs met, and being allowed to ask for what I want, and being allowed to spread my love around. Being with Dana means getting to explore new things, talking about our likes and dislikes openly and honestly. It means me being able to experience sacred sexuality gatherings, and to talk to her about my girl crushes (and precisely the same for her as well!)

It's good stuff, I tell you what. I found a letter last night that she wrote to me back in July. She said, "You are the perfect seasoning to my very hearty broth!" Now if that doesn't make you laugh freely then you need to get your heart checked.

Let's be free to be, you and me, shall we?

feminine = sexually available?

2009-01-09T12:32:00.003-05:00

Aggh. Disgusting! I was out looking for a rental house, as I am pretty much always doing these days, when two men in a city utility truck and asked if I were the owner of the house. Thank God I am not. I said, "No, I'm just checking it out as a rental, why?" They told me the city wanted to know something from the owner, but I didn't know obviously, so I just sort of looked at them. Then the guy in the passenger seat says, "Are you looking for a roommate?" Of course, I said, "No." The other guy thought I didn't hear, and repeated it, "He wants to know if you're looking for a roommate." At this point I'm getting in my car and saying rather loudly "No, thank you." As I closed the door I heard him say, "We could bring in a bunk bed!"

That is so sick. I've been listening to a lot of stories from my friends about the ways that men have treated them, and the part that's so enraging is that it's the women who are in therapy for the ways men have treated them, rather than the men seeking psychiatric help for the ways that they've behaved toward women. Because it's fucking normal for men to be nasty and violent. It makes me want to scream! Part of it probably has to do with my apparent heterosexuality (as a femme) that makes me seem sexually available to all men. Even if I were purely heterosexual that would NOT mean that I am always sexual available. I wish I could communicate in writing how angry I am that I can't go out in public alone without expecting to have to defend myself against these kinds of threats. It is absolutely sick.

A brief update

2009-01-02T02:37:00.003-05:00

My seasonal part time job wound up working me full time for nearly three weeks! Great for the money, but bad for writing and stuff. Sorry 'bout that. I gatta say, the after Christmas sales have been outrageous. I got a 5 foot Christmas tree for $17 so next year we will have a proper tree. This year Dana made a tree out of construction paper, beer caps, and little pompoms. It was darling, there are pictures, but it was not meant to weather the years unfortunately.

Monday afternoon we adopted a cat. His name is Jacques Cousteau. Don't blame me, Dana named him after our third favorite song, "Foux du Fa Fa". We had friends over for the last night of Hannukkah and as we sat on and politely requested noms, which we gladly provided to him. You should have heard the happy noise he made! It sounded like "yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!" Poor guy was so hungry. It took us awhile to figure out his sex, but after our friends left, I noticed his furry little balls, teehee!

I wanted to take him to the vet, and I was perfectly content to leave him outside until such time as I could take him to the vet. Dana used to be a pet bather, though, so she decided that we should take him right away. She brought him inside Monday afternoon, clipped his nails and gave him a bath. Later on we brought home a collar for him and flea treatment for all the animals. Tuesday I took him to the vet, who confirmed that he had no microchip and said, "I think he has adopted you!" And so he has.

It's hard to really name my Flight of the Conchords favorites, though. I mean. There's Business Time which has become an inside joke among all my beloved. And the first I ever heard was Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros ... totally hilarious. I'd say All the Ladies in the World is among the top five, as well... "lady many lady!" Speaking of beautiful girls, another fave is The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room... is that a compliment?? My personal all time favorite has got to be Inner City Pressure!

Mom came to visit for a couple of weeks, but it was a whirlwind trip for her because she was packing up my grandmother's house with her the whole time because she found a buyer. Owning two houses was too much for her (totally understandable, don't you think?) So she'll be getting a motorhome for my uncle's backyard for times when she is in this area, and she's going to be adding on to her mountain home. Grandma's a tough gal though, so they got everything finished! Dana got to meet my beloved dachshund, our childhood pet. A very sweet thing. And mom acknowledged to me that she knows I'm with Dana, and that I live with her and everything. She's not happy about it, but we've decided that if we keep everything on a very superficial level when it comes to Dana, that mom doesn't mind talking about her. She made the hominy casserole that I brought to Christmas dinner and everyone loved it - mom made a joke about D being able to cook better than I can and I can see that she's not going to spend her life crying over me. That's a good thing.

Grandma's giving us her kitchen table, a couch, and a chair - how awesome is that? We're getting ever so close to the end of Dana's lease and I'm a little nervous, but excited too. The homes in the area have decreased quite a bit in the last two months - I've found several 3BR homes renting for $800 monthly which is fantastic, so I'm hoping to snag one asap and get the hell outta this apartment complex, and out of apartment life... hopefully forever! Of course there are lots of costs involved and I'm not going to be working much... there's so much up in the air, it's crazy!

Sorry for the long rambling update. And the lack of sex. We've been so busy, tired, menstruating and having yeast infections from antibiotics because of swollen tonsils that we haven't had any wild and crazy sex. Except for that threesome... I've still forgotten to tell you about that! I'll save it for another night.

One final note, after grocery shopping, I made cream cheese cracker dip with pepper n onion relish, corn bread pudding, and an oatmeal pear crisp. Love it!

Goodnight darlings!

Reflections on Glory

2008-12-21T14:29:00.001-05:00

We discusses God's glory in church today. The speaker gave an account of a time when he was out on a dock that stretched far into a beautiful lake. Looking up, he saw the expanse of the sky bright with many stars, and fell into a great wonder. He was awed by the majesty of God's creation and told of how God's glory must be so much greater than that. He said that the hebrew word for glory was like the opposite of "making light of" - it is to recognize the emotional/spiritual weight of something. Of God.

The speaker's story reminded me of a night when I was out walking along the beach with my dear friend. The moon shone bright above us, and was reflected in the water just a few feet from where we walked. I realized that as far as we walked, the moon was still reflected right next to me. I called to my friend, a few steps away and said, "face the water, look down at your feet, what do you see?" she replied, "I see the moon!" and as I looked down, it was shining in front of my feet, too. In both places at once, the light shone for us. I could see how God used that reflection to reveal his character to me. Above, he shines for all to see, like the singular moon, he is a blessing to the world. But down here, at the personal level, God walks beside each one of us, lighting the way, bringing comfort and freedom.

Oh, come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Oh, bid our sad divisions cease,
And be yourself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!
(Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel)

An old Advent hymn calls for God to unite the world. Bind all hearts in one! Dissolve the things that divide us! Bring the kingdom of peace! This is my prayer for the new season our country has entered, and my prayer for the world.

And another song talks about being united in love, and about caring for those less fortunate. In this song "slave" simply refers to someone of a lower caste who lacks access to resources.

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
(Oh, Holy Night)

Let us remeber that we are all made of stars.

Writing for Femme's Guide

2008-12-15T04:16:00.003-05:00

For those of you who don't know, I have been contributing to The Femme's Guide to Absolutely Everything since September. I don't like to cross post, and I've done a poor job of letting you all know when I post over there. You can read all my posts here. In lieu of timely announcements, an overview of a few recent posts follows:

In "Thigh Chafing: You Don't Have to Grin and Bear It" I laid out an armory of weapons with which to combat inner thigh chafing. Not a fun thing, yet it's a rather frequent event in the warm Southern climate.

Money Matters I recommended a blog called femme economics at Queercents.com, which deals with creating and maintaining one's femme image on a budget.

I contemplated whether butches or femmes are the "stronger" of the two, in Who's the Strongest?, but I came to the conclusion that we face the world together, holding each other’s hand for confidence and balance.

In the first of two posts I made in preparation for my Queer Theory term paper on femm e and femininity, I chronicled some of the events that lead to The Origin of my Femme Identity. This post was followed by my most recent post, where I came up with four answers to the question, "How Does Femme Queer Femininity?".

One of my goals is to start doing product reviews on makeup items. I've recently been working with mark. makeup and I'm falling in love with their commitment to portable makeup and on-the-go application. I'll be writing that soon, work schedule permitting. I'm working 40 hours this week... haven't done that in months!

Another year, another banner - help!

2008-12-15T03:33:00.004-05:00

Last year, my dearly treasured Mr. Sexsmith created the lovely banner that you see here.

I have been rather pleased with it for the longest time, and it was one of my most special and unique gifts last December.

Since the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar came out, though, I have been struggling to prepare the new layout for my switcheroo over to wordpress.com because I do not know the interface over there very well, and also because the colors in the banner match my blogger theme and I can't figure out how to incorporate this theme into the available wordpress themes. Also, it has to be exactly 720 x 180 pixels, which is a different size than the current banner.

So, my darlings, wouldn't one of you love to craft a new banner for me? My new theme will likely be white, so any photo will do. You can see all of the photos I've posted here under label "shots".

I'll be ever so glad to send you something in return. My specialties lately have been beer bread and cookies of all sorts. Make your request, and you will find your mailbox filled with home baked goodies. If you're not the type to eat food from strangers, I'm sure we can work something else out :) I make handmade note cards from nature photos that I have taken, I could send you a ten pack with envelopes! See? The options are endless.

A post about last week's best threesome ever to come!

Prop 8: The Musical?

2008-12-03T19:21:00.002-05:00

I found this gem on Dark Musings

cooking love.

2008-11-29T02:28:00.003-05:00

You'll never believe what I found at 4 a.m. (after having shopped for three hours) at an outlet mall. A kitchenaid mixer for $160. Everywhere that I looked on the internet, it was way more expensive than that, plus shipping!! I just made more beer bread dough in the mixer tonight, and the loaves are cooking as we speak! I would truly love to be able to bake breads for a living. All kinds of breads! I am so in love with the kitchen right now. Our tiny kitchen, with cabinets that start a foot above our heads, with two drawers, and hardly any counter space. I am in love with making food come alive. I am enchanted by the way I can take many things and make something wonderful out of them!

The recipe I'm using is located here. It has a few unusual ingredients... mustard powder, powdered milk, and sesame seeds. You can buy sesame seeds at the grocery store, but I would go to a health food store or somewhere that sells them in bulk for cheap! I just substituted the mustard powder with a nice big glob of dijon mustard. We started drinking powdered milk because it's so damn cheap and if you keep it real cold in a container that closes you'll hardly notice the difference! Then again, we also drink soy milk and almond milk in addition to regular milk, so perhaps our variety of milk consumption also makes it easier to like something that a lot of people dislike. I swear of poor people who pay almost $4 a gallon for milk knew that you could get ten litres for $8, It would be flying off the shelves!

I did a booboo in my breads tonight, so they're not coming out quite right. When I was making the yeast mixture, I accidentally put the salt into it, instead of the bowl of dry stuff I was mixing up. Oops! I had to make another batch of yeast and soak it back into the sticky icky non-yeasty dough. They came out fantastic last time, I made six loaves (instead of two or four, like the recipe suggests) and Kay and Ash took a couple home with them and loved them! I have a lot of beer hanging around the house that I don't really drink much anymore and it seems like a good use of an used thing. I used a dark beer the first time and that seemed to work out a lot better, color wise. And besides, a thick, sweet, dark beer makes a good breakfast!

December Love

2008-11-24T20:35:00.002-05:00

So far I have only had two replies to my offer! Don't you remember that the season of festivals is upon us! The season of giving! I have already assembled treats for all two of my recipients... wouldn't you like to be next? I'm going to start sending out my December love on 12/10... It will be my pleasure!

E-mail and we'll exchange pleasantries so you'll know I'm a real person :)

<3

Pictures to distract you!

2008-11-24T20:18:00.004-05:00

Since I don't seem to have much of substance to say recently, due to the onslaught of feminist homework assignments (way harder than regular homework, I assure you), I give you two pictures.

Did you know she keeps my baby picture above her desk?

This is the two of us on the night that we had dinner with my late aunt's ex partner of 25 years.

Sugasmo! #152

2008-11-19T13:41:00.001-05:00

This Week’s Picks
Sugarbutch Star: Maze - The Girl in the Red Dress
“She’s the kind of girl who brings out the worst in me.”

treat or … fuck
“He looked like I had just given him a car for Christmas and he gently took my hand and led me upstairs. ”

A Life Exposed and Amplified
“We were breaking the rules and being dirty.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice
I told him I loved him. He gave me a pen.

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Break On Through
Eiffel Tower
Fast Jenny
A Few Orgasms Before Bed
Geisha
Goodbye, my Love
lustlustlust
Mexican Girlfriend
Mixing business and pleasure
Mistaken Identity
Unblemished

Sex Advice
How to Have Anal Sex with a Big Penis
Is Fantasizing Wrong?
Is Sex Without Oral a Dealbreaker? You Decide.
Lasting Longer in Bed

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Georgia Jones wants to go for a ride
HNT. Forest Nymph
HNT! (One more cherry, popped.)
Kamila - The Restoration
More from the knee socks series
PSA: Breast Cancer Awareness
Seductor

Sex Work
Dating Civilians 101

Sex News, Reviews, & Interviews
A New Twist on an Anal Sex Toy
On Tuesday, Vote for Equality

BDSM & Fetish
-3 Days
Bad Girl
The big dodge
Blind date: Impressions of a Dom
Dirty Boy
egg scissors
Do you want to cum? How bad?
Jake gets Punished in Spanking Movie
Kneeling In Style
Long Night in Thee Cow Shed
Marked: An Open Letter
Mistress by Proxy, part 2 : the slut
The New Bath Brush
Pimping him out
Pondering Piercings
Quickie

Sex Humour
Friday Poem: Achy Achy Cunt

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
HNT-Time
Hubby’s Halloween Hit. Confession #167
The Space Between
Two women, two stories

Update; sectional.

2008-11-16T01:39:00.005-05:00

I've sat down to write several posts recently. I was going to write another excerpt from John Poster's book "Meals for Males" and I got distracted looking at the funny French names he gave his pheasant recipes. Hi-larious.

I also wanted to write about our housing project: we found out Dana's lease is not up until 2/09 so we have a good four months until we move out of this 650 sq ft studio apartment. The house hunt will have to be postponed at least until the first of the year.

My new job started on Thursday. In two weeks I will work a whopping 17 hours - clearly this is not enough, but apparently all the other stores I applied to in our mall are competitors of this store. And the two that weren't sent me a thanks-but-no-thanks letter.

I'm totally jealous of everyone who was privileged enough to go to the NYC Sexbloggers' Calendar debut party. Debauchery was bound to "ensue" as they say. *sigh* Everything fun happens in New York!

My anxiety got the best of me - I am not one for protests because they tend to give me claustrophobia. I did not go, please forgive me. Instead I did my part to further the gay agenda by going to a pet adoption expo!

It is nearing the end of the semester and I will have my nose in actual books for about the next six weeks. One of my final papers is about the writings of Denise Chavez. The other paper will be an "autoethnography" where I talk about the effects of culture on myself as it relates to queer theory. I've chosen once again to talk about the femme identity. My professor wants me to answer the question, "how does femme queer femininity?" for indeed it does. I'm supposed to write about moments in my life that helped to shape my femme identity. I'll write about those scenes another time. I'm a bit behind in homework too, so expect to see and hear from me even less than you already do. I read everyone's writings, but I am just having so much trouble formulating my thoughts.

Next Wednesday I'm being inducted into my university's founding chapter of iota iota iota, which is an honor society for undergraduates focushttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifing in Women's Studies. The color is lavender - isn't that nice? It's named for Inana, Ishtar and Isis.

Dana's new job promised her 40 hours and has totally disregarded that commitment. Although she is getting the most hours out of everyone, she is still getting less than forty. She actually makes less at the new job than she did at the old horrible sucky job because she ended up working overtime before, whereas she is not allowed to now. Looking for new or second job now, as money is way, way tight. With a move on the horizon, we both need to bringing in as much moola as possible. Life is not propelled by my smiling face alone, but by the bank.

Should I or shouldn't I arrange play dates with a certain pair of beautiful people? yea or nay? It sounds like a good idea, I definitely could see it working out, but at the same time there are always risks, you know? I don't want to risk my beautiful partner in exchange for a fleeting thrill. But I also see the value in expanding one's personal horizons. If it happens, I think they're going to have to make the first move.

I'm now uninsured. Health is doing alright, but the main thing is eating right, eating small meals at frequent intervals, and taking meds on time. We purchased a bathroom scale the other day, which is a good measure of how my overall blood glucose is doing. Sugar goes up, weight goes up, and the opposite is also true.

Taking everything into consideration, however, I'm feeling absolutely fabulous. I am more and more in love with Dana. I feel more and more comfortable with our relationship. We talk about everything, we welcome change and progress, and we constantly reaffirm to each other our commitment to making things work. She sure means a whole lot to me.

Christmas Craft Time! Personalized Stockings

2008-11-09T23:10:00.006-05:00

The cat children's Christmas stockings.

Materials:
Felt Christmas Stocking - seen above, $1 at Big Lots or dollar store (or $1.50 at Wal*Mart)Make sure the stocking is not fuzzy anywhere, you're going to be stitching it!
Embroidery Floss - Costs less than $1!! (We used green)
Embroidery Fabric - Costs $4 ish, short names can double up on one bookmark. Ours has a green border.

Embroidery Needle - Costs under $1.50
Embroidery Alphabet Pattern - Free! Number Six and seven were nice, but any will do. Just google "Cross Stitch Alphabet Pattern".
Total Cost: about $8 for the first, $5 for each additional.

Instructions:
You know, now that I got to the instructions, I realized that I'm not sure how to instruct you in the cross stitching... You basically thread the needle, start the needle from the back and make little x's, following the pattern! Dana did the stitching on the bookmarks and trimmed them down. After she finished, I fastened the strip of fabric to the stocking by stitching a border through both the bookmark and through the white felt (the part that is folded down). I think it looks great! We're going to get stockings for ourselves as well! Don't tell - I already have something to put into hers! Teeheehee!

Hillsborough County Commissioner Kevin Beckner!

2008-11-06T18:53:00.006-05:00

The guy on the right is Kevin Beckner, an openly gay man who supports protection of people like me, and for people who are not like me at all. That's the kind of fella I'd like serving my county! He won on Tuesday!

Notice how prideful Brian Blair was throughout the whole interview, patronizing both the interviewer and Kevin Beckner. He's against a gay agenda, yet he has "dear friends" who are gay? He tries to prove how much he likes people of color by talking about how many of his friends are people of color - that really doesn't convince me. I want to see what you're doing for those people besides letting them sit next to you on the goddamn bus!

That's my schpiel. Thanks Tampa Bay for electing someone who actually believes in separation of church and state!

Election Day Blues

2008-11-06T18:01:00.004-05:00

Election Day was not a fantastic day for me, although it ended on a high note.

I woke up at 6:30 (after having lain in bed for some time, half awake) grinding my teeth with nerves. I simply could not sleep. I took the early morning hours to try out some biscuits. I substituted margarine for shortening, but they didn't turn out so great so I'll have to try them again with real shortening! I'm not a big fan of shortening though, because it's made of mostly hydrogenated oils - very bad for you! Made breakfast for Dana: bacon, eggs, grits and biscuits, which she appreciated very much.

After having called the realtor twice on Monday night, Tuesday I called him on the way to school. No response. I went to his office and he was not there, so his colleague called him. Twice, while I waited. Finally he calls back after having tried to contact him now five times, saying that the woman who was there right after us gave the deposit. Fuck.

But here's what happened Monday night, he arrived there, followed by a woman whom we took to be his wife or colleague, who was also looking around the house. As we left, the realtor said, "alright, I've got to get to another showing. goodnight" and he shooed us out the back door. Apparently that was the woman who took the house. He gave us no indication that anyone else was interested, and made it seem like he'd be glad to hear from me on Wednesday. Is that not sneaky and rude to you? It was to me, anyhow. We were disappointed that it took him five phone calls to inform us that the house was taken, after we had been up all night fretting about whether or not to take it. I do -not- make decisions on the first day, EVER. Last time I did that, I ended in the place we shall not name, where I lived before I moved in with my cousin Stefanie. Evil place.

Before I found out about the house, though, my mother called me to ask whether or not I had voted already. I told her I had voted ten days ago. I thought she was calling to tell me how proud she was that I was doing my civic duty, but instead she wanted to say, "I know you voted for Obama, and I'm disappointed because I don't think you're really looking at the big picture. You young voters are not taking some important issues into account . . . if Obama wins, things are going to be bad, really bad . . ."

I have not spoken to my mother since the election, I'm going to let her come to me first. I realize she's conservative, I realize that she was proud to have a female VP candidate, I just wish she knew that I could not let my fate rest in the hands of people who have called me and my tribe sinful. I could not let a man be president who insinuated that he would let the Iraq war go on forever. I definitely do not think that McCain/Palin would have been disastrous, although she feels apocalypse is coming because Obama won. Any person we put in that office is going to be under such great pressure because of their leadership position. Can even our dear Obama be trusted to do what is right for America? Only God knows. We entrust him now with this position of servitude, and we can pray for God to guide his steps.

On top of all that crap, Dana and I were snapping at each other, both being so nervous, and also both having our periods at the same time (which hardly ever happens, actually). And then we found out that proposed Amendment 2 was passed by 62.2% - two thirds of my state thinks I don't deserve to enter into any legal contract remotely resembling marriage with the person that I love. I don't get it. It needed 60% to be approved, and it barely surpassed that mark by 2.2%. Do I leave my beloved state, or do I stay to fight? I can't help but to feel like running away sometimes.

It was a long day, and my only worry is that gas prices will not shoot back up to 4 or 5 dollars any time soon. Lord hear our prayer!

curb your enthusiasm.

2008-10-30T01:52:00.004-04:00

I cannot believe you people are not as excited about my naked pictures as I am! Seriously! I have not posted sexy pictures in MONTHS and these are my first topless pictures, and aren't they fan-fucking-tabulous? Come on now. Get excited about nudity! Get excited about breast cancer awareness - it's a campaign to remind you to touch yourself, what's not to love about THAT? As a matter of fact, touch your friend's breasts, too. two hands are better than one, I always say. if one of you misses something, the other might find it!

I would also like to announce that I just had the best sex that I have ever had with dana, year to date. I have never ---evver--- been fucked so exquisitely. I was sitting at the edge of orgasm for like 20 minutes before I came crashing down. A. Ma. Zing. When we first started having sex, I was so pleased by her skill that I just wanted to share it with the world, "everyone should have sex this good!" But it was gotten so good that I'm getting to be a selfish bitch and keep her hot lovin' all to myself. Maybe not allll to myself, but I'm not sharing with just anyone if you know what I mean.

Who knew I deserved a girlfriend as great as this. We engaged a third finger for the first time ever, and it was absolutely glorious. Her tongue on my clit sets off the fireworks in my brain! The combination of the two is beyond compare, it sends me into total meltdown. No doubt about it, I am pretty damn lucky.

PSA: Breast Cancer Awareness

2008-10-28T23:47:00.003-04:00

Earlier this month I was tagged by Natt Nightly. I'm just going to repost what Natt said:

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and here’s an easy way to get involved:

The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on ‘donating a mammogram’ for free (pink window in the middle).

This doesn’t cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors /advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.

Here’s the web site! www.thebreastcancersite.com

Natt tagged sublimefemme, GR.E.G., Curvy Dee, and Sinclair. Have you all fulfilled your obligations? I'm re-tagging Sinclair and Essin' Em

Without further adieu, my Breast Cancer Awareness picture, taken this evening by the lovely Dana Herself, whom I dearly love.

And here's another, for good measure, and for my own vanity.

And here are the cat children.
Aurora on the left is the princess.
Dabu to the right is the troublemaker.

Early Voting

2008-10-26T21:04:00.003-04:00

Thursday I took Dana to school with me, and on the way home we detoured to the library closest to our home to take advantage of Florida's two full weeks of early voting. Two weeks! I say, if you've got the polling line blues, early voting is the way to go. I went early because I had the unfortunate experience of a panic attack on the way to the polls last time, fearing the lines and having trouble deciding (trouble deciding? I was in a much different place in life at that point, so yeah). I knew there would be a line, but it would be nothing like November 4. I didn't want a repeat of last time, and I was anxious to cast my vote for the democratic nominee, Senator Barack Obama.

I'm anxious to halt this dynasty of white moneyed bigots.

So! If you have the opportunity to early vote, please do! Before you go to the polls, check out all the candidates, especially the nonpartisan tickets and find out where they stand on issues that are important to you. Don't go into your booth empty handed! Have your sample ballot, have a piece of paper with your notes on it.

Vote for love and against hate in your state!

Sample Ballot, Check!

2008-10-22T14:09:00.003-04:00

I have just checked out all the candidates in my area and filled out the sample ballot that was sent to me by the supervisor of elections. Did you fill out yours? I'm going to check in with Dana and then we're going to go Early Vote tomorrow afternoon at a local library. It's just like regular voting, except you don't have to worry about getting an panic attack waiting in line at the polls on 11/4. Do it now, if you can!

Stopping the spread of hate...

2008-10-20T14:41:00.005-04:00

On October 20, 2008, eight influential lesbian bloggers will launch 8 Against 8, an eight-day collaborative online fundraising drive to defeat Proposition 8, a ballot initiative that seeks to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry in the State of California. See the project here.

The bloggers include Pam Spaulding of Pam's House Blend, Dorothy Snarker of Dorothy Surrenders, Grace Chu and Grace Rosen of Grace the Spot, Lori Hahn of Hahn at Home, Kelly Leszczynski of The Lesbian Lifestyle, Sinclair of Sugarbutch Chronicles, Riese of Marielyn Bernard, and Renee Gannon of Lesbiatopia.

The idea came about last Friday when Grace Chu of Grace the Spot logged onto Facebook and saw a few of her Facebook contacts openly campaigning for the passage of Proposition 8 via their status updates. “My initial reaction was to delete them from my Facebook contacts, because if you’re actively campaigning against my rights, you’re not my friend,” she said. “It totally ruined my morning.”

But instead of deleting her contacts, Chu decided to channel the power of the blogosphere to drive much-needed funds into the coffers of Equality California, the umbrella organization of the No on 8 campaign. Over the weekend, Chu assembled eight prominent lesbian bloggers to help get the word out and fundraise on behalf of Equality California’s No on 8 campaign. “Among the eight of us, we reach tens of thousands of eyes per day,” she said. “If we come together in a coordinated and unified effort, we could send a really powerful message, raise a ton of money, and make a real difference in the fight against Prop 8.”

Pam Spaulding of the highly influential and award-winning blog Pam's House Blend urges people to give to the No on Prop 8 campaign in the critical last days leading up to the election. Even if you have already given, it would greatly benefit the drive to defeat Prop 8 to give a little more. “We cannot allow an established civil right in the Golden State to be overturned at the ballot box. Every dollar you can give in these last in these last few days helps fight the dollars donated to enshrine discrimination into California's constitution,” said Spaulding.

Just last week, Equality California had released a bulletin that it was $10 million behind the opposition in fundraising. However, despite closing the gap this past week, there is still a ways to go. Furthermore, many current polls predict that Proposition 8 would pass if the election were held today. "There has never been a more important time for the queer community. This election will change our world for the better or put us back in the Dark Ages. It's not only critical we win for California, but for the rest of the country," said Sacramento resident Lori Hahn, owner of the popular lesbian family blog, Hahn at Home.

Like Sinclair said, In addition to California’s Proposition 8 on the ballot in just a few weeks, Florida has Amendment 2 and Arizona has Proposition 102, both of which would amend their state constitutions to define marriage as between one man and one woman - AND it would make all other unions equivalent to marriage null in the state of Florida (that means civil union, common law marriage, and even domestic partnerships!). Arkansas also has Act 1 on the ballot, which would forbid gay and lesbian parents - and any unmarried parents - from adopting children.

Florida is my home state and from what I have heard about the amendment, it seems like my fellow Floridians are going to pass it no questions asked because the wording is a little ambiguous. It goes like this:

"Inasmuch as marriage is the legal union of only one man and one woman as husband and wife, no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized."

Are you hearing what I'm hearing!!! This would mean that if you were married in another state or country, you could potentially be barred from seeing your beloved in the hospital! Think about this, people! It takes away health insurance rights from domestic partnership agreements which are ofttimes formed between elderly couples due to some other legal quagmire. Suze Orman, the First Lady of Finance has endorsed the Say No on 2 campaign, predicting financial disaster because of this amendment. See what one of my fellow Christians has to say about this.

December Giving

2008-10-17T14:40:00.002-04:00

It's that time of year, my friends! I will keep reminding you throughout the Fall season. As is my custom, when it is the season of giving, I do like to send small gifts and cards to those who are dear to me. If you read my ramblings, then I consider you very dear. It would be my pleasure to present you with some small treat! Please e-mail me with your complete mailing address, and indicate whether you will be glad to accept a card or a small gift. I am aware that receiving a gift may make some of you uncomfortable, so feel very very free to welcome a card only. If you'd like my return address, I'll be quite please to give it. After all, we are all real people, even though we have our blog faces on most of the time. So please, allow me the joy of thinking up some fancy treat for you!

14 unusual facts

2008-10-17T14:23:00.003-04:00

I've been tagged twice, both by Natt Nightly and by Green-Eyed Girl for a bit of a survey - 7 unusual facts about myself. Since I've been tagged twice, I'll just go ahead and give you 14. I don't play by the rules, so if you want to do this, go ahead and do it. I tag anyone who wants to be tagged. Here we go:

1. The first chapter book I ever read was Heidi. Unabridged. In the first grade.

2. There is a picture of me above Dana's desk. She put it there. In the picture I am 2 years old, wearing a pink frilly dress and grinning from ear to ear.

3. When our cats try to get into my big wardrobe we say "look, Dabu's trying to get to Narnia!"

4. I have a laundry basket full of shoes, but I mostly wear an old brown pair of reef's.

5. I alphabetize or categorize every shelf on my bookcase.

6. I have never written a paper for college more than a week in advance. I have never turned in a rough draft. I have never not stayed up the night before it was due writing it.

7. I gave away my television to Amber and Sol earlier this year. Glad to be rid of it.

8. Even though I played violin for 13 years, and I have two of them, I rarely play anymore.

9. My mother makes the best kahlua - the funny thing is that it's made with instant coffee! yuck!

10. When I bowl, the palm of my hand faces down as I roll the ball.

11. It's official, I've moved three times in 2008. This is the last time, I swear.

12. In high school I stopped shaving for several months and ranted to anyone who would listen about why women's bodies should just be the way God intended them to be. Everyone thought I was nuts.

13. Dad used to read The Hobbit to me and my brother. We would sit on the arm rests of this big reclining chair and he would mispronounce words to see if we were listening.

14. I don't wear bras. Only tanks with shelf-bras in them. So much more comfortable, easy to take off, and I never have to worry about my bra straps showing!

There you have 14 facts about me.

Tag, you're it!

New Horizons

2008-10-14T21:22:00.003-04:00

I took a really big step toward wellness today by quitting my job. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to look for a job, but the benefits are outweighing the consequences at this point.

You see, since I took the position with this company, my daily medication count went from two (allergies and birth control), to seven. I won't bore you with the list, but it is absolutely maddening.

In April of this year I found out that I am diabetic. I knew it was coming and I couldn't stop the process. I worked really late at night, even into the wee hours, and when I came home from work, I would be so tired that all I could think about doing was eating a package of ramen, or a past and sauce and then going to bed. That was a recipe for disaster. Not only that, but the fact that when you are pre-diabetic, or insulin resistant, your body requires frequent small meals to keep sugar and insulin levels steady. Add to that all the fast food (read: chick-fil-a, nature's table, etc.) that I ate because I did not make the time to prepare my meals, nor did I have the time to get a healthy sit-down dinner on a half hour break. Not possible. So! All the rushed eating, and then sitting down for hours and hours a day with a direct requirement -not- to walk around... I think this also could have caused the Acid Reflux disease.

The sedentary nature of a call center job, coupled with the high stress levels is a deadly mixture. High levels of stress raises both insulin levels and cortisol, both of which are chemicals that cause your body to store fat. So, stress makes you fat and then fat stores estrogen (exacerbating my PCOS) and also makes it harder to control blood sugar (hence causing my insulin resistance to be pushed over the edge to full on diabetes).

Do you see where I'm going with this? The list of cons is so long. For serious. This afternoon I've been dealing with some anxiety issues, some second thoughts:

Did I speak to soon? Should I have taken the LOA they offered?
Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
Couldn't I have waited to quit until I got another job?
Should I have put my big girl panties on and sucked it up for another two weeks just so I could be considered "rehirable?"

I think the answer to all of these questions is "no" but they are definitely important things to consider. The fact that not wanting to come to work has kept me up all night worrying, and that I've awoken with tears for the same reason tells me that it's time to move on. I have enough savings to get me through a couple months actually, so if I just need to go on furlough, I'll do it. I'm going to take the next few days to decide that.

when it rains, it pours.

2008-10-11T02:20:00.004-04:00

I'm having a hard time you guys.

10/10 is when my dad died, to start things off.

on top of that, work had a "clarifying conversation" with me tonight, which is the first step in a very long process that culminates in getting fired if you don't get the hint to resign quick enough. It's because my job is collections, and I don't like taking money from poor people even when they signed up to be robbed anyway.

worried about my mom's job sitch, too.

And I had an appointment with the my PCP and all seemed fine until labwork came back saying that my Hemoglobin A1c was higher than it was when they started treatment for diabetes. normal range is like under "5" and mine went from 6.5 to 7.5 in the past six months. It was definitely not a drastic change, nor was it over a short period of time, but a lab nurse called the next day and was trying to force me into taking another medicine. I wanted to know what it was for, I wanted to know why the doctor picked that medicine over another medicine, and I wanted to know for chrissakes why I'm 24 years old with relative good health and taking 7 pills a day. The number keeps rising every 2 months and I swear to the gods it has to STOP somewhere. It has to.

On top of my health, Dana's has several pretty worrisome health concerns that are too private to talk about in this space. And there's nothing I can do to help, so I just have to be as supportive as I can and try not to let it all overwhelm me.

I'm probably not doing so great emotionally at the moment because this is day 2 back on my birth control pills which is to regulate my period. I have polycystic ovary syndrome according to the doctors who could find no cysts (yet a disease involving cysts was their diagnosis as to why I don't get a period unless it's pharmaceutically induced?). SO starting a new pill pack after having been off it since June due to a screw up at the pharmacy after my annual checkup. Not fun.

Add to all this the school work I'm supposed to be doing. And the guilt I feel over the fact that half of my medical problems are actually preventable with appropriate diet and exercise. I feel like my collections job is actually causing my health to decline. Stress levels raise insulin and cortisol and all that stuff, causing me to gain wait, and then my PCOS gets bad... It's all interrelated and I feel like I have no control over it even though it's technically controllable without the use of drugs.

And what do I do about my job? I hate my job and I think this conversation with my boss tonight was basically the universe saying "HEY! Quit whining and go find a new job!" The trouble is that it is not so easy.

Dear the Universe,
I am in very dire need of an emotionally fulfilling job that gives me flexible hours, supports my school schedule, pays my bills, and makes me feel like I am making a difference in the world. I would prefer it to have nothing to do with sales or collections - other people's money is really not my thing. Please also include health benefits and pto.

Thanks,

Miss A.

one in a million.

2008-10-08T01:11:00.002-04:00

I miss my mother. She lost her job a few weeks ago due to her department being integrated into another larger department at the hospital. She was fired unjustly because whoever was in charge neglected to properly equip her department for the job they were being asked to do. Basically, one of the computer programs that is necessary for her job required a password. They were never allowed to have the password so when they had to use this particular program, they had to walk across the parking lot to an entirely different building to use a computer there, and then walk back to their own office to complete the task. They said she was not fast enough a the job.

Another name on my hit list, seriously. Because you don't mess with mama. These idiots don't realize that every last one of my mother's previous employers have begged her to stay. They would fire whoever replaced her just so they could have her back. You don't fire my mother for what you deem "poor performance" when you have not provided her with such a simple thing as a password to the software that is required for her job.

I guess she's appealing the wording of the termination letter. Honestly. For a woman of her age, getting fired makes it doubly hard to find a job that pays the bills, couldn't they have simply called it a lay-off? I swear, my mother left Florida because of the hustle and bustle and all the rude drivers and nasty waitstaff, but I've never heard of such utter disrespect, and absolute bullshit business practices! I told her to bring her situation to the attention of some kind of city or county representative in case something could be done.

You don't fucking fire my mother.

Sent her lavender roses with purple alstromeria today to cheer her.

Manly Meals for Males

2008-10-04T14:44:00.004-04:00

Since I can't seem to do "Meals for Males" on a weekly basis, I'm changing the name to "Manly Meals for Males" so that I will not feel guilty for not posting. Without further adieu, Chapter One: Manna for the Meat and Potatoes Man

In an age where gourmet cookery has become popular, and dishes from the French cuisine classique are no longer reserved for the nobility and the wealthy, the male trencherman commonly referred to as the "meat and potatoes man" seems to have fallen into disrepute.

Not so. The meat and potatoes man has simply moved uptown... While copious amounts of protein and carbohydrates continue to make up the nucleus of his diet, a new dimension has been added. Zesty seasonings, tangy sauces, piquant flavorings and tantalizing food combinations formerly savored only occasionally when eating out are now becoming very much a part of eating in.

Something else has changed, too. There was a time when the ravenous male frequently had to make a choice between quantity and quality. Now, he wants both... At a typical businessMAN's dinner in almost any large American city, this would be an acceptable meal [steak, potatoes, and a salad].

The recipes that follow in this chapter have all been carefully chosen and tested on discriminating meat and potatoes men. They are basically simple in construction, substantial in volume, and stimulating to the taste. In short, these dishes positively will stanch those persistent nagging hunger pangs which characterize a voracious male appetite.

Since a well-fed man makes good company, it is earnestly hoped that the effort involved will yield handsome dividends.

Carrots Flambe
1.5 lbs baby carrots
pinch salt (for boiling)
1/3 c bourbon
1 tbs brown sugar
4 tbs sweet butter
1/2 tsp lemon juice
1 tbs parsley, finely chopped

Simmer carrots until tender. Place carrots in a skillet with butter, lemon juice and brown sugar and saute until the sugar is dissolved. pour in bourbon, allow it to warm, ignite and blaze, stirring until all alcohol has burned off. Sprinkle parsley over carrots and serve immediately. 4 Servings.

Carrots can be served with Braised Loin of Pork and Potatoes Grand Marnier

writing for pleasure

2008-10-04T14:36:00.002-04:00

So, about this time last year, I sat down with my poems and decided to finish my chapbook by the end of 2007. Obviously that didn't happen. I mean. I have several poems that I feel are complete, and I have a general idea of the layout, but I just haven't been able to piece together this work. Then there's the problem of what to do with the naughty poems. I can't very well publish those poems in my real name! And yet I want to be able to share my writing with the people I grew up loving. I also have hardly written in my paper journal since July, and I'm sure you've all noticed the lack of posts here, as well. I'm supposed to write four times a month on The Femme's Guide to Absolutely Everything. I have only managed to post three times (although I do have a post in the works).

I have to write. I have to. I mean, I'm writing for my classes and all. But I am not writing for pleasure, and that is insufferable. So. Will you all cheer me on to begin writing again, perhaps to complete my chapbook ten years in the making? I need to speak, and I need to speak aloud.

thrifting

2008-10-04T00:21:00.005-04:00

I forgot that on Saturday Dana and I went thrifting and had some pretty damn good luck. Store number one didn't have much, but there were a couple of books, and a copy of The Secret Garden on VHS. I have to say, I'm starting to get a little nostalgic for tapes, because you can get used movies for so cheap at thrift stores, and they have been in pretty fair condition so far. We really bonded over the movie last night. I really love Mary Lennox's transformation from an angry, fearful girl into a warm and smiling young woman. I laugh at how she ruffles Mrs. Medlock's feathers, and storms into Colin's room calling him selfish! She herself enters the story behaving very selfishly, but finally she learns that she doesn't have to be afraid of being abandoned anymore, and learns to freely love herself and others. I was inspired by the incredibly good acting of the children in this movie and the directing is fantastic, having been made by one of Francis Ford Coppola's companies.

We also located a copy of Mr. Edward Greenblatt's "Suddenly Single: A Survival Kit for the Single Man" which includes 30 simple recipes (enough for one month!) and 50 kids activities (for your kids when they are in your custody, or perhaps for the children of people you date?). That will probably be my next book review.

The treat of the next store was a cache of old lesbian music tapes! Here's the list

Melissa Etheridge
Melissa Etheridge
Yes I Am
Brave and Crazy
your little secret

k.d. lang
Angel With a Lariat
all you can eat

Sheryl Crow's title album (not lesbian, just 90's!)

and, tadaha pure moods II

Our final stop lead to a deposit of the contents of my trunk (which have been awaiting the goodwill donation center for many moons) and the purchase of a bookshelf, a tea pot and tea kettle, and some fancy plates (which I looked up online and they are in fact very good fakes). *Squee!*

Get a gender!!

2008-09-30T01:26:00.004-04:00

I realize that I've missed Monday, and thus "Monday" Meals for Males. I'm sorry. I'll try to do it tomorrow! Right now I would like to tell you about this young person that we saw skateboarding on Sunday. We went to Denny's for breakfast on Sunday afternoon (it's actually a very good restaurant, as far as breakfast goes, but only this particular location). As we were driving through the parking lot, we saw a group of what we assumed to be young men. Teenage boys. As is customary of white teenagers in this moment, they all had long hair, tight jeans, and black band t-shirts. We have been talking about gender, and how to be a "good enough" man or woman (or whatever) and I am totally supportive of whatever gender you choose. Dana mused, "is that a boy or a girl!" and I was like, "clearly, it's a boy" although I was not sure which one she was pointing to because they were all mildly ambiguous. After lunch we went around the back roads on the way to the bank and we encountered the same young person that Dana had pointed out. I instantly recognized why she was so confused about what gender the person was. He was wearing a rainbow headband and had shoulder-length, flat-ironed, crazy wild dyed-black hair. In jest, I couldn't help but exclaim "get a gender!" -- not to him, just in the car. The young person was probably male, and was probably performing his gender in was that are appropriate to his peers. I feel old.

Monday Meals for Males #1

2008-09-24T00:45:00.003-04:00

I think I'm crazy! My favorite hobby is to nitpick old cookbooks for their sexist sentiments, and make fun of the weird food! I swear I am so weird.

Today I'll be debuting yet another out of print book that I'll be excerpting (it will be on Mondays, I'm late this week). It's called Meals for Males. I couldn't find a good link for it, sorry. I found it at a used bookstore we have around town for $8, which sounds like I got ripped off considering that I saw one copy for $.40 on Amazon. If you're a cookbook geek like Dana and like me, $5 will surely tickle your fetish. Not that I'm suggesting you buy a sexist text, but the original author isn't making any money off of it, so why the heck not?

About John J. Poister
John Poister began his writing career as a war correspondent for Stars and Stripes in Shanghai, China. Since that time he's tackled virtually every kind of writing. His 1965 documentary "Change for the Better" won the best documentary motion picture of the year award at the International Film and TV Festival of New York. Meals for Males is his second book. His first, The Pyromaniac's Cookbook" received wide critical praise as the first comprehensive book on flambé cuisine ever published in America.

Some credentials eh!

intro/duction
In the introduction he says, "This is as book for men with heart appetites - and women who love to satisfy them." He's trying to be inclusive rather than exclusive, can't you see? He continues: "This is a book for everyone who likes to cook and all who believe that good food and drink are an important part of the total enjoyment of life." Count me in!

This book contains no chapter on desserts because rich, heavy, calorie-packed dishes at the end of a substantial meal are less in demand by weight-conscious, on-the-move men and women. Accordingly, this space has been given over to other areas of rapidly growing interest and popularity, such as outdoor cooking. Hors d'oeuvres come at the end of this book, where they are utilized within the context of a social situation calling for light fare.

This social situation he's referring to is a date! Chapter 8 is: Of Succulence and Seduction: Carefully chosen food and drink for an evening for two designed to fortify love's alchemy whilst assiduously avoiding gluttony and inebriation; complete with many foolproof recipes and tested elixirs, some of which are reputed to possess aphrodisiacal powers."

It gets even better! He describes Chapter 7, "Drinks for Wine Lovers" this way:
The rather long sections on mixed drinks may seem disproportionate compared to those in traditional cookbooks. But since this is a book dealing with food and drink having a special appeal for men, and since men are usually responsible for drink preparation in the home, it is entirely appropriate that this branch of culinary arts be treated importantly. There is also a chapter on mixed drinks using wine as a basic ingredient. This reflects the increasingly widespread use of wines in the home.

Finally, John's goal is to make every man a gastronaut. That's right ladies, gentlemen, and gentlequeers.

gas-tro-naut; n: 1: a person who explores, investigates, or experiments with all aspects of good eating, esp new kinds of edibles or cooking methods.

No lie. This is one the very first page, before the copyright page.

If you missed Sunday Single Girl's Guide to Entertaining by Dixie Dean Trainer, you should go back and read them they're hilarious!

I leave you with the "Poisterizer" - YES it's named after the author:

1 oz orange juice
1 oz pineapple juice
1 oz coconut milk
2.5 oz Barbados rum
Shake with ice, pour into a collins glass, fill with lemon lime soda and float half oz Demerara rum on top.

fingers, ugh.

2008-09-22T03:23:00.002-04:00

Dana cut her right index finger. Sad! And it's her good hand, too! There was an accident with the meat slicer at work, and the first thing I asked when I got there to drive her to the walk in clinic was, "did you cut it off or just cut it? She assured me that it was just a flap. I won't lie, it's a pretty bad cut that required four stitches and a tetanus shot, but luckily her uninsured self is indeed insured by worker's compensation law. thank god. the doctor who stitched her up could have been queer, but there wasn't any hard evidence. thankfully everything was free, including the script for pain meds -- which means... We got free darvocet! Hah! Not that I would ever break the law and take someone else's prescription. *wink*

We went to see the local vaudeville/burlesque show Saturday night, which was pretty great. It was a little too zombie-centric and I'm really not into the living dead so I was disappointed by that. But there were lots of cute girls in bras and underwear and lots and lots of lesbians. woo! I should say, though, the drinks at this particular club are awful. If you're not getting a shot or a beer, don't even waste your money. Worst cosmopolitan I've ever had, with the exception of the one time the old man behind the bar though a cosmopolitan was vodka and grenadine. Nope! Try again.

There was even one who was about the size, shape and age of Crave and it made me miss her a little bit. I'm ever so fond of her girl-boyness. Crave and I are spirits that speaks the same language, sometimes we chance to meet in a forest clearing where the sun shines down and we share precious few words together. I don't think even we know why or by what means we are so drawn to each other. Strangers.

It was nice to have a date with Dana, to be out and about in public. In the morning I have sooo much homework to do, and I am not looking forward to it. Whoever decided that college should be so much work? Am I just a slacker? I mean. I only work 35 hours a week, but I still feel overwhelmed by all the homework. Blegh. Of course it is women's studies - notorious for tons and tons of mostly redundant, although very interesting, articles and books. We shall see.

Miss you all dearly! Love and kissies!

stressed. overstressed.

2008-09-19T14:00:00.004-04:00

i should tell you quickly, before I rush off to work that Dana has a friend working as a technical writer / editor for a company in a neighboring metropolis and she submitted her application today since the company is looking to hire someone entry level - within ten years all of the other writers will have retired!

i was up all night wednesday night fretting over how much a hate my job. that is usually a sign that it's time to quit and go somewhere else, but at this point money has a choke hold on me. i'm good at my job, i'm a fantastic worker, but i'm missing out on my college experience, and i'm pimping out my emotions for this call center job. i feel like i'm doling out my sympathies in return for money. I'm drained.

so i called out yesterday and submitted about 15 applications online. by the way, Monster.com is full of pure bologna. I had much better luck with the other sites.

i took Dana to school with me yesterday and we put up fliers about the ex girlfriend's motorcycle which she dumped on us three months ago. we want it out of our lives now, do you hear me universe??

and i want an emotionally fulfilling job that meets me needs, dammit!

best wishes to y'all. regularly scheduled smut, gender commentary and cultural critiques will resume soon. when? I'm not exactly sure.

Pax

2008-09-11T09:44:00.004-04:00

Peace
Shalom
Paz
Shanti
Amani
Paix
Baris
Selaam
Rongo
Pace
Malu
Solh
Paco
Mir
Pau

(today, in memoriam)

busy bees

2008-09-09T23:57:00.006-04:00

I have to say, and I hate to say, writing here has become somewhat of a chore. It does not flow easily as it used to. I forget the things that I meant to tell you about, and I groan to think of how many days it has been since my last post of substance. I don't even count hits anymore, I can hardly find time to read and respond to the legion butch/femme and sexuality writers out there. And let me tell you, they are legion. The number of people I read now, vs. whom I read a year ago has probably doubled if not tripled. I can't keep up with all your fantastic theory, self revelation and revelry, and even the reality checks that bring things into focus.

I'm not saying I'm going to stop writing altogether, because I'm sure once I get back in the groove of things, I'll be scribbling off notes to myself left and right. I've been very pleased to delve into Queer Theory: An Introduction and American Queer, Now and Then and Gendering Bodies.

If you're looking for great writing about gender troubles or the thin lines between butch and trans, definitely look for writings by the distinguished sociology and feminist professor Dr. Sara Crawley. Ze has several rather engaging publications in print right now, one of which I used for the paper I gave on Femme legitimacy in the queer community. Read "Prioritizing Audiences: Exploring the Differences Between Stone Butch and Transgender Selves". It'll rock your transmasculine world.

Since I have reported myself as somewhat of a sexblog, but more of a life/queerness/women's issues blog lately... I should tell you that the sex is um... infrequent but very, very good. You know it's good when it lasts you a few days. When it's really good, we've found each other saying, "last night was so nice!" I get little text messages saying, "I can't stop thinking about how good you made me feel!" Right now our love is not that voracious, raging, new love. It has simmered and sizzled into a satisfying, comfortable, snuggle-me-at-night love, we are not tragic, we are not heroic, we are not married, she is not my wife. But we coexist so peacefully, she and I.

So many months of begging the universe to bring me someone good for me and here she is. It's not all peaches and cream (oooh... peaches and cream!) -- close -- but it is steady and calm.

I found myself missing the sacred circle of the Body Electric School the other day. Sunday. I had not felt that void in some time, but it was there. A womyn-only-space shaped hole in my heart. Naked singing and dancing hole. A gap the shape of pushing boundaries. A comfortable velvet cloak, that void. I used to talk about the void in Mexico and Cuba...

hay un vacio en el corazon. todas tienen este vacio... y atemptamos llenarlo con cosas varias pero... pero solamente Dios puede llenarlo.

I used to say that only God could fill the void. Now, I think what fills that void is self love. Remember, I used to preach Jesus... but the word "Jesus" came out sound like "love thyself!"

Do it people. Love yourselves. Please do it. It is so very, so very important to me.

I am a lover-healer...
I am a lover-healer...

not indeed

2008-09-07T14:44:00.002-04:00

Ah! I was thinking of the wrong person! It wasn't Audre Lorde, it was bell hooks rather...

I wonder how I got that mixed up!

as butch as a hunk of machinery!

2008-09-06T02:11:00.004-04:00

I just finished watching "Before Stonewall" on netflix (you can watch it streaming online if you have a subscription at any level) and I do believe that I met myself in 50 years. "Lisa Ben" or Edith Eyde. My hero. She sings with a spanish guitar, and parodied this song

The Girl That I Marry
The girl that I marry will have to be
as soft and as pink as a nursery.
The girl that I call my own
will wear satins and laces and smell of cologne.
Her nails will be polished and in her hair
she'll wear a gardenia and I'll be there
'Stead of flittin' I'll be sittin' next to her
and she'll purr like a kitten.
A doll I can carry the girl that I marry must be.

But instead -- and I must tell you that I stopped the movie and went back so I could write it down -- she sang:

The Girl That I Marry
The girl that I marry will probably be
as butch as a hunk of machinery.
The girl I idolize ... will wear slacks with flat fronts*,
tailored shirts and bow ties
She'll walk with a swagger and wear short hair
And keep me entranced with her tomboy air
Instead of cruisin I'll be using
Her shoulder to lean on while snoozin
A faint hearted fairy, the girl I marry won't be!

clearly, an ode to butches. do you see how she's my hero? dana watched her singing so sweetly and said, "honey it's you!" we had a good laugh about it.

*flat fronts? I'm not sure about that, I had some trouble discernign that line.

Apparently I'm also channeling bell hooks because as I was introducing myself to my class (Literature by Women of Color in the Diaspora), my professor - the distinguished Dr. Gary Lemons, author of "Black. Male. Outsider" - said that as he was watching me speak, watching this white woman speak, he felt as though he was listening to bell hooks. She was actually his dissertation adviser as a Ph.D. student at (i think) NYU.

[edit] Originally I had written that it was ms Audre Lorde, but HussyRed is right in the comments, I had forgotten she passed away when I was just a wee lass. bell hooks will be visiting, though, and I'll be interested to see the comparison.

guess what!

2008-09-04T23:59:00.003-04:00

I ______________________________, certify that I, and ______________________________ became domestic partners on ______________, and we:

1. have an intimate, committed relationship of mutual caring, and
2. currently share the same regular and permanent residence, and
3. are jointly responsible for "basic living expenses, as defined below, and
4. are not legally married, and
5. are each eighteen (18) years of age or older, and
6. are not related by blood closer than would bar marriage in the state of residence, and
7. were mentally competent to consent to contract when our domestic partnership began, and
8. are each other's sole domestic partner and are responsible for each other's common welfare and intend to remain so indefinitely.

"Basic living expenses" means the cost of basic food, shelter and any other expenses of a Domestic Partner which are paid at least in part by a program or benefit for which the partner qualified because of the Domestic Partnership. The individuals need not contribute equally or jointly to the cost of these expenses as long as they agree that both are responsible for the cost.

ya know, honestly i think that this is the only type of union that is appropriate for me. or for anyone else, but i'll make the rest of y'all make that decision. the only stipulation that it makes is that i can't have another domestic partnership until six months after the last one ended. that's reasonable. that's a measure of personal responsibility. if you're hopping from partner to partner, getting benefits for all, you're causing beaurocratic paperwork (wastin' trees!) and kinda cheating the system and cheating yourself. anyway. i think it's pretty legit now, folks. we do share bills, groceries, living space and mutual caring - if i meet all the requirements, why not do it? oh, one final note:

indefinite: without limit; forever, or until further notice; not definite; vague or unclear; undecided or uncertain.

new job, hooray!

2008-09-04T23:46:00.002-04:00

Dana got a new job! A new restaurant is opening up in town, and my beautiful, handsome Dana will be their salad chef! She had a shining interview and they loved her - she'll start at the end of the month. It's a little more money and a lot more respect, with the option to move up to higher paying positions, and the opportunity to set the precendent - not only because salad is the first course of the meals, but also because she'll be the first salad chef to ever work in that restaurant. I'm ever so pleased and proud of her, considering yesterday's unfortunate setback.

empleyo

2008-09-03T12:13:00.003-04:00

I have a question for all of you, and this is a serious question which I hope that you will all spend some personal time thinking about, and that you'll come up with a serious answer.

What do you do with a BA in English?

No, seriously. Because there are a lot of things you can with that degree in general, but specifically, what exactly do you do? Pair that with an AS in Culinary Arts and you've got a high quality candidate right? Second question:

How did you get your job?

Because if you can get a job, no offense, but my Dana here should be able to get one too. Do you think it's because employers are reluctant to hire a masculine female? I don't like to think that was the case in some of these lost opportunities, but it does seem likely.

Some of it is this catch 22, where you can't get a job without experience, but you can't gain experience without a job. You know you have the skills but no employer's just going to take your word for it, they want proof, you know?

I got my first job in good faith, the guy hired me because I took photography, I knew cyan yellow and magenta, I could do basic math, and I had a good eye for color balance. I worked at that job for a year and a half until my personal life, and the store volume were not compatible anymore.

I got my current job with no phone experience, but now I'm pretty much a pro. Maybe that's why I don't want to work there anymore - I've mastered the menial task of "how are you today?" "how would you like to pay?" "Sure i'll set up a payment arrangement" "can i have your routing and account number?" Every call is exactly the same customer, every call is the same scenario. It's just hard because I'm a naturally compassionate person so when they say I have to sound concerned about the customer's situations, the only way for me to "sound" that way is to actually be concerned. I end up draining myself of all my love and care on people who will not, cannot reciprocate, and just want my sympathies so I'll give them what they want.

I digress. Any help out there? Anything? Ideas, comments, profanity?

Ramazan

2008-08-31T22:42:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow I'll begin celebrating the fasting/feasting month of Ramadan, where millions of people all over the world will not drink alcohol, not have sex, and not eat, drink, or smoke unless it the sun is down. I am not Muslim, but my trip to Turkey in 2006 was timed around Ramazan (the Turkish spelling) and I enjoyed every minute of it. I get out of fasting because of my health concerns, but I will be pleased to practice some self-discovery, some times of prayer and meditation, and some times of reconciling myself with past actions I may regret. Some people call it repentance, but I don't think it has to be all that formal. Ramazan is just a time to get right with yourself, to give to charities that you value, to spend time with people you love, and to be conscious of your spiritual being. It's more than that, but that's what it is to me.

My favorite thing will be ezo gelin corbasi and iskender kebap.

I've been thinking about covering me hair, too.

It wouldn't be the first time that I've worn a hair/head covering. In 2005, as I was preparing to leave for missionary discipleship school, I spent two weeks with my head covered any time I left the house, or if I was in the company of women. I did this as a personal exercise of solidarity with women who are not allowed to show their hair. I may not do it for thirty days, I may not do it every day, but I in a way, it does make me so much more conscious of myself in my environments.

In other news, I'm not getting a new job, I'm not moving to New York, yet. I am seriously thinking about applying to grad school to get my Master's of Information and Library Science. Whattya think? Sexy librarian? Dana and I are thinking about renting a house in the Gayborhood here. Something with a yard and a tire swing and a vegetable garden. I'd like a spare bedroom which we could transform into a library/office. Or - a spare room for sexy time with anyone!

Ask me anything. As me a question. Say anything you'd like, and I'll do my best to answer truthfully. I'm an open book.

injury

2008-08-26T23:07:00.002-04:00

I busted my knee on Saturday on my way to the party, it was pretty awful! I slipped in a parking lot because the asphalt was wet, and it was a parking lot so there was motor oil too. Water and oil don't mix, so down I went. I should post pictures. Eww.

Also, read my piece about inner thigh chafing at Femmes Guide to Absolutely Everything!

lady luck

2008-08-25T12:52:00.004-04:00

she's a slender girl
bookish and unusual,
but charming, so charming
i don't think she even
knows how truly lovely
truly truly lovely she is
not just a body, a girl
she's a strong mind, too.

get free, get free of it.

2008-08-24T04:10:00.003-04:00

had a lovely and debauchery filled birthday party for my favorite married couple tonight. It culminated in a topless dance party in the kitchen. I had a blast the whole time, but I left feeling very very low. Maybe I exhausted my supply of serotonin, maybe it is very late at night, but for whatever reason I started feeling like I was out of place the whole time and maybe I didn't know it. I didn't want to go home, I wasn't ready to leave, but by the time we left, I think it had been overdue. I have a very weak sense of boundaries and so I easily end up overstepping them with no intention of harm. I should work on that.

Sista girl needs to get free of the shame, body shame. Shape shame. This sweet sweet lady needs to know how truly valuable she is. That is the thing I hate the most, when people have poor body image and can't murder the shame. Murder it, take out back and kill your "super" - whatever that is. "super mom" "super girlfriend" "super boy" to the rescue - kill them. Because no one should have to live up to standards that other people set for them. Get free, girl, dance for your freedom. Everyone's cheering you on except for yourself.

[Edit 11:27 a.m.] My dear girlfriend explained to me that the reason I probably felt so out of place could have been because I tried the Pot for the first time. I didn't think I had had enough for it to do anything, but with the way my mood crashed, I am willing to think that is what happened. I have not had that much fun in a really long time. Wow.

last, first

2008-08-22T12:02:00.002-04:00

Tonight is my very last night working until midnight. As long as I have the choice, I will never again work any later than 10:30. My new schedule is daily 3p-10:30p with school on T/R 11a-2p.

That is, of course, if I stay with my current employer. I had an "interview" last night with a potential employer, for which I called out sick from work. It was a 20 minute speech about what the job entails. Let me tell you something, that is absolutely completely disrespectful of my time that I had to call out of work to attend this little meeting under the guise of "interview". I don't do disrespect. And I'm not sure I really like the man I'll be working for. He's twice my size and I get the feeling he'll be full of negative criticism. I work best with lots of positive reinforcement. Also, competition is a major demotivator for me - this guy's big on competition.

The job is an admissions rep for a career school. I just want to see people succeed. I just want to see their lives change for the better because they decided to do something constructive. My "sales pitch" is that I take a consultative role with an obvious slant toward my product - this school. I don't see where the competition is in that.

Anyway, I'm not killing the idea yet. I'm just sayin' don't take things so seriously like it's a fight to the death, jeez. And please, next time we meet, please value and respect my time.

suspension of heterosexual belief

2008-08-21T00:39:00.003-04:00

In light of Sinclair's recent post about the suspension of heterosexual belief, let me tell you about kissing a boy last night.

For me, you see, boys are a great idea in theory but in practice it simply doesn't work. I'm not into their general boorishness, their clumsiness, and apathy toward women's situation, their overall grossness. But Robbie is different. First and foremost he is the husband of my darling Jenny - that alone should be enough for me to think highly of him. Secondly, he is committed to feminist causes, and very supportive and sympathetic to queer politics and theory. A man after my own heart, you see? Add to that, practised, gentle kink and a tastefully open relationship with Jenny. What could be better? I always say, you don't have to be gay to be queer. I'll add to that - you don't have to limit yourself to be gay.

Anatomy aside, Robbie is very keenly the type of boy that I would want if I were into boys. Maybe I am. Or maybe I am only into boys like him. You see, I like masculinity. I love the sort of female masculinity that butch women present and live out. But I can appreciate gentle, sweet boyish boys too. So - is it just the masculinity part? This respectful masculinity that cherishes and protects my femininity whether it comes from a boy or a girl? it's just so very rare to find that in a boy. I dunno what I'm trying to say.

Kissing Robbie in the pool was real-life suspension of heterosexual belief - he's a boy, sure. Masculine, defnitely! But not at all offensive, not at all scary or weird or awkward. I very much liked it.

gasp! i've tarnished my gold star! whatever shall i do?

more of the same, of course.

pool party!

2008-08-20T03:00:00.003-04:00

I kissed a boy, and I liked it! He bit my lip, too!

5 queer girls plus an underdefined boy all naked or nearly naked in a pool this evening. this calls for troublemaking!

First, Second

2008-08-19T21:35:00.003-04:00

At this very moment, I am totally, utterly, absolutely jealous of everyone who got to go to the Femme Conference. Reading everything you all wrote, I was asking myself why on earth I wasn't there. I should have been. But I think I can only really afford two big outta state trips per year. I capped out by June. Went to see mum in March and went to NYC in June. (which, by the way, was fantastic - sorry I haven't written much about it.) Another one might have been overkill, especially considering my current debt-elimination streak.

I have two notes to discuss today, as well

First, if you link to me, please tell me. I don't have my site counter up, something went funny with the code so I can't see where people are clicking from. Also, it's rude of me not to link you back! So, please either e-mail me (missavarice@gmail.com) or comment to let me know.

Secondly, I'm looking for some writing prompts so I think it's question and answer time! I've been wanting to start writing "how-to's" and advice about the implements of femme presentation. For example, I've been thinking over a piece on how to wear a skirt in the summertime without getting chafed between your legs. My answer? thigh high stockings. little shorties underneath. powdering your inner thighs? My point is, chafing is a bitch and I live in a rather warm, tropical climate. The humidity is insane! So. Point being, give me a topic, I'll do a little bit of research, and come back to you all with the results.

topless in the pool

2008-08-19T02:07:00.004-04:00

So, Kay and Ash, and Dana and I all went out to the Melting Pot for to dine upon the novelty and seduction that is melted cheese and smooth, liquid chocolate. Afterward we retired to Dana's apartment where we donned water-appropriate gear and skipped off to the pool. Kay, being her nudist self, was the first to off her tops, I the second. It took a dare and gambling to finally pursuade Ash to take off her white undershirt, and man alive. Let me tell you something about how much I love breasts. Man. Ash has some seriously fantastic ones. Tender palmfuls, they are the perfect smallish size.

"If I let you touch mine, can I touch yours?"

Gah. So great. I was topless the rest of the night. Why wear clothes when you're among friends? Why.

twice, a bad dream.

2008-08-19T01:32:00.004-04:00

I've been having truly awful nightmares.

A couple weeks ago I dreamed that someone gave me this thin, limp, dark haired girl. She was so tiny, and barely conscious. All I knew in my dream was that she was a prop in some art project. A few yards away there was a white wall, and then a glass panel and on the back, a thinly padded wall. At the sound of a shot gun, I was supposed to throw her against the wall, so I did. Instantly I realized my mistake. She (and a several others, alike) slid, dropped to the floor where men in white masks beat them to death. I shrieked as if it had been me who was thrown. I was sickened that I had taken part in it. But I didn't understand what it was before it happened...

Dramatic, no?

Saturday night I dreamed that there were some young children who were being filmed in a children's movie. They all dove into this shallow pool and suddenly the floor underneath the pool began to tilt back and forth, creating bigger and bigger waves. The water began to rise and the children were drowning. We (the adults) tried to save as many as we could but we were struggling to keep ourselves afloat. The adults all piled into an elevator where "5" was the top floor but the numbers were all jumbled up. "5" was really like the 15th floor but like I said, they were mixed up. When we reached the top, safe and sound, I asked someone, "What happened to the children?" She was a thin orange-haired girl with a host of freckles and a warm smile. Maybe you know her. And she said, "Why, they've all drowned". She spoke with a tone of voice that expressed how unfortunate the situation was, but no real remorse or disappointment at all. I was disgusted, and I felt tricked.

Morbid. Why all the dreams about people dying? And no one caring? I don't get it.

I had another upsetting dream this morning but I can't remember what it was. It's just as well, I'd rather not remember.

Am I worried about my big dreams and plans dying? I sometimes dream so big that I have to scale down the grandeur. It hurts.

The Girl Effect

2008-08-10T11:06:00.003-04:00

This came to my inbox this morning. I wish that enough people would hear about work that's being done like this and help out but we are often so wrapped up in our own problems. I know a lot of people are struggling with money much of the time, but giving is part of the process of receiving - remember this.

Sugarbutch Contest 2008 - submit!

2008-08-09T12:07:00.003-04:00

Are ya ready? I'll of course be exercising my creativity to come up with something truly unique! Dana and I have already been plotting and we're sure we've come up with a great story, I'm in the process of writing it up now!

The most exciting thing, though, is going to be all the sexy stories!

Prudence

2008-08-08T02:38:00.005-04:00

Logo's Big Gay Sketch Show has a sketch about Suze Orman's television financial planning show wherein Julie Goldman is dressed up in her business casual best talking to lesbian callers about their financial troubles. One caller had a volunteer position, another made pretty close to minimum wage - the stories were pitiful. She was especially concerned to hear when lesbians weren't saving for retirement. The sketch, totally hi-larious. Nearing financial ruin at an ever increasing pace, not so hilarious.

Tuesday I saw a financial planner. I checked out my score online, I calculated my debts and assets, and I prepared myself for bad news. On the contrary, I'm actually not doing so bad. I have money in a 401k with my company, I'm not completely illiterate when it comes to financial options, and I've got a lot of ambition. I'm in full blown debt-smashing mode. I'm ready to opening a Roth IRA (for the poor folks!) and I'm sending more and more of my money back into my credit cards. Two trips to NYC in the past 12 months had me on the edge. Being financially responsible for my beloved cousin and her son for two months really tipped things over the edge. She's paying me back, but I'm realizing that I will have to pay back my creditors faster than she can pay me back. Basicaly, I need to pay back my debts yesterday. I cringe thinking about all the money that has gone into interest which I could have been saving! Avoid interest-charging debt like the plague people! Don't touch it, don't even go near it!

Now is the best time to redirect the financial path you're on. I've been working through some of Suze Orman's Financial Planning Workbook. Some of the exercises are a little funny, especially the one where I have to repear my financial mantra 75 times per day. I don't have time for that. But the exercises helped me figure out my greatest money fear:

I'm afraid of being stuck in a job that I hate just because it pays the bills, which also means that I can't have very much fun.

I think this stems from my mother because throughout her life I've rarely seen her spoil or pamper herself on little things (much less extravagant things) to reward herself for her perseverance. She's always held on to her cash because she needed it to pay a bill, to buy needful things rather than spending it on folly. My backlash to this has been to overspoil myself on a rather frequent basis because I don't believe that I deserve to do without the things that I want. Hence, credit card debt.

So, my financial mantra is:

I have an emotionally fulfilling job that meets my needs and allows me to spoil myself on occasion.

This is affirmation doesn't work without my effort, obviously, but I definitely confident and capable of achieving this kind of lifestyle. It's coming, folks. I can feel it! I'm ready for it, I welcome that easy lifestyle that gives me the things I need and doesn't hold me back from the things I want, all the while working a job that feeds my spirit with positive things.

Speaking of which, I applied to a job with a trade school here in town as a recruiter. How can you go wrong with an education? I can't sell TV's or porcelain figurines, or used cars, but I'm sure I can sell the benefits of an education. A definable skill, a clear career path, and greater earning capability. Here's hoping that I can get an afternoon or morning interview rather than an evening one that I'd have to call out of work at my current job to attend.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's sugasm 143!

2008-08-07T02:11:00.002-04:00

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #144? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks
Anti-Porn Protest Gets Weird
“People get very excited about their causes and lack the sense to see if the information backs them up. ”

The Come Shot
“You don’t see their bodies going blotchily red and hear them howling like a banshee.”

Third Time’s a Charm
“If I lift my kilt on Bourbon Street I’m much more likely to get arrested than if Elizabeth takes off her top.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice: In My Office

More Sugasm // Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

The game is afoot!!
I Look Good Naked
It is a Journey that Defies Labels
My Doppelgänger Wrote About Me!
My First Peeping Tom
Perfect vs Good
Why I hate threesomes
You Say Po-tay-to, I Say Po-tah-to

Sex & Politics
Musings on Masculinity: Gabe
Prostitution: To Legalize Or Not?

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Blonde whore sex video with blowjob
Cam Lover is addicted to CamWithHer clips
Femdom Mz Berlin Double Fists Audrey Hollander’s Ass In Lesbian Bondage Scene On Chanta’s Bitches
First post, first HNT!
Fuck me like your bitch boy (pic)
Girls and computers
Half-Nekkid with a New Toy
Jodie Marsh in Hot Party Dress Spilling Out her Boobs
Ms. Elle with Lash
Phone Sex Grandma
Satine Phoenix Forced To Cum On Fucking Machines
Tits for Troops
Where are the women?
X Marks The Spot

Sex Advice
Study The Master: How to Flirt, The Dean Martin Way
Thai green curry is the way to a spicy sex life

Sex News, Reviews & Interviews
20 Questions With Tina Tyler
Andrew Blake Thinks He’s Stan Brakhage
Interview with John of Leather Thorn Paddles
Perpetuating Stupid Stereotypes
Review: The Clover Plug
Sextoy Review! The GIGI “Pleasure Object” by LELO
Win A Vollers Corset From Mio Destino Lingerie

Erotic Writing and Experiences
After tapas
Autobiography of a Masturbator: Porn O’Graphicus, Part 3
Can you keep quiet?
Contrast (a love song)
Fiction: Hipster Girl
Hard times, hard-ons, hookers, & strippers
I need to fuck Amanda.
A Little Tingle
Marcy(fantasy)
Mister McIntyre’s Secret - Part One
Mrs. Kink Gets Kinky Email From D
No reservations. part 6
“Once there was a boy and he was beautiful… “
One Track Mind
Pre-MILF II
She danced into my fairytale-Part Three
She Kissed Me
She-some
Slut in the park
Try not to scream…
View From The Balcony

Sex Humor
Taking the Piss Out of the Internet, One Golden Shower at a Time

BDSM & Fetish
Amber’s Wedding Day Confession (Part Three/Continued)
Catalina loves FetLife
Chained
Famed Dom Sgt. Major Brings His Slutty Friends To Backdoor Bondage
Fine Art 101
The locks are broken
A Master And Femdom Cane A Slut Who Kneels On Frozen Peas, While In Bondage
Prelude in E (for Embarrassment)
r’s naughty thoughts on a scene with his Mistress and Ms. Nikki Nefarious
Strap On Play Is Not Just A Fetish, It’s Fun!
Sub night
The Tea Party
A virgin does Thunder, part II
Weekend, part two: dancing
A Wicked Tease

why should it be different?

2008-08-07T01:47:00.003-04:00

Miss Dana and I were sort of discussing (and I say sort of, because I was mostly blabbering) about the difference between having a same sex partner, and being married to someone of the same sex. Is it any different? Dana and I have become very attached (she will wink and say, "not at the hip, can you guess where?") and I think of her as my partner, but not as a marital spouse. I like the idea that she and I are able to come together as a unit, that we share most things in life, that we plan together for the future. But there's no pressure. If the brilliance of this relatively new relationship fades and neither of us is into it anymore, there's little to stop us from pursuiing something new. Just put your stuff in a box and you're out!

Ok so maybe it's not that easy for everyone but in theory. Ya know.

So I would be ok with saying she's my partner, at my next job, provided things are going well between us, I would like to have us both on my health insurance. But neither of us is ready for marriage. What's the difference here?

Is it just that one is a little more permanent, a little hard to get out of? Is it that there's a difference between what "marriage" is and what "partnership" is? I don't get it. I always thought of it as the same damn thing, but it doesn't feel like it, now that I'm in the middle of a partnership.

At work, just to get someone on as your "domestic partner" you just have to sign a paper that says you share the same domicile, you're both responsible for the bills and that you're in an "indefinite" relationship based on mutual love and care. Is that so hard? Lots of unmarried people do that! (By the way, my company will take this form for same- or different-sex couples.) Anyone in such a relationship would sign that document. But would they get married? Not necessarily.

So I have a partner of mutual love and care, we share a domicile, we are generally both responsible for what goes on with the money, we share decisions, and it's "indefinite" (which only means that it goes on until it ends, the end is not yet in sight but could be at any time right?). But I don't want to marry her.

Hmm. Food for thought.

By the way:

1. If I was being really honest, I would tell my boss that if he has to scold me for being one minute late when I am consistently over 97% in compliance, he's got bigger problems on his hands than that.

2. If I was being really honest with myself, I would admit that I'm a fleeting, fluttering soul who can't do the same thing for very much longer or else she might lose it. Whatever "it" is.

If asked of the state of my heart, I would say...

2008-07-29T01:23:00.004-04:00

If asked of the state of my heart, I would say:

My heart feels tentative, like I'm trying to gaurd myself from surprise. It won't take anything too seriously, in case it gets snatched from me. I hold everything with open palms, instead of grasping, pulling. Instead of trying to posses things, I carry them gently. (7/16/08

My heart is whole. It is so whole that it has extra growth to give away. Little pieces of my heart that are in excess. I want to give and give and give. My heart is in a state of rest. It has big dreams that it can wait for, knowing they will happen. My heart anticipates joy, instead of sorrow. (today)

See the source: Sugarbutch.net

to touch or not to touch. gross hairy men.

2008-07-29T00:42:00.003-04:00

After simmering in my irritability for the first half of the month in reference to my choice of a career, my future plans, my desire to get the hell outta dodge, I've settled into the fact that I'm goign to be here for awhile longer. I no longer having that "flight" reaction to my current employment situation.

Surely my mood has to do with all of the things I've been doing to feed my desire for change. I bought a massage therapy textbook and I've been working through it. I gave Kay a massage as a practice run and she said that I was already as good, if not better than some students would have been with a month or two worth of class time. So. Sounds promising right? Well. The only problem with being an MT is that it is largely a female profession with a significant male clientele. So. I'm signing up to touch boys all day. Ew. Sweaty, hairy boys.

So! I've decided to start practice on all my favorite gay boys to start off with. As long as I can be comfortable with them, I'm sure I can make the leap to hairy gross old men, right? Uh. We'll see. We'll see. Kip is a truly adorable boy, though. His boyfriend Joel was in my Politics of Women's Health class. Actually, Joel is one degree between me and Dana - craazy! He works in the same plaza where Dana works as a sandwich craftsperson. Once I met her, Dana started talking to Joel about me and he realized who I was before he and I had ever really made acquaintances in class. Weird.

But Kip is Joel's boyfriend and they are ever so cute - very cuddly and clean, and he has a friend who is also a massage therapist. Apparently he himself has also been the guinea pig for many a massage student. We're having a date tomorrow afternoon for my first try at touching boy leg hairs. and arm hairs and back. Maybe he won't have a hairy back, do you think? I was sure to remind him that I have not even taken intro to "do you wanta degree in?" massage yet and so I don't really have any basic strokes. He seems willing to oblige my curiosities anyway.

I'm totally nervous because I have given so few massage with so little instruction. But like I've said before, I am a healer with healing hands and it is the intent of my heart. How could I go wrong?

after tapas

2008-07-28T12:16:00.002-04:00

I told her in the car on the way home from the tapas restaurant what I wanted. "When we get home, I want you to put on your cock and put your pants back on." She was easy to persuade. "I'm going to leave my dress on, if that's okay." Of course it was.

She started me off sitting on the edge of the bed. Kissed me, tenderly she became reconnected with my body. Soon I found myself lying back, with my panties being yanked down, greedily, over and off my ankles. She sank into my cunt with her lips, rocking me steadily upwards. With her pants unzipped, unbuckled, I was keenly aware of her swelling desire.

One at a time, she brought her fingers into my pussy - one to unlock the door and two to swing it wide open. Warm, warm fingers. I lifted my legs up over her shoulders to adjust the angle and begged - "Oh sweetie, you fuck me so good, oh yes, oh please!" Then, once she pulled her fingers out, her cock was ready to jump into action. Still, with my legs on her shoulders, or over her elbows, she guided her cock into me slowly - slowly - ahhh. She knows the angle, she knows the rhythm immediately. There, at the edge of the bed she fucked me for a long while, bringing me back to the edges of myself.

We paused and repositioned onto the bed, for the safety of my back. Oh how she loves the vision of her cock inside me. It's warm and soft and I love the full, feeling it gives me. I love it all. Her pants were still on at this point, but not my dress, it came off as we switched to the flat of the bed. Ahh. With her cock inside me, I brought my hands down to my pussy and she and I together sent me up like a shooting star. Crying out to her, that long sigh - "oooh baby!" That cry is full of crave and desire. She cooed and caressed me back into myself, unbuckled my shoes and took them off. As we lay in the bed afterward, letting me come back to reality, I said, "So, what can I do for you?" She knew I was tired and didn't want to put me out, but she deserved something in return after all that!

I rolled over on top of her and did what I could to return such a gracious favor.

2008-07-22T16:37:00.003-04:00

Yeah. So after the Dr visit today, I'm convinced that my body is just trying to tell me something. It's trying to say, "Quit puttin' in JUNK!"

I've got the GERD. The only things I can safely eat without having digestive distress are fruits, vegetables and breads. A friend suggested baked chicken with very little spices in it. No dairy. No red meat. Doc gave me Nexium. But dear fellows, let me tell you. I am too damn young and all these damn pills. Here's the rundown.

Lipitor (cholesterol, indicated by diabetes)
Lisinopril (blood pressure, indicated by diabetes)
Metformin (blood sugar regulation)
Allegra 180 (the tree, dust, pet, mold allergies)
Yasmin (BCPs to keep ovarian cysts at bay)

and today, the Nexium for my GERD/acid reflux disease.

This doesn't even count the nasal sprays that I'm not taking because they are gross. They're supposed to help with my sinus congestion (not runny nose, mind you, junk in my face, rather) to keep me from getting sinus and ear infections.

Thankfully, I'm gettin' setup with FMLA for the days that I've been out so it will not count against my good attendance record at work. Phew!

But what I'm saying. Is that my body is only a representation of all the shit that's wrong with the environment, and with packaged, processed food. You heard it from Miss Avarice's stomach. Right from the horse's mouth. SO

Quit puttin' in junk!

least sexy post ever

2008-07-21T22:47:00.003-04:00

Prepare yourselves for the least sexy post you will ever hear from me on this blog. If you have a weak stomach, stop reading now.

Also.
There were a lot of revisions suggested to my last post.
I will strive to live up to your standards this time.

Since Wednesday I have been experiencing indigestion and some stomach irritation. Today, I had to go home from work, lest I shit my pants at my desk chair. Needless to say, work is none too happy with me because I called out of a 5 hour shift on Thursday, and today I had to go home at my lunch break. I've never understood the way employers require such harsh attendance rules. I mean. I understand keeping bodies in the seats. But when I'm pooping my brains out, in severe pain from trying to keep all the gases and waste materials in my lower intestines instead on the floor by my desk. You know. Colds, coughs and sinus issues are so apparent on the outside, but diarrhea is best kept a secret. That means that for the past 5 days I have been trying to prove to my employer that the reason I can't come to work is because I'm pooping my brains out without any hard evidence. Impossible.

After talking with Coko, who suggested that it was IBS, I'm wondering if it is actually a physical reaction to not wanting to be at this job. I feel stuck in it, because it is an inopportune time to be looking for more work. But it is so unfulfilling, it does not take into account my numerous talents, it is positively life-sucking. Not as bad as the jobs I've had before, but a year and a half of schmoozing payments out of people for the cell phone contract they signed themselves up for, I'm done. So my body is trying to release this "stuck in my job" feeling by creating the flow of shit.

I think Dana's got the runs, too. We're going to the doctor tomorrow. And she has a job interview. Hooray!

part psychological. part physiological. part passion.

2008-07-15T22:23:00.002-04:00

Last night she felt it. The energy of her cock seeped through its firm shaft and down, down inside her pelvis and she said the strength of her desire was reflected back from her core and out through her cock. Her cock.

We're definitely on the upswing. And we've made a gentle agreement to start exploring kink. It's the first day of school and we're just here to have fun. I'm sitting here in a rope harness into which I tied myself. She's reading a book and cooking matzo ball soup (with chicken?).

Naked in our space together,
enjoying life as usual and
tossing our change into a
big glass pickle jar.

When it jingles, it makes the sound of change.

This is the sound of change.

two things

2008-07-12T02:48:00.002-04:00

sex is so freaking good right now. i didn't think we could have a successful repeat of the cock endeavor of last night. lemme just tell you people. it was fantastic

and the other thing. sex makes me so hungry! dana made this amazing mushroom stuffing, with broccoli and baked chicken. fabulous.

i'm going to go bask! ahh. so great.

reconnecting

2008-07-11T02:35:00.003-04:00

I would tell you how she eased her cock so gently into my cunt. If I wanted to, I would describe the weight of her hips rocking closer to me. I could give an account of the sweet way she worked her cock for exactly the third time ever.

But what I really want to tell you about is what happened afterward. Reclining on her back, she was resting from all her hard work, I flung my hair out of the way (it has grown quite long) and brought my hand down to where the leather straps were so tightly fastened around her waist, glutes, legs. I brushed my fingers over her labia, feeling how wet the show of my orgasm had made her, and finally pressed my fingers into her cunt. From there, my lips quickly found her cock, and I graced the two - cunt and cock - at the same time. Immediately, the obvious moan of her pleasure rose from her body. I love the way she takes to my fingers, or my mouth, or whatever the instrument of choice, allowing her body to be soothed by my affections.

We have a question for all of you - blog readers and writers. Some butches and transmen say that they can "feel" their cock when they ar wearing it. That the touch gives a certain sensation even though it's not physically attached. Is this cultivated? Does it have to do with the degree to which one identifies with a masculine persona? Is there a spectrum of how trans or not trans a butch can be, and if you lean to the trans side of things then it gives you pleasure to have girls touching your cock and if you're on the genuine butch woman side, then not so much? How does this all work? Having an answer to that question would be so very helpful. Sin? Dylan? anyone? What's this all about?

new horizons seem so far away

2008-07-08T14:57:00.002-04:00

I'm still not doing very well, but I took a much needed unplanned day off yesterday which helped tremendously. I was feeling ill, I was cramping, and Dana had the day off. I wanted to be with her. I spent the majority of the day basically glued to her side, requiring her affections. We had dinner with Stefanie, had a Border's run (I've been spending my ~~excess~~ lack of funds there a lot lately). Spent the day mostly looking for a new job on the internet, looking up massage schools in NY state, looking up job opportunities in Jersey, and generally being weepy and asking the Universe what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

I haven't written much about sex or sexuality or anything of late, and for that I hope to do some kind of penance. But sex with Dana has lately felt so very private, I have been wanting to hold it in my heart and not share it. It has been about reconnecting with her, it has been full of loving, tender touch. I have been filling my life with relaxing music, guided meditations and deep breaths. I've been trying to get to the breath of life, as it seems to have escaped me. I'm reaching for my dreams because I've put them on the back burner for a year and a half. Won't you forgive me? Life just doesn't revolve around my sex or gender right now.

more than you think, less than you think.

2008-07-08T14:34:00.003-04:00

I had the pleasure of coming out to an old friend last night. It has been several months since we talked, so she hasn't heard a thing about me having a girlfriend, or moving, or anything. We went to youth group together, and we attended the same high school (although I graduated 2 years earlier than she). But you know I am constantly amazed at the love and acceptance that I have encountered from these women who grew up with me, who knew I "struggled". I'm telling that now that I do not struggle, but rather embrace and dream and see. And they're taking me as I am, and going to good, warm places with me. They're not abandoning me, or calling me crazed.

I had always been a truth seeker. My search brought me to the discovery that more of what we think are lies are actually true. And the reverse - much of we take to be the truth is a lie.

Find your truths, kids.

not doing well.

2008-07-03T01:27:00.004-04:00

i'm not doing well. i am feeling very heavy hearted. for some reason, very sharp fear of death has come over me. i find myself sinking into the thoughts of what it must be like to transition into the spirit world. it's almost like meditating on the nothingness that follows the something. i need to kick it out of my head, and replace it with positive thoughts about being released from the weight of this world rather than being denied my physical presence. i shouldn't even be dwelling on death at all. it snuck up on me, all of a sudden the other day when I was reading a massage therapy text book that was talking about how massage is used in hospice care.

i'm not really doing well financially either. assisting Stefanie and still taking care of myself realy ran up my credit cards and she's still paying her past due car payments, day care, and phone bills. i know things will eventually even out, but i am broke as a joke - especially after my last NY trip. before i can really make any progress in the direction of massage school, or a change of location, i will have to make a significant dent in what i owe to the gods of visa and mastercard. ugh. it's making me ill just to think on it.

i've been back to my church twice now, the last time i went was New Year's. It's nice to be able to be in a holy space (it is holy because we gather together) and center myself within the spirit of God. it does not feel empty or fake, it feels full and genuine. but i need more. my physical body needs rest and movement, my spiritual self needs to grow and become a beam of light.

Crash Landing

2008-07-01T12:24:00.003-04:00

I've been on the go since I got back from the workshop. Not a day to myself until today. But the unraveling process couldn't wait until I had a peaceful day off. No. I've been unraveling since I "crash" landed home. I had to go to work that same day, and the next day, and the day after that. Then, on Saturday we got up early and went to the pride parade and did fun things all day. Sunday I went to church and then cooked for four freaking hours for Dana's surprise birthday party (which went off with nary a hitch!). Yesterday I had to work, and then Dana kinda had it out over Crave. A lot of it had to do with misunderstandings, and some of it has to do with the fact that we are still fairly new to one another and we are still cultivating a sense of security with one another. It was hard.

This morning, though. She said, "I'm sorry you miss Crave" (as in, "I'm sorry it hurts") and she said "I'm sorry she doesn't feel the same way for you as you feel for her" (as in, again, "I'm sorry it hurts") -- It's true. It's hurting a lot.

Today I am in hot pursuit of change. I had a massage from Crave last Monday and something snapped inside me. For several years I've had a tentative plan to attend massage school. This time with Crave, I understood that the healing power of massage can have so much to do with emotions, spirit, and mind. Before, it had always been about the physical. To get me started in the right direction, I bought a massage textbook to work through over the next few months, and I also started looking up different massage schools. If I stay in Florida I'll have to do 600 hours of class. If I go to New York state, I'll have to do 1000 hours, but I'll be able to practice anywhere. NY will also offer me the change of scenery that I need. I don't have to stay there forever, but I could use that as a runway to someplace else.

My fluttering Gemini heart needs change to survive, and I've been doing the same damn thing for way too long. (Funny. A year seems like such a long time. One day I'll really have to settle down.)

Happy Freaking Pride!

2008-06-28T16:38:00.004-04:00

Happy Freaking Pride, y'all!

Dana and I got up at an ungodly hour (9 a.m.) to drive across the bridge to the neighboring city where our metro area PRIDE is held. I'm a notorious pen stealer, especially when they're being offered for free (think, dentist, doctor, work, etc.) so we grabbed a healthy stack of them. Hmmm. Fresh pens! We also visited a wine tasting booth, listened to a gal named Julie Schurr (t-shirt, autograph, album, picture for Dana) and walked around simultaneously window shopping and trying to keep me away from the ATM.

Fun times, let me tell you! We're off to dinner at a Turkish restaurant downtown, fighting off a thunderstorm.

P.S. Dana was drooling over the cute little babies and I was melting over sexy "older" lesbians. Omg. The dyke uniform. It's the standard for a reason. I'm melting again just thinking about it!

P.P.S. We also bumped into Marian a couple times. Girl's made some progress but she's still chasing around girls who aren't interested in her. Terribly tragic.

deflowering

2008-06-28T01:11:00.003-04:00

May I introduce to you, Tex.

I got home from the airport two hours after she was supposed to go to work. In those two hours, we figured out how to put it in the harness, how to tighten the straps, how to position ourselves. Gently, sweetly, I am wondering why on earth we didn't try this before. I'm hooked. It's going to take some getting used to. I can't handle it on a regular basis, but damn. Two words: butch cock. And she finally has something physical to locate it. I'm totally freakin pleased, and I imagine I will be for a long time. Damn good lovin' right here.

phew!

Westward Fever

2008-06-27T02:07:00.003-04:00

I've been catching Westward Fever. Gradually, but surely. Late last year some time Kay and Ash started planning on going out west. Portland, specifically. Sol and Autumn had also planned a trek toward the Pacific. I wasn't so keen on the idea at first, but the South has been sneaking further and further out of my good graces, what with the anti-intellectualism and anti-feminist harrassment of my university administrators. Not to mention the outright racism of Southern people, and the local government's neglect and mishandling of social justice problems.

The whole time I was visiting Crave, she was planning for a scouting trip with her best friend, up and down the West coast to decide on a city, or a region whereto relocate. I'm totally jealous and I want to go with them in a bad way. Of course I can't, but I can dream from home. I've been looking up Portland on the internet, and dreaming about Seattle this afternoon and I'm totally hooked. I mean, I don't want to leave the South and join all the other intellectuals in a safe haven wherein to huddle, hoping that the rest of the country will start tagging along, but I'm no Jesus, I'm no Mother Theresa. I am not here to save the world, I can simply look out for myself and the ones I love.

The earliest I would be able to go out West is probably May of next year, which is hopefully when I will graduate with my WST degree (if, that is, my university stops cancelling classes and thwarting feminist thought). Maybe by then, if I have and keep this goal to move, I will be stable enough financially to pick up and make this profound change to my life. Moving Westward will also mean massage school. I've been really wanting to go to massage school for probably 3-4 years now, ever since Kay came back into my life and she showed my the wonders of body work. I am ready for the fulfilling work of healing people. It is indeed my heart's desire, and my soul's basic purpose.

Crave, in Jersey this time

2008-06-25T16:10:00.003-04:00

Well, kids, my plane going into Georgia from Newark was delayed by two full hours so I had to miss my connection to Florida and sleep overnight in the airport. Not a fun thing. If nothing else, though, that gave me plenty of time to process. The journal I've been working on has been slow going but I think I wrote about ten pages. My visit with Crave was overall very good. I met her at work on Sunday night, bleary eyed and floating outside my body. We grabbed some supper at a diner in Jersey and went back to her place. It was overall a pleasant evening. We relaxed and spent some time watching a video about affirmations and positive thought. It dawned on my that this what I spend so much of my time trying to drill into people. When you speak, things happen, so choose your words precisely with that in mind.

Dana was a bit worried on Sunday night because she knows how much Crave had affected me on our last visit, but you know you can't predict the future from the past. We were very content to keep a friendly physical distance.

Crave, to me, is a kindred spirit, she is a bosom friend from another lifetime, lord knows how long ago. Crave is precious to me.

Since she's an MT, I had a massage the night before I left her, mostly to work out the knots from just having been tied-up-and-dragged-around-on-the-floor at the workshop Sunday. But she incorporated some energy healing into the massage - a welcome practise. As she worked on my back, it felt like she had opened up holes, drains in my back to release a lot of stuff I've been hanging onto. When I turned over they closed back up again. I was fine, I was doing great until she left the room so I could get up and it happened again. A wash of healing tears fell out of me and I melted. I guess I wasn't really upset with anything i particular, but she somehow locates my stuck places exactly and knows how to open them.

No one makes me cry like that. No one. I am not one to be crying at the drop of a hat, but I feel so free to be vulnerable around Crave. She invites healing and I guess that's how my body heals.

There's more to write but I gatta run to work. I'm back in my body, but I still feel upside down in it. I need some quiet time.

advancement

2008-06-23T15:51:00.003-04:00

As we started the workshop on Friday, I listened to the facilitator talk about how it is an advanced workshop. Miss Avarice, so recently deflowered, so inexperienced and green, sitting amongst all these grown up women who have had many a partner, and many of whom are sex workers themselves (pro dommes, sexological bodyworkers, etcetera). And there's little old me, Miss Avarice, anonymous sexuality blogger, quaking in my panties and wondering whether or not I were truly prepared for the experiences that were forthcoming.

Turns out, I was totally ready.

In fact, I didn't find that it was altogether very difficult. Some parts were very revealing, I exposed so much of myself. But it is such a very special, such a very quiet and safe place to do so. I already knew and trust so many of the women there, who had participated in my very first Body Electric School workshop. I knew and trusted the staff, the facilitator, and the space. Every exercise that we practised, I was able to gain new confidence in my self. I feared nothing.

Yesterday was kinda hard. My spirit was still kinda floating outside my body, trying to fit itself within the borders of my skin (think Peter Pan trying to get his shadow reattached). Today though, I am reintegrated and feeling so ready.

I can't wait to get home, and start planning or Dana's birthday!

prayers

2008-06-23T01:47:00.003-04:00

This morning, on the day of worship, we gave up a time of sharing ourselves, baring our truths and learning to express our simplest nature. I offered up a prayer, a plea.

I have so much love inside of me. It's... it's uncontainable. It oozes out the cracks, and sometimes my heart springs a leak. I want people to be grateful for my love because I'm giving it to them, because I fashioned it specifically for them. I want to be able to spread my love around, to unfurl it like a blanket. I want my love to be taken seriously, even though it is portioned out for others.

I harbor more love than I can contain. Sometimes, my heart is even too big for my chest, and I have to grow to make more room for it. It's hard to carry, love is not light or easy. Love is a burden. I want to give it all away for the freedom and lightness of others.

But just because I love so many, and so much, the degree to which I live the individuals (as well as the whole) is not diminished. Perhaps it is strengthened. I so appreciate the people who have honored me by allowing me to give a little bit of love, to share a heap of compassion.

Workshop preparations

2008-06-19T12:10:00.004-04:00

In about sixteen hours I'll be on my way to the airport to make another pilgrimage to the Center of the Universe (a.k.a. New York City!). So freaking excited.

I'll be staying in a hotel in the Financial District for the first two nights, and then for the rest of the time I'll be in Jersey with Crave. Say what? Crave? Yep. I'm super excited to see her and I've been talking things over with Dana and we both seem to feel fairly settled about it. At least Dana says she's glad to have me spend more time with Crave. I hesitate to believe her, but she's convinced me so far.

Getting to see Crave brings up so many emotions for me. I'm afraid that I'll just feel like crying when I see her. I'm afraid that the connection we forged in January will have faded by now, with time and distance between us. But at the same time Crave seems just as eager to see me as I am to see her. I'll be meeting up with her Sunday evening after the workshop ends. I'm hoping she'll be up for a late supper.

As far as the Power, Surrender and Intimacy workshop goes, I'm a bit apprehensive, yet totally flipped out with excitement. I want to be ready for anything, but things don't always work out that way. I wish bravery could be automatic, but it's not always. I'm afraid of being nude in front of even such open and generous women.

Mostly I'm afraid of fear.

But I'll have several familar faces there. Sinclair and the coordinator, the workshop facilitator Alex Jade. Perhaps there will be others. So I'm planning on tasting divinity and witnessing miracles. I plan on being a beam of clean white light. I plan on being fierce.

In other news, I've settled on the fact that although I love to get people off, my resting state of energy is indeed the bottom. I crave to draw desire and dominance from lovers and others. I delight in the moment where they lunge toward me, overcome by want.

invasion of privacy, to start with

2008-06-17T07:21:00.003-04:00

My brother got robbed last night while he was out, he woke me at 6 a.m. to tell me so. I am now trying to figure out if there is indeed any way that I can help him. I am already maxed out financially with the last 2 months of Stefanie and the baby so I won't be able to contribute much of anything at all except occasional shelter and some food. I feel like a bad sister, but the Tea business is not exactly what I'd call employment and he's been an entrepreneur of sorts for the longest time that it will be hard to transition back to gainful employment wherein one reports to some authority.

His other alternative is living with my aunt who verbally abuses him, manipulates him with her access to our trust fund, telling him that he is worthless.

How did he get the short end of the stick? All I can think is that no one believed in him as a kid. I did. I always did. But people didn't stick up for him. It was my father's family who did not stick up for him. They called my mother a bad mom saying that she was too easy on him. Well you know what? When everyone else is trying to abandon you, you are lucky if at least your mom still loves you.

But I'm not made of money, or time, or enough compassion to foster the wellbeing of so many people. I do not really even have the resources to get myself out of credit card debt right now and that is my main priority.

Dear God, I either need grace to be "not enough" or the resources to become "enough".

holding hands in church

2008-06-15T15:09:00.004-04:00

I woke up this morning at ten minutes to ten and decided that I wanted to go to church. I've been out of the habit for such a long time and it is difficult to get back into the habit, but Dana was pleased to go with me so that I would not be there alone. My church is the type that seems to change faces about every three to six months, so going there again is like meeting new people all over again, but I have never regretted getting up early to go and praise God in the presence of other believers. My church is comprised of mostly the tattooed, pierced and dyed hair variety of reform minded Christians who are concerned with social justice issues, responsible politics, and bringing help to those in need. Funny - that's exactly what Jesus was all about, but you don't see most Christians trying to do that. They're just trying to get their quota of church days per year fulfilled.

I don't talk about religion much on her first because it's a touchy subject, secondly because sometimes I'm not sure how much I can say without using overly religious jargon, and thirdly because this is a sex blog and sometimes it can be difficult to show how the two can be so intertwined. But they are. Religion and sexuality have always been closely linked). It's time that we queer people (generally, people who feel alienated by religion, not just queers) start taking back our relationships with the root energy. Please, do me and yourselves a favor, and seek out that root energy, god, goddess, whatever. Regardless of what other people say or do to you, whether it is at home, or in a place of worship, or with a few committed people, seek out your spiritual origin and take it back from thieves. You deserve to be connected.

I introduced Dana to one of my pals, Kyle, "This is my girlfriend, Dana" - she was skipping over to our snack table to get something to drink. "So how long have you been together?" he asked. I told him since about March, and he said that's how long he and his girl had been together. We held hands standing and sitting during the service, and my thoughts were confirmed. This is not an affirming church, by any means, but I can be myself without fear of condemnation or rejection. I'm so pleased that a year and a half after committing to love myself regardless of my gayness, that I can fuck my girlfriend at night and go to church with her the next morning and not feel guilt. Things are settling in my heart. The opening song of our music set was based upon Psalm 23, God's promise of help in troubling times.

The Lord is my shepherd and caretaker
I shall enjoy goodness of life
He teaches me to rest in flourishing green pastures
He directs me to waters of refreshment
He revives my spirit
He guides me to paths that keep me close to him
So that my life will honor him.

Although I walk through valleys of darkness,
Evil cannot intimidate me, You, God are with me,
You strength of defense encourages me.
You prepare lavish feasts for me, despite my enemies.
You have made me the honored guest of your house
You have provided for me with abundance.

Because of you, I know that goodness and mercy
will pursue me for the rest of my life.
I will linger in your house throughout the years.

She can't help it, she's an alcoholic!

2008-06-12T11:08:00.002-04:00

Ok, you've got me, I've been very naughty to have avoided the blog for what? It has been over a week now and I have only posted once in May. Forgive me. I have been helping Dana work through a lot of issues. She has had a disappointing job search so far, with few leads and she is terribly frustrated in her current position at work. I'm also trying to figure out things with Stefanie. She has secured a full time, work-from-home job as a power point expert and web designer. The company is thoroughly pleased with her work, and put her on their company cell phone plan and cut her a paycheck in advance right away. WOo! That solves some of our money problems. Basically it means we are paying back her car payments and at some point we will pay back her overdrawn bank account. Things are righting themselves. If only we can get her out of this lengthy, complex drug program and into something workable for single moms. The program exists, she just has to convince the judge of that next week.

Overall, I feel very balanced in the midst of all the chaos. I do not feel overstressed. I am helping, yet not taking on the burdens of other people. Things at work are pretty hectic, but overall I still get to go home at the end of the day and forget about all the people who tried to steal my energies.

I leave you with Fitzwilliam, the prettiest little English girl since Orlando Bloom:

TMFT

2008-06-05T00:59:00.003-04:00

I'm sorry that it has been nearly a week now since I last posted, but I have had some interesting developments lately. First of all, I'm completely flipped out and ecstatic about the PSI coming up. Secondly, I have to see the oh bee gee why en! in the morning. Thankfully Dana will be with me. I was there when she had her visit a couple weeks ago - she was a little nervous but it went perfectly well. I'm not excited about the cold ducklips, but I am excited to start revisiting the treatment of my PCOS. It has been a long time since I thought seriously on it, and tried to see about resolving some of the issues. I basically stopped getting my period several years ago and I went through a grieving period. Now, I live with a 3 year old, and I'm perfectly content to be child free for the rest of my life. I mean. I'll probably change my mind later in life. Whatevs.

Also, Dana and I met up with the famous Essin' Em for some sun bathing and mixed drinks by the pool. She was in South Florida vacationing with her family and we had the privilege of rescuing her from TMFT (too much family time) for a little bit of debauchery. I've had some writer's block and I can't remember everything, but suffice to say that at one point the tables had turned. Dana was tied up to the end of the bed with me straddling her hips and Em was flogging my back and Dana's legs. That was the highlight of my night, unless you count Dana fucking me as I reclined into Em's embrace. Woohoo!

Dana had a little bit of a hard time afterwards trying to come to terms with the fact that it was okay to have fun with another girl, and that it's okay to think another girl is pretty, even though she's with me. Today she is doing much better. Remember how I was with Crave? She had a case of those same blues but it was milder and went away quicker.

On the drive home from the Atlantic coast (we live on the Gulf coast) we talked about all the highlights, and we asked "was it ok when i ...?" and "did you like it when i ...?" I think we might have finally converted Dana - whee! I told her she could pick the next one :P

My housing situations is feeling better and better - I split my time between Dana's apartment and mine. The child is perfectly charming... except I think I caught his first-week-of-preschool cold. Ugh. Toddler sniffles!

Women's PSI - I'm bound for NYC

2008-05-29T07:22:00.002-04:00

Women's Power, Surrender & Intimacy in New York City, June 20-22

After an absence of several years this powerful exploration into the nature of trust, exquisite attention and heightened sensations returns. Join with like-minded women who are ready to go beyond the life ordinary.

In a grounded, respectful container discover and clarify edges of liberation, empowerment and embodiment. Learn to recognize aspects of yourself that are continually engaged in power dynamics, and hence become more choiceful about how you can share power with compassion and skill. Led by Alex Jade.

I am absolutely thrilled to be going to the Body Electric School's course on Power, Surrender and Intimacy! I've been searching for a plane ticket and sorting things out at work and at home - It's time to hit the road again. Of course you will all be aware of my true need for travel and adventure and this weekend trip hits the spot - a sexuality workshop that promises to take me "beyond the life ordinary."

I have work off, and I don't have to come back until Tuesday night so I have all day Monday to gallavant around town! Hoorah! I'm truly excited to exercise my bottomy tendencies and explore the power of give-and-take, and that delicate balance of consent. Wahoo!

queer culture films available on netflix

2008-05-26T17:47:00.004-04:00

I couldn't find my previous post about the documentary "The Aggressives" but I wanted to let everybody know that I signed up for Netflix the other day (in leu of getting cable television) and I saw that they have many very important films on queer history and culture. The films may be rather difficult to obtain, or view and this is a chance to watch them without money or scarcity standing in the way.

The Aggressives: Director Daniel Peddle spent five years recording the lives of six "aggressives" -- lesbians who strive to be as masculine as possible in lifestyle and appearance. The result is a portrait both enlightening and endearing as we watch each woman come up with her own inventive ways of expressing her identity. From prison to the underground ball scene, where lesbians compete for lead "AG" status, this film reveals a largely hidden subculture.

The Celluloid Closet: Narrated by Lily Tomlin, this acclaimed documentary takes its name from Vito Russo's groundbreaking book. The filmmakers examine the subtext of more than 100 Hollywood movies -- including Spartacus, Rope and Thelma and Louise -- and chart the cinematic journey of lesbian and gay characters. Film clips are paired with director, producer and actor interviews featuring, among others, Gore Vidal, Tom Hanks and Whoopi Goldberg.

Before Stonewall: Life was very different before the 1969 Stonewall riots put the issue of gay rights front and center in America. Using archival films and interviews with gays and lesbians who were forced to hide their sexuality for fear of reprisals, this documentary by Robert Rosenberg, Greta Schiller and John Scagliotti sheds light on American gay life from the 1920s to the 1960s and the sociopolitical climate that finally led to profound change.

After Stonewall: Melissa Etheridge narrates this documentary that explores the progress and challenges of the post-Stonewall lesbian/gay rights movement through archival footage and interviews with leaders such as Barbara Gittings, Armistead Maupin, Jewelle Gomez and Dorothy Allison. The film chronicles key events from 1970 to the end of the 20th century, including sexual liberation, conflicts with the feminist movement, AIDS and political organization.

If you have a credit card, you can get a two week free trial wherein you can watch all of these videos online without having to deal with sending dvd's back in the mail.

Happy Birthday to me

2008-05-22T14:13:00.002-04:00

In honor of my birthday, I am going to work for 7 hours. Hooray!

Luckily I've already had a fancy birthday dinner, and a low-sugar apple birthday cake last night. :)

Now, if Dana and I will at long last get over our periods, life would be simply fabulous. Also, if I miraculously start making twice as much as I make now. That would be greatly appreciated.

Escape! Freedom!

2008-05-18T23:30:00.005-04:00

rant. The move went as well as it could. He tried to tell me that the house was a mess all the time and that it was embarrassing to him when his mother would come over, and that he tried to work with Stefanie but that she would not cooperate, and that I owe him the rent for the rest of the months that I'm skipping out on. All of these things are untrue. I was at the house several days while she was staying there and it was never anything but his dirt and filth. My belongings were moved around, my empty boxes were put in the dirt under the house for me to scavenge for. When I needed help with my cousin living with me, he wouldn't work with me. In any case, all of his niceties were a lie and he really doesn't know how to treat tenants. On top of the place being covered in a layer of filth. I'm out and I don't have to think about it anyore. I don't have to move again for 13 months. hooray!

Now, a whole list of to do's! So. Tired. Dana has been so great throughout the whole thing. She and Stefanie have even been working on "mystery errands" which I presume have something to do with my upcoming birthday next week on Thursday. We're going to The Cheesecake Factory - I just might wear my black dress from the NYC trip last october. It will require a new sash - what color do you think? I'll probably go with red or blue.

By the way, if you link to me and I'm not linking back, pipe up and tell me so!

Sunday Single Girl's Guide to Entertaining 10

2008-05-18T22:54:00.002-04:00

Good to the Last Bite - or, What to do with Leftovers:

Unless you live exclusively on steaks and chops, you'll eventually be confronted with leftovers. They can be a terrific problem if you don't know what to do with them. Personally, I find three days of cold leftover roast beef slices a depressing prospect. Yet I hate to throw out the meat because it's perfectly "good food." A friend of mine saves leftover "good food" long enough so that eventually it molders into "bad food", and then cheerfully throws it out without a qualm. That has always seemed a rather sneaky subterfuge.

The English solution to a leftover roast and vegetables is to cook it all up together in a pot, and mash the vegetables with a fork just before servign. It is then called "Bubble and Squeak" and is considered quite a delicacy. If that doesn't appeal to you, the following pages may give you some ideas. [Obviously her way is better?]

A word of warning: Often, a little bit of chicken or beef incorporated into a brand new dish makes an awful lot so that at the end of the meal you're faced with more leftoveres. Throw them out instantly. There is nothing meaner or more dispiriting than warmed up leftover leftovers.

Pork Goulash: Very Hungarian, and very tasty.

1/2 stick butter
1.5 c chopped onions
2 c leftover pork roast, cut in cubes
1/2 tsp caraway seeds
1 squeezed or minced garlic clove
1 tsp marjoram
grating of lemon rind
1 TB paprika
1 c water

Melt the butter in a frying pan, add the onions and cubed pork and saute until the pork is brown and crispy. Sprinkle caraway, marjoram, garlic, paprika, and lemon rind over the top, stirt to mix. Add the water. Cover and simmer slowly for 30 minutes, adding more water if necessary to prevent sticking. Serves 4

I'll give you the good news first... and then the bad news

2008-05-15T14:13:00.002-04:00

The Good News:
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- In a much-anticipated ruling issued Thursday, the California Supreme Court struck down the state's ban on same-sex marriage as unconstitutional.\

California's Supreme Court ruled Thursday that the state's ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional.

Several gay and lesbian couples, along with the city of San Francisco and gay rights groups, sued to overturn state laws allowing only marriages between a man and a woman.

"There can be no doubt that extending the designation of marriage to same-sex couples, rather than denying it to all couples, is the equal protection remedy that is most consistent with our state's general legislative policy and preference," said the 120-page ruling.

It said that the state law's language "limiting the designation of marriage to a 'union between a man and a woman' is unconstitutional, and that the remaining statutory language must be understood as making the designation of marriage available to both opposite-sex and same-sex couples."

With the ruling, California becomes the second state to allow same-sex couples to legally wed. Massachusetts adopted the practice in 2004, and couples don't need to be state residents to wed there.

Vermont, New Jersey, New Hampshire and Connecticut permit civil unions, while California has a domestic-partner registration law. More than a dozen other states give gay couples some legal rights.

Seven other jurisdictions around the world have legalized same-sex marriage: Belgium, Netherlands, Spain, South Africa and the Canadian provinces of British Columbia, Ontario, and Quebec.

The Bad News
COLUMBUS, Ohio (CNN) -- Sen. John McCain envisions that by 2013, the Iraq War will be won but the threat from the Taliban in Afghanistan won't yet be eliminated, even though Osama bin Laden will have been captured or killed.

Sen. John McCain envisions his first-term achievements during a speech in Columbus, Ohio, Thursday.

The presumptive Republican presidential nominee made both statements in a speech in which he envisions the state of affairs at the end of his first term if he is elected president.

"What I want to do today is take a little time to describe what I would hope to have achieved at the end of my first term as president. I cannot guarantee I will have achieved these things," McCain said in his speech in Columbus, Ohio.

McCain's speech was unusual -- and somewhat risky -- in that it lays out benchmarks on which he could be judged.

The Arizona senator said he believes the United States will have a smaller military presence in Iraq that will not play a direct combat role, and he predicts that al Qaeda in Iraq will be defeated. Watch McCain say most troops will be home from Iraq by 2013 »

"By January 2013, America has welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom.

"The Iraq War has been won. Iraq is a functioning democracy, although still suffering from the lingering effects of decades of tyranny and centuries of sectarian tension," McCain said.

The violence in Iraq will persist, the candidate believes, but it will be "spasmodic and much reduced." But civil war will be prevented, armed militias will be disbanded, security forces will become "professional and competent" and the government will be able to impose "its authority in every province of Iraq" and properly defend its borders.

a lot on my plate i guess...

2008-05-15T10:47:00.003-04:00

This week is really kicking my ass. It was me and my cousin and the baby plus Dana all crammed into Dana's studio apartment for 5 days until we could get our keys on Wednesday. Between the first month's rent and the deposit on the electricity I've wiped out my bank account. Also, some eggs over medium-well stayed in my system for like 24 hours - how do I know? Because every burp tasted like them. Indigestion is no fun. Today, I have to see the Dentist for the second time this week due to a minor mishap yesterday. My stuff is getting moved either this saturday or next, out of that filthy house and into a small bedroom on the north end of town. This is definitely not the lifestyle I have been used to. *sigh*

On the Dana side of things.

Last night I was reading Sinclair's most recent story about Penny. Dana came up to me half way through and put her hand around my neck and pushed me back into my chair. She kissed me once, twice, and took a fistful of my hair to steady me. Dana shoved my shirt up over my breasts and took my nipple into her mouth ferociously, still holding my head all the way back. After attending to my other breast, she yanked my panties down off my hips, down my legs and onto the floor (The joke is, on our first phone conversation, she asked, "describe your underwear" - and I answered truthfully, "on the floor!").

We've been pretty stressed out lately, but hopefully with the move, things will be getting easier on everyone.

Sunday Single Girl's Guide to Entertaining 9

2008-05-11T23:49:00.000-04:00

Now you are ready to tackle the menu itself which is half the battle of successful entertaining.

First of all, let's assume that you're going to have three courses - a soup or appetizer, a main dish and vegetables and dessert. The basic rule in planning that everything must contrast in terms of texture, color and flavor. For instance, if you're serving a creamed soup to begin with,, don't follow it with creamed chicken and ice cream. Similarly, serve foods of different colors and tastes at each course. A meal that is a symphony in shades of green will probably make your guests feel somewhat the same way by the end.

The same principle applies to the dishes in each course. For an appetizer, serve creamed shrimp on crisp lettuce for contrast in all three departments. For a main course, try slices of pink baked ham, flanked by deep green spinach and orange yams. Or accent the dark brown of a grilled steak with tomato slices, yellow corn, and a baked potato (piled high with sour cream topped with green chives for contrast on contrast[!!!]). By way of comparison, visualize one of the worst meals I ever had in my life: broiled white haddock, white cauliflower and white boiled potatos - served on a white plate.

Generally speaking, you won't go wrong if you keep in mind the following points:

1. Serve only one sauced or creamed anything to a menu.
2. Avoid repeats. If you're going to have carrot sticks to start, don't have cooked carrots with the main course.
3. Proceed from a simple dish to a complicated one to a simple one (or vice versa). For instance, simple cheese appetizers to complicated beef Bourguignon to simple raspberry sorbet. Or, complicated sauced shrimp to simple grilled lamb chops to complicated stuffed dessert brioches.

For a "busy" dish like a casserole, which has lots of bits and pieces, serve simple solid things in large pieces. Cantelope quarters would be dandy after a casserole, a "busy" fruit compote would be de trop.

Female to Femme!

2008-05-11T23:26:00.000-04:00

Altcinema presents

QUEER(Y)ING FEMME

Film screening - FtF: Female to Femme, with short film The Insomniacs
Lecture - "A Brief History of Femme" by FtF co-director, Kami Chisholm, Ph.D.
A benefit for Altcinema Productions

Saturday May 24, 2008
7:30 - 9:30 p.m.
Tickets: $12 advance, $15 -$100 at the door
San Francisco LGBT Community Center
1800 Market Street, San Francisco

Come out and support queer cinema!

Purchase tickets online at http://www.altcinema.com/store/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=51.

For more information or to volunteer, please contact info@altcinema.com or 415.863.2183.

About FtF: Female to Femme (directed by Kami Chisholm and Elizabeth Stark, Frameline Distribution, 48 min., 2006):

Imagine a world in which the journey toward femme was understood to be as radical as journeys to claim and inhabit other queer bodies. Envisioning more than it documents, FtF: FEMALE TO FEMME celebrates dyke femme identities, combining farce and seduction with analysis and personal history. For years, femmes have forged community and created space for themselves out of edgy performance and authentic parody. FtF recognizes these strategies and builds them into an unforgettable sexy, funny and moving film. FtF features a host of fabulous femmes, including actress/writer Guinivere Turner, novelist/activist Jewelle Gomez, poet Meliza Bañales, rock stars Leslie Mah (Tribe8) and Bitch (Bitch & Animal), professors, activists, artists and dancers. The filmmakers ask these thinkers and performers to use the language of gender transition to talk about femme identity, opening up new possibilities for understanding femininity while reinforcing connections among gender warriors around the
world. A wildly original extravaganza, FtF: FEMALE TO FEMME presents a saucy, indelible portrait of a people and a politics central to the gender revolution.

Plus, the new butch-femme romantic comedy, THE INSOMNIACS (directed by Kami Chisholm, 11 min., 2008):

Bell has insomnia. So one restless night, she decides to go to the local Insomniac's Anonymous 3 a.m. meeting, and there she meets Helena, the girl of her waking dreams.

About Dr. Kami Chisholm:

Kami Chisholm, founder of Altcinema, holds a Ph.D. in History of Consciousness from UC Santa Cruz and is a graduate of Loyola Marymount University's Film Production department. FtF: FEMALE TO FEMME, Chisholm's first (co-directed) feature documentary, premiered in June 2006 at Frameline30: The San Francisco International LGBT Festival. In 2007, Chisholm produced and co-edited the festival hit GODSPEED, a short about a trans bike messenger directed by Lynn Breedlove and Jen Gilomen. Chisholm is also the director of over 10 short films, including the recently completed romantic comedy, THE INSOMNIACS. Currently, Chisholm teaches feminist/queer/race theory, sexuality studies, and visual culture at California College of the Arts.

Purchase tickets online for QUEER(Y)ING FEMME at
http://www.altcinema.com/store/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=51

change of the tide

2008-05-10T12:56:00.004-04:00

This morning I signed a least with my psuedo cousin for 13 months. This is seriously permanent. The place I moved into is really not what I'm looking for, and all I have to do is forfeit my $300 deposit to be able to move out. It's not worth my money to stay the rest of the 3 months left on my lease. I did this because my cousin, Stefanie had a minor snafu with the law, after getting kicked out of her mom's house, and she has since been staying with me. Well, my landlord who is also my housemate (oh the joys of subleasing from strangers!) has been allowing her to stay with me on the condition that she pay $250 by the 15th. The government was willing to pay the money but he refused to sign any document stating that she was allowed to stay in MY bedroom until 3/31 so the funds could not be released. He called me at work, rather than telling Stef - he wants her out by Wednesday (which is illegal by the way, you can't kick anyone out with less than 7 days notice, apparently.)

I decided yesterday that I didn't like the living situation either. They are very unclean people, especially for people with fluid borne diseases, as I have discussed before. They have sex in the shower and then Stefanie doesn't feel comfortable washing the baby in there. On top of that, they want her out because they don't like the baby being there. My room is too small for me, the landlord keeps telling her a different story than he tells me, and they keep having big fights where the cops get called. After speaking with the landlord yesterday, I decided that it was so over.

So in yesterday afternoon I marched myself down to the leasing office where Dana lives and got the applications, filled them out, had my credit approved, and chose a one bedroom with a den. I spend most of my time here anyway, and I'd like to be able to decorate my own place with my own stuff and not have to feel like I'm bothering someone else. The government assistance is providing a moving truck for Stefanie so most of my stuff can hopefully go in there, and she's going to work on getting assistance for our utilities. I feel very peaceful about it. Last night I tossed and turned and tossed and turned and I couldn't get right about which unit I wanted, but we went to see them again this morning and the choice was clear.

Now, to furnish an apartment on a very small income, with me carrying most of the finances. Where there's a will, there's a way, and it shall be done! I feel so free!

ills.

2008-05-08T11:48:00.002-04:00

So. According to this new doctor I've been seeing, and I have a feeling she's right, I am afflicted with the diabetes, hypertension, high LDL cholesterol, obviously I'm overweight and it's all situated in my midsection because of the diabetes. I've already spent three days jabbing myself to check my blood glucose and I can't understand how it's always too high. Even when it's been hours after my last bite of any food. Whatevs. So I'm trying to make changes gradually, starting with all the drugs I'm on, now. I'll write more after I've sorted things out a little more.

2008-05-08T11:46:00.000-04:00

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #131? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Gross Spelling Errors Turn Me Off

“Here are a few other word issues that come up in sex writing that throw me off and drive me crazy.”

L’Artiste

“I want time to sip my whisky, to drink you in as you unveil yourself, as you offer your body to my steady gaze.”

Learning My Limits (Part 1)

“It hurts. It’s gorgeous. ”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

24-Months of AVN Online, $0

Editor’s Choice

The Few, The Proud, The Pornless

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

BDSM & Fetish

Catching Up on the Back Story

Cut to the chaste

A date with Lumpo

Damaged Lovers

Desire beyond reason but within bounds

Follow My Rules-Part 1

His Slut

It’s just a through and through

M

Messy Kitchen Figging and Thrashing Video

On fire

Points of Order

The Promise

What a way to start the day!

Sex News, Reviews & Interviews

Leave It to Beaver

Masturbation Month Is Here!

New At Nuts4chic - Pick Up Lines That Make You Groan

New Jimi Hendrix SEX Tape out Now!!

Rascal Wear Leather Wrist And Ankle Cuffs Review

Sex Toy Review of The Rude Boy For Babeland

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

Audrey Bitoni and Angela

Bedroom Radio #14 “Sex 2.0 and Spanking”

Half-Nekkid on Silky Pillow Cases

Half-Nekkid Thursday: Flashing the Neighbors

Pictures ( a bed & 2 guys!)

Sasha Grey (Goddess)

Scarlett Johansson - Fucking Hot Babe in Red

Sex Advice

Putting the “Play” Back into Playing with Yourself

Strap-Ons 101

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Confession

Denial.

Encounter

I want….

A Perfect Ten

Possibly the best, so far

Switch

Tease and Denial are NOT Reciprocal

Under My Thumb

Sex Work

Reality Check: Asshole Clients

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Am I or Aren’t I?

Green eyed monster

The Inevitable

Um. Tuesday Single Girl's Guide to Entertaining 8

2008-05-06T00:50:00.003-04:00

INTRODUCTION (to the book)
Comes the day when you have your own apartment and your own life, and there you are standing in the kitchen wondering what on earth to eat besides tuna-noodle casserole. Half-remembered recipes swirl through your head, alternating with images of that sensational meal you had on your last dinner date. Should you try to improvise, thus duplicating your dreams? Don't - unless you've got a flawless palate and a lot of culinary experience.

I once tried duplicating chicken Tetrazzini from memory on the theory that it is impossible to louse up anything made with chicken, mushrooms, and spaghetti held together by a wine based cream sauce. I loused it up by inventively substituting red wine for white. The entire dish immediately turned a ghastly shade of maroon, and that ended that dinner. For my relatives, no less.

This book is written for the single girl with limited time, limited money, and limited experience in the kitchen. The recipes that follow are all simple to prepare, tasty, and non-junky, by which I mean those terrible combinations of stale bread, milk and grated cheese that provide nourishment for pennies. They do, but they're inedible.

Nor do these recipes take hours of cooking, or demand the skill in sauce-making, or require outre equipment deemed necessary by gourmet cookbooks.

They will, however, give you some fundamental notions of techniques, tastes, and combinations of foods for a base from which to tackle some of the more advanced complications of cuisine.

Gazpacho: An absolutely delicious fresh summer soup. You must have a blender for this one, though.

3c cored, coarsely chopped fresh tomatoes
1.5c peeled, coarsely chopped cucumber
1 green pepper, cored, seeded and coarsely chopped
1 clove garlic, sliced
1/2c water
5 TB olive or corn oil
1/4c wine vinegar
2 slices untrimmed fresh bread, cubed
salt to taste

Put everything into the container of an electric blender and blend at high speed until thoroughly pureed. Pour mixture through a strainer into a mixing bowl, pressing with the flat of a spoon to extract as much juice as possible. Discard the solids in the sieve. taste the soup for seasoning and add more salt and vinegar if it seems a little flat. Chill thoroughly for a few hours before serving. Serves four.